Do you know what I find funny?
My room never fails to mirror my psychological state of being.
Like right now.
I’m currently sitting amongst my disheveled sheets and scattered laundry.
But I’m also desperately searching for my bonnet within the chaos.
And just like with my bonnet,
I can’t quite pinpoint what my thoughts are centered upon.
My bonnet could be anywhere,
Though my room is only so large.
And my thoughts could be anywhere,
Though I can’t imagine having much to think about.

Do you know what I find even funnier?
If I were to clean my room,
Right now,
I would probably find my bonnet.
I would most likely discover it under my pillowcase or behind my bed frame;
Perhaps on top of my desk or in my dresser.
But I refuse.
I mean where would I start,
And how long would it actually take me?
Yeah, I’m good.
I’m used to sitting in my clutter anyway.

I crave to build a home
But I push everyone away
I want to set up a foundation
But every time I set it ablaze
I want something ethereal
But I ruin everything I touch
I want what doesn't exist
But I keep ignoring the rough
I want to stop running
But it's like I'm stuck on repeat
I want to give up
But I also can't stomach defeat
I want to let go of this life
Some days just feel like too much
I want you to "love" me
But I know even that won't be enough

living off
of apologies and time
spent in desperation
recollecting and reflecting
on where
all of the good vibes went
then
I may have smoked them.

underestimating my
control
of the situation
like I'm not
educated in protecting
my Peace
and healing my whole
mind, body
and Spirit

deflecting questions of
my integrity
all
because I prefer
complexity -
it takes me
three lefts
to make it right.

also some
times
I have to remind
myself
that it's okay
to cry
boiling hot emotions
got this little black kettle
singing high

currently
I'm choking
on the
hard pill
of a broken home
..heartache
worse than a broken bone
this is admitting to myself
that
I could be traumatized.
True.

I need a
get away
like Lenny says
quick break
with Mary, Garcia
and Vega
the only chance I ever get
to take flight.

in all Honesty
I am really
tired
of people
pushing me
and pulling me.
college drop-outs
they think
they schooling me
they are
tools to me.
Shorty,
swing my way
with that hammer
No
I'm not
driving for that *****.

some say real
Love is
Black
some say it's
blue..
I say it's both
you know
the winners
always leave with
a little
bruise .
or two . .
or3 . . .

there probably may come
a time of day
where
you have to choose
whether
to lose
yourself
in this matrix
or
to fight
by your own rules
and well

Here

is to you,
my Little Light
your presence is proof
that some
times
choosing
True
Love is
the right thing to do.

Words fail me
I don't know what I feel
I want to fade to nothing
And let the silence consume me
So many perspectives
I don't know which is true
Maybe all of them are
But then what?
They tell me I'm good
While my guilt swallows me whole
Rule one is do no harm
And I've shattered that
They say it's being a human
And I guess that's true
But if I can do anything to help
Then I'd like to
Where is that fine line
Between values and pain?
I don't owe it to them
But I feel like I do
If getting burned makes it better
At what point do I quit?
Do I hand over the matches?
Soak my soul in gasoline?
Pain for pain seems so fair
I made mistakes and I have to own them
But does letting myself burn
Really help anyone?

I cant move from this stagnant state
Im angry and sad
And i need to lose weight

What i love
I dont do
What I need
I ask you

And i hate myself tonight
Because i know whats right
I'm not doing it

Im frozen
Stuck in the same
Back and forth motion

Pleading for a change
Criticizing what i love
And i love only one thing

I cant be lost anymore
I need help
To feel secure

So this is the party I pity
I ask God
To please forgive me

Im better
I know it

I just need
The strength to show it.