Your hands on my back
Each time we cross the road.

Your lips on my cheeks
Whenever you send me.

Your fingers in my hair
That day I got sick.

"Give me a kiss"
You said.
A hand on my breast,
The other on my waist.

But Dad.

You are like a blank page.

One without any past,
Without any dust.

One I get to fill,
With everything I feel.

You are like a blank page.

I am afraid to touch
I am afraid to hold
I am afraid I won’t let go.

You are like a blank page.

I can stain with blots,
Chain you with locks.

I can stab you with pain,
Make you go insane.

You are like a blank page.

I will try my best to ease
I will try my best to kiss
I will try my best so this love won’t cease.

You are my blank page.

I really want to know
if you feel the same.
If you miss me
like how insanely I do.

But I don't want to know
because there might be
nothing to know,
nothing you feel.

I hugged you
for the last time in my dreams
I savour it for the last
two ever lasting seconds.

It was time to let go,
to no longer explicitly love you
but to disguise you,
discreetly as a weak spot.

A weak spot which I gladly
accept and embrace
loathe and love
consume and crave.

It dawned upon me we had never
celebrated Christmas together because
You would indefinitely be
Out of town.

I remembered the vintage cards
you got me for Valentine's though,
those you couriered through a friend,
accompanied with your sweet note.

I still crave, you know.
The basil chicken rice, chicken wings and thai milk tea
at our favourite thai restaurant,
near the lodge.

Are the ponies still there?
I smile thinking back about how I
stopped you in your tracks and irritated you
with my indecisive texts about our adventure.

Man in black 1 2 3 wasn't as
interesting as your sleep talking, really.
"Hug more, more"
But I swear the air con wasn't helping.

Pasta, and the Jolly Shandy
wannabe champagne on your birthday.
Percy pig and working hard for pancakes,
Do these ring a bell?

1993 shirt
Zara perfume
A photo of you driving
That scar on your chin.

Thoughts come and go you know,
it really isn't up to me.
"You haven't met enough guys to conclude"
Your voice echoed.

I am clear, or so I hope to be.
I still know how you like your Subway, and
the Harry Potter name of your dog,
The dog you think of

As frequently as you thought of me.
Friendship. "I tried, and I wasn't comfortable."
I tried too,
Friendship; inevitable.

There are times you succumb to irrationality too?
"Just for tonight"
One night,
One kiss.

I felt it, you know?
I hope irrationality still runs in
your blood and it continues
to boil you to take action, someday.

Against my interests or not
It doesn't matter.
Pathetic self inflicted redemption that kills my
strength and feminism callings.

I thought I burnt my longing for you
along with those stars
and cards and correction tape and money
and your manly diary.

What burnt was passion and
incorrigible stubbornness instead.
Blind faith in fate
Naked trust in love.

This Christmas
I try to give myself a present.
I thought long and hard,

My present is my present.

I just want to
Date.

Doll up,
Smell nice,
Dress up,
Look cute,
Heads up,
Sound sweet.

I just want to
Date.

Meet up,
Smile wide,
Hook up,
Hug tight,
Break up,
Kiss hard.

I just want to
Date.

When I try to miss you
and forget you,

Try to call you
and delete you,

Try to love you
and hate you,

Try to please you
and punish you,

All at the same time.

It's not because
I no longer love you.

It's not because I think
We are not meant to be.

It's surely not because
I am bored of waiting.

But it's because
I replay those memories.

And involuntarily,
I saw the hurt in your eyes.

It's evident though I had missed it previously,
**It's too late to even try.

Commitment is heavy
both on the heart
and on the shoulders.

Most forget and they crumple
under the weight of expectations
and romantic moments.

Commitment is like carrying you
through the sea but not
unloading you when things get rough.

Sometimes people get confused
about which valuables to keep
and which to abandon.

Commitment is like flying a plane
I get to lead and
direct us to the beautiful islands.

But it's never about me flying
it's about you landing and
never crashing you.

The brightest moment today
was seeing an orange moon
and wishing upon it.

Only to realise I wished
to be happy, but not
to be with you.

I guess I finally realise
these wishes aren't the same,
as much as I hope
for them to be.

Sometimes I forget,
or I think I forget
about us.

It perhaps should be this way.
The better way, growing together
-apart.

But I still feel it sometimes
that non-existent inutile scar,
-aching.

Not for long though, these sour aches
need not nursing anymore,
But just our song.

I wait for 12mm
to be the first to wish you
Happy Birthday.

I let you hug me
as tightly as you want and
let you let go whenever.

I smile when you say
I look pretty and ignored
you repeating it to others.

I trust that you were looking
into my eyes and
not anywhere else.

I was touched when you
told them to get off me,
You're a gentleman.

I over think,
everything you do and say
because like you said,
I'm silly.

The roses
how they cut your teeth.

The note
how you bribed the florist.

The meat
how you earned the money.

The blood
how the meat split.

The gums
how they moved and lied.

The heart
how it surrendered when touched.

All red.

Tell her you don't mind onions,
that you love latte, movies
and not comics.

Tell her that you like cuddles from behind,
nibbles on your ears,
failed imitation of your dialect.

Tell her you find jealousy cute,
possession ridiculous though,
and alone time is for guitar.

Tell her you love your family so much,
so you would love her too,
tell her not to worry.

Tell her you would like the house clean,
her to cook,
wine to go would be good.

Tell her you aren't a chauvinist pig,
but you feel loved with
tender feminine touches here and there.

Tell her you like to be alone
when you are mad but
you won't leave her.

Tell her you have no favourite colour but
you love flush in the face
and sweet fragrance behind the neck.

Tell her you are loyal,
fiercely faithful, so stubborn
but in a good way.

Tell her about your good morals,
open-mindedness and how she can
bare her heart to you.

I will tell her, not to ever give up on you
like I did, because
I will jump at that opportunity.

I look up and I see you
Rising,
Glowing,
Smiling.

I walk on and I feel you
Shining,
Warming,
Caring.

I hide away and I watch you
Radiating,
Persisting,
Supporting.

I promise I won't
ever
take you for granted.

Feels like dementia,
some moments stay longer while
loss of memory persists on
a daily basis.

Feels like air,
the attempted grasp onto
something too invisible,
is it even any matter?

Feels like apple,
the first ever word in your book,
significantly taken for granted for
as if first means simple.

Feels like 3 seconds,
the time needed to lock you up,
for all pampering, xoxo,
when it is supposedly ever lasting.

You will wonder why it makes you
Vulnerable yet strong,
Weak but brave,
all at the same time.

You will ponder over the
Hope after a cringe,
Smile following that tear,
all in that same body.

You will question why you
Love despite the hurt,
Care even though there's pain,
Hold on although it's a burden.

It's all because,


Loving is innate.

Because it seems
Unbeatable,
Seemingly perfect.

Because I don't remember anymore
Flaws,
If they exist or not.

Because you are like a
Bubble,
Beautiful before burst.

Because reality is not a
Daydream,
Nights do fall.

Because we all need some
Fairytale,
Silly but real.

The idea of you
is a blurry smile,
a clear scent and
a warm hand.

An achievement unlocked,
a treasured past and
a ghost in my ears.

An unnerving screech,
a love forgone and
a forgiveness never sought.

The idea for you
is amazing,
I created it so.

An unending source of strength
a lesson to always remember,
a man to still pin for.

They have scales to protect them
When all I have is a thin layer of
skin which scratches easily.

They have fins to propel them forward
When I only have useless
limbs which weigh me down further.

They have gills to help them breathe
When I only have a pathetic
nose which is constantly blocked by tears.

I am jealous of you,
Fish.

Come around acting like you
have been always here
when all you did
was to float around aimlessly.

The foreign object sticking
in my veins, feeding on
the blood which I live on.

The redundant thought staying
in my brain, meddling with
the determination which I prayed for.

The familiar name screaming
in my head, reminding of
the past which I cry for.

To think that
Age comes with experience, because
Experience comes with time, and
Time comes with age.

To think that
Love comes from patience, because
Patience comes from strength, and
Strength comes from love.

But also,

Weakness comes with time,
Close-mindedness comes with experience and
Stereotypes comes with age.

Strength comes from within,
Patience comes from maturity and
Love comes from choices.

Time will surface weaknesses
But there is a strength from within.
Experiences may get you close-minded
But your patience will grant you maturity.
With age you form stereotypes
But you will still choose to love.

Like a favourite song,
I recognise the tune
But no longer those notes.

Like the neighbourhood bus,
I know the number
But no longer the route.

Familiar I am,
with the way your lips curl up
But no longer am the reason.

Foreign I am,
to everything you are,
To everything that you were.

I recognise the way your lips curl up
but no longer do I know
the reasons behind those curls.

I can imitate your laughter,
the way you sound like a boy but
no longer can I make you do it.

I am familiar
with everything about you but
everything isn't the same anymore.

You are
a foreign land
which I had used to trough.

Sink,
Sank,
Sunk,
Sunken.

I don't think my heart can go any lower.

At a point it starts with a
circle
of friends.

It sparks off to something parallel,
maybe even a love
triangle.

Consciously you would try
not to cross the
line.

Not wanting it to be back to
square
one.

A pull,
weighing me down.
A weight too hard to bear.

A force,
holding me upright.
A hold too tight to resist.

A strength,
feeding me too much.
A body too weak to sustain.

I drink, I cry, I scream.

I dwell in the past,
I beg for second chances,
I refuse to move on.

I desire to feel
sad
hurt
pain.

Because it feels that only when
I am hurting,
You would take a look at me.

But I know this won't work.
It's a pity that it's just pity,
I don't want pity.

I twirl my hair,
batter my eyelids,
flash my smile.

You won't even know I am




Pretending.

The grip which holds the collar
of my blouse,

The pull which grabs the lobe
of my ear,

The cringe which squeezes the muscle
of my heart.

There, the rebellious calling to dominate
Refuses to let go.

Fingertips lingered on screen
where last words stand.

Eyes lingered on shoulders
when turned to end.

Confessions lingered on lips
as courage got robbed.

Tears lingered on chin
while my heart lingers on you.

I'd brace a million nights
with insomnia breathing you.

I'd collide a million experiments
cruising errors to get your trial.

I'd tear a million other lips
for thirst to be quenched by yours.

I'd dissolve a million letters
in acid to crystallise love.

I'd conquer a million dolls
for them as exchange for one.

A million of millions of things
just for one in a million.

White is that winter -
The season we fell in love.

White is this diamond -
The promise we savoured in tears.

White is your lie -
That moment you said You love me more.

White is my meat without its skin -
That day I gave it all.

Hand over heart
I felt you beat.

I thought you died
when the skies came falling
as his words came crashing.

I thought you died
when scenes started replaying
as my mind starting missing.

I thought you died
when my eyes starting tearing
as my body was breaking.

Hand over heart
I felt you beat.

Thank you
(I thought you died)

My lips
speak of you no more.

My mind
remembers you no more.

My heart
misses you no more.

Not today,
But one day.

Sweep the dust off
Polish and buff the edges
Clean and wipe the surfaces.

I start afresh.

I deliberately existed
in your time and space.

I hope to see you, sense you.
I plan the conversations in my head,
Exactly which words to use.

I searched for you
But to no avail.

Just when I turn to give it all up,
Your face appeared
Right at the corner of my turn.

I see you, I sense you.
But the words I planned
Dissolved and gibberish took over
That blank space in my head.

It was a short encounter,
it didn't mean anything at all,
Except that we still have fate and may
Our fate intertwine again.

You said to get rid of my feelings.
I tried. But
how do I get rid of something
Invisible?

It's hiding from me, or rather
I am hiding it
from me, because it feels
Invincible.

I will
I will
I will
Try to get rid of it.

But for now,
I will just pretend.

I was standing on the edge
You pushed me
Hard into the sea.

I tried to grab onto you
I screamed and begged
I was drowning.

You turned to walk away,
You wanted to **** me
in every single way.

Just when I was about to sink
My eyes caught a blurred vision,
You threw in a life buoy.

I grabbed hold of it
As tightly as possible,
I am never letting go again.

I grew ***** last night.
I went down,
I poured my feelings,
I waited for a reply.

But I guess it was
Too aggressive
Too persistent
Too stubborn.

You weren't touched
nor impressed.
Calm, as usual.
Why wasn't I surprised?

You said I was
Living in the past,
You can't do anything about it,
You just hope I'm happier this way.

Pathetic,
you made me sound.
But I guess that was it.
Closure once and for all.

I don't regret my *****
because they sought for me truth,
just that truth was presented
in the hardest way ever invented.

I burned my feelings into ashes
with the dry ice in my heart,
from the chills you bestowed upon me.

Those ashes I saved and kept them
in a box, I sealed it and
named it "Past".

The bubble of hope died and
my feelings vanished into thin air-
or I wished.

I took Past and I painstakingly
dug at hole, so deep
at the bottom of my heart.

That's where the Past shall stay,
where you shall be,
where this love strives to persist.