I’m the one I think you’re supposed to hate
Because I’m the she when you find a spot to lay all your jealousy
I’m the his of the past,  that’s poisoning your beginning, and,
I guess you don’t know this, but I’m your best friend.
I’m the whirlwind that picked him up, turned him on his head,
The ******* that soaked your hopes in an acrid frailty.
I am the first red-lipped ice queen to bite at his neck
I am the first to coax “I love you” out from the pit in his chest
And he won’t fall for you as easy
No he won’t ever look at you the same
Because his boyish fantasy was a slender girl with a lopsided grin,
Who started games with his mind, that he never did win.
And you might dust off the memories, try to enroot more for yourself
But picking off the scab of me will only make him sore
I’m so sorry that I hurt the one you love, that I stuck around
I’m deemed unworthy of redemption,
I will still, always, and forever, love him more
You can't take me down.

Alone is a feeling
Best felt in the dark
It fills you up
But makes you empty
It makes me think of you
And how you made me love you
Just to steal me away from him

I looked at you and I knew how
Truly Deeply in love I was

Your eyes glistening like stars
Your smile brightening my heart

I thought of you and I knew how
Truly Deeply in love I was

Your arms entangling me in love
Your heart capturing me in warmth

I felt your touch and I knew how
Truly Deeply in love I was

Because my heart skipped a beat
every time your soft skin touched mine

I listened to you and I knew how
Truly Deeply in love I was

Your words sending me into deep though
Your words making me feel loved

I thought about losing you and I knew
how
Truly Deeply in love I was

Feeling hollow, empty at the thought

You are the reason I am
Truly and Deeply in love

a watched *** never boils
and you stared at my every move
not knowing
that I would never bubble over
into the person
you hoped
me to be

for two weeks
I thought there was a baby
growing inside me
but instead
I was just late to understanding
how little you need me
and pregnant with the idea
that I could not live without you

my mother taught me
to never judge a book by its cover
but I forgot
that even the prettiest books
can have no literary value

the first (and only) time
you treated me
as your equal,
we were sitting outside
under the stars
and the moon,
which was ever so slightly
blue

my blessing
was not disguised
as a man that looked
and acted
like a mannequin
but rather
a crack in my heart
that took three years to make
and three months to fill

as it turns out,
I am a cloud
with skin made of silver

My wrists still hurt from
the day you grabbed my arm
and my cuts opened up
underneath my sleeve.
I pulled away
but I didn't mention the pain
because how do you tell someone
who has never shed a drop of blood in
their life,
that every part of you is bleeding.

I don't understand the word ‘love’ because
when I was 13 years old I was forced to believe in it as my brother shoved the wrong definition between my thighs.

Adjusting to being loved and wanted is hard. I'm not used to someone loving me as much as I love them, wanting to be around me all the time, legitimately thinking I'm wonderful.
But I'm loving the learning curve.

He doesn't understand when I tell him
"I'm ugly, but it's okay I'm fine with it"
"I know I'm big, but it doesn't bother me"
"Listen hon, you don't have to spend every minute with me, I know you're gonna be bored if that happens"

He doesn't get that I have spent years accepting the fact that I am
fat, ugly, boring
I can say these things and not have any self hatred when I say them
at least, not overt

But he kisses me and says
he doesn't know how I could think that
that I am beautiful, badass, interesting, cute, and wonderful
He says it so sincerely that I can't bear to contradict him

The thing is, the more he says it
the more I'm starting to believe him

When things go cheesy
Or somewhat sweet
I have the smile,
heating up on me.

Not everyone sees it,
it's really picky.
It's only for me
and for your eyes to see.