once I was a child
but I was never innocent
because when my father told me he loved me
he did it with a leather belt
and a buckle that gleamed
each time it struck my already knowing body
pounding out years of masculine entitlement
I knew there were words he had heard his whole life
and in my blistered skin lied the understanding
women are less
best when subservient and quiet
so quiet I was
while I buried my head in freshly washed soft sheets
and tried to forget that this person
who hated me so well
also soothed me to sleep
told me I was beautiful
and that I could do anything
so quiet I was
he couldn't hear me scream
scream for the pain
scream for the mother who wasn't opening the door
to come rescue me
once I was a child
but I was never innocent

tight necked
tension held in hardened jaws
invisible hands clasp around throat
years of unspoken words

fingers slide swiftly
endless rhythmic finger pecks
bright screen burning
in dark bedroom corners

letters flow like a faucet
freedom found in syllables
assemble emotion in verse
paper giving a voice

my
skin
slowly
relaxes

in the dry yellow rolling hills of wine county
where crickets and cicada sing
sweat and memories guided new creation
a place for her spirit to rest
all gathered on homemade pews
strong stones and brilliant quartz the focal point
through cracked voices, stories erupted
they filled tin buckets with their grief
listened to the sound hit the bottom so softly
found a whisper of rhythm
linked arms and danced with sorrow
in a place of peaceful remembrance
those moments her nymph spirit was holding all there
she was the sky full of stars on that dark night
the electric energy in the air
with hands clasp tight
a united silence for the
celebration of her life
and a painful goodbye

Put on your music, dance alone.
No one is watching let it all go.
Free yourself.
mind, body, spirit one.

Lick the Bag
I breathe white powder like you breathe air
inhale its recklessness
heart attack speed racer

black pupils dilate
electric skin
follow lines to paradise

scattered conversation
shifting eyes
late night carnival ride

stranger passed out on the bathroom floor
rolled up bills scattered on the counter
laced with last nights bad decisions

empty square plastic bags
lick the corners
savor the taste of addiction

-somedays the voices in my head are shouting so loud I can't hear anything else.

Enough
-the cruelest of all words when spoken in silence to an empty room

Sometimes I am sick of being sick. I crawl into the covers and hope tomorrow is a better day. One where my mind won't be so cruel. Yelling insults only I can hear. I wake up only to find. The bully still living in my mind.

if night had a sound it would be a low chatter
the hum of electric cold air
that quietly blows
crisp linen sheets
that speak in the dark
freshly painted walls
that scream in white
television screens
that murmur stories
flickering light posts
that buzz in the night
iridescent cicadas
that hum in the trees
incandescent lovers
that talk in secret
fingers pecking keys
that drum out words
if night had a sound it would be a low chatter

***** sheets
twenty dollar hotel room
she has
fire red hair
stained yellow teeth
reeks of last nights gin
and when she
opens
her legs
I see God

everything
is perfect
we have
nothing to say

I spread my pain like dandelions
in one quick whisper of a breath
no longer will it take from me
I have decided to let go of my slow death
misty-eyed I watch them float
to the green grass below
let the seeds that festered
begin a second growth
as they flower I see
the beauty of letting go

Love-
        I never felt safe until I met your arms and chest.
        In that sacred place, I knew that I was finally home.
        Could lie my head in peace and weep for all the pain
        I've known.

I lit a match
and let it burn
slowly down to
the tip
searing my fingers
just like you
burned
all of your life
in your youth
then disappeared
leaving
me
blistered
©

dear mother
I am the strong
powerful woman I am
despite your weakness
you gave me the mold
I shattered it on the floor
walked out the door
and build an empire
of my own design

I stood between my father's fist
and my brother
dared to say the words
hit me instead
you know it's what you want
bulging red eyes
and a thousand-mile stare
17
and bravely standing up
to my lifelong bully
and at that moment
I reclaimed my value
he knew I was no longer scared

when I'm walking through molasses
hands tied in sailors knots
mind a scratched record spinning
hair a disheveled mess
filing bankruptcy on self-love

I pivot

strip myself bare
pirouette in the sun
crinkle my toes in the sand
breathe in the color orange
let baths of freezing waves
wash my heaviness away

sun peeks through satin angles
neon flickers
desert mountains rise

thick smoke in a hot room
scratch the craving
breakfast cigarette

my white t-shirt sticks with sleep sweat
slow as molasses
this benzo induced fog

pillowcase mirrored with last nights face
deep breaths
under still tightly black lace strapped breast

heels strewed on the bedroom floor
delicate wine glass
magenta stained sideboard

ears temporarily buzzing deaf
body aches of death
pictures loop an infinite movie reel

I smile with a Cheshire grin
and fall content into your chest

you sear me
a match burning slowly down to its tip
hands like thundershock on bare skin
caressing progressing movements
near grey eyes
goosebumps
shivering
slivering
sliding
grab me by my white cotton shirt
fistfuls of unspeakable passion
I fall deeply
serenity found
on your concrete chest

I have so many secrets
secrets I have been keeping for so long
I am keeping them from myself

I love your freshly shaven face
with pale eyes like a storm
soft and new
sprinkled with dewy youthful radiance

having two versions of you

sandpaper and rough-skinned
salt and pepper beard
explaining life's experience in various grey hues
fingers follow deep lined wrinkles
the path to your lips

she holds on to hope with tight fingers
forgetting its a glass jar
abruptly shattered
into a million fragments
when she squeezes
screaming out
when cut by the pieces

brilliant bruises like diamonds
shine on my skin
with a child's naiveness
I trust you again

with a temper that is quick
and eyes gone black
I'm lying facedown on the bed
as your beating my back

I'd cry out in pain
but your ears are deaf
so I suffer in silence
self-hate beaten into my flesh

the belt buzzing
I pretend I'm not there
as the welts are rising
I'm choking for air

then all is quiet
behind the locked door
you tell me you love me
and beat me some more

love is

our unkept bed on a Sunday morning
clothes thrown on the floor
candles burned down to no wicks

sleeping off last nights tangled limbs
on the grey leather couch
infinity in crystal blue eyes

palm to palm, fingers entwined our lifelines cross
counterbalancing personalities complete the circle
protective of what is within

so familiar our anatomical embrace
we breathe shared air
beats in autotune, universe intact

there is no record of my birth
it isn't happenstance
that I the woman that stands here now exists
I stood on the threshold of childhood
my head hung down in immaculate shame
contempt and anger holding my undeveloped hands
through pure grit and grime, I crawled through the dregs
out windows into pure light

She is quartz
a hard dark exterior
a vibrant multitude of fractalized particles
dancing in the light of springs rays

her voice an oral orchestra
a solo violinist
exposing emotion in an aria of sound

shoulders back, head held high
determined, through ***** streets she stalks
her looks are perilous

waves of bleached blonde hair
eyes that hide secrets she will not share
olive-skinned city enchantress

mystery in the words she writes
poetic dreamer by day
waitress by night

sheets rustle with movement
his strong arm reaches across the bed
the smell of wood and sage in the air
soft skin slides across the worn washed linen
taunt muscles relax into his body
near breathless whispers in my ear
confirmations of stars in the sky
constellations and the universe
nothing in creation compares
to you and me in our bed

by campfire light
she dances
spinning myriads of circles
an elegant black swan
spirals fall from her tilted head
moonlight reflected in her eyes
she is Gemini defined
twins colliding
granite and whisper-soft
fragile delicate narrow frame
taunt muscles over bone
outstretched hands in the atmosphere
earth
the soles of her feet
wind
the power of her voice
air
the grace in which she moves
fire
her skin ablaze
daughter of the elements
living freedom