We're a contradiction

For with every breath
We live to die
But with every beat
We die to live.

I'm mad you left
I'm sad you're not here
The words you forced me to hear
The worlds I dream to relive
We die to live but we live to die
But what is living if you can't live forever?
And what is dying when it's under the gun of solitude?

...I couldn't help but to stare blankly at your white, emotionless face...

The last time I saw you... You had a light full of joy and grace...

But to see that light now gone from you body left a taste of melancholy

A hood of sorrows is what hid my bitter sweet tears from them and you, what folly...

Before my aching heart could leave your presence, your eyes opened...

Your heart startled by a hug, your eyes gazed around at all of us, an opportunity, I was hope'n

You stared straight into my black stained waterfall and spooked me

When your pale, cold hand, with quickness, grabbed my hand.. and begged me not to leave..

It shook... I could feel and count every bone you used... with the little muscle strength you had...

My body trembled at your white, thin, Skeleton hand... Stabbed by the reality of loss...the insecurity was bad..

I felt so troubled and helpless... Since there was nothing from me you could gain...

"Alan...Linard...." was the last thing I heard, the last thing she said... it was her husband's name...

6 days later... 9:15pm, July 2nd, 2018...for the first time... I watched Some breath their last... and finally die...

Puzzled by how quick and peaceful a painful image thing can be.... It felt so deceitfully wrong... but I knew it was..right..

Donna... You wouldn't come back... even if you could.. you wouldn't

You in a place of paradise... pure perfection... I wont lie... I miss you.. but I know you could never return... you couldn't..

My universe is collapsing
at the heart of the sun.
My skin scorched to
bare bone;
the weight of the world
coming undone.
The cells of my existence
evaporating,
as gravity pulls stardust
into my lungs.
My last breath a whisper, of
"Will you miss me when I'm gone?"

Depression,
It's like living but feeling lifeless,
having an heart but feeling it hollow.
Its like being free
But being trapped in your own mind.
You are not suicidal but want to disappear.
Its feeling lonely when everyone are around you.
Having insecurities even though you're beautiful.
Its when you lose your smile
Cause your too caught up in your mind.
Its that moment when your past and present
Mistakes replay.
The moment when you start to feel suffocated Like all the air is removed from you.
When you suddenly start crying but have no idea why.
You start to feel worthless,
You start the harm yourself,
You slowly lose yourself to your inner demons,
You feel ugly and lonely,
It's in that point of time you start to fake smile and say , "I'm Okay" only because you are broken but don't wanna explain it cause it's all too much.
Yep that's depression
and we are all victims to it at some point of time.

his voice is like smoke and stars,
and a sad soft guitar,
outlined with hope.

so much hope
-so much strength,
so much that’s gone.

you look up to the skies
-something beautiful has happened,
and now you’ve begun to face the tragedy that came with it.

feet move to the beat,
a hand pulls you along,
but that hand let go.

and suddenly your
feet are made of stone,
dance no longer.

he understands,
and translates.
velvet, hope, heartbreak.

it’s not just lovers,
it’s not just lovers,
that cause heartbreak.

you and us and all of us,
we were good and we did it
-we broke each other’s hearts.

nobody really knew,
but even though you,
you didn’t know me.

you became the closest person,
because i didn’t have anyone,
or let anyone hold me while i cried.

but you -just you,
you did hold me somehow,
everything you did was like a blanket.

when i doubted them,
when they weren’t enough,
you.

a warm embrace,
a translator for a girl without words,
smoke, stars, and soft guitar.

we are like stars, like dying embers,
clusters of us and only one
explodes.

my dreams have turned me into desire,
and i wonder where my desire will take me,
i wonder what my desire will make me.

will i be like star, or ember,
or will i be like the fireworks at night,
the ones no one notices until they explode.

that boom sounds like my heartbeat
-it’s still looking for a beat.
hasn’t found one yet.

hasn’t found one yet,
but it seems to beat for you.

darling, you know i love the stars.
at night, they light up the sky,
they’re brilliant and i can’t not love them.

you’re a star of mine,
brilliant,
but do you fade?

in the morning, will you still seem
bright,
or beautiful?

are you even there?

i’m scared you only glow at night,
and that my eyes will lose you,
and my heart will just beat somewhere else.

will you stay in the morning,
or will you be gone
like the fireworks last night?