rainbows are
so freaking amazing
not in a sappy literature
way but in the way of simplicity
that something so beautiful can come from something so violent it
gives me hope and hope is such a delicate thing to also come
from something so big why do i hope something more can become of me from a rainbow
excuse me, i got off track we were talking about simplicity rainbows and simplicity rainbows and simplicity rainbows and---
rainbows every time i hear that word i think hope and there's no way i can change my thinking
nor will i ever change my thinking because maybe hope from rainbows i don't know maybe hope from rainbows is better than
nothing
rainbows are pretty freaking amazing in the sappy literature way in which i have been referencing throughout the majority of this failed attempt at simplicity poem

like a phoenix
i'll rise from the ashes of
the girl i once was
i've lived
a thousand lives
and i'll live
a thousand more

what do you say in a traditional wedding toast?
I’m not a traditionalist
I’m a poet
I’m not too good at structured, sentimental texts
i speak in chopped verses so
here’s my non-traditional, non-structured, sentimental wedding toast
in verse

my memories
flash and fade quickly like lights flicker on and off
i'm toddling around the house right behind you
where are you going?
can i come too?

i'm barefoot in the driveway washing your car
you took pictures, no doubt laughing at the streaks we left on the windows because, shortness

i'm sitting on the bus rifling through your purse like the nosy little kid I am
you're chaperoning one of my school field trips
one of the aids asks if you're my mother
you chuckle and say "nope, i'm her sister"
i roll my eyes because isn't it obvious we're sisters?
okay, it wasn't obvious we're sisters

i'm bouncing down the hallway to your room
stopping suddenly at the sight of packing boxes
college
you're leaving me
"we'll be okay" you said
i believed you even though i could have sworn
i was losing my sister to the big city for good
we wrote letters
we skyped
we emailed
and i called you
so many times
we were okay

fifth grade, you bring a guy home
but not just any guy
i think we all knew this one was different
i saw it in your eyes
i was only 11 but i knew what love looked like

b, you always told me i was the wind beneath your wings
you can't break the bond of sisterhood
you just can't
but maybe the bonds will loosen
i thank you for the memories
they were fantastic and i'm looking forward to seeing what the future has in store for us
i'm thinking
babies would be nice
In time...

so my dear sister,
tell me how married life is
i hope this night was everything you always dreamed of

nick, you've got to be
the happiest guy in the world right now

i'm only 16 but i know what love looks like
it looks like his gaze on her glowing beauty
it looks like a promise of forevers proclaimed in front of loved ones
it looks like my sister
finding her other half
and my brother in law
finding his.

-rgp

do you
have the strength?
they asked me
i looked at my frail arms then at my legs
skinny would be an understatement
i’m
deadly thin
do you
have the strength?
they asked me
i looked at my mind then at my heart
battered, but not destroyed
i
haven’t given up
yet
do you
have the strength?
they asked me
yes
i replied

broken wings
will fly away
just not
immediately
broken wings
are broken for a reason
there was a story
and a struggle
and a person who was done trying
he broke himself
she betrayed herself
to save himself
from her wounds
you can’t fly away
you can’t get hurt
maybe broken wings
are broken for a reason

absence is said to make the heart grow fonder
but when you've been away
you don't grow fonder of the absence
your heart doesn't grow fonder of the absence
so why
do people say that?
my heart hasn't grown fonder of the distance
honestly I thought the gap would close and my heart might heal over the wound
instead, it's just beginning to get pried open and with every letter I write, with every hour that passes that I'm still not asleep
my heart turns a shade darker and
floats a little farther away from my body

My soul is weary yet I still march on
I'm the tearstained pages of my favorite book
I'm the gentle whispers in the morning that remind you
Today you are alive
I'm the calluses on the bottoms of my feet from running on hot pavement and gravel in the summer
I'm the pen that wrote the words that make my heart ache
I'm not done here
The calluses on my feet weren't always there
It used to burn when I walked outside
But nothing felt so good as the mix of sand and concrete beneath my feet so I ran and became stronger
Immune to the heat
I'm battered and worn but the best books are
I will march on
And I will become
Everything I haven't yet

Sometimes it feels like you're walking around on tiptoe as not to disturb the glass beneath your feet
Broken edges, sharp shards of memories and the life that once was
Shoes mask the familiar feel of the ground, confuse your feet, and throw them off path
Barefoot and
Not so free
Hobble around, try to regain your balance whilst staying upright
Don't look down, feel around for the soft areas
A blind man, navigating through a minefield
What are the chances of getting through safely?
When it rains more glass you grab at your threadbare sweatshirt that is trying so hard to protect you
Your innocent, now scarred white flesh glistens against the storm of needles that ***** your skin
At what point do you decide to stop caring?
At what point do you take off the jacket that's not been doing much for you anyways and just give yourself to the battle?
Sacrificial living or
Sacrificial dying
Sacrificial being
At what point do you blow up?
I'm trying to understand this way of walking
But I stomp around on heavy feet
My feet are calloused and sore
I'm barefoot and free
I've blown off my limbs but what's a little blood to stop the war?
My scars have faded
I gave myself to the storm
Yet I'm still breathing
I've not died though I've walked many a mile on
Tiptoe back when I thought it was wise
To walk on shattered glass

I think about death
I do
Not in the gory suicidal way but in the
"one day I will die....hmmm" way
I've thought about my funeral
I don't want anyone to cry
I wasn't THAT great of a person
But as snarky (and sometimes full of it) as I tend to be
I know
The day that I die will be a sad day
I want flower seeds scattered at the base of my headstone and
my ashes scattered deep in the mountains because I loved my mountains more than anything else Nature had to offer
My mother always said if He can raise people from the dead then he should be able to put people back together from their ashes
So let me be cremated
I never liked the idea of my body being left to rot six feet under anyways
I think about who will be around when I die
I could go at any time so
whether or not my parents will be around to mourn the loss of their child is irrelevant
How much would I have accomplished?
Would I have made an impact on the world like I'd always dreamed I would?
I've thought about my last words
What sound will people hear as I take my last breath?
I hope it will be
"see you soon"
I wonder where I'll be when the time comes
What sound will people actually hear as I take my last breath?
Will it be filled with regret? remorse? happiness?
I think about death.
I do
And as I close this poem, I'll ask you this question
Do you?

When I’m really nervous, I start picking at the skin on my lips and hope it will heal over before--
Before nothing
Nothing will happen
When I’m really nervous, I play with the ends of my hair and wonder if--
If I’ll ever wake up from this nightmare where someone lo--
Looks at me like I’m an actual person
When I’m really nervous--
I take a deep breath and whisper get over yourself

Writing about my Mother and Father never seemed like it would be an easy feat
But so far this summer has been all about
Self Discovery and I guess
it would be wise to know your roots before you explore the Tree

I don't know much about my roots except that
They're Korean
My Father was 10 years older than my Mother
I was not their first child

I call them Mother and Father because those words are cold, bitter, distant, cordial
"Mom" feels warm, like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies (Grandma's famous recipe, of course)
"Dad" tastes like the sly, goofy smile as he says "So what did I buy you today?"

I've always dreamed of the day when I stand opposite my Mother
I even scripted out the words I'd say to her
First, Anger
Then, Confusion
Why, Mother?
Why?
Lastly,
Forgiveness
Because even though she "abandoned" me,
She did give me life.

My Father, well
I never really thought about him
This Father's Day, though?
I did.

I have nothing to say about him, except that I imagined he was, perhaps, a businessman.
I wonder if he loved my Mother

Why are you writing about these two people you've only ever met once in your life?
Even that statement smells of uncertainty.
Why would you waste your tears on these ugly human beings?
Accept the fact that you'll never know.

No.

I refuse to accept the truth.
Let me be hurt by their doings but
I know I was not a mistake

Love is jumping into the void knowing no one will be there to catch you and taking that risk anyways
I needed answers and maybe one day I'll get them but for now I am content with what I have.

I have Love, as twisted as it seems,
I will always have Love because Love
is what they gave me

When the ink flows from the tip of my pen onto paper,
it really is a
Majestic sight
My thoughts come alive via
scrawled script in
Blue Ink

Dear Teacher,
I am not your "Inspiration" nor am I your "Motivation"
Do not use me as an "Example"
They hate me enough already
I do not need to talk to you after class, I am doing just fine
Bs aren't acceptable?
I'm sorry I couldn't complete your assignment
I was mentally ill that day.
No, don't give me an A when I didn't work for it
That's cheating
Me
Out of life
Yes I can handle it
I'm not as Weak as you think I am
Dear Teacher
I know I made you cry at graduation
You didn't think I'd be able to do it
I told you
I could handle it.

I have a secret
That I can't tell anyone
Because I let Fear
****** me
Fear swallowed me whole as the What If's became louder and louder in my ears
Fear looked so charming in that sweat-stained t-shirt
Fear had eyes that I'll never forget
Fear closed my eyes and whispered in that husky voice that made me weak in the knees
"They will judge you"
I have a secret
That I will never tell anyone
Because my secret
Belongs to Fear now.

She was
A word artist, delicately stringing letters together on a long beaded necklace of a poem
She was
An escape artist, writing to numb herself of the pain that incessantly stabbed her in places that should not feel,
Her heart, her mind, her body was corrupted...
She was
an Artist
Who felt more than the World should have allowed her to Feel
She carried the weight of the World on her shoulders, every day becoming weaker instead of Stronger
She was
an Artist
Who couldn't put the pen down

By the way she opens herself up to others,
You would never know how much she's gone through
Selflessness and a desire that turned into an urge

By the way she's always making sure everyone else is okay first,
You would never know she's struggling to keep herself above water
Maybe she's helping herself by helping others

She's always telling me
To take care of myself first before I worry about others
I am top priority

I wonder if she takes her own advice

It seems like Distractions
Are all I've been breathing lately
I'm not alive anymore
I died the day I traded in Oxygen for Pain
Now, I'd give anything to have my old life back
When the only decision I had to make was deciding whether or not I should invite my cousin over to play with my new toys
When I could stand out in the rain and feel nothing else but euphoria
I'd love so much
To smile and not have my Smile act as a Facade
To take these Distractions, hold them in the palm of my hand and blow them away in the wind with a wish
I'd love so much
To have Oxygen fill my lungs with air
Then I'd exhale a sigh of relief because that would mean everything is right again
But things are not right
And so I'll go back to
Watching the World Cup, but not really pay attention
Planning for my trip next month
Reading the book that isn't so interesting
Conversing with my family though I'm
Not present
I'm drowning
in Distractions.

The last song I listened to
Told me to keep marching on, we've all got battle scars
The last song I listened to
Told me to just remember who you are
The last song I listened to
Told me it's never too late to clear your canvas
The last song I listened to
Let me free myself as I let the words sink into my skin
The volume climbed higher and I gave myself to the ocean of notes
Crashing against the rocks as my delicate glass soul splintered into a million pieces
The last song I listened to
Didn't know how much I needed to hear it

Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
When I'd heard that lyric
I was in the 7th grade, going through my scene phase in an attempt to salvage a friendship
I lost the tug of war match between myself and the girl who needed so much
I forfeited because I'd come to the realisation that friendships
Are really just balloons you eventually have to let go of before it starts to sag
Months went by and I found myself listening to that playlist
Searching for something that wasn't there
Maybe looking for some peacefulness, I don't know
One summer, the heavy monsoon storms would not let up
Afternoon after afternoon I spent staring out my window wondering if I could drown in it if I stood outside for long enough
That was the summer my sewing machine wouldn't stop humming as I ran out of fabric to make the unfinished quilt that hides in my closet
That was the summer I really listened
To the song and to my heart
Sometimes you gotta fall before you fly
Sometimes to really live you've got to try
I let myself fall, convinced I was going to fly
I tried, expecting I was going to live
I fell
I tried
I failed
I lied
That was the summer I died.

I believe
I believe I'm hesitant to believe in anything because
Life is always changing, sometimes faster than you can bat an eye
I believe that you can never be alone because your thoughts will always be with you
I try to believe that good will overcome evil but it is a concept I can't wrap my mind around
I believe that the world will never stop spinning and I will never stop dancing to the subtle sway of Earth's forces
I believe that the sun still rises even on cloudy days
That after the worst storms, rainbows linger
I believe that everything is indefinite
And I believe that words have more power than actions do
I believe that I will always be looking for something else because I am a searcher
A wanderer
A creator
But not quite a believer

Goodbyes
The words never come easy
Goodbyes
Signal the end of the best time I've had in ages
I don't want to say goodbye
I'm scared that if I say it
One of us will leave and the memories will fade
Maybe you have to say goodbye to say hello again
But I don't want anymore goodbyes because I liked my first hello
Adios
Farewell
So final
I don't like the idea that we'll be apart
I don't like the idea of life going on as soon as I leave
Going back to old habits and falling into the same monotone routines
Goodbyes
The colour drains from my tear-stained face
One last hug
I want to hold on forever
I won't say goodbye
Because I know this isn't the end so
Instead I'll say
See you soon
I'll let go when you do
See you soon.

I needed to know it would be okay tonight
Even though my heart kept telling me
It wasn’t

I wanted to bottle my emotions and throw them far out to sea
Even though I knew
The bottle would come back inevitably

I drew sunshine and rainbows all over my paper with brightly coloured crayons
My fingers curled around the black one as I slashed thunderclouds and lightning bolts through the sun

I listened to happy music and tried dancing like no one was watching
I sat down on the ground, just sat there in the middle of my room and thought this is so stupid
I turned off the music and contemplated my existence

I went to my journal, opened it to a fresh page
but didn’t write
I just wanted to see my tears hit the paper
I just wanted to see the evidence

I got online

I wrote inspirational posts about being so much more than you think you are and
You are beautiful don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise
Smile, I told them, it will be okay
I needed to know it would be okay
So I told others it would be okay
And slowly,
I began to believe myself

Someone turned off the moon
I searched high and low
Someone stole the moon out of the sky
How? is what I want to know

It was a funny feeling, to look up that night
To see the night light gone
A magic ladder that reached the heavens
The stars couldn't sing their song

Someone took the moon and ran
Snatched it without a sound
It was a very discombobulating night
Without the moon around