Maybe beyond today
There is something waiting
There is a clock ticking
Waiting.
Its waiting for you to do something
Waiting for you to kick a gear on this clock
Waiting for you to go to tomorrow
Okay so don't give up
The clock is waiting
Do something
Stop taking advantage of the clock
Soon it will break down

I love the things that I know are wrong.
I love tearing myself apart
A peice of pretty scrapbook paper being torn into shreds.
I stopped puking cutting bruising
I started searching for ways to destroy myself from the inside out
Socially acceptable ways
By the time people notice
It will be too late

it sweeps across you with a loathsome eloquence,
Weaseling it's way into you,
Grasping for your hopes and dreams.
Soon you find yourself upside down
Choking on what you once were.
The feeling is inevitable.
You're desperately seeking for your effervescent personality.
Its been drained from you, seeping out into a puddle at your toes.
You're left standing there as an outline.
There is nothing inside of you anymore, just empty space.
No matter how hard you try to fill yourself in, you will never be how you were before.
Don't bother trying to retrace the lines

I tried
I tried to hold it in
I tried not to interrupt
I wish I was nothing
Why can't I be a shadow
Getting lost behind movement
Fading into the background
I tried to hide the monster inside of me
It just promised to come out
The shadows ripped it out with their teeth
My teacher thought I was being dramatic maybe she would get it if she was locked in my mind for a day.
It has ups and downs
Why is anything there
I wish that I could disappear into nothing
No future
No past
It sounds sad
But relaxing
I know this is a jumbled mess
This is post anxiety attack
Sorry I'm trying to calm down
To talk reasonably with myself
I can't
All it comes back to is how I break everything.
Well I guess this poem doesn't have an end.
It wasn't really a poem anyways.

She never really thought she would do it.
She never really thought she would be sitting here with a bottle of antifreeze in one hand and sleeping pills in the other.
Shaking
Debating
Panicking
She got to this point
Destroying herself
Suffering in silence
Hiding her mind
Hiding the cuts on her arms
She feels so selfish but she can't care
She has always destroyed herself
But now shes destroying others too
She hates herself
Anxiety
Note
Death
Tells people
Don't worry worry don't don't worry okay don't I'm fine fine fine okay I'm good
If this doesn't work
Life
Disappoint
Hell
****
But if it does
Done
Disappear
Alone
Empty
She doesn't know what is going to happen
She has now been sitting here for 2 hours
On this mountain
All alone
Phone off
Her mind is killing her
Chug
Gulp
Water
It's done
Now she just has to wait 3 hours
Anxiety attack attack anxiety who will find me it's going to hurt
Acute kidney failure
How she's dying.
She is crying
Crying
Vibrating
Questioning
Turns on phone
Phone on
Call someone
Someone anyone anyone
She wants to die
But her family will hate her
Her family will be heartbroken
10 texts
4 missed calls
Wait crying bawling
Her asking
Why can't I just disappear?
Why can't I slip away with no one knowing?
Why do I exist?
Why do I hurt everyone?
I wasn't thinking think
I was freaking freak
Call
Someone
Now
No
No
No
No.
She whispers to herself
"I just can't do it anymore"
Wipes away a tear
Reclines her seat in her car
And falls
Asleep.

Sitting at the edge of a cliff
feet dangling in the empty air
seconds away from falling
from jumping
from slipping
aren't we all just seconds away from disappearing
all it takes is one second
one gunshot
one car
one slip
and we could be gone
life is so delicate
all the people fighting screaming yelling
over nothing
because one day none of this will matter
the only thing that matters is that we lived and loved
and right now I feel like I should jump
but I won't
I can't
because
I have a mother and a father who love me very much and I simply can't break their hearts
so the days when I feel like giving up
when I feel like breaking
when I feel like puking and cutting and drowning
I need to remember that one day it will all be worth it
there is going to be a tomorrow
I sometimes forget that there is a tomorrow
find the last sliver of happiness in your soul
walk away from the edge
sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing
I am learning that life is not about dying
we aren't born to die, we are born to try.
don't jump.

‪okay today someone asked me why I’m not trying harder
and it got me thinking haha‬
‪okay so picture this:‬

‪we all have our mountains in life, things that are hard.. right?
okay so, I’m trying to climb my rocky steep mountain of struggles.
‪so let’s say that I'm about ¼ of the way up when I trip on a rock and fall a little bit
but haha it's fine! just a scraped knee.
I get back up and keep going‬.
it was just a little inconvenience haha some bad luck.

so I keep climbing and this time ‪I make it a little bit higher than I did before
but then I fall again, further‬.. and I am pretty scraped up.
I'm alright though, so I will try again.

okay so, let’s say that this repeats itself a few times

but each time I fall lower and harder..
and I'm getting more discouraged and more hurt every time.

by now I feel like giving up, because hiking this mountain feels impossible,
but somehow (even though I have bruises/scrapes and a sprained ankle) I still have a little hope that I’m going to/can make it to the top.

SO with my last sliver of motivation, I climb determined to make it!
I don’t stop climbing and I am so careful, I’m proud of myself.
I have never made it this far up on the mountain,
and I feel so good about life!
I’m about ¾ the way up,
so I stop to admire the view.. and wow life is beautiful.

but right at that moment,
someone comes up behind me and shoves me down the mountain,
this time I fall harder/further than I had even started the first time and this time I wasn’t expecting it at all, it caught me completely off guard. I had been so careful.

so I sit at the bottom of this mountain and look up, ha **** it’s really tall.
I know the view is beautiful from the top.. ‪haha but I don’t want to try again.‬

now I have a sprained ankle, I'm dehydrated and I'm tired.
so even though I know I CAN climb it again,
I also know that ‪the fall will be harder and I will end up more hurt.
for example: If I fall again I might break my leg
then I know I won’t make it up for sure..
so yeah,
I just don't want to climb this **** mountain anymore.
I'm exhausted.‬ I'm really done. and It seems incredibly pointless.

‪SO HERE I am and now imma just chill down here for awhile and eat my granola bars that I packed in my backpack.‬ haha

I am trying to turn over a new leaf
I am going to smile more on the inside
I am going to try and think positive
I am going to make goals
I am going to reach them
I will become a better person
I want to help others
I want to help myself
I have hope that I can do it
I don't have to be perfect but
I have to keep trying.
Just like the Marathon runner doesn't give up when he is tired
I am going to be strong
Be better
I know I will have falls
But if I just stand up and keep sprinting
I know I can make it
We all can.

Did you honestly think that filling me with pills and therapy would change my will to live?
you couldn't have really thought that.
You thought I was willing
to get better
to try harder
I am trying every ****** day'
I can't anymore
Right now all I can do is exist and I'm sorry if that is not enough for you.
snapping an elastic on my wrist
laying in my bed
my thoughts strangling me
I don't know why the hell I am like this
I have no right to feel like this
I have a family who loves each other
I am at college on scholarship
I should be happy
but I want to die
no matter what I do it will never be enough
My car is idling
on the side of this cliff
I am ready to fall
please just let me fall

It hurts to pretend all the time
It hurts to fake life
It hurts to find what's hidden under your skin
It hurts to look in the mirror
It hurts to stand on the wrong number
It hurts hating yourself.
It hurts when you don't live for yourself anymore
I don't know why I am alive
I ruin everything
I ruin people
I break things
I don't know what I'm saying
I don't know why I am typing
I don't know anything anymore
Including myself

breathe in breathe out
pulling over to the side of the road
trying to breathe
trying to see through this fountain
of tears on my face
usually i can pull myself together
enough to drive,
but not today.
breathe in breathe out
finally i get distracted focusing out at the window at the leaves dripping from the tree making crunchy colorful puddles.
i peel my hand off the steering wheel
because i was gripping it so hard
breathe in breathe out
resting my head against the cool glass, honestly i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing
my hands are shaking
have you ever felt this way..
it sounds almost as if i am describing a close call to a wreck, or bad news on a phone call.
but no
this is the result of living.
i have to distract myself when it gets this bad.
people wonder why i love nature so much.
but it’s because it’s the only real thing in this world of fake ideals.

Family Christmas party
Food laugh love
I feel this until I don't
I'm hiding in the bathroom
Head is pounding
Eyes lost
I just need to get out of here
But I can't
Why come to a party when you just say hi and leave?
It's the medicine talking
I don't even know
I just feel like death would be best
But I know it won't be
And that's what hurts the most.
I'm stuck between living and dying and it makes the simplest things seem so complex.

In the pitch black night I lay awake
Staring at this stupid
Screen typing
Another
Stupid
Poem
To
Be
Forgotten

i’m currently writing this on tear stained paper
right next to my journal entries from a year ago.
first off i just want to say,
promises don’t last.

there’s something about being so close to the edge but knowing you’re not going to fall.

looking at my feet dangling off the end of a cliff..
i love it.

it’s so on edge
but also so secure
because unless an accident happened..
you’re not going to randomly just fall over.
you’ve sat your whole life since you were a baby.
you’re not going to randomly tip over

for example when you sit in a chair..
you trust yourself enough to eat at a table with confidence that you’re not going to just fall off of your chair..

yet we are so frightened by the idea of an edge
of pain
of the end
the end of what..us? you..? me..?
there is no end according to my town growing up, you live forever.
because of God..? right..?
we go on into heaven.
so even when we push the edge.. they shouldn’t fear right??
because they live on.??
lol where is God when you die?
idk

and i don’t think i want to know
because even though we truly have nothing to fear except the unknown

none of us trust ourselves enough
or dare ourselves to push the edge
to get that slight rush followed by the relief of:
“hmm that’s not so bad”

it’s so peaceful.

idk sometimes i feel like i’m just idling on the edge of a cliff and i just want to ******* gas it

he promised me in thirty years we’d be sitting on this rock and thinking about how amazing life is
ha and guess what?

he lied
life is ******.

kinda wanna die right now

My Dad asked me a question today
"What do you think your calling in life is?"
"Death" was my first thought
I couldn't think of an appropriate answer
This has left me confused
Because death is not a calling
Death is a result that happens after you fulfill your calling
I don't understand my head
My head wants to die.
I don't think it's okay
But I don't have much of a choice
I need to find a new calling

It's hard for me to open up to people
Because I am not where I have been.
I put up a pretty strong wall and it takes a lot for someone to get past it.
I have changed alot.
I justified the things I did, because honestly I needed to.
I got so low, I tried to die. I tried to **** myself.
People don't understand that when you are that low you will try anything to get yourself out of that hell. Just for a minute.
So yes, I have gotten high and I have tried alcohol and I have vaped.
Am I proud of that?
No.
But in the moment those things distracted me from my head and that is why I did them.
Because if I could distract myself long enough I could make it through another day.
I was living in hell.
I still have hellish days.
If you do any of those things, you aren't a bad person.
If they are helping you make it through today then that is okay.
Find something to hold onto.
Anything
And eventually you will start improving and your life will change.
Don't be to ******* yourself, we are all trying.
Keep going.

I'm so excited for the outcome.
But getting there is going to be torture.

I feel like I keep waking up in a nightmare of my mind.
I'm so trapped.
I can't escape the fact that I have to
wake up again.
               And again.
                     And again.
When will I learn that I'm the nightmare.
I'm never going to wake up from this one cause I created it.
The only way to wake up is to destroy it,
Destroy myself.
I need to wake up.

Drowning.
I am drowning
I am drowning in my thoughts
I am drowning in my body
I am drowning in school
I am drowning in stress
I am drowning in darkness
I want to drown
but not in these ways.
I want to drown in water.
I want to inhale the liquid
And exhale nothing.
I want to drown.

You don't feel the tight skin.
You don't hear the buttons pop.
You don't feel the seams rip.
You don't see my mirror.
You tell me I look healthy.
You tell me I have cute curves.
You tell me I need to eat.
But you don't understand.
When you are asking me to eat,
You are asking me to give up.

tonight the shadows smothered me
a sheet of black
I cant quite see the light through all the shadows
I try to get them off
but its too hard and tonight I am giving up
tonight I'm tired
tonight I just want to be done to be alone
I want someone to shine some light
except I don't
cause I find peace in shadows
which I know is twisted
but it is the truth.
I want to die.

Mirrors
Shattering myself into pieces
Sharp edges pointing out all the flaws
I stare at the glassy eyes
I don't know if they are mine
The reflections rip me open
making all of the imperfections
seep through the paper skin
Outlining me in red
Tracing what to fix
Tears bleed through my surface
Stinging my insides
I want this to end
The mirror is killing me.
What's in the mirror is killing me
So I guess I'm killing myself.

{SM}

I have tried and tried and tried.
And I seriously can’t anymore.
I’m not going to try to fix it.
I stepped it up every f*cking day.
I’m so exhausted
He’s not the same guy and it’s killing me.
I want to leave so bad
But I don’t
I just want him to care again
I just want to hear that he honestly wants me in his life
but he can’t do that
Because he doesn’t want me
I am always part of his problems
And I’m so done
It’s going to take him losing me to figure out that I’m not part of the problem.
I’m done
I’m tired
I want to go home
I used to think home was with him but I don’t know anymore.

What are we doing here
Piled high with things we are supposed to do.
Places to go dishes to wash floors to vacuum lawns to mow boys to kiss girls to *****
Why the hell does any of this matter
We are driving in the dark with no headlights.
Why do we do any of the things we do
We follow society blindly
People ask me why I'm insane.
I'm asking them the same thing
I don't get it
We get put in mental hospitals because our insanity isn't "normal" enough
We aren't following "normal" enough
So we get high
We become suicidal
Try to **** ourselves
We cut our skin
Cause we are so confused
We are so broken according to everyone
We are so ******* up
So numb
As to why we have to live this ******* way
Who the hell decided that this is life
I hate myself
I hate my head for thinking this deep.
Try turning on your headlights
Maybe you will understand
We aren't even insane at all.
You are.

We used to swing under the big willow tree
We lived 3 doors down from each other
We were princesses who fought dragons
We could save the kingdom and find our prince by lunch time
Our moms laughed and talked about how cute we were
Four years old was a cute age

Fast forward a bit
We went into elementary school innocent and young
Boys had cooties
Girls had cooties
Kickball always ended with someone getting hit in the face
We would always sit out field and pick grass and shape it into a little birds nest
Life was good
Until your parents started fighting and I mean really fighting.
It scared me and I would have to go home
I would make you come with me
three doors down
Our moms didn’t laugh anymore
By Christmas break your parents were broken up and divorced
Eight years old was a confusing age

Junior high was mean.
Girls would rip you to shreds and then hang pieces of you on everyone’s lockers
Boys just wanted to make out
A whirlwind of uncontrolled hormones
We were the quiet ones
Always flew under the radar
Just trying to make it out alive
We found a little spot to eat lunch under the stairs where no one would go
We giggled and talked about boys who didn’t even know that we existed
I remember crying in the bathroom with you because people were brutal and we weren’t good enough
Our moms worried about us and how distant we were becoming
Thirteen years old was a sad age

Highschool is another story
You were put in the hospital for a month
I was left at school alone
I had to find more friends
I found most of them were fake
So I ate my lunch in a bathroom stall
Reading all the swear words that were carved in the wall
You were really sick and we grew apart
We were always close
We will always love each other
You tried to save me from myself
But I didn’t let you
Seventeen was an important age

Now we are at different colleges
I tried to **** myself while you were getting an A on your anatomy test
It’s sad
We don’t swing under the big willow tree or fight dragons anymore
Our moms hardly talk
You are a success
and I am a failure
We don’t really mesh
I miss you every day
I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you
We were princesses who lived three doors down, we saved the kingdom.
I love you
I’m sorry this has faded
Just like everything else
Nineteen years old is a dying age.

It has almost been a year
how can time go so fast
but yet so slow.

Sticks
Bones
Lines
Length
You.
want.
this.
Is it worth
Starving
Injuries
Sickness
Cuts
Abuse
y e s.

YOU destroyed me
you shoved a knife in my back and didn't care when I screamed
I put needles of color in my arms
I chopped my hair
Dyed it black
Because you made me feel like ****
You made me feel like death
I need someone to pull out this knife
I have to sleep on my side now
The sharp edge scrapes my spine
It's infecting my head
You left
But your scar tissue will live on
I am glad you're gone.