"What are you so sad about?" My father asks me, sitting in the driver’s seat of his 30,000 dollar truck.
I sigh and look out the window. “I don’t know.” I reply, rather snottily.
He continues to rant about how I have so many things going for me,
Yet I see nothing.
He points out my talent in acting,
I point out my lack there of.
He points out my pretty face,
I point out how it has no effect in the lack of people I have to depend on.
He points out my drawing and art “skills”,
I point out my sister’s countless awards while I have none.
Reasons to be sad aren't always material.
Reasons to be sad shouldn't be small and trivial things,
But when I wake up and can’t fix my hair just the right way,
I get self-conscious about my entire appearance and mope about it all day.
Call me a ***** if you will.
But I know I am weak, and these days, I am wearing thin.
Like my pencil to paper as I scribble down another forty lines of a poem I will never read aloud.
All of my friends have their own problems, yes.
We all have problems of our own.
But for some reason, whenever I help someone else with theirs,
I feel worse about myself.
Perhaps I’m simply that pathetic, or perhaps I’m ungrateful like my father insists.
At least I do not claim “cars are not replaceable, people are.”
So when my sister cries about a friend from the internet that has killed them self, do not whine when she refuses to confront you after you have told her they were not a real friend.
When my sister asks you not to approach her in the store as you yell relentlessly about things that should not even matter,
Such as the sock she left in the hallway after bringing her laundry to her room,
Do not retaliate with a fist.

When I leave the house,
Yes, house, not home,
The first thing I think about is whether or not my sister will be safe in the same house as you.
Especially when the last time she was there and I was not,
She earned a scar for something she never did.

We all pick shards of glass
worn out
of pride
of dignity
Arrogance
bruises at every broad unending road
Lined with enthralling
bright yellow mustard blooms
A minute
and you forget the path you treaded
And you take old paths
"again"
Confused ?
It doesn't make sense
Which path to take ?
Doesn't matter now, which path you take now
the path changes with the self

I knew every thread of you but you only guessed my stitches
Leaving bruises on my throat and my stomach and my hips in the pitch black where you couldn't see, my face was blank to your fingertips that ran down my back along the sore scratches you'd given me before and I was just trembling because I was cold
And in that night I became everything a woman feared, overwhelmed by some idea of lust to the ecstasy you threatened to give me
You shoved me deeper into the mattress stained with ash and her handwriting she left in permanent ink, but I didn't mind  
You'd remember my smell forever and shiver when you think of it
I felt nothing but bare skin though you were connected to the warmth of me, and when we were done your knees shook while I stood firm and quiet
I left your garage with a kiss on my forehead and some "promised" love I forgot about, smiling because you were unaware that I wasn't coming back
Walking home with a cigarette like any, high off of your cravings like under the sink drugs
Now you give the gift I gave to you to another girl,
how rotten and foul she'll feel after she adores the way you touched her like I did you
Though you admit that wasn't all you wanted, but I'm not haunted

Two-sides, one mind, it isn’t easy to think.
Don’t blink but lip sync the lies fed from your shrink
The missin’ link is tied to the rails of our genes
Tinker with the braille when you rip apart the seams
I’ve seen kingdom come but it's visits are brief
Pay mind to the thief, small talk isn’t cheap
I keep to myself and that man in the mirror
Sharin’ one stare, my character is clear
The gears are still spinnin’ jenny, well enough
Peers leave in a feedin’ frenzy call it tough love
When push comes to shove we rid our resistance
Flexin’ up the shell, tryin’ to counter inhibitions like...

Flight or fight, it's a rite of passage
so you better be able to manage
Flight or fight, it's a rite of passage
so you better get those loose ends fastened

Just give me a second to make my amends
Anchor it down, bound it by fisher’s bend
Let’s pretend that your “friends” are backin’ you up
But the sum of one sums up your lack of trust
Yup, don’t dilly-dally, tally up some bums
If yah in the blind alley at the end of the run
Well you better have a pair of iron giant lungs
For if and when the worst is yet to come

Flight or fight, it's a rite of passage
so you better go and grab a bandage
Flight or fight, it's a rite of passage
so tell me what the damage is kid

© Matthew Harlovic

I  remember the day I lost my soul.
And I wish I could explain it better but how exactly do you explain your dignity being stepped on and your innoncence being ripped to shreds?
The details don't matter because they never do.
I just wanted to go back home.
I just wanted to go back twenty minutes and wait for my friend.
I just wanted to go back an eternity and never take my first breath because how can I still be alive when I feel so dead inside?
And I was just a kid, but I grew up twenty years in the space of twenty seconds.
I didn't cry because I was empty.
I didn't scream because my throat was dry.
I thought about flying and the sound my shoes wouldn't have made on the pavement had I had wings.
Then I thought about this guy who'd made wings out of wax in the legend, and how he'd gotten too close to the sun and died.
And I thought maybe I was already dead.
Because my wings were melted and I was already falling down I
Have drowned in oceans deeper than the universe and
Like a heart lost at sea I am a human lost in the billions of lives walking around me
And joking about **** and not realizing their jokes are not funny
Stripping me down to an skeleton, an object to be played with, a mass of skin and bones, a live doll who couldn't get her voice to be heard by people passing by and turning their heads the other way is not funny.
And I don't want to wish you dead
But I can't bear to see you alive
I have suffered a thousand nights
Your words on my skin like a burning fire
Boiling my blood with the anger a 16 year old should never have to feel
I have been walking the walk of shame
Eversince you spit on the floor where you lay my ruined soul and left me to die And maybe one day I won't wake up with the image of you at my throat but for now you poisonned my past so each night I bleed my ink on paper to forget the weight of your body on top of mine
and I can't trust or smile or live the way I did before and I fall asleep each night feeling your shadow breathing down my neck I
Am no longer a blooming flower but a rotten scent like the perfume you were wearing that night I
Am not dead but I don't wish to feel so I sleep and in my dreams I wash my face with your blood and wipe my tears with my courage so I can clear my eyes and watch you as I blink you away you have not won this battle
In my dreams I am the hero and I don't have bruises and marks imprinted on my body because you do not exist in my dreams
But then I wake up and take twenty shattered breaths on my shaking lips and even as I suffocate in a world that doesn't understand my pain I live each day stronger than the next and let your memory fall down the land of oblivion with the hope one day I'll turn around and you'll be gone.
I have hope.

The ones that were left behind
Began to kick at my shins
And they bled and bruised blue
But all that fell were tears
And my apologies

Forgive me, I've been a stranger
But deep down I've drowned
And coming up for air is a hassle
But I'm still watching from afar

Please wait for me
Please don't look at me like that
Please hear me when I say these
Two words, tumbling out like
******* birds, thirsty for the taste
Of cotton candy clouds

And please accept me,
Those not-so-forgotten friends of mine