This will be the year
Of all of my mistakes
These walls will fall
With my dignity
I'm a disaster
Exploding in slow motion
Can't make up my mind
Can't make up anything
Crashing like a train
Derailing swiftly
Giving out my number
******* myself
To the whole city
This chaos knows
Nothing of mercy
My blind eyes know
Nothing of the truth
Just this downward spiral
The desecration
Of my troubled youth

I let the plane fall from the sky.
Pieces broke off, and
Landed in forests nearby.

Now things are damaged;
They can’t be fixed.
Do all relationships end like this?

The pilot until the end
I let the plane fall
In it me and my only “friend”.

How do I explain to you the feeling of
inadequacy when someone loves or compliments?

How do I explain to you the fear of being a disappointment
or not having climbed up to someone's level of expectation?

How do I explain when without warning I am plagued
with self doubt, layered with chaotic-heavy-blues
and harboring insecurities?

How do I explain when I don't want
these thoughts to matter?
when I just want them to be deprived
of care that they die within,
and never surface to my skin.

But somehow like the crashing waves
they envelope me in the depths and like
the black hole **** me from within.

I thought vulnerability was for the weak.
Even when I let you inside my thoughts
I've had both hands on your steering wheel.
I swerve hard left turns on the difficult memories,
dodging the on coming traffic of blatant truths.
My minds is a pile up on intestate 98
but I have you on the detour route
to Mr. Nice Guy lane on the road of "life is okay".
The next stop is "I am happy" street on the corner
of "you will be all right" avenue and "I don't care" lane.
But these fabricated roads are painted over signs
that trick you into believing that I am truly "fine".
But all the cars have crashed and burned
and now you know the truth.

hence
i've loved you thus far
and i never knew why
i felt alone
with you

lost
i've swam in your eyes
and i never knew why
my hands are tied
with you

mine
i've read your mind
and i never knew why
i lied to myself
of you

when the reality
is the only truth
and i never knew why
im just afraid
wondering what to do
if i'm with you

We heard the screech
Then the pop
Of metal on metal
Or metal on wood
It’s hard to tell the difference
When you’re half asleep

People were running
To it and from it
People afraid that they’d
Be sent away
Away from their babies
Others stopped them and calmed them

My thumbs wrestled
With dialing 9-1-1
But I described it best I could
As quickly as I could
And as accurately as I could
Then we waited.

to speak while one is maddened
is driving whilst blindfolded
you do know what you're doing
yet at the same time, you don't

the anger and frustration
is a deep and heavy fog
that envelops all your sense
and whisks it away from you

your hands grip the steering wheel
and your foot steps on the gas
you don't know where you're going
you just know you have to drive

while you know that it's reckless
it simply cannot be helped
you're blinded by a purpose
that you know isn't worth it

the breaks are all but broken
and there's nowhere left to turn
the journey will have to end
at your point or another

you can't see the aftermath
but sorely, you can feel it
like watching a tidal wave
when it crashes, so will you