Spinnin and spinnin
Head breaks off into a branch
The ends of my fingertips thin out
Like
I am dense in the middle: thin around the edges: i can feel myself melting away.
He told me
Ill meet you there, but someone will hurt you when the time is most wrong
boywasiright

my heart broke and spilled on the highway
completely
out

i dont have any interactions with ppl that are not customer service interactions
im lonely.     feels like my brain is just logged off.
with an axe i start to work throoo my leg
my brains just off
1 million dollar winner
oh my brains just
off
   wont go on
i hit a pothole, pop my tire and
lose control
911 how are you today im amazing cuz I love life
im laying in the woods and i can't fall in love
with a  hammer i work at my head
til its far gone

man handling your everything i guess
this is the moon song
i want you to listen to it while i
hear you breathing so loudly and frantic and breath in (only in)

listen.
my life has been way too good up until this point.
i want you to know something terrible is going to happen some time in the near future.
"may her guts rot in hell, i loved her so much"
its meaningless; its hollow.

i look ugly with lipstick on.
....
.....
..
.
youre the best ill ever have

keep anxiety pills in my backpack and
take them
in between classes
haha
haha
haha
its whatever

i sit inside ur
church and circle my tongue around ur *** rim
giddy up horsye
u say
wow ur kinkyyyyy
this is a made up *** scene
i directed in my head
i just wanna do what u want
i wanna do what u would enjoy
but im still a dom
ok?
im still a dom

i scratch my *** in school and disgust myself
im sexualized
i stand in church
listening to the priest
AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!
everybody repeats mindlessly
im thinking to myself,
everybody in here probably masturbates
i wonder if the priest watches ****
i bet
i bet they all watch childporn

I WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE THAT IS AWESOME FOR YOU

thank you! thank you!
my audience screams for more
i take a bow and raise my head again
"and for my final performance... i will be jumping into..."
wait
****
where did she go?
we lost her.
we lost her we lost her...

the show was eleven dollars.
a bit too pricey if you ask me.
i think everybody knew the ******* stage just wanted to get naked for the crowd,
she just wanted the applause.

i take out my phone and text my boyfriend.
"i just
i just want you to know that i cant commit to anything in this world, and there isnt a single thing out there that amazes me.
unfortunately this is just the kind of person i am."
he replies with
"i cant be around you anymore.
its confusing to me and its hurting me"
i reply
"okay"
and drive to the hospital, where they tell me,
"you really dont belong here
youre really fine"

i do that thing with my mouth
just so youll text me back

i want to be wrapped in something heavy
maybe loads of barbed wire
i dont care

i think about you more often than i’d like to
i also think about throwing up in various places more often than i should
okay

i’d like to puke into the sea at least once in my life
how much longer will i repeat this
i want to be opened up

open me
pull things out
doesnt matter what

oh, wow, im screaming on this rock at sunset
im screaming about how much im in love with life
which is confusing to me because i am also yelling about how i want someone to shoot me in the chest
is this what being alive feels like
i dont like it
last night i had a dream that my friend was dying
but in a slow and visible way

call me and play 50’s music into the phone
or dont whatever
the cold weather will **** me in time anyways

me being part of a poetry contest was a scam
lol
every time I touch my own face I think of cutting parts of it off with one of those electric pumpkin carvers
lol
i imagined dying from taking 20 diet pills
lol
I imagined I would call someone on the phone and announce to them that I’m dying
lol
I will never publish a book
lol
I might even die before I’m like, 17
lol
my dad never remembers how old I am but that’s ok I don’t know how old he is either
lol
probably like, 47 or something
lol
this isn’t as funny as i thought it would be
lol
when I was 6 I accidentally broke my uncles rake and I felt bad for years even though it wasn’t a great rake probably like 8 dollars
lol
i don’t think my parents are a great couple but whatever
lol
there’s a whole bunch of scratches on my thigh
lol
I feel I’m a poor excuse for a human
lol
I have all the spyro games but I only have beat 4 of them
lol
I tried throwing a paper in the recycling bin about 3 feet from my desk and I missed
lol

i want to remove a lot of my face or maybe the whole thing

i now avoid drinking water and i figured out why
i dont like going to the bathroom because then i have to see more of my body
i love ****** up self esteems
they spice up life, truly

wow. wow ****
the number of times i think about suicide daily is increasing but its not really worrying at all so its okay
i hate the word suicide because theres too much to say about it.
you cant just mention it and get away with it

my mother doesnt like my poems and thats sad to me because they are the only thing i care about that i do.
i love crying next to computers
i just had a strong urge to break a glass cup

one time i yelled something while in my house alone and then threw up on the floor and broke a cabinet
my mother asked “why is this cabinet broken?” one week later
i said “i have no idea. i didnt even notice”
she tried to tape it up before her parents came over for dinner
at the table she mentioned i write great poems
one month later she said she didnt like what i write
hey can i get a glass of water
please hmu with some water im literally dehydrated
**** your goth baseball playing son

when you’re just half kidding
and when you stop caring about your body,
just repeat the cycle.
just keep going and for a minute you’ll think you’re fine again.
you’re safe back at starting point
and from here on it will be different, forever
you’ll never think the same way again.
you’ll never be sitting at your computer
moving back and forth from the treadmill to the chair
moving in and out between “i’m okay” and “please **** me”
because that’s just how you cope and who cares if it’s only sometimes healthy

pull out the blanket from my chest
along with every song that’s been sewed in
and every color it’s made of
(even if it looks completely gray)

i’ve had so many imaginary days with you

9/8/14
with a toothbrush jammed down my throat,
i wonder what it feels like to touch your hand.
i wonder if you'd do that for me
just for these times, i promise

on the bus i placed my hand beside me
and waited exactly 3 minutes.
i wished something would happen.
after that, i realized.

my stomach, as if it were on fire,
i wonder why i did this.
which part of me did this,
and how do i ****** that part

i'm sorry it comes out in places i wish it didnt,
but it needs to go somewhere.
i know i have the sickness,
but we have to pretend that i don't

formless,
i find shape when the lights turn on again.
please don't do that.
please let me remain formless forever

i have not spoken to anybody this weekend
this laptop is breaking
today i have taken 4 diet pills and 3 melatonin pills
im focusing on falling asleep at 6pm

theres a scratch on my arm that i dont remember
i hate telling my mom that im not eating dinner
then she knows i ****** up too

today i have cried in 4 different locations
today i changed my desktop background to the color pink
somehow my cold is coming back

i’m waiting for something, i think
this is just in between time
there is a lot of in between time

we speak in contrasting colors
(colors like red and blue and sometimes pink)
i am focusing on becoming a light shade of blue

my stomach heavy with the color red,
i don’t think you hear me when i say i’m lonely
we're only suffocating in this closet
but i guess we're doing it together

i can always leave

why can't i become smaller than this
why can't i become so small that i can hide somewhere forever

i don't know where you are
but i'm hugging you in blanket form

i wish i could play with your hair

in dim lighting we’ll smell coffee and with blurry vision everything resembles the way things look through a kaleidoscope-
light shades of purple and blue
the dream is this
we don’t feel lonely like this
i’m hugging this blanket too tightly

oh wow, i luv u
normally i’d be eating pizza but i luv u
i luv u too much to eat food
but i dont luv u enough to not think about the food
(which makes me sad)
i luv u so much that i wish i looked like u
because i luv ur looks more than my looks
yesterday my mom bought a lazer pointer for my cat to play with
this morning i used tht lazer pointer
and the cat went wild n chased it up the stairs
the cat is me and the lazer is u
<3
nice

in 5 out of six classes i almost cried
i dont know why
i fell asleep next to this computer and banged my head on it 7 times during the night
sometimes i become self aware and become as small as possible
today i made a smoothie
and felt unhappy with my body
i want to leave the internet for a long time
and wear a hat at every moment of every day
i really hate food most of the time
im going to bake a cake
no actually thats a terrible ******* idea
okay
whatever
today on the 40 minute bus ride to school i was daydreaming about throwing up blood endlessly
i get a lot of comfort from standing near someone
i do not know how to explain it
there are so many people i appreciate and i dont know how to tell them

you make me feel weird, like,
really positive but also super anxious and kind of depressed.
its nice.
today that emotion made me wake up while hugging a blanket
and i thought,
"i’m hugging this blanket really tight.
it’s nice”
today that emotion made me upset i was not still hugging that blanket throughout the day.
except i never got that emotion out no matter how much water i drank or how much food i didn’t eat.
you tried pulling this away from me but really i asked for it

turns out I’m not as funny as I thought I was
also, turns out people who you talk to online are real people.
what
that’s weird
and nice
today I watched Scrubs for the first time
the main character is kind of cute
I do not like his friends ****** hair
today I watched the sunset in a field for the second night in a row
I decided I want to do this every single day
and I want people to come with me
but nobody wants to and I’m kind of sad about it
my friend is asleep and I’m not
if she were not here I would probably be crying about music
thx
when people ask what I write I have no idea what to tell them
because mostly people wouldn’t consider this poetry and I wouldn’t either
I just like writing small thoughts I think
I don’t know
I’m confused as ****
I’m nervous a lot of the time
I cannot keep eye contact with people because I am nervous at those times
that’s okay probably
she just made a noise that sounded happy while sleeping

I’m now listening to Goodbye Horses over and over
wow
I really love this song a lot
and it’s a song I’ll hear again when I’m, I don’t know, 23 or something
and I’ll hear it in someone’s house
while I’m laughing at something and then I’ll say
“I used to love this song”
and nobody will care except for me
and then I’ll cry in the bathroom with the song playing in the distance and the sound of people yelling over it
I imagine myself to be homeless at least once in my life
holy.dhit
****
there’s this ad on spotify about ******* hot dogs and I swear to god ig comes on between every song and I’m going to tfucking cut my legs off if I hear it again I promise you I will I do not care if the hot dog is kosher please stop advertising hot dogs it’s not something that needs advertising honeslty people buy hot dogs zzso often I’m tired
anyway
the song started again
um
I really want to have a neighbor that is not very old
and I will go to their house often and talk about food and point out the sound of their voice sounds nice and we can go outside and say things outside at night . ****

i thought you were cool until i fell in love with you
then i started to hate you (and loving you)

i dont know, your eyes bother me because i like them a lot
and when i watched a movie and saw a girl with the same eyes
i cried a lot (dont tell anybody i did that)

your voice sounds so nice when its yelling songs at 10pm under moonlight
and i wish that was a sound i could hear more often
but u dont care 4 me (whatevr)