We're broken
And I can't ignore it anymore.
There's so much between us that it seems
Like we're miles away
From ever being okay again.
And I've lied all this time when I said
I've forgotten. I've tried.
But the memories are like weeds
Growing too thick in my mind
They choke out the light
And they leave my soul blind.
Don't get me wrong
I'm still trying.
I'm not resigned to never finding my way
To forgiving you.
It's just been a long time
And after a while this pain became part
Of my identity.
Part of what makes me...me.
It's a shame
But just hearing your name
Makes me cringe.
I can't even begin to explain
How much rage I used to feel.
How much hate.
But bit by bit I'm rebuilding.
Healing a heart that's been rotten for years
That's one thing mirrors don't tell, right?
But despite my pleasant exterior
Things on the inside weren't nearly
As neat as they appeared.
My heart was a train wreck
With parts shattered and scattered
All over the place.
But somehow until now
None of that mattered
As long as my face was intact
As long as I could keep up the act.

So I guess you probably never knew
How much damage your actions could do
But don't worry,
I kept the rest of the world in the dark too.
You all slept in peace
While I was fighting nightmares
And trying desperately to keep
My eyes wide open all night.
It didn't seem quite fair
But I suppose that's just the way life goes
You're still carefree
And I don't dare sleep
For fear I won't hear
My door creak open

Dear J,
   I may be at a loss for words half the time, and the other half I might have too much to say, but I can almost always say this; I love you. I have felt fear and I have felt bravery and I have felt loss. I can look pictures of us and I can recall everything we did that day. I can listen to videos of you and I can tell what you felt. And I know that you didn't think I was paying attention, but I knew how you looked when you thought something was unfair. And I knew the look in your eyes when you saw the light just right in a sunset and you knew that nothing could ever be recreated quite like that. I felt the same way about you.
   Wherever you are, know that loving someone isn't a matter of feeling something or not feeling something. It's a matter of knowing what you're feeling and when you need to let go.
   I think that people know that letting go involves unfurling your fingers and watching something fall from a great height. It's the act of following that objects downward motion that gets to us. That once it meets the ground or whatever surface it is deemed to hit, it's gone. What was there is gone. And once you think about that you think of what could have been there. That one last touch, that one last feeling of bliss that comes with knowing that the moment you wake up the sun will be shining in rivulets through fingers that tangle in hair fresh off the pillow. It's sad to know that nothing like that will happen again.
   The sun won't shine the same way. Instead it may simply fall. It won't cascade, it won't flow over the edges of noses or smiling lips. It's the same way water may lose a stone from a riverbed and from there on after it doesn't run quite the same way. But another stone, another pebble will fall in place because replacement happens.
   I guess what I'm trying  to say, is that letting go is letting someone else take a spot. In order for something else to happen you have to let your joints move out of their grip and unfold from their hold on something that wasn't meant to be held by you anymore.
   Sometimes you have to let them land somewhere new.
I only hope that it's somewhere even more beautiful than before.
            Claire

Drowning in your eyes
Wild and blue like the ocean
Tossing about in their storm
Is the most poetic way
That I've ever died.

the house next door makes me
sad.
both man and wife rise early and
go to work.
they arrive home in early evening.
they have a young boy and a girl.
by 9 p.m. all the lights in the house
are out.
the next morning both man and
wife rise early again and go to
work.
they return in early evening.
By 9 p.m. all the lights are
out.

the house next door makes me
sad.
the people are nice people, I
like them.

but I feel them drowning.
and I can't save them.

they are surviving.
they are not
homeless.

but the price is
terrible.

sometimes during the day
I will look at the house
and the house will look at
me
and the house will
weep, yes, it does, I
feel it.

The world just wasn't made for dreamers...
who live in some lost place between
the present and reality
where words are currency
and thoughts buy bread.

stolen kisses last forever
in the porch light.

©Ben Ditmars 2014

my face smashed against the concrete
when you kicked me from your
life; i'm still picking jagged stones
from the spaces between my
teeth. because of this,

i don't smile
anymore.

(written by my Mother)

I've tried
but I can't stop
crying      for you

and I,
was real
But you
were not
because it was new to you

So one more time
I've been shown that I
Can't have much faith
in you

maybe
if you knew
how much I've wanted to