you have dust in your veins
and a tattoo of a black flame
with your mother's name to
the left of it in messy scrawl.
there are ***** sheets in the
bedroom with your old blue
jeans on top of them as you
forgot them when you saw
that I wasn't the dream you
had once wanted so badly.
syringes and tears are strewn
chaotically around the room
and my body is littered with
the last marks you left from
a belt and a bad word or two
from when you thought I was
making a mockery out of you.
welts and bruises tell the story
of how you had assured me I
was a loser and you were just
doing what the next guy would
do so it was only fair to laugh
as I had screamed out of fear.
you were the ultimate betrayal
when you pinned me down in
the bath and held my head so I
could not breathe and said you
would make sure I was dead if
I ever tried to leave again on a
midnight train in summer rain.
it was a world away from who
you'd been when we first met
because soon the back of my
head was wet with blood and
I would always hear the thud
of your work boots that filled
my heart and soul with dread.
inducing panic and distress
was your ******* and so I got
the blame when the beers ran
out and there wasn't any money
until next week to buy you drink.
this was the world I lived in now,
a sick desperate shell of how I
should be except I am not free.
so another day will pass and I
will refill your beer glass as you
leer at me with yellow teeth for
my grief is what ignites the thief
of joy in your bones and makes
my body your undesired home.

I have nightmares
of his hands on my skin
touching, scraping, taking.

fingers bruising my spine
blood red on my lips
like soured wine.

it's been six years
but he's still in my head
and oh, God, I want to forget.

the line between

consent and assault

is blurred in my memory

if i gave consent - but i was only a child - while he

was three years ahead, a senior

taking advantage of a freshman

is that considered non consensual

even though

i did not say no.

this memory has been suppressed for over two years

i don't remember many details

other than his hand pressed against me

like a hot iron that burned me if i moved,

my shaky breaths of terror he took as pleasure,

i thought it was normal

that i had to reciprocate

that i had to be okay with it.

he flirted with me the days leading up

to that night

it was seductive and it worked

i was lured into his trap

my ignorant brain didn't know any better

it was the beginning of high school

i thought it was normal

i thought i consented .

my lips had just touched another boys before

a sad excuse of a kiss,

i was inexperienced beyond belief

nowhere near ready for his hand to be on me.

i could not even say no

for his family was there to

when he sat next to me in the back seat

he automatically assumed power over me,

while i

was powerless.

i told myself to let it go

that it meant nothing and i would get over it

he was my best friends brother

i couldn't dare risk our friendship

over something

i might have

consented to.