Silent prayers are being recited all thru my consciousness
Of desperation and a moment of escalating into a rare flare of clarity
My mind screaming to go escape the reality of my current toils of Life and saddened realization that am still stuck in square one...still waging war thru my tumultuous addiction I just want true joy peace and prosperity a want a different Life for myself but I always self-sabotage my sobriety walk with an endless urge to go get high one more time just one last time I get some sober time under my belt and again feel inadequate to deal with Life triggers, problems, clutter and stressors beat me back to using once again. I try to talk to my peers to God to councilors to doctors to my own head and mind to my addiction begging and pleading I want to be free but I love getting high a little more than sobriety but I want to understand why this is...I recall that I use substances to temporarily relieve my schizophrenia and ADHD. To get a frozen piece of time to reconnect with my inner soul but at the same time feeding this demons that keep me trapped inside a mental prism that the only way out is wanting to live a life of no use of any mind altering substances. Am stuck between wanting a better healthier more enjoyable Life without pushing any efforts into changing knowing that ultimately lead me back to using dope to do something am comfortable and feel at a pleasant with utilizing my own body to conduct a forced neurological and psychological change...so I can once again relive and reminiscence on that subtle wave of calmness and comfort I adore so much. Harsh reality sets in I run out of substances to indulge in and slowly but surely my brain synapses go back to normality and re-stabilize. I keep wanting this revolutionary change of mind but am willingly putting no work towards getting better...I am here pondering is it because my own drug use has become hardened enveloped in a complex mechanism that tactically constructs avenues to facilitate it's initial impulse to go and do what makes my mind and body feel at ease with a touch of serenity and well being. Nevertheless, when the drugs are completely expelled from my system I pay the toll for pushing my biological neural and nervous system to it's peak functionality. The biggest obstacle in my path to sobriety is mundane ordinary routines of every day living life without no sense of gratification thru drugs themselves. Am truly trying to reach that place where I feel as if this drugs I involve myself to use leave me disgusted at myself for doing that to myself when its all a grand illusive temporal alleviation of stress problems and feelings and emotions being blocked off and masked to a degree of non-existent competence. Am left in the end with a constant inner symptom of slightly elevated compulsive feeling of wanting to repeat the experience again and again and again. This becomes the battle and little by little becomes a rampaging addiction depending on the person's impulsivity level and puts the person in a state of uncomfortable decision making when in reality the drugs don't solve anything thru them the problems become temporarily "out of sight out of mind" but when sobriety sets back in and every neuronal and hormonal changes due to the use become expelled and fully removed from the user's system the user goes thru a period of acute withdrawals and followed by other minimal symptoms like irritability, depressed mood, dysphoria and neuro-chemical imbalances. All I am going to focus from now on is how to slow down my use to the point ill be easy for me to leave it alone all at once. I want to believe I can find true joy peace contentment and happiness thru being drug free but every time I think of it I give myself a certain doubt that in time it becomes malignant and grows to be another reservation waiting to be subconsciously manifested. Sooner or later my subconscious becomes too hard to ignore and I play the game of "insanity" again and go do what I know... Which is get intoxicated. I will sooner or later learn how to deal with my Life's trials and tribulations in a different way and learn that thru God's grace & power I can be clean and arrest this monster once and for all.

Toucan
Two can

I miss you like the December earth
      Misses the sunlit rays on a cloudy day
Cold for you I yearn each dawn
      And churn and burn as the aching Pacific waves
A crashing hope upon wishes bent
      At 11:12 my world set straight  
And all that a man can do is wish
      That this will be the fated day
You walk into my life
      And stay

You are long gone, but your memory is still here.
I should move on, but how can I do it
when,
The night is you,
The moon is you.
When,
Every breath I take reminds me of you,
Every place I go resembles you,
When,
My heart is your home,
My brain speaks your name.
How can I move on, when you are every piece of me.

Running can be a listening stream
In the Springtime a bubbling eternity  
Just as crashing can be an Autumn dream
Falling like a Winter spell over me

(4LINE)

I have a taste for cowardice men.

Men who tell me how beautiful I am,
How pretty,
How nice my hair is,
Or how great my body looks,
Under the covers,
Especially with them on top.

Men who cup my hands
And look me deep in the eye
peering into my soul,
to “cherish me”
“Remember me”
“Learn the curves of my face”.

But I know these cowardice men-
they will forget me.
As soon as their lust is lost.
As soon as their **** has learnt me..
All too well.
As soon as she rears her head.

I know these cowardice men
Will hold me, in the night
Almost pushing me back together
After the last,
Who left me.

But these cowardice men forget,
I can’t love me,
Not anymore.
Because loving me makes me think,
Of happiness and who I could be.

And I forget,
For a little while,
I only fall for cowardice men,
Who never say bye when they leave.
Never blink in my direction,
They just leave the door wide open.

Wide open for the next.

The problem we are having
Is that I am at peace with myself
Which means only
That I am at war with you
And I fight so hard
To be enough
I try to be sweet enough
Clean enough
Happy enough
Awake enough
**** enough
Forward enough
Modest enough
Reclusive enough
Home early enough
On your schedule enough
But enough is enough
You claim you are leaving
I hope you either treat me properly
Or this time you just go

Can I be your star system?
So blissfully unaware
Of your awed gaze
Glittering in the heavens
An interstellar display
Laid out before you
All raw and vulnerable
Solar flares and star dust
Can I be your muse?
Your inspiration
Every time you turn to the sky
Can I be the one
Who strikes your heart
And resonates
With your soul
To a level that you
That you've never felt before
Can I be your everything?
Can I be your everything?