i was touched.

countless times, i was touched.

in between my thin legs, i was touched.

you...

you...

you...

you... you touched me.

did it make you feel good?

to do that to an eight year old?

grandpa?

no you...

you don't deserve that title...

fred?

did it make you feel good?

why?

and was that a good enough reason?

to touch me...

your own granddaughter...

you touched in between my thin legs.

did it make you feel good?

to touch me in such a ****** way...

you touched me countless times,

i, your grandaughter, was touched.

i was touched by you.

“Okay you can stop now
I’m uncomfortable”

It’s like my scream couldn’t even be heard underwater
And even if they could no one would hear them
My body was stuck and
I felt like I was just withdrawing from life

My bones ache and remorse from the bruising
My heart breaks and hurts from the lashings

“You didn’t STOP
Why didn’t you just STOP.
That’s all you had to do and I’d be okay”

I am nothing more than a ******* shell now and that’s all I’ll ever be
all because of you

I constantly feel alone with any man who tries to love me
I’ll constantly be accused and feel like every last thing will always be my fault

My soul will always be tainted and brittle

You did this

Because you couldn’t stop.

I dated a wrestler,
Mom liked him,because he was white and had red hair like me
He bought me things, even though I didn’t ask
He carried my books to class, and opened the doors
He held my hand and sometimes grabbed my ***

But I didn’t mind because I’ve been taught
Through society that when things are bought
****** payments are what females give with no afterthought

So with much gratitude
I sent him a ****
And he send it to the whole school

Starting with the wrestling team,
But some of them were football players so they sent it to their team
So on and so forth until the extreme

Sexualassults were happening constantly
Hallways turned into a runway of grabs and brushes against my ***
Some even slipped a dollar into my pocket as payment for the peak

When a **** of lingerie for a nice guy turned into a beacon that I’m a *****
People starting victim blaming me, ‘you shouldn’t have done that’
And the principle doesn’t care

He overheard from a group of boys
He got the picture and had it printed sitting on his desk,
“This is chidpornography if I see you sending this again you’ll be in trouble”

I realized no one was going to defend me and so the strong women I am known to be
Hid, when I need her strength the most
Once confident head held high, I try to blend in with the crowd

I changed the way I dressed into sweatshirts and baggy pants
But they continue because it’s not the way I dress, but that I’ve become inferior
And the open palms that graze me burn with masculinity

~Emma Rose

"You're so ******* ****"
After she got done ****** me.

"Hey you up?"
4am from a man working at the liquor store I frequent.

"If you weren’t such an *** tonight I would’ve liked to cuddle with you"
A bartender at my regular bar.

"Hey I'm not complaining. You can beat my *** anytime."
An uber driver after I jokingly said I would beat him up. He was a retired police officer.

"Come on. You never even gave me a chance!"
A close friend of 3 years who was upset that I started dating someone else and not him. He didn't talk to me for over 2 years after.

"Seems like you're taking whoever's available at this point."
My manager after I disclosed to her a **** that happened to me days prior.

"Come on, can't I just get a hug?"
A stranger in a bar.

"What? What what's wrong? Come on."
A man in a bar when I wouldn't drop the fact that he had just stuck his hand on my **** and between my legs.

"Well you have to be careful that you're not flirting or being too nice to men."
My father after I told him about an uncomfortable situation with a bartender hitting on me.

Do not call me babe.
Don't call me dear
Honey
Sweetie
Love
Do not touch me.

I am not
For
You.

You were my first boyfriend.
I was smitten over someone liking me.
I didn’t even care that I was your rebound.
You compared me to the blonde character in an anime because you wanted me to be perfect.
You treated me badly and broke up with me for other girls
who seemed better than I.
Then, you’d come back to me,
because no one but me had low enough self-esteem to date you.
Sure, they didn’t know the real you; like I did.
They knew the goofy nerd who was in the friendzone.
Finally, I left because I knew I deserved better.
You cried.
Lonesomeness,
is not fun after you’ve been next to someone after two years.
What could you do?
Pitiful, shameful, *** with your ex.
I always regretted it.
Whether it was right when you came over
or right after
or when you left.
One time you said that I “didn’t last long”
because when I regretted it halfway through I told you to stop.
A year goes by.
I pay a visit to your house.
I mostly miss your mom;
ya’ll were my second family.
I had nothing to do before making an hour drive to my niece’s for babysitting.
I dropped in.
I stopped by.
One of my biggest mistakes of my life on that February afternoon.
I watched TV with your mom.
You were sleeping.
She made food so I went to wake you.
We went downstairs and ate.
I asked if you wanted to come outside while I smoked.
You did.
I told you about someone I was seeing,
about how they enjoyed the way I gave head.
Big deal.
To you
because
you said that my head “*****”
I should “prove it” to you that I was good at it.
I refused because I don’t need to prove myself to anyone
especially you.    
Flash forward to your room.
Here’s the part where you can blame me if you’d like.
for going to your room.
How was I supposed to know what you wanted to take from me?
A friendly tickle fight turned into you on top of me.
Force kissing me.
I pushed you off.
Gravity was against me.
When you finally rose
I said “What the **** is wrong with you?”
Why were you doing this to me...?
Without skipping a beat.
I got my answer
that’d replay in my mind
forever.
“You can’t turn me on without turning me off.”
Shock.
Complete Shock.
You wanted my body
and according to you
I was only there for your pleasure.
That’s all I was.
An object for your enjoyment.
I immediately left your room.
You tried to stop me,
you tried to say sorry,
but the damage was done.
You marked yourself.
I had to pretend
in front of your mom
that nothing happened
until I left.
I cried many times that day.
Tears behind my eyes while watching TV right after with her
counting the minutes until I was supposed to leave.
Wailing on my way to my brother’s
Thoughts that it was my fault
that I caused it
while my niece slept peacefully.
And more tears when I told my mom
and even more when she told me to stay quiet
because your mom was already going through a lot.

I was objectified
disrespected
and silenced that day
in February before Valentine’s Day
2016.

I was threatened
With tantric ****
Online
I refuse to be a statistic
I want to be a survivor
I refuse to be a survivor
I need to thrive
Through this
I found
Why I am on this planet
To stop this
From happening
To someone else
Not enlightenment
I know
The sad fact
That I am
Still a statistic.
But I am much more
Than that.  
I am a human.

when the man that sexually assaulted me
laughed
because i said i was going to talk about ****** assault
i felt weaker than i
had ever felt
because suddenly
even though i knew what i wanted to say
and i knew i had a voice
i felt so little
and inconsequential
it was almost as though
he had stolen my voice
again