I'm a ***** for hopeful words
And a ***** to anything true,
This is why I stayed and slept
With you-
The loneliness of your skin
Bumping against  
The desperation of myself,
bold( 3am, eight months later )
Still feels like perfection
In bleached briefs.

With all the debris
Collecting in the gutters
That separate heart
And mind
Soul  
And spirit
I should call upon the city
Alert the press

But, they laugh
And I realize

No one cares
About the grime
The sludge
The pollution
That comes with an
Ended love

Everyone's dumping something
Into the oceans

Could there ever be a
Home in me again?
Ran so far away, all
I
See is the end.
Tangible, you are not.
Instant sacrifice is my lot.
All the blue,
Nestled too deeply in my feeble bones.

Don't  
Ever
Answer,
No.

Will my blood boil thick for
Anyone else?
Keepsakes tell me it's  
Easily a loss of time.

Now, go, my love.
Everyone  
Loves
Someone else.
Over and under; I'm  
Never more than just a vacation.

It starts at the bottom
Of my belly,
Right above your
Favorite spot,
Then it pings
And pongs
From elbows to knees,
From toes to shins,
From heart to biceps,
And from head to fingers,
Taking it's final bow
On the parts of my back
You sculpted-
This is how I miss you,
In every bend, crack, snap, and creek
In every bone, vein, muscle, and tendon.

He says to  
Come on over,
Pleads
For movies
And my spine
Against his stomach
But,
I'm sober tonight
And the thought
Of allowing my body
To fold into his
Without his
Going into mine,
Shakes me into
A reality too  
Cold and harsh  
To bare;
I'm not available
For sobered up love.

As I sit here in the sun
On a backyard's step  
Cigarette in left hand
Blowing clouds from my  
Rusty lungs  

The end comes
And it doesn't justify a thing
The end is just
Pure  m a d n e s s

To wake up one day
Whether the sun shows  
Its face  
Or the sky's all gray
And not feel
The love
The loss
The hopeless weight of  
Wanting what can't be touched
Is a true sadness
The weak wrap themselves in

The end is madness
Because the beginning  
Still exists

I thought there was an earthquake
Shaking the acid in my stomach  
The matter in my brain
All the blood in my body

And it made me grow anxious

My boulders rattling  
Like the homeless in
This city

Those who have the power
Of will and want
Of love and loss

They skip down their roads
Happy in their lives

And I
I sit at home  
Thinking of what fools they are

I thought
With all  
The things  
I kept
Forcing into
My body-
Men and drink,
Smoke and pills,
Powder and laughter,
That there
Would remain
No space
For you
To infiltrate  
All my
Muscles and molecules,
Crevices and atoms,
Or the
Mind and heart
But, just
Like these
Reaching words,
Your touch
Never ends;
By twos  
Or by threes
I'll shed
Salty tears
And swim
Harsh seas
Until my
Shoddy body
Heals and
My weakened  
Muscles build.

The dogs have stopped barking,
Safely asleep behind their fences.
They don't see me
And I don't see them,
Blinded by the night
And muffled by the passing cars.
The slow breeze blows my smoke to the east
As I'm stuck here,
Dead center in meticulous thought.
Soon, I'll give in and
Lay my body next to his-
We'll be miles away
Some days but,
As he rolls to the middle
And sinks the bed,
I'm sunk down, too
And it's never a bad thing.

Loving me will not be easy.
There will be days too long
To handle my wavering heart
And nights too short
To hold my rarely steady hands.
I won't believe your compliments
And ask to stay in bed
Because the world I live in
Is too dark for
The light of your universe
To get in.

Loving me will be a battle.
There will be wars I wage
And battles I lose,
Ghosts you can never
Chase away
But, will feel every time
You touch my leg,
Arm,
Or lower back.
You'll have to wake up
When I do at 3 in the morning
After they've filled me to the tip
With memories and nights
I don't tell you about.

Loving me will not be easy.
There will always be lead feet
In my shoes
That won't understand why
Yours won't help them
Pick up the pace,
Steel feet that won't understand
Why yours keep getting so far away,
Concrete feet that won't understand
Where they went wrong
If they were never moving
In the first place.

Loving me will be exhausting.
I will watch your eyes
Pack up our laughs
In dark blue bags,
Watch your arms
Throw them over your shoulders,
And watch them sink
Under the burden of demons
You aren't sure are real.
I will watch you carry
Those bags out the door
And dump them down
By our curb.
I'll watch you yawn
As you watch me finally
Wake up for the fight.
Too little, too late
I know;
I know loving me will not be easy
But I know
Loving you trying to love me
Will be.