I miss it.

I miss the rush.
The soaring mind sitting down for a test
From all the blood pounding in my head
The sparks when I'd walk across a stage
To remind me to do my best
I miss the adrenaline.

But I don't miss it all.
The paralytic panic
The crippling fear
The devastating perfectionism
The compulsions
The growing thin against my will
I'm lucky to be free.

Yet, somehow I still have this desire
To simulate what I've lost
Copious cups of coffee
To make my heart pound
That little ball of jittery energy
Spinning in my gut
Spreading through to my fingertips
Then I'll be late to class
Driving recklessly
Running down stairs
Cutting it so close
That I have to feel nervous
That I have to feel something

So, what can I say?
I'm a creature of habit
And maybe it'll **** me

my chest is a black hole that takes the air I breath from my lungs,
quickly imploding in on itself.
the molecules of my cells wanted to get out of this black pit of anxiousness, but the gravity was too strong to escape
the overwhelming matter

my heart is a jackhammer that palpitates adrenaline-filled blood through the highways of my vessels,
as if one wrong turn would cause the vehicles of blood cells to collide with the walls of my arteries and veins 'til it ruptures.

my mind is a tornado formed by the hot and cold air of
worst-case-scenarios that ***** in whatever is left from the village of my sanity, leaving behind destruction and remnants of mental strain.

my muscles are ropes in a game of tug-of-war between opposing teams of stress and anxiety that tenses up the fibers of my being, causing burns across the length of back and leaving me unable to move,
until the only thing left it can do
is reach a breaking point that creates tassels of exhaustion

Oh, God. Please give me rest.

Daring spirits search for delirium in a city of opportunity.
Enthralled by the endless possibilities,
The blinding lights and abandonment of time.
They crave excitement,
Yearning for the surge of adrenaline in their blood.
The sweet taste of freedom.

Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

i've talked you all off ledges,
balancing on my own,
but honestly,
i don't care.
i rather like the feeling of uncertainty,
the butterflies that can
quite literally fly me off the edge.
i rather like the sweetness of the wind,
the cool air,
head in the clouds.
i rather like the view of the stars,
beautiful constellations
distracting me from my thoughts.
i rather like that my legs can swing
back and forth and back again
almost like a kid again.
i rather like seeing the city from above,
people milling about aimlessly,
a little adrenaline to spice up the view.
i rather like being on the ledge
nowhere to go but down,
sure, it's a little cramped,
but it's okay, I suppose.

I feel it coming
The rush of recklessness
The active adrenaline
As it surges through my body

I may fall
But I will rise
And continue on

Only one life to live
May it be my last
As I run past
Towards the setting sun

Youth is like a day
Early brightness
That dies out like a star