I wish I knew better than to fall.
a trench miles deep waiting for drenched wounds.
burning pile of bodies welcoming an iron smell.
wishing doesn't vanish the memories of angst and regret. I wish it did.
it comes crawling up my leg when least expected.
do you remember the list of names and faces?
the list of addresses and screenshots?
receipts for background checks?
I wish I knew how to think twice.
I wish I didn't have guilt for these actions in the first place.
I wish I didn't have this story to tell.
I wish I didn't know myself this well.
Opening up as a **** person
You are quick to question but
Occupy cisheteronormativity mindlessly
Unprepared for queer identities
Assuming I lack knowing of myself
Reshuffling the same deck of cards
Engaging in a play of poker with hatred
Subjected to foul treatment
The words you spat
Unsolicited and unflattering
Chasing my mind endlessly
Kidnapping me hostage
I have been coated in sweltering biohazards
Nevermore to find protection and healing
To see another day seems impossible
If my own blood casts me away
Malevolence becoming motherly
Eliminating my mental health
Its those who think they are greater
Trailblazing a performative show
Sabotaging an already discriminated space
To go another day with your words
Itching down into my skin
****** becoming friendly
Envisioning how I'd feel left alone
From the moment you open your mouth
Orchestrating emotions like a ballad
Reconsolidating the toxic bond with binary
Can't seem to wake you up
Having to constantly do the work for you
And what am I left with
Naive justification and selfish excuses
Gravitate your energy into doing better
Exploitation is your entertainment
You are stuck in time, it's time for change. A thought I had in my head as I found myself frustrated that my younger sibling is being told the same unhelpful words towards her identity. Its 2020 and she needs a better experience than I did.
your normal is different from mine
sometimes the way I view myself
can be gripping adoration
until I look down the pedestal
I stand on
signaled by sparks in my nerves
fueled with thunder and horror
a burdening obstacle
too frequent to avoid
to look at the side profile of my body
envision disordered fathers
partnered with chronic alcohol issues
to replace something once admirable
but not anymore
bottles slip out of grasp
as they fall asleep
to look at my body when binding
envision exaggerated paint on easels
voluptuous shaped circles
for the blueprint of this body
destined to be crammed
in three layers of compression
to be in my body
in every action took
cranking the car engine
to function faster
as if there isn't more duties it holds
than to drive
envision having reflexes to defend
a potential not definite touch of a hand in a 10 feet radius
envision being hyper aware of sound
as a barn owl to darkness
processing sounds above and below
saturated senses sabotaging stability
your normal is different from mine
corrupted custody of mind
failure to overcome the lies
manifesting in ways
you can't describe
today and always settling
for comfort that's destructive
too irresistible to let go
to repaint my picture
Been putting off publishing this one, I thought I had more to add but I think it's fine the way it is. I carry a lot mentally when I wake up and start my day. I never realized how exhausting it is to be stressed out about the way people interact with me and hyper focus if they're going to touch me. It's become my normal. I don't second guess it. The same I won't second guess that people don't understand me. It's not hard to see that my normal is different.
I am invisible,
no one can see me
with a giant mass overhead
riding into it's direction
grasp on reality begins to fade
the past behind you is forgotten
a lost memory
beams of light take over
becoming skyscrapers and airplanes
sweat falling into the eyes
temperature of skin burning up
her light cuffs you by the throat
dragging you forward to discover unknowns
whether it be the inside of your mind
or the weather around you
I see beads of water jumping upward from grass
tires leaving their signature on concrete
but her light erases every piece of evidence
she flickers a lighter and sets fire
to wet grass from the day before
and to the markings left made from wet tires
is her purpose only to erase?
she erases my mind to think. she erases my vision to see. she erases my comfort I rather lie in than to be in her presence.
Thinking about the beaming light of the sun when I have rode my bike.
All I need is...
Something to get me through the day
To take all of the pain away
she could drag him
blood red lips
sparkling hair clips
she is wonderously alive
she went to grow up
he left to die
life vs death
is an everbody fight
in a ball gown
and him in tatters
this is a plight
this is living
bright and shining
and this is dying
deep sea and lightning