my blood is my paint...
my skin is my canvas...
my razor is my brush...

I burn my hand on the fire
because I can’t tell what is real
anymore.

The only color that can be seen
is the flicker of the flame
glinting through the fog.

Every way I turn is filled
with the emptiness left by the
smeared faces of former friends.

Reality of gray and lines
never filled in by the people
that were supposed to occupy the space.

I wave my hand across my face
checking the vision
that I see.

Never did it dissipate
cannot escape this weight
nevermore.

I put on my black lace dress
because I am going out tonight
to enjoy the nightlife.

Lingering on the stairs
I ponder the night's
future possibilities.

My stomach starts churning
never experienced this feeling,
whether it be anticipation or reluctance.

The stairs seem so steep
as I climb the tallest
industrial mountain.

Bare feet are clammy
against the chilled tiles
of the terrain.

The breeze catches in
my lungs and I choke
on the sudden inhalation.

Stars are so much more
brighter from this height,
many different colors.

On the edge,
I'm ready to spread
my wings and soar.

My feet leave the sturdy surface
for the sanctity
of the skies.

Spreading my wings
needing the air
to cradle me.

Realization hits me
like the concrete,
these plucked wings can't help me.

a sound, a simple movement of the hands
to make sure that every morsel lands.
trash can opens yet again
over and over.

everything useless goes
to a place no one knows.
leftovers leave our palms,
heading away with the rest.

left to get cold and rot
to which we think not.
the satisfaction in the thought
that it is gone and in other hands.

toys that no longer speak
left to die in the wreak.
no longer wanted by those
who once called them family.

leftovers and toys thrown away
are left to find their own way.

those who discard
are have this to regard.
they too become the trash,
forgotten in the waste,
the filth created by others.

we all lay to rot
this we know a lot.
on our own
by those that said
they loved us.

desolate confusion rains down upon me;
making even the strongest feel wee.

the trees start whispering;
the dogs start whimpering.

solace of silence no longer comforts;
as the mind contorts.

wee little thieves;
can no longer hide their disease.

used to stand as one;
now all they do is run.

fallen apart have they;
no one can pray.

where did HE go?

left to their own devices;
each one is indecisive.

now standing alone;
no one can match their tone.

I was programmed wrong;
my circuits are fried.

I can't process the world's lies...

No longer do I see color;
all I see is grey.

My world is no longer array...

The lines have blurred;
and I can't find my way.

It is hard to get through the day...

A lost echo;
reverberates through the air.

No one is aware...

They say they care;
but they are never there.

Lost causes never get their share...

every year I watch my love wither;
every year I never go hither.

each contact, each touch;
it burns.

each day is more pain;
each day I wait in vain.

I wait for peace...
I wait for kindness...

the air constricts my breathing;
I feel myself slowly leaving.

the walls are closing in...
is this finally the end?

i lost myself along the way;
so much so it puts me to shame;
because of you i'm off my game;
because of you i'm feeling lame.
a shell of someone i used to be;
but no one seems to see;
this side of me that's wee.

i lost myself along the way...
more often do i cry;
because of you i'm wry;
because of you i'm awry.
a shell of someone i used to be;
but no one seems to see...
but no one seems to see...

I wasn’t strong enough to go on
I guess you could say he finally won.
Everything reminds me of him
no matter what I do to forget.

Sometimes I see him, in the little smile
given to me by guys I meet every mile.
He lies in the dreams I have
leaving me startled and cold upon wake.

Sometimes I feel him, in every hug
that makes me want to run.
My skin is left with pin ******
as a present from these *****.

Thank god I can’t remember his smell
or else it would put me through hell.
One thing I’m glad for is when the senses
begin to dull after years out of the hole.

Blaming myself, easy to do in this case
easy to blame such a waste of space.
My thoughts are skewed
by the foggy memories of the past.

“He has done no wrong” so they say
“if it was bad, why did you stay?”
Why? I still ask myself to this day
it felt wrong but I thought it was just me.

Sacrifice everything for your lover
as it was taught from one to another.
Yet don’t know what to do
when the one you love won’t care for you.

all the pills I took
make my thoughts blur,
mind is fuzzy.

i can barely stand,
the world is like
a rocking ship.

swaying back and forth
as the sea tosses me
between the waves.

is my head still between my shoulders?
patting where it should be
all I feel is air.

where has my mind gone?
to the clouds
far from ground.

i lost it
i don’t know
where I could be.

mirrors are windows to the soul
or
just windows for all to see.

it’s for the man with the binoculars
to see a peek of my pink fleshy skin
that never sees the light.

women to see
the face behind the paint,
laughing at the rare glimpse.

everyone to tell me what to wear,
they see a **** to have their way
or a ***** to shame into femininity.

mirrors are windows to the soul.

to all the dimples on my body
with the urge to remove it myself
the need for it to be free.

curly, frizzy hair
burned to a crisp with an iron
creating a new identity.

perfectly shaven legs
to invite the touch and sight
of everyone near me.

plastered face of makeup
caked with it to cover
all the imperfections.

mirror, mirror shows
the part of me
I don’t want to see.

a troll curled up in a corner
under the dark rainy cloud
as the woman with the painted face
goes out to see the light of day.

my heart cries when I break.
hands shake;
bones ache;
blood curdles at the sight;
this before I bite.
emotions like a roaring ocean;
come to sway me with this motion.
my heart cries in your wake;
someone save me from this sake.

the rain pounds against my ramshackle house;
my puppy quivers like a mouse;
the sound of thunder sounds like my cackling mother.

the heavens cry with all their might;
my poor soul quakes and turns to blight;
the storm is here to save me from this fright.

the god i used to know throws down his wrath;
my wretched heart and mind accepts this predetermined path;
the rain is here to wash away this dark conundrum.

the sweet ****** experiences torment;
in the unforgiving torrent.

no longer sweet;
dares not meet.
can not weep;
can not sleep.

these can not be forgiven;
for nothing can be given.

the bitter ****** sees no more;
bitter to the very core;
heart and mind at war;
never was a bore.

this ****** walks;
never has time to gawk;
slowly drawing near the ledge;
simply wishing of a better end.

tiptoe, tiptoe;
never felt so low;
wind and rain;
swirl, swirl, swirl...

let go...
and...
*fall
fall
fall

each fold i forget
my troubles.
each crease satisfies
my obsessive tendencies.

every perfect creation
pushes me to make more.
they pile on my desk
and float down.

graceful little birds
hit the ground.
little sailboats sink
to the bottom of the sea.

overflowing desk
spilling into a mess.
cannot stop beautiful perfection
as my hands move beyond comprehension.

All of the words I have ever said
have been said before.
The life I have led
has been done before.

Such an average life
that doesn’t deserve notice.
A paper doll cut out with a knife
aiming for precision but left with
jagged edges.

What started out as a little thing
in the womb.
A life to be born with wings
torn to shreds when first sunlight
touches the skin.

Typically cradled by a loving mother
left to fall to the ground
without a bother.
Welts and a scarred heart
on the little baby.

Once a paper doll thought to be cut evenly and equally
like the other paper dolls of its kind.
Instead of scissors, a knife given to unworthy figures
created a paper doll.
Modelling it in their own image
destined to carry on its lineage.

secrets ready to burst
from chest
pour out of mouth
caked in dust
after many years of being
locked up.

flowing out into the rhythm
of the great falls
as the words spill over the rim
to an overfilled cup
unending stream
of pent up feeling.

finally, no longer can it be held
from within the deepest origins
inside the soul
breaks free upon the broken wings
so that many can hear
the cry for miles.

throat cords will snap
from words upon words
falling on closed ears
screams upon screams
unnoticed by hidden figures
recognized by familiar faces.

scream when drowning
scream when help is needed.
most rather would tie the noose
to stop the secrets and screams
from spilling out of the gaping
hole in the face.

help that is needed will be given
tie the rocks to the feet of the screamer
watch you drown in the ocean
tie the noose to the neck
watch you swing from the tree
help is what was needed.

sometimes i cry in the middle of the night.
sometimes i cry because of my fright.
feelings are kept under lock and key;
sometimes they feel the need to be free.
so sometimes at night it is their way;
to show me the darkness for which they play.
sometimes the fear will consume;
and the next day it will resume.
sometimes i wish it would stop;
but it never stops spinning like a top.
sometimes i cry in the middle of the night...

I want to be heard;
   ...but I can't speak
   ...my tongue is tie
   ...all I do is lie
   ...my heart aches
   ...my tears leak
   ...mind is a whirl
   ...never-ending twirl

your words ooze empty promises and maybe next times;
I learned to tune it out to keep me sane.
my heart grows weary with every hope I keep;
heart strings become out of tune to the beat of yours.

I can feel myself sinking in the quicksand that is your words;
sometimes I let myself drown in them.
I think that this time will be different that you have changed;
no one changes unless they see what needs to be.

Catching myself lying to you that I am fine;
secretly I am not.
I’ll just keep drowning in the sorrow;
your empty words can weigh me down to the bottom of the sea.

for a moment i wanted you to hear;
the story of the unknown dear.

the child who can not sleep;
the one who can not make a peep.

the voice of the tragic soul;
is kept under lock and key.

help me, help me!
keep away, keep away!

the child silently screams...

they scoff at the torment;
take advantage of this moment.

for the fear...the fear...
keeps them near.

he saved me twice;
but not without a price...

I can feel it now…

the back of my scalp
starts to crawl
as it hovers over me.

tingling sensation trickles
from my toes to
my hips.

so cold
so cold
so cold

the air drops
to below
freezing.

I can see my breath…

vision starts to fade
all the eye can see
but a faint purple.

purple turns solid
like a shroud
over my face.

all I see is
nothing but
black.

so dizzy
so dizzy
so dizzy

brain feels fuzzy
eating itself
away.

where am I…

body falls,
soul leaves
the chrysalis.

skin crawls from your touch;
flinches and peels.
scrub the memory off.
mind and body reels;
it is much too much.
memory won't leave;
my life it will weave.

the face in the mirror is not my face;
unknown eyes from an unknown person;
this ambiguity has me cursin'.

the face in the mirror is not my face;
unknown lips that haven't truly spoke;
this uncertainty has me broke.

this face in the mirror is not my face;
unknown nose that knows a sensory;
but can't connect me to his memory.

The enemy is near;
and is always here.
Faces are all the same;
and is never any tame.
Vicious and Virtuous they play;
and ending the day away.

death took him;
as swift as the bird catches its prey.
no one had time to pray.
it gave no hint;
as it fell on him swift;
and took his soul away.

heart as pure as light;
mind as dark as night...

his hair was like sunshine;
his soul hummed like a hummingbird.

he emitted a radiance;
that would make anyone cheery.

his smile was beaming;
and bring everyone to his side.

but every flower wilts when neglected;
and he was no different from a flower.

his heart shattered by every encounter;
by every person.

on his face is that wide smile;
but deep inside there is no room for that warmth.

yet his soul does hum like the hummingbird;
there is also the underlying hum of a bee and its stinger.

every night he fights off the monsters;
hiding beneath his skin.

and every night he gets closer and closer to losing;
every battle he is in.

no one is there to cradle him;
no one is there to wake him.

he wants to sleep;
but he is scared to sleep.

he wants to be saved;
but no one will hear his screams.

all they see is his smile;
but never look under the surface.

now he writhes on the floor;
reaching for what is left of his sanity.

but nothing was there...

he sees no way out;
but one.

sleep, oh sleep;
is all the hope he has left.

the final sleep;
that could give him peace.

little food to feed me well;
still they say this is no hell...
they don't understand my version;
all they see is my frivolity...
nobody will hear;
all they will do is leer...
no one is here;
to extend a hand....
there is no one that will see;
that there is no one for me...
so I will have to be the one;
to help my own self...
do not look sad;
because I know you are truly a cad...
please do not extend your hand;
I'm not ready to trust...
please leave me to wallow in my misery;
I'm just a part of your history...
so leave like everyone else;
*so tired...
so tired...

the days come and go;
I'm becoming slow.

my bones are decaying;
from my delaying.

every part aches;
while some breaks.

emotions are scattered;
as I lay broke and battered.

do not fret as i go into battle;
for i am used to the scars of war.
do not fret as i go into battle;
for it is not a bore.
do not fret as i go into battle;
for i am used to my foes.
do not fret as i go into battle;
for i am used to my woes.
do not fret as i go into battle;
for most of it is in my head.
do not fret as i go into battle;
for the enemy is also in my bed.

the things that are joined
to get closer to others
make no difference
in their eyes.

beauty lies in what nature shows
while they see the outward beauty
of those around them
and i cannot understand

i want to know more
after you peel back the skin
tear away the flesh
and find what is left.

spread your wings across the sea
feathers glistening in the spray
leaving trails of rainbow in your wake.

sunny skies and puffy clouds
in among the big blue sky
reflect from the mirror of the sea.

storm along the horizon
creeping from behind
consuming the rainbow it will take.

rolling in and hiding the sun
plucking the feathers from the wings
falling into the sea where no one can see.