Every night I sit by a fire,
the only fire that keeps me warm:
red-hot coals,
perpetually burning,
not quite alive, but never really dying;
flaking white ash,
burned beyond recognition,
crumbling into nothing;
and gray smoke,
stinging my eyes, eating up my lungs,
as I breathe in the fumes
and lay beside the fire,
the fire of what was, and
what could have been,
and what never will be.

i called him ash
as charcoal was a bit obvious
and i loved him
so of course
i had to keep it a secret

i look back at the girl i was
when it happened and
darling, you were so young
you didn’t deserve to be treated that way
or to have to grow up that fast
i wish i could’ve protected you and
told you that you were safe
and that you didn’t have to
destroy yourself
because you didn’t want to be in
the same body he touched

you thought you carried
your faults on your skin
so you tore it open

i was a body hollowed out
a skeleton with shattered bones
he ripped off my wings
and emptied me of all light
now all you’ll find
is black paint in careless streaks
across my weary heart
tired of beating

a ***** rotting thing
held a lighter to a match
not as smart as you might think
so i burned
and returned
to ash again

i remember this in little flashes
noises, smells, words
hit my brainstorm like lightning bolts
and take me right back to
a frightened little girl
blurred visuals projected
like a picture show i didn’t want to see
and i freeze
catatonia

my senses swarmed in radio static
and nothing around me is real anymore
not that the broken memories
of buried innocence in an unmarked grave
felt any more concrete
i can hear my panicked
heartbeat thumping like thunder
in my chest while thoughts
run wild through my mind
reverberating around my brain
until they whirred enough
to release cacophonous screams

is it too much to ask to forget
these little incendiary flashes
because they burn me from the inside
and turn me back to ashes
but memories don’t work like that
they don’t dissipate or shrink
no matter how hard you try

secrets turn to cement in my lungs
and i’m drowning in them
suffocating, coughing, wheezing
every time i try to speak
i choke because it’s not over
unless he says it is

to be polite
i keep this twisted sickness inside of me
but i long to cut myself open
and rip the tangled mess
of trauma from my chest
throw it down where everyone can see
because i’m so tired
of keeping this in for so long

i’ve only ripped myself open
to know it was real
because i’m just a terrified child
but the world doesn’t stop
the natural progression of
a child with secrets
to an adult with depression

no one cares
when they see someone like me
hunched over her own bleeding guts
splattered on the sidewalk
apologizing to pedestrians
about her own carnage
because she didn’t mean it
as a call for attention

but god, i wish they did
if only the world would stop for a moment
so i can collect these thoughts
and piece them together in way
i can explain why
i’m bleeding out in front of you
and ask for you
to reach out your hand
and rescue me
from this unrighteous ruining
and help me rise from these ashes
6/22

Bridges burn and rivers dry,
Kingdoms turn to ashes.
We live on, not knowing why
Eons feel like flashes.

Trees grow old and stars collide,
Powers fall and crumble.
Some would kneel just to survive,
Blindly trudge and stumble…

Birds go mute and maps outdate,
Loses gold its lustre.
Crowds of fools besmirched with hate
Seek another Master.

Darkness now abides in there
Where oft hope sprang eternal.
Foul is the morning air
That much was sweet and vernal.

Sky falls down and ills abound,
Lights are now extinguished.
Gone for good, not to be found,
Freedom once relinquished.

petals
in the wind
floating gently
to their final destination
bloodred scarlet
already started
to wither
in the gentle
wind.

sparks
fly
from an explosion
sparks
turn to flames
petals turn to ash.

ashes
in the wind
floating gently
to rest
upon
a crimson
bloodred
flower.

My voice doesn’t reach you.

I hope one day when I collapse,
and spread out a million pieces
of life-burnt-ash,
that then, maybe then,
you’ll stop and
Reflect,
that I finally reached you,
that I finally reached you

After our time came to pass.

before you
i didn't know
what fireworks felt like,
you set me ablaze
and it terrified me
now everything
dulls in comparison,
and all i have left
are memories
that tear through my bones.

Diventerò
così fredda
da poterti bruciare.

Nulla importa più,
nulla vive senza te,
neanche le fiamme.

Nulla rimane,
tranne la cenere,
senza il tuo amore.

i creep on pouring orange
tiptoes over the absence of light
this is what the death of the sun
calls for in her last waking moments;
no blood, no tears, no sweat
a most ceremonious twirl of shadow
vanishing into ashes that
form the dust in sunset

we all come and go