Why do I push everything away
I can no longer keep this at bay
Pushing everyone out from my life
This torment of never feeling right

These shackles bringing me to my knees
I’ve built this prison and buried the key
If this was love it shouldn’t be killing me
Release me from the weight of this gravity

Awaken each day with a burning, aching pain within my chest, made from veins, bone and ******* flesh
What a sight to behold
As I watch this anguish unfold
Such a terrible mess
This is distress, at its best
Prisoner to this phobia
Confined to this hysteria
Walking alone fearing my own shadow
Never to know who i’ll become tomorrow

These shackles bringing me to my knees
I’ve built this prison and buried the key

Particles of mist fill the air
Looking through that painstaking glass
It’s me I see from the reflection on the flask
The sun rises as does my mask
Putting it all away, that underlying pain
Hidden away by a laugh and smile, no worry it’s only for a while

The horrors that surround me continues to unfold
“It’ll get better” is what I’m told
No one questions if it doesn’t
Leave me dead and bludgeoned

Numbing the pain through scarring limbs
Darkness grows near, the light becoming dim
My hope constantly wearing thin
When will I find pleasure ever again
The spite in myself is more than hate
Death has always been my fate

If this was love it shouldn’t be killing me
Release me from the weight of this gravity

I won’t waste your time with what goes on in my mind, because I’m slowly forgetting.
Forgetting everything one day at a time
Everyday feels the same, why do things have to be this way, a feeling of happiness never to be regained

Eyes have become hollow sockets
Lungs nothing more than air pockets
Heart empty filled with despair
Mind left with too much to bear

Overwhelming torture and discourse
Drowning every guilt with remorse
Nothing but bitterness and disgust
There’s no faith left to trust

I used to tell myself that I would never become someone else
But I should have told myself
I was going to be somebody

This world seemed so quiet when you were here
Now surrounded by static and noise
So again I find myself swimming to the bottom of the bottle just to block out all sound
Who have I become this time around

English
Anguish

Did you know that I used to melt at your smile?  That I used to be so overwhelmingly happy in planning little surprises and sweet things for you with just that smile as a repayment.

Did you know that I got so scared when that smile started to become less and less?  That I knew that something was wrong, and even though I was still trying to do those little things that I could see they didn’t mean as much to you.

Did you know that I always blamed myself for us growing apart?  That I would torture myself trying to find the reasons why you had become so distant and unhappy.

Did you know that when I lost you that I lost absolutely everything?  That I honestly felt like someone had taken the purpose of me and threw it away, and that my heart hurt so bad that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

Did you know how bad those words would hurt me when you said them.  That realizing that you never loved me, and that you used me to better your situation for seven years took every smile you gave me and turned it into an agony of falseness that I would never be able to escape from.

Do you know that I still love you?  That after everything, I still dream about you and lie awake at night after three years as a slideshow of you runs through my head.

Do you know that even if you never loved me, that you will always be my true love?

Do you know?

humanities fall
perpetually
surely
and constantly
loosing leaves
once the season
ending
and the anguish
settles in
we will grow

Some days are so low it hurts,
      Heartbeat racing limbo and spreading
Centre of chest in an empty ache.

Perspective slips, sliding underfoot
       Like a carpart pulled and unravelling,
Enveloping me and passing me by.

Some days floating still, eyes closed
         and wanting to dissapear.