It's 3am*
When will I be okay?
It'll get better they say
I've just gotten more comfortable with my stay

You tell me that you're my best friend
You've come to that conclusion on your own
Without asking me how I felt
About you presuming you know me so well
You don't know half of me
Believe me, I'll never tell

We talk about our past
Our future
Our present
You say "you turned out okay"
I'm glad I come off that way
But honestly my dear,
You don't know

You don't know about my storms
You don't know about my darkness
You don't know about my climb
You don't know about my descend

********* if you think you're my best friend

a child
So small and fragile
So innocent and strong
So delicate and alive
So wanting to belong

you*
So cold and unforgiving
So weak and towering
So uninhibited and fumbling
So dead and crumbling

You turned the child into you
You made **** sure of that
You turned the child against the world
You made its foundation crack

The child wanted to breathe
The child wanted to laugh
The child needed love
The child got none back

My friends have friends
Friends they turn to
Friends that turn to them
My friends have a best friend
Friends that hang out all night
Friends that laugh until their last breath
My friends have friends
So where does that leave me?

Lonely and empty
Envious and yearning
Jealousy churning

My friends have friends
My friends dont need me

I  know how much you never wanted me
You don't know that I know
Or maybe you do and that's why you're so distant
As much as I want to I could never fix it
It hurts to think that you favor them more
That they're yours and pure, through marriage even more
I was a surprise, a mistake; unexpected
21 years later, a relationship formed and weary
Straining and wearing thin
Maybe I'll never know what it's like to be close
Maybe I'll never see what a healthy relationship is
You'll always be a hero to me
I'll always be your greatest sin

You were supposed to protect me
Your little girl
Your little angel
Your only child

You might've loved me
At one time
I think you ended up resenting me
But that's fine

Subjected to your selfish tirades
Put through your gruesome facades
Held up on a pedestal
Only to be pushed down
Your once endearing smile
Now causes me to frown

Everytime the bottle went up
My heart sank down
I begged you
I pleaded you
You weren't there
Not even when I needed you

Sure, you were physically there
But mentally, you were so unaware
Or maybe you were
And just didn't care

You got in your car
Went out for smokes
You were hazy
And at this point, I went crazy
Who were you to risk a life?
Not your own
But maybe somebody's wife?
Somebody's husband?
Somebody's kid?

You don't even care about your own
And I don't think you ever did

M*  *is for the way you made me miss out on my childhood
O  is for how ostracized you made me feel in my own skin
T  is for the the times you thought I was an adult when I was still a child
H  is for the hours I stood up waiting for you to come home
E  is for the empty feeling you left in my heart
R  *is for the mutual resentment we carry

I swear to god I'm sorry
My heart breaks to the sound of yours
I'll remember you in 2 months
I'll miss you in 20 years
I know it sounds as if I'm martyring myself
I know it doesn't matter that I shed a tear

You're more broken than I
But my dear, you'll repair stronger than I
Be a better person than I
Theres always a downward spiral
Until you hit the ground and put yourself back on your feet

I'll always love you
As much as you don't understand
You were my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my world, my future husband, my future father to my children
I'm sorry things ended this way
Eight years not wasted, but held dear
I'm sure you'll find another
Who will always cherish you
See your worth
I hope the best for you
It's what you deserve

He might not love me
He might not care that I long for him
But to sit there and pretend it's only you on my mind
Dear, it's such a sin

I'll be in the past
Wondering what could've been
What would've become of us
If I hadn't fallen for him

At the bottom of my lungs that breath of old, stale air sits deep in my chest and weighs me down so
No matter how hard I exhale it will not leave my soul
I will fight and never let it take control. Darkness you are not my friend but What an enemy you've become
A worthy opponent with stamina and run
But please it's about time I've kicked you to the curb
Every street I walk down you're at every turn
And how I wish you'd die
And how I'd wish you'd live
And how I wish I'd killed you long ago With hopes you'd never give.

Why would I want to go to sleep not knowing if I'll wake up and feel happiness tomorrow?
To wake up and feel as I do right now would be disappointing and disorienting.
For what it's worth, I will wake up to see the light come and fade away again, bringing back the same darkness I've adapted to.
And I will stare at the light until it burns holes in my eyes
until i can see myself in the light because i need to be the light of my own life
I need to feel again
I need to step out of the darkness and embrace the warmth, for I will not fall victim to the darkness nor will I call it my home.
I am a nomad moving to and fro, but I will revisit the darkness
it lingers in my mind and for every breath I take I inhale a second time.

Nobody reaches out to me anymore
Nobody texts or calls
Nobody asking if I'm okay
The friends I once held close live their lives as if we'd never met
I have to learn to be okay
Okay with the fact that I'm lonely
Okay with the fact that I'm abandoned
Okay with the fact that I am their past
I should've known I'd never last

I'll hold on to the memories
And I'll think I miss you
But I'll just miss the time
At least as friends
I can say
"I used to be able to call you mine"

The world around me has become more alive
But not happy
They are awake
And they are angry
We are the fallen
But not defeated
No matter how many battle wounds we endure
We will not hemmorage
For we are the sensitive but not weak
Observant with tired eyes
Our voice trembles but we speak
Oh but when we speak
You won't forget a single word
The world around me is testing me
They are ravenous but they won't break me
Resiliency has become me

You reside in the depths of my mind
You always seem to come out at the worst times
The "what ifs" and "whys?" Seem to take control and never pass me by
No matter how much I cry
No matter how much I beg
No matter how ******* angry I am
You never seem to give

You're a weight
Nothing more
You drag me to the depths of my sadness
And leave me forlorn
Whilst I sit at the bottom
And think about what went wrong
I remember

          you've been here all along

With everything I do
I will have the doubt in my mind
That the things I am doing
Are just to fill time

My empty accomplishments
My empty wall of fame
My empty heart beating
My empty full name

I lie awake tired
I lie here distressed
I lie here, my mind racing
My whole life a mess

I'm counting the hours
I'm counting the days
Until I can give up
This timeless charade

Dear god I'm not happy
Dear god I'm a fraud
Dear god are you listening?
Dear god, I've wrote you all along

When will this be over?
When will I feel full?
When will my life become everything everyone said it would?
When will I feel sure?

Dear god if you're listening
Dear god hear my plea
Dear god I'm begging you
Why won't you answer me?

Try as I might, I cannot refer to you with anyother title
For you had unfortunately raised me
You stood there
Unaware, as my childhood grazed me
I never saw it coming
You never asked for me
I never wanted this to happen
For you to cry over me
I thought you'd be glad
You got what you wanted
Me out of your life
But like a ghost I still haunted
Your memories of regret
Your memories of pride
All those nights crying
We shamelessly lie
I'm sorry you find your sanity in a bottle of wine
I'm sorry I find mine in a bottle that was prescribed
We both need our peace
We both need our distance
If it helps you to know
I'd love you to listen
About how I still care, deep in my heart
I'm sorry that our minds
Tore us apart

You're that comfortable feeling on a silent, cold winter night
But the most we've ever come in contact was a hand shake good night
I know it's not right
And it's definitely not fair
How I wish I could say that I don't even care

You encouraged me to better myself
And that's the most thoughtful thing
How sad is it that we can't be something?

It came down
Like a tidal wave
Grasping towards the surface
I couldn't reach
Here I was
On the train
Hiding my face so patrons couldn't see

I was weak
I was alone
I was tired
I was bleak
I was me

He wanted to know what was wrong
Why the tears
I told him
"It's been like this, like this for years"
I say "I hate my life" at least twice a day
"I always hope it's jokingly" I say
But it isn't
I mean it, it's meant for every second

My family is aloof
My friends are in the past
Where I can't reach them
I wear their memories like a cast
"I gave my all" I exclaimed
All is what they took
They left what they gained

My life's heading nowhere
And it's getting there fast
21 years old
And all I can focus on is my past
Where am I going?
Why am I doing all of this?
I wish I knew
I wouldn't be ashamed to exist

One life to live
And this is how I'm living mine?
Time is all I've got
And I've got none at the same time

If it's all the same
I don't want to **** myself
I don't want to die
But what's the point of living
If you're dead inside?

It’s okay that you never put me first
Because I will
It’s okay that you never let go
Because I will

Someday you’ll be someone that I once knew
Someone who someday might become someone that’s worth it to know
But I will never
Know that it could have been great
You and me; imagine that
For now; it’s been too late
I was worth it, you know
You held onto your pride and me; you let go

It’s okay, though
I forgive you
And maybe someday
Even today
I’ll miss you

That's how I remember it
It was self destructive
It was a problem
I was problem

That's how I remember it
I never meant to
I never wanted to
I hurt you

That wasn't how it was supposed to happen
That's not how I wanted it to go down
But that's how I remember it

Uncanny how it fell into place
But I still recall
The look on you face
I wish I couldn't remember it

To forget is to insult
To shed responsibility
To own up to my mistakes
Is to establish nobility

I wanted you to notice how I felt
So I destroyed myself
To put myself back together
To turn into somebody you’d like

It’s always another day
Always another season
Always another year
I still feel the way i felt
I’m still unclear
About how it all went down
How it all crashed and burnt without a sound