Have you ever  seen anything so
barren as a neighborhood? I swear
even  the nature there  is  sterile -
narrowed  down  to  a  few  well-
behaved   bushes,   shaved   into
submission, bereaved of freedom.

i  miss the rebellion
of the trees
pushing defiantly even through
concrete to see the sky not silent
and  fearful like these
things crowded and compliant with no
room to breathe freely
do they even seem
alive

I guess there's nothing left
But me
To give to you
And so I do
It isn't much
But Lord I trust
That you can take the mess I make
And recreate a masterpiece
That's like nothing
I've ever seen
Before
Your love for me
Is so much more
Than I could earn
And I have learned
That when I try to pay for it
I give my joy away instead.
Somewhere I read
That all the good
That I could do
Means less than filthy rags to you
Unless my Faith and righteousness
Spring from my love for Christ.
It's nice to know
That you have been
Beside me since the day back when
I first prayed
In my own backyard
Just look how far we've come
Since then.
You're still the same
But I have changed
Becoming more and more like you.

We're broken
And I can't ignore it anymore.
There's so much between us that it seems
Like we're miles away
From ever being okay again.
And I've lied all this time when I said
I've forgotten. I've tried.
But the memories are like weeds
Growing too thick in my mind
They choke out the light
And they leave my soul blind.
Don't get me wrong
I'm still trying.
I'm not resigned to never finding my way
To forgiving you.
It's just been a long time
And after a while this pain became part
Of my identity.
Part of what makes me...me.
It's a shame
But just hearing your name
Makes me cringe.
I can't even begin to explain
How much rage I used to feel.
How much hate.
But bit by bit I'm rebuilding.
Healing a heart that's been rotten for years
That's one thing mirrors don't tell, right?
But despite my pleasant exterior
Things on the inside weren't nearly
As neat as they appeared.
My heart was a train wreck
With parts shattered and scattered
All over the place.
But somehow until now
None of that mattered
As long as my face was intact
As long as I could keep up the act.

So I guess you probably never knew
How much damage your actions could do
But don't worry,
I kept the rest of the world in the dark too.
You all slept in peace
While I was fighting nightmares
And trying desperately to keep
My eyes wide open all night.
It didn't seem quite fair
But I suppose that's just the way life goes
You're still carefree
And I don't dare sleep
For fear I won't hear
My door creak open

I wouldn't call them scars. Our bodies are ancient calendars marked with times and places. Tonight, you are not real. You are the desperate ocean lapping at the shoreline trying to take back the secrets in the bottles cast off by lovers, and children, letters to the dead sometimes. They are not your secrets, but they came to you first. They are full of feelings you have once felt or will feel. The bottles glisten in the sand mockingly, beautifully, painfully, like window shopping for jewelry you'll never be able to afford. You never expect to want the glass back after it has been pulled out of you. But the stories inside are your stories now too. You cast them off in the same manner hoping somone better than the sea will find them. The story about your cancer, your mother, the love you feel right now, the love returned, the time you thought of the beauty of a flower, the flower you killed to show someone how beautiful it was, the realization of the importance of stillness. All those stories like broken bottles in your skin. Like jewels encrusted on a big brass door leading to a room you live in. But tonight, you are the ocean at high tide, finally getting your bottles back.

I never thought I'd say this
But I have some regrets
Cuz I was blind and heedless to
The needs I could have met;

So many hurting people
That I refused to see
Because I was so focused on
The things that bothered me

The empty hands that could have been
Filled up with my excess
But weren't because I failed to see
The ways that I could bless

The empty eyes mine never saw
The pain I pushed aside
The child who starved to death while I
Was more than satisfied

The smiles; the love that I withheld
When things didn't go my way
The chains I didn't break, and all
The life-filled words I didn't say

So many lives I could have changed
So many torn hearts mended
The tears I could have wiped away
The trials I could have ended

And yet I sat unmoved as if
Their pain was not my problem
And many suffered while I looked
For someone else to help them