I don’t want to be asked if I’m ok.
I don’t want to be addressed when I’m upset.
Just leave me alone-
And hope to not let the world see how much
Of a freak
I really feel I am.
Sorry if it puts the
Circus out of business.

my friends and i
we go to scary farms
my friends and i
we go to haunted houses
my friends scream in terror
at the ghosts and ghouls

while i stand there
with no expression
they ask me why
i am not scared

how do i tell them
there is nothing scarier in this world

than losing your own m i n d

We grew up together
Two peas in pod
You were my sidekick and I was yours
My one true platonic soulmate

So how did I let this happen?
How did I not know what was
Happening behind the four walls of your mind.
Behind the baggy sweaters that
Were suddenly "fashionable" all year round.

But if I think back carefully
Maybe I didn't miss it
Maybe I just ignored it

Ignored how when you got back from your
Summer in France the snug hoodie I gave you
Was no longer very snug
But rather hung like an ornament
On the thin frame of your body

Or how your legs began to resemble sticks
With a thigh gap most girls would die for.
Maybe I should have known the first time
You refused to eat your favourite ice cream
(chocolate mint chip) because calories!

When you told me you were in hospital
You said you were sick
But not in the way I thought you were
Because you didn't have chicken pox
Or pneumonia or bronchitis
You were sick in way that was much more twisted
You had a sickness of the mind
One that toyed with your thoughts
And messed with your sense
Until your body was wasting away.

I must admit at first I was angry
Because how could you keep this from me
I was your best friend and
You never told me your biggest secret
However then I was shocked
I could not understand
how you were in so much pain
And yet I did not know.
How had I cried for months
Proclaiming pain and suffering
That I believed no one could relate too
And yet here you were
Silently proclaiming the exact pain .

I'm ashamed to admit
that from time to time
I miss the feeling of my bones.

I miss feeling thin
Feeling empty within
Feeling powerful and in control

Yet this is an illusion.

Depressed and fat, or depressed and thin?
Which mindset will eventually win?

I hope to find a middle ground.
Where self battering isn't a recurring sound.

Can that be found?

I don't

2. Think I will

3. Ever stop

4. Counting

5. But I can

6. Learn to live

7. Around the numbers

unwavering love;
your wavering voice
c a u g h t
in the eye of my storm

                                 (oh how I hope my torrents don't sweep you away)

Lights out,
Sleep child,
sleep.

You're only dreaming.

     There are no monsters under the bed.

~

They are in my head.
Unimaginary,
wreaking havoc.

Pillage my heart

~

Sleep away your pains,
  or never wake up.

You've been asleep all along.

She lives her life with tears in her eyes.
From day to day, tears in her eyes.

No one can tell—
she hides them so well—
with bangs down,
and a smile on her face.

                   ~              

The general disposition
that showing emotion
makes you weak.

Why should she show them anyways?
When no one can make her feel better
    and no one understands
the pain in her heart that resides there from day to day.

It originates from small things that bug her
                       to things people say—
and the fact that they just don't understand.
                                          No one understands.

It's always the same,
they get defensive
when she tells them the truth
and how she really feels.

but she's so tired of hiding and pretending to be ok