Do you know how hard it was to watch you on TV?
I saw it all again in a blue rush
The smoke from a cigarette blown just in from the garden door
Your broken needles and stupid little games littering the floor
A black coffee and a dusty bed
Us talking for hours while the sun falls and rises from the dead
Crowed parties of your own design
You looking at me from them
A gulf in a crowd
Making me laugh in my small crimes
We liked the way our dreams worked
Together in each other's bedrooms
Floating in your eyes I see the soul spin
Of heavenly physics clouded in fun and evil
To see all that in your face
Is not to see God
or even any abject grace
But its been a year
and you're talking to the interviewer
Shepherded and meek
Cared for another I see it all in that week
You're Talking to the TV
rather than at me
The grass is rarely greener
sights of when you see her
Alone and discarded,
I see you now on the screen
Eyes so hollow
near your bike -- you're so lean
It was painful and insufferable
the inhumanity of your stare
I'm killed by cruelty
or even maybe by my silence
You're talking to the TV
Rather than to me
But my tears are becoming moonlight
one day they'll be sunlight
then just light
A violent light of my own
And not light dredged up from you.

You were a surprise
Something that never crossed my mind
An unexpected encounter
That would change me forever

I always thought that
If I work hard and with passion
I could get anything I want
Never have I been so wrong
As then and there
Right in front of you
While I choked on my feelings
and opened my heart
Fate dashed this innocence
In just a quick instant

I've always wanted you
Just to be beside you
Breathing the same air
Sharing the same moment
Laughing on the same jokes
Holding hands
Locking in embraces
Eating at the same place
and sharing the same food
Reading together the same books
Sleeping on your lap
While my mind flutters around you
Dreaming about a tomorrow
where we do the same things all over again
and being happy with each other
Being content with this life
That I wanted to share with you
How innocent of a dream
and yet Fate is a cruel thing

I always thought that I could reach you
I could be with you through think and thin
That you could want me the way I want you
Is it wrong for me to be in love with you?
Why does loving you passionately
end up being a punishment on me?
Why is it that when I only yearn to be with you
I end up living and loving alone?
I always thought that you were already mine
And yet in the end, you've always been out of my reach?
Why is it that when you were with me, you were always content
and yet when with him, you dare to dream even further?
Why can't my love for you prosper
while his love for you bears all the fruits of my labor?
I don't understand why a wish so innocent
can be trampled and forgotten in an instant twist?

I guess I was only chasing stars
Trying to catch a love
That was never mine in the first place
The lonely nights come passing by
Every day burning quickly
Like embers on a windy night
Trying to forget the memories
you shared with me
Trying to forget the dreams
you made me yearn to achieve
Even though forgetting you stings
I'll do it
I can't stay stagnant on you
I'll have to move on
even if it still hurts
I'll push on
Until you are completely
Out of my system
and out of my reach

my anxiety is killing me
how many nights i've gone through without sleep
i cannot comprehend the feeling inside
the stairs i take are too steep
my legs are weary, they won't climb up
my anxiousness drowns me in darkness, yet i'm in drought
hearts racing, thoughts running, eyes searching for something grounding
every little mistake i make makes me so jumpy
only the pills she gave me can calm it
although i chug them down my throat
my own mind says those **** won't help me that it won't cure me
and now here i am, sitting mindless and thoughtless and with nothing to hold onto