Need to cut
Can't ignore
I'm a nut
On the floor
Mind racing
Fist to wall
Can't stop pacing
Do not stall
Just do the deed
Never to return
Have to succeed
To whom it may concern

I thought that if
   I had enough spray paint
    And a place to put it
      Then maybe I could
        Make something out of these
          Drab pale walls

            But the landlords
               They got mad
                  And they said I would have to pay
                    For the damage done

                      But, I didn't see any damage
                        All I saw was galaxy
                           And colors that reflect
                             What I felt at night

                                 ... I wish that I could just
                                    Order the ones that painted over
                                       And damaged me
                                            To pay, and to fix what they did
                                               But maybe they don't understand
                                                  What they did, either
                                                      Because I look fine to them
                                                         And my expression
                                                              For all that they know
                                                                 Is not faked

                                                                    And maybe they like what
                                                                       They did
                                                                          And maybe it doesn't
                                                                              Look that bad
                                                                                 From where they stand watching

                                                                                    So I will fix the **** wall
                                                                                       And then right once it is back to
                                                                                          Its normal
                                                                                             Wretched colors
                                                                                                I'll paint over it again
                                                                                                  But this time with my own blood
                                                                                                      And the tears that they caused

                                                                                                         And you won't be able to
                                                                                                              Demand me to fix it
                                                                                                                 And they will still gaze at me
                                                                                                                    And smile
                                                                                                                       At what
                                                                                                                             They
                                                                                                                                  Did

and an answer
bitter ***** be better
can't cut continue ****
don't do damage dark
electric energy exiting
finding figurative feelings
giving girls gestures
having her hair held
in inches intricately
just jostling judging
**** kinetic kindness
licking like love lives
make more madness mandatory
not new naked nausea
original order opposed
pretty pink particularly painful
quick questions quiet
reflections reproducing resentful
soaked sorrows soothingly
to take time
under universal urge
violent victories
welcoming weapons with whispers
xenophobic
ziplocked zombies

You're back and I've only been asking four years and two days. My passion never left, it only paved your way. Outside it's gotten colder than the weatherman will even say. The skies may stay clear but everything is gray. I wait for you on the tarmac with bouquets, four years yesterday it was to be my grave.

Everything and its nothingnesses made me black and blue, I was just ink blotter on a finger's noose, nonsense and writer's gloom. Some of me was hexed by my work, some of my flesh became unglued. My eyes may have resurrected a figure, but I can't be sure it's you. I'm at the Bay Bridge with weights tied to my shoes, where even the water can't judge my moves.

People lie to keep themselves as far away from their truth. Many can't even talk to you unless they have a drink or two. ****** and benzos too. Skinny vexed spirits accrue, walking into the waves until their skins turn blue.

new spit, the hollow mind
every damaged button glaring on the
face you wear, you sew-

I don't know how to just yet.

some curses you wear
they roll over with you in your sleep
at night I sing in whispers
we face each other, I tear you down

I said I thought you were sleeping
but assassins never lie awake with their eyes closed
or hurt in their underwear
I am awake. I never sleep again.

sometimes i regret almost,
most things,
most thoughts
and,
most actions,

but,
my feelings,
are what I regret,
more than anything,
else in the world,

and,
sorry I can't,
fix the damage,
I've done,

to you,
others,
and,
to myself.

Oh how you crumbled my defences.

Oh how my walls fell in defeat.

*The damage was displayed

in the rubble at my feet.