This is a lateral Christmas, my dears,
The reasons for red-nosed reindeer,
Rudolph was on the *****, my dears,
Santa and Rudolph loved Christmas beers,
You could see it in their faces, dears,
Rudy and Santa were dipsomaniacs,
They drank all the ***** in Santa's sacks,
But worse, Santa's in a stroke unit, we fear,
We knew it was a bit hard,
For gifts, Santa maxed out his credit cards,
Red cheeks meant high blood pressure, we fear,
There's worse, Mrs. Santa was a real *****,
She drank all the eggnog with Rudolph and Blitzen,
The drunken elves kept all your gifts for their party,
They drank all your Christmas bevvies, party hearty!
There's worse, Christmas fairies live in fear,
They did ask Santa one year,
"What to do with the trees, Santa dear?"
"Wait and see!!" roared Santa, O dear,
There's a fairy with a tree up her blip here,
Now, Santa's in the Stroke Unit this year,
Folk at the North Pole, too much Christmas cheer,
So, there's no Christmas on Earth, my dears,
This is the lateral Christmas year...........

Clocks ticking

but I didn't even notice

As I lay on my back

head hanging off the bed

I hear it

tic toc tic toc tic

I'm floating

watching myself 

 sounds weird huh

I can see everything my flesh is doing

like a movie,

yet I'm above my very being...

Numb

but I can hear it

the clocks ticking

I'm praying he'll stop

tic toc tic toc tic

Musing of someone with dissasocitive identity  disorder!

Always Me Ayeshah ™ ®
         K.A.C.L.N ©
     All right reserved ®
Copyright 1977 - Present

From name to name I tried to fit what would please you,
From "Skia" to "Luchesi" to ones like "Paradeaux".
Over and over I tried to find an image that would keep me from pain,
To my misfortune you only used it for personal gain.

I have come to the point of duality,
An awful state of mentality,
Where freedom is lost not just in body,
But mind and life;
To cause sickness, fear,
Frustration, insanity
and ongoing strife.

What is my name? Do I really even know?
Who was I before I became a prisoner of control?
Everyone has grown hatred wanting to call justice,
But you see I understand now-that is why I instead call unto forgiveness.

Never hold onto hatred no matter what you've lost, not even the amount of fear, damage and pain-
Not even when you have lost your very own name.

❥

I keep yearning for your words like an incurable addiction.
I am frightened I am slowly getting used to living under your shadow
And soon it will be difficult for me to step out to the sun when it is time for you to leave.
Yet still, amidst this drifting thoughts heading towards your world,
Fighting storms and sea monsters
Deprived of armor and unsheltered,
Offering my pride as a bait to be ravished by unexpected vultures,
Hear I am,
Letting myself drown in this miraculous possiblity that you would give me more.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake,

My dreams are real and reality is fake.

What I think is real might be wrong,

Perhaps I've been deceived all along.

Maybe I'll wake up if this is a dream,

And realize that nothing is how it once seemed.

There are times when I just feel-

Like nothing in my life is real.

Perhaps I'll wake up after I die-

And see that my whole life was a lie.

Maybe not even reality is real,

Sometimes it seems abstract and surreal.

My life is terrible, too awful to be true,

So can it be real? I wish I knew.

This surreal life I can't escape,

What if I'm not even awake?

My whole life could be a dream,

Trapped in my mind, reality unseen.

If my life is a dream, don't wake me yet.

I want to live a life I'll never forget.

that girl is gnashing fangs and painted lips
when the pastel sun scrapes floorboards
across her naked shoulders. that girl is
sparking static eyes and she holds
snowy screens in her palms,

her lovers bury their faces in her chest
smudging saliva across her shirt
leather-fingers scrummaging
over her ribs, jabbing with
tongue, thumb smudged on the
doorbell, as his jaw meets dawn,

and he returns, scratched glass mirror
pulling in him by an aquiline nose,
aquamarine veins pulsing as palms
set upon the ice, blood knuckles
and cracked nails setting in the surface.

Did you know
That life would end like this?
Did you know
You were killing yourself ever so slowly?
Did you know
We all knew your pain you couldn't even see?
Did you know
in the last moments of silence
the pain you'd leave
Did you know
you where going to die that night, as you slowly lost control
Did you ever see
your choices weren't killing just you, but also me?
Did you know,
you where a brother to me?
Did you know
as we lowered you into the ground that that night was the last you'd see?

Where did I got wrong?
Was it when I slit my wrist to see how much life I had in me?
Or when I took all those pills to **** the life I knew I had left?

Where did I go wrong?

When I said "I love you" with fear in my eyes?
When I asked for help
Because I knew I couldn't do this on my own?

What happened?
What did I do?
Where did your voice go?
The one that kept me grounded when everything was falling to pieces?
What happened?
Where did I go wrong?

-Blue

Windows show only crowded darkness.
Face lit with artificial light.
Keyboard clicks maddeningly in time.
A million thoughts
A thousand reasons
A hundred unanswered questions.

Who to blame for this night?
Was it me?
Was it you?
I don't really know,
I only know that I can't sleep
And I don't know where you are.

It's another late night.
Another hour passed, a minute gone, a day lost.
Without ever knowing why.
And in the Darkened window mirror, I see your face
next to mine.

And I wonder why.
Forever, asking why.