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Ol Nov 2019
I have a taste for cowardice men.

Men who tell me how beautiful I am,
How pretty,
How nice my hair is,
Or how great my body looks,
Under the covers,
Especially with them on top.

Men who cup my hands
And look me deep in the eye
peering into my soul,
to “cherish me”
“Remember me”
“Learn the curves of my face”.

But I know these cowardice men-
they will forget me.
As soon as their lust is lost.
As soon as their **** has learnt me..
All too well.
As soon as she rears her head.

I know these cowardice men
Will hold me, in the night
Almost pushing me back together
After the last,
Who left me.

But these cowardice men forget,
I can’t love me,
Not anymore.
Because loving me makes me think,
Of happiness and who I could be.

And I forget,
For a little while,
I only fall for cowardice men,
Who never say bye when they leave.
Never blink in my direction,
They just leave the door wide open.

Wide open for the next.
Each boy I have loved, I looked into their eyes and begged them to never cheat. Each said they wouldn’t. They all lied. Then they all lied about cheating.
Ol Nov 2019
I give myself up to fill you,
but you’re just a void.
You take all you want,
but cannot be destroyed.
You harbour all my energy,
fill my head with insanity,
...“as if”
I could be your fantasy.

My heart beats frantically,
As I cannot live with this agony.
You choked me down,
to have me around.
Yet I paid with my sanity?

How dare you come back to me,
begging for sweet *****,
just to taste what we could be.

You don’t deserve anybody,
let alone my ******* body,
so go away and leave my heart be.
Ol Nov 2019
I want to forget you. Not forget about us. Forget about everything, meeting you, kissing you, hugging you, loving you, breathing you, waiting for you, sleeping next to you, the sound of your voice, the smell of you, how you felt. You. Everything.
If only that’s how things worked.
If only peace of mind was something we could receive when we most need it, rather than having to work for it each time.
If only exhaling you out of me was as simple as breathing you in.
Ol Nov 2019
I do not like to be touched.

I loathe to be felt, like a velvet jacket in a shop.
I cannot stand being man handled, touching my waist to move past me.

But to taste your finger tips against my lips, and your hand against my heart. Was comfort like no other.

To watch your ****** expressions, reacting to television stimulation. As I felt your soft curls in my hand.

I felt full. Whole almost in those moments.

Chasing highs of you.

Chasing away my lows. A race against time between us.

Then falling out of touch became a game.

And now I crave to feel. Anything. Anyone feel me.
Ol Nov 2019
a 9 inch incision down my chest.
Tearing apart and down my stomach.
Peeling away the cocoon.
Stripping my legs of skin and my arms of scarred surface.
Crawling out and out and out.
Just trying to escape my prison.
Carving my face into a smile and cutting off my nose.
Tearing organs from this hole.
Trying to leave this place.
Screaming and shaking. Soon to be snubbed by my missing vocal cords.

There it is.
The causer of my strife.
Pulling it out with arteries and tendons still attached.
*** ***, *** ***
Watching it beat for the last few moments.
Thinking of how I am now free. To leave.

Escape of my prison.
But I can’t escape the truth.

Must go.
Ol Nov 2019
How do I close my mind
to insignificant possibilities,
And endless atrocities
To feel just you?

How do I breathe the air
Of endless heartbreaks,
To the sound of your half baked

How do I trust another
When my own lover,
Could not hold my heart
Instead just made it rot.

And how do I sleep at night
Staring into the abyss,
Waiting for my heart to stop
Whilst you soundlessly sleep.

Next to her.
Ol Nov 2019
When you told me I was beautiful,
I soaked it up like sweet honeydew.

When you held my hand to your heart,
I imagined cupping it and keeping it abeat.

When you lay your head against my cheek,
I savoured the flow of your hair in my hand.

When we went to restaurants and cinemas alike,
I imagined you one day making it a date.

When I told you my fears,
You listened whilst wiping away my tears.

When you played with my hair,
I’d close my eyes and just feel the bliss,
Only the bliss.

When you touched me,
I imagined what it would feel like for you to make love to me.

When you left me,
I waited

And waited.
But you never came back.
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