I bet you weren’t alert of my struggles as a kid
It contributed to many of the immature things I did
Suffering in silence from an illness I was not cognizant about
And others didn’t fathom it either, I was constantly bombarded with shame and doubt
A quote un-quote shy, tensed, quiet girl
That’s what many perceived me as, oh what an ignorant world
And I wasn’t immune to the ignorance,
I played a part in that role
But there was lack of information
Regarding what I now know
There were heavy times in school
For not meeting everyone’s standards
And I still can reminisce on all the mocking and laughter
I specifically remember always sitting in class
And wanting to participate, but the anxiety wouldn’t let me raise my hand
And I remember the pen in my hand
Students across from me proclaiming, “dang girl, stop writing so fast”
I recall the tedious questions, why are you so shy? Why are you so quiet?
Hearing that on a constant basis, was oh so extremely tiring
Tiring because I didn’t know what was going on deep down
I was only a kid, and remember, I didn’t know what I know now
I still have the memories that haunt me
Like sitting at a lunch table, appearing as if I was petrified to eat
And others would question, why do you look scared?
I could not reply, so I would just stare
Their words smacked me with shame,
And left my mouth locked
Confusion, Embarrassment, resides in my thoughts
I would want a drink, from the vending machine
But those anxious thoughts, begun to suffocate me
I’d get up and pass, so many students
Nervous to the point, I would rather be in ruins
I would sit back down, and the question returned
Why you’re so shy? That question burned
The guilt cut me hard, and I just could not sip
The thing that I wanted, that one tasty drink
I pushed it aside, this couldn’t be life
And I can recall report cards, I always did well
in classes
But one discomforting comment from teachers turned my confidence to ashes
It was always, she is so quiet, she is so reserved
Every time when reading that, I covertly felt the hurt
Because it would always remind me of my flaw
It was unknown anxiety, covered and all
Let's take a ride to Washington Heights, the hood I grew up in
Oh, the memories that randomly visit me, then the shame begins
Subconsciously wanting others to fill my unknown void
Doing reckless, ingenuous things
Forgive me, I didn't mean to annoy
Acting like a child, & always speaking rapidly and quick
I glance at my past now; I didn't know I was sick
Apprehensive of neighbors’ sly mental judgments
Didn’t properly conversate at times, Anxiety left me reluctant
And I also recall, becoming dizzy in streets,
Invasion of nerves, took over my being
At times, I stood up, in the middle of night, and begun to purge, the demons inside
I lost much great weight, I was shocked and surprised
I’d come home from school, and not say a word
Would go straight to bed, depression occurred
Fast forwarding, I have a diagnosis
I am a socially anxious person, A naive kid didn't know this
I look at past behaviors, and now a lot makes more sense
It was a hidden mental illness that left me in distress
And even lack of experience played a major part in my savageness
Who knew a mental disorder could interfere with maturity & with what one did?
Individuals always claiming, "Oh, she's so innocent and naive"
It's peculiar an anxiety disorder did this to me
But now I have wisdom, now I have strength
I have gained much experience, on life's various subjects
Do you think you can play me, or take advantage again?
Dig information out of me, without my consent?
I've grown and I've learned, I am not who I was then
But I’m smarter now, I understand why you did what you did
She’s a sharp-eyed warrior, Her epithet? Label her a detective
You would not even guess my passions & interests now
You would not even guess, the things I know now
And I realize now, you had insecurities yourself
So, it was always a competition, to see who did well
But we all have our demons, so I have nothing against you
Everyone deals with things; times are happy & times are blue
You also had voids, you needed fulfillment
Trying to impress others, as if they could they fill it
Give me a break, people will tear you like paper
You worship the creature, rather than the creator
I’m not better than you & you’re not better than I
We come from the same God, who produced darkness and formed light
We’ve all met pain; we’ve all met hurt
And it never fails to remind me, that sometimes you win & sometimes you learn
I still have certain traits, that the Lord blessed me with
I'll use it for good, and I'll use it for Him
Wise as a serpent, and gentle as a dove
This girl you see now is not who she was
That Kim from the past strolled out the door
That Kim from the past is not me anymore ✌🏻
