there are cracks in head
the same way there are cracks
in the ceiling of your mother’s kitchen

i tell myself they all formed
from all of my thinking
and all of my feeling

your mother’s ceiling
kept crying all of those nights
she wouldn’t stop yelling

one day we won’t even notice them.

A flood of guilt just rushed through my veins, practically drowning me in the emotion.
I stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had just done.
I had just jeopardized everything.
I knew how I felt towards you, but now I knew that it didn’t matter how much I tried to convince you.
At this point, after doing what I did, there was no chance you would ever take me back.
And that stung.
I felt like a bee had just jabbed its stinger into the scrapes caused by the ton of bricks that had just fallen on top of me.
There was no way out of this mess I made for myself. But the saying goes, you make your bed, you lie in it.

I made that bed in May.
I made that bed when my idiotic self went back to the guy who tried to breakdown my relationship, and eventually reached his goal.
I’ve been sleeping in the bed of thorns that was once made of roses, for the past four months, and I’m sick of it.
I can’t go on feeling like I’ve shattered the glass that is my heart, even though that is exactly what I did.
I didn’t realize what an incredible person I had, until they were gone.
It took me a day or two, but by the time I fully realized what I had lost, it was too late.

Much that once was, was lost.
My emotions that suddenly roared back to life in my brain, had dulled in yours, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I couldn’t kiss you back to life, the way it happens in Disney movies.
I couldn’t talk my way out of the situation, like I do when I don’t do my homework.

It was more complicated than that.
It wasn't just me anymore.
There was a whole other person, who’s feelings had to be taken into consideration.
And at that moment, I understood.
I could comprehend that you weren’t into it anymore.

But now, it's different.
It's different in the way that I can’t handle this anymore.
I’ve tried to make it seem like I don't care anymore.
I’ve been with other guys.
But it just feels wrong.
I miss you.
And you need to know that, as soon as possible.
You need to know that I care.

I care so much that I can’t bare to see you with Mary Jane every chance you get.
I care so much that I cant contain my smile every time I notice you in a crowd.
I care so much that hugging you has the potential to
Make.
My.
Day.
Maybe that sounds crazy, but at this point, I care so much that I don’t even care.

Even though I miss you, I still would rather you as a friend than nothing at all.
But wanting you as a friend doesn’t mean that the part of me wishes there were more doesn't exist.
A part of me- a big part of me wishes for nothing but to go back to the night of semi-formal, when I realized that I had feelings for you.
I wish I could go back to that night, when I came into the kitchen and you stopped mid sentence. I wish you would look at me the way you looked at me that night, again.
I wish I could go back to the night you asked me out, and relive it over again too.  To hear you say, "My god, you're so beautiful," just once more.
I wish I could go back in time to the night we cuddled in that bed, or the day of our first kiss.
I wish so badly that I could go back to being able to wrap my arms around your neck and pull you close, to kiss your soft lips again, even if it was just for a moment.

That part of me aches when I see you.
I feel it.
I feel it all the time.
I feel it when I see you, and I feel it right now.
It’s the left side of my chest, filled with anxiety and care and emotion and love.
It’s my heart.
My beating heart that I’m so glad still is beating because I would miss you if it wasn’t.

I would miss seeing your eyes light up when you get intrigued.
I would miss the overwhelming scent of your cologne whenever I see you, and how it takes so much out of me to keep up with you when we’re walking, because your legs are so much longer than mine.
I would miss talking to you, hearing your philosophies and views on life.
I would miss everything.
And I do miss everything, because right now, my heart feels numb.

But when I’m with you, it beats a mile a minute.
It’s like you’re the trigger to my heart that sets off the wild butterflies in my stomach, and the dizziness in my head.
I can barely focus around you anymore, because all I want is to lay next to you and breathe.
I couldn’t care if it was silent or if there was no dead air.
Because I would be with you, and that’s all that matters.

I would give anything to lay next to you on your John Doe scented sheets,
and stare up at your white pop corn ceiling.
I usually don't like pop corn ceilings.
But when its yours, it doesn't matter.
Because I like you, and that's all that does.

There's a hole in my ceiling
the roof caved in a bit
There's a hole in my ceiling
dust keeps falling in
There's a hole in my ceiling
I have to turn off my fan
There's a hole in my ceiling
I wish there wasn't
There's a hole in my ceiling
here's where it gets personal
There's a hole in my ceiling
it was definetly not optional
There's a hole in my ceiling
maybe it's telling me something
There's a hole in my ceiling
what if it had fell in on me?
There's a hole in my ceiling
and it's got me thinking
There's a hole in my ceiling
bigger than the one in my heart
There's a hole in my ceiling.
where's the button? I need to restart...

You bit your lip
And winked at me
A glass of wine in your hand,
A cigarette
Hanging out of your mouth.
You were *******
On the floor
And I barefoot
On the bed
With three other people
Who talked a lot.
You mumbled something
To yourself
But the music
Was too loud.
I looked away,
I looked up to the ceiling
Which had disappeared
To put the stars on display.

And you and me, my love.
We were there.


F.Z.**N

No laughs and no apologies
The door was left ajar
“You may assist yourself at the mezzanine.”
girls cascade as men pose
strategically
in shark skin suits
like swimming tessellations
corners fit against corners
bait fish schools
Moving in murmurations
No one ever looks up
at the ocean top glass ceiling
Their eyes are aimed downwards
waiting to see a massive shadow rising up
from the sea floor
No one knows what goes on down there
down where the sand is so cold,
where the flesh of the bait fish drift and
the ***** pick at remnants on whale bones.

Anticipation heights within me
I cannot hold this pensive feeling
I'm climbing walls and hugging ceiling
My thoughts won't let me be

This hesitation strives inside me
I can't release this burning feeling
I'm scratching marks and hitting ceiling
My mind hates OCD.

I'm laying down and facing the ceiling of my bedroom. I stare with a blank state apparent in my eyes and it feels like the walls are closing in on me. The room is getting smaller and I'm playing your favorite song on the radio. The lyrics are flooding my veins and the room is getting smaller. I feel like I'm suffocating with your presence even though it's lacking beside me. I keep playing your favorite song and I continue to stare up at this stupid insipid ceiling that's doing my thoughts no good. The walls are finally caving in on me and my heart is cracking. You have finally accomplished what you've been trying to do all along, you have broken me to the point of no return. I will forever be a dusted pile of passion, love and regret beneath your feet.

a hole
void of light

dwelling in hellish mental wells
with no fight, flight or rational
weeeeelllllll,
.....
oh well....

man,
acclimated to dirt ceilings/sealings,
and
unless stars are aligned
will be born dead before found alive

roots from life
hang over head,
..
..**** em..
..
just empty promises
from another dead

so,

sit in solitude
a solemn wreck
show helping hands,
real neglect

to uncover this hovel.?
no shovel will do
even
a sympathy symphony
wont let light shine through

Empower.

manifest mountain-tops
from bottom rocks-once-kicked
blossom bottle-rock-ets
from sticks, stones,
and,
thoughts of home

illuminate
cold dismal walls
elucidate
ambitious calls

burst forth reborn
alter the skyline
with mind
refined

you can do anything
you put your mind to
look in the mirror
say im just tryna find you