I’m over thinking
I’m over drinking
And I’ve been blinking
Where I’ve been sinking
This isn’t the path I thought I’d be on
Don’t be surprised how much I’ve felt gone
I’ve got hollow bones even when I feel strong
I did it to myself, don’t get me wrong
I keep writing songs about change
And ending up in the very same place
The damage is done,
but the bridge is not burnt

My legs are heavier than I am used to,
Except it feels so familiar,
I think this happens every night when I try to run in my dreams,
And its like forcing each step forward through thick syrup
Hardening wet concrete
A rapidly thickening slurry coating me.

I am weighed down by it, down on my knees now, hoping that grabbing the ground and pulling myself forward will increase my momentum
Ripping out handfuls of grass trying to get the earth to treadmill beneath me
Clay under my nails, more slurry, more layers,

The earth is a part of my lungs now
Wet pink webbing hardening from the outside in
Thin tendrils brittle and breaking off, sun-dried,
Cracking and dusty and making its way up my throat
A river bed of mud consuming the space in my mouth,
I reach in with my fingers and scoop out the muck and throw it but it keeps coming,
Filling and refilling my mouth, faster than my fingers can dig it out
Thick like dentist's putty, coating my tongue and teeth like taffy

The fear is always there
The fear mixed with the drowning feeling, drowning in wet clay,
Suffocating and afraid
That it will still be the same even when I wake up

In a mess I created,
Drowning,
Cannot get out,
Breath bated.

I am slowly sinking
Deep and deeper
Into a ocean of thoughts
And you stand at the surface
And watch me drown.

questions are left standing
alone
nowhere to go
niceties walk like snails
on depressants

stuck in a hurricane of
molasses;
cold and dark,
lonely but peaceful;
it surrounds me

how I like it here

I am happy
I am sad
I am jealous
I am mad

Smiling
Frowning
Glaring
Drowning

what is life
what am I doing
to complain of doing the same but make no push to do different
it feels miserable that my life is a broken record on repeat
bottles of water in my room judge
so does all the food
they watch as I suffer in silence
my head feels like it's swelling with emotions unreleased
it's so heavy to pick up
I rather rest in bed
with a body already so restless
sleep does nothing for it
I feel like ****
and I can't escape this room
suffocating by the binds of guidelines
drowning in uncomfort of my home
I barely bathe
three times a week if lucky
I hold in my *** because I don't like the way my ***** hits the water
I pinch my ears so I don't have to hear
I jab earphones in so I feel invisible when I leave my room to eat
I blast music so it deafens the depressing state of my reality
the only peace I feel
is when I drift into sleep
only then my reality becomes something more manageable
so why shouldn't I sleep forever?

there’s a heaviness in my chest
one i can’t explain
there’s a weight  
                            -pulling me
closer and closer
                           to the bottom
closer and closer
                           to
the
                end.