Now,
there is the contour of her upturned forehead
nosetip kissed by the moonlight
and shadows frame the shape of her eyes
soft wrinkles at their tapered corners

And my god, the color of them
I stare, squint
A misty night, but they are distinct even in the dark:
bronze beads nestled into slight furrows
gossamer, reflecting starlight.
The sweep across the peppered sky that we stand beneath

Chestnut disks floating in milky spheres
unmistakably hers
full and round, soaking in curiosity
handsome mahogany irises bound by the gold tracing their edges.

The way the light makes those disks look glassy
Semitransparent in the moon’s glow
How they shed their boundaries
shifting, swimming
layers on the eyelid horizon

They shimmer, and stir.
And now,
they rest their gaze on me.
I inhale
dare to step closer
The bustle in the back of my brain—
A hum, and the purr of pleasure at her beatitude.

It feels like you died.
Gone, out of my life.
In that instant you were taken away...
I try to find you
I really try to
I can not let go of you 'til this day...
One day if I see you,
I hope you will remember me, too
I will greet you
With tears bleeding down my face...
I hope I do see you
I really need you
Losing you only added to the pain.
I hate to say this
Do not know how you will take this
But at times I felt like you were to blame...
Only 'cause I was angry
At the reality of never seeing you again...
But I was never upset with you anyway...
It just hurts deeply
Your absence completely
Destroyed any progress we made...
The depth of my grieving
Thoughts of you leaving
There are times I can not function for days...
I sit on my bed, crying.
Devastated and desperately whispering your name...
Wishing you back has not worked yet...
But I am hoping that it will, some day....

My life pressed like those perfect folded sheets. Married in steam and good intentions of having life together.

Of course, that always starts with making your bed in the morning and filling the days with things you ought to do.

I'd spent my whole life trying to be this person....

I can't but help miss the stain on my coffee table and my linen sheets sprawled across my floor waiting for my return.

The chaos in my life felt like a harmony of bethovan's seventh symphony. A beautiful orchestrarted master piece I could only make the sense of.

I was an absolutist. Completely content with the messiness of it all. Entirely captivated by the beauty and desire with urge to succumb to it all.

The unequivocal grounding of not giving a **** at all if at least felt good.

I can't help but wonder if the person I'm unbecoming is the person I should be saving.

My mind was made of moonlight and fresh strawberries
Of a sunset kissing the perfect G chord
The interweavings of dreams and earth
A push and pull kind of mentality
Suspended in air
Until the last breath falls
My words are glass,
Sleek and breakable but
Strong against the wind
I dont forget a face
Or a mental illness
My songs are a life of their own
My stories, a world incongruous with reality
I've been sewn together with slivers of ocean foam
I've been given eyes of the first winter breeze
I am incomplete
I hold the world in a box buried in my chest
Beating away
Away
Away

to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful

to maintain a kiss
to be something to miss
to be a wife with kids
you have to be beautiful

likewise, all of us feel we’re the detriment
in a society that loves to see us in bed
but we cry soggy tears on our sheets
and we don’t stop just because a model says we can be beautiful on the inside

to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful
buy a diamond studded dress
and go out in the reeds
and sing a sailor’s song to your bride to be

likewise, all of us feel the world’s back turned
our royal blue skin on her selfish lips  
giving us dead flowers and then wishing us the best
sends us away with so many backhanded compliments

to be worth the world, you have to be beautiful
raise your arms up to the afternoon sun
and remind everyone you were sent from God
and baby, i was too but there’s no use to prove it

likewise, i turn jewelry into stone
i make this critical conditioned heart into gold
i sew my bedsheets to represent some home
i believe the truth comes bleeding out of our eyeballs
our lungs just trying to catch up to this world

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
we all call you by your given name
but you stomp on our fingers
you linger like a bad disease
it doesn’t pay to be kind and pretty

unlike you, i slave the day away
trying to feel the taste that gathers on your tongue
even when you do things wrong
i must try to feed the monster inside of my stomach
but it beats me to a pulp
every time i want something even as widespread as love

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
you don’t need all the credentials
you don’t even have to have potential
as a valued person for anything other than your outer self

likewise, one day i might slip under the rope
being able to stop playing limbo
but what does it matter?
i’m still not a rose quartz in the middle of a stage show

to be worth the world, you must be beautiful
dance in alleyways
sing in outer space
be someone who can be replaced



be easily replaced
and then you’re beautiful
in this world

This morning I caught the sky
Right in my hands
Nebulous, Cumulus all in one hand
Brightness, brightness , beaming out of my fingers

Holding it up
The power is unimaginable
I try not to put it out
Then suddenly...
Like a butterfly I let it go