Living with your depression
in that sphere of despair
is like gasping for air
becoming the dark pool’s possession.

The water goes above my head
Feels like i haven't left my bed
Is this what it feels like?
I'm drowning, not sure how long i can fight
I'm sinking deeper and deeper
The bottom seems too be getting even steeper
So ill hold my breathe
Till i drown to my death.

I'm used.

Just that sometimes it gets really heavy!

I still care
I care so much it hurts.
I care so much that it rips me up inside because I know that you're not okay. Not sleeping. Not feeling. Not smiling anymore.
I care. And that's why it burns when there are no texts. Why my heart sinks when you feed me empty responses and half-truths.
I feel like a ship untethered in the heart of a storm. My sails stretch and tear. My mast bends and breaks. The ropes and knots unwind and come undone, whipping about, wrapping around my wrists, my ankles, my throat.
I care.
I still care.
I care enough to drown. I care enough to stand in your place in the heart of the fire. I care enough to scorch my hands if only it'd mean that I could hold you and tell you that you'll be alright.
I care too much. Even when you push me further and further away. Because the harder you push, the harder I push to stay.
I refuse to give up on you.
So keep pushing. Keep hiding. Keep running. Keep lying. Keep making me feel like ****. Keep telling me I'm worth nothing. Keep shutting me out. Keep me at arm's length. Keep breaking me. Keep your secrets. Keep away from me.
And see if I care.
See if I give a ****.
Because I do.

This morning I stared at my
veins, and I realized they’re as
blue as an ocean during sunrise

And I’ve been drowning in
myself since my first breath

For how long must I
breathe underwater?

Am I still alive if my soul
feels like it's sinking
endlessly
into the abyss?

sweat dripping from my thighs
grey tank glued on me
i still got you on my mind
the world ending right before my eyes
murders crying wolf
my generation getting gassed and kidnapped
in the streets of LA, MIA, NYC, BA, CIN
drowning my days with tyler, the creator
humming to me
hoping to feel something
the way you used to make me feel
when we parted ways until our next life time

politicians hungry to violate civil rights
black, brown, trans
manifesting it in their dreams
they have it written in human blood
without a mask on to shield them
from the disease that is their greed

my perception jaded
my thoughts paralyzed
my body aching
might hit that pen
can’t even pick up a pen
having more time than my 20 years of existence

How do I do?
How do I see?
How do  i face the consequence of my reality?

How do I cope?
How is it real?
A revival of our mosaics within the weaving of a century

There were many times I didn't want to do this life.
Multiple hours of struggling with the advisory council within my duvet.
I was drowning or sinking but wasn't breathing, or swimming or living.
and on repeat: sad and depressed, lost in aloofness

And I had nothing, nothing of use to say.
And yet I had all my answers on display.