When I found my sacred place, I was content in the fact I would be undisturbed. The open grounds of the church sprawled out in front me and I ran. Green lush trees of the Abbey surrounded me and I was lost in my mind. Not in the way where I was terrified of the thoughts, but in the way that I couldn’t help staring at the pictures in my head this landscape prompted. It was quiet, except for the frequent screams of murders of crows. I was quiet and content, then I found out it would all be gone.

I was never a hopeless romantic. I never believed in love. I guess things change when you meet someone. Now I’m just hopeless and romantic.

I clenched my eyes,
Afraid to look at you.
Because all I wanted
Was to give you this body
Not what lived within it.
But you stole it,
Like every kiss leading up to,
That moment.
Maybe that's why I cried
Because I came to the sudden realization,
That from that moment on,
Your name was carved
Into every bone in my body.
And the thought if being without you,
Tore through my mind
Like a wave of infinite destruction.
And it pained me to know that nothing lasts forever.
Because in that moment,
All wanted was forever,
With you.

It's sort of strange
how an emptiness can fill you
how nothing can take you over
an absence can engulf you

that's when nothing becomes everything
all at the same time
when you get lost in how to answer farmiliar questions
what's wrong

well you can't say nothing
and you can't say everything
but really it's the scariest nothing
and the saddest everything
that has drowned you in your sleep

I'm still just as lost,
But there's a light in the wood.
These days I haven't seen much sleep.
I'm at a loss of dreams.
But silence is better than my nightmares.
I'm still that drowning mermaid.
Now I'm learning to breathe.
The ships have sailed and I'll never reach shore.
Still, I'm addicted to the sting of the salt.
Can't swim but I can float,
Let this lingering shadow man carry me.
One day he may let me go,
For now this friend won't leave my side.

Now I'm meeting old friends too.
I was convinced my friends had left me.
It seems like a reunion in my room,
And I the unwilling host.
This room is crowded,
But at least I'm not lonely.
I want the light to burn them up,
You are only a spark.

If I abandon my room,
If I get lost I won't mind.
At least I'm free.
So I'll wait for my time,
When it's time to run.
My friends won't stop me.

Mommy told me about her dream
I looked like a skeleton
And she was begging me to eat

Breathe
It will pass
Breathe
This isn't forever
Breathe
It's only chemicals
Breathe
The air will come back
Breathe
You will be able to stand
Breathe
The thoughts won't **** you
Breathe
You are safe here
Breathe
I swear you'll be okay
Breathe
Maybe not today
Breathe
But I promise
You'll be okay

Cold, unforgiving.
My soul froze in time.
I gave love its last chance,
And clocks stopped.

The big hand contorted,
To mock my closing veins.
The small just pointed
And laughed in my face.

So I shattered all the timepieces,
Forbidding me to count the seconds alone.
In an hourless world,
I lost faith in hope.

The walls as my best friend.
My bed the only lover.
I'm content in waiting
For my torturous life to be over.

But you found me
Wrapped in passing seconds.
Prisoner to tic tic
Pacing in my head.

Where my skin
Tasted of decay.
And my claws retired
From scratching at the gates.

Given up on fighting,
Satisfied with thousand pound lungs.
A half timed beating,
Beneath my hollow ribs.

My souls began to thaw,
Clocks began to move.
All from your touch,
All from your air.

The big hand straightens.
And the small silences itself.
Opening my veins.
No more comically mocking my pain.

Your gentle hands piece together,
All the pieces I shattered.
Back to counting
All the seconds I'm alive.

My walls become acquaintances.
You replace my bed.
I'm not waiting,
This life won't end.

No longer bound
By the song of passing time.
Free from "tic toc",
It's a little less crowded in my head.

Warmth returns to my skin.
My hands click awake.
Not ready to scratch,
But to create.

There is no fight to give up.
Air quickly lifts my lungs.
There's a full paced beating,
Inside my glowing chest.

All because you touched me.
You kissed me.
With a calm fear,
You woke me from my sleep.

I feel so stuck in my brain
All the time.  
My life is not
My interaction with the world.
My life is my interaction
With my own mind.

My life is in
My thoughts and
Inner diologue,
Not in the way
I fit into the
Universal machine.

It goes on
And on without me.
I was part of the machine
For only a minute and
Once again I feel myself
Beginning to float
Into the distance.

I'm clinging to everything
On Earth I can find
Meaning in.
I'm holding onto
Love and fear
To try to keep
Myself on the ground.

Hold onto me
So I can feel some
Small security.
How can I be
So sensitive and
Struggle to feel
What's all around me?

Maybe I'll lay in the rain
And let it soak
Into my bones.
I'll be drenched in rain
When the wind blows in
And I become frozen
In the cold.

Then I'll set myself
On fire,
And maybe that's extreme,
But I'm desperate for relief,
To find what I need,
To feel human again.

My arms like vines,
I wrap myself.
White knuckles,
I grip my skin
Like the seat of a shaky airplane.

Holding tightly,
I try to steady trembling
That undulates through me.
The teasing provocation
And amorous taunting
Leaves me wanting today.

But I bite my wrists
To extract my attention
From my cavernous mind
And fix it on the skin about to break.

I'm itching for softness
To cover me like armor
And protect me from the jagged edges
That protrude in me.
I need some sweetness
To quell the bitterness
That saturates my mouth.

Be soft and sweet for me,
I know that you can.
Be tender and warm,
Or leave me to cry.

I'll constrict and wring it out of myself,
If I have to,
In time.

Some nights are fine.
But some nights,
Your face is all I can see
When I close my eyes.

You said that day
Haunts you,
But do you lose sleep
Like I do?

How many consecutive days
Have you stayed inside
Because you were too terrified
To go anywhere on your own?

When you walk to class,
Do you keep your head down
And your eyes on your feet
In fear that I might show up?

Do you need four million volts
In your bag at all times
Just to feel something close
To safe?

Do you cringe
When you think of me?
Do you still feel me
In your grips?

Did you find someone
To care about you?
Someone you care about too?
Can you ******* tears
When they kiss you?
Does it leave a guilty taste
On your lips
The way you left bruises on my hips?

When you hold them close
Are you reminded of the way
You held me throat?

Does your skin crawl
When they touch you,
Because no matter how close
You're dying to be
How loved you want to feel
You can't get rid of the memory of me?

No. Of course not.
You're not haunted.
You don't know what it's like
To have the ghost of someone
Who stole your sense of self
Live inside your mouth.
You don't know
What you did,
And I don't think you ever will.
But I hope one day
Someone makes you feel as small
As you made me feel.

All I want
Is to be wrapped
In your love.
Cover me with
Your safety
So I can finally
Rest easy.

Please let me
Hold onto you.
I'm so far from calm
And so close to the edge,
But holding you close
Brings me home again.

You'll never understand
What it's like for me.
I'm the one who cares too much,
Always have been
Always will be.

I love you so deeply
And I love you so
Unconditionally,
That I'm afraid my love
Won't stop
Even when you've had enough.

I sing your name in my sleep
And my hands wander
In search of yours.
Where are you now?
I need you here.

I love you so much,
That I cry because it hurts.
It hurts to know i'm trapped
In your binding curse.

I cry because I know
That I'm a pathetic mess
And you're so perfect
That your picture
Won't leave my head.

You're too good for me
And every one can see
That I'm just a freak
And you're a masterpiece.

I'm just an admirer
Lost in your light.
It's so bright
It keeps me up at night.

Please tell me you love me
The same way I love you
Even if it's a lie
Even if it will never be true.

I love you like an addict
Loves getting high.
I love you like the moon
Loves changing tides.

I know you'll never love me
With the pain that  
I love you.
But you could at least try
To pretend that you do.

You haven't even left yet
And I'm drowning in my tears.
My love is so complete
It fills me with fear.

I'm so terrified
That one day you'll be gone.
You'll be happy
And I'll never
Move on.

You'll find a girl
Who'll never love like me.
But at least she's normal
And not an emotional freak.

At least she's pretty
And at least she's sane,
But her love will never
Be as true as mine.

So please let me hold you
While I still have time,
Because I know when I blink
You'll no longer be mine.

You'll be tired of me
And all my insanity.
You'll leave even though
You promised you loved me.

You said you wanted a future
With me.
And you said I'm the first one
To make you believe
That love doesn't have to hurt.

My love will always hurt
Because my heart is fragile.
So please handle with care.
Let it down gently
To avoid further breaking.

What am I saying?
It's already broken
Because I can see the future
And I can see the truth.
I'll never be good enough
For you.

I can see you walk away
As I begin to die.
I can see you letting go
Every time
I close my eyes.

I'm sorry I'm like this,
I know I'm too much.
I know I'm too ****** up
For someone to ever love.

I swing my sword
At the monster inside me.
But the blade has been blunted,
It's dull and cannot ****.
What is a warrior without her sword?
Joan of Arc without her horse?

Stripped of my valor,
In the middle of war.
I do not have the means to fight anymore.
Left bare to the sun.
Where arrows can pierce
And daggers can jab.

Trying to create an image,
Which seemed so vivid before.
All my paint is dull
And all my canvas broken.
What is an artist without his brush?
Van Gogh without his hands?

The pain he must feel
When losing his only muse.
He lives through art,
So dies if he cannot paint.
I live through words,
I die if I cannot write.

Now god you've taken my legs.
How do I live,
When I cannot stand.
I fear I've lost my only light.
I fear I'm out of muse.
With nothing more to say.

Like a warrior without her sword.
Van Gogh without his hands.
My words are my legs,
And I cannot stand.

The color of calm,
Sound of a blue canvas.
All the shades of ease,
Cover me in blue.

It's not cold,
Or sad.
It wraps me up,
And whispers to me.
How soft,
How silent.

There's loud silence,
And quiet.
The loud lives in my shaking hands.
But keeps me unable to speak,
Only loud inside my sewn mouth.

The quiet will not restrict my words,
But leaves me without any at all.
The quiet slows my heart,
The quiet keeps me still.
Sends silence through my veins,
And all is blue.

My heart is embarassing.
It bleeds and cries
And loves too strongly
For it's own good.

It loves as if
It has never been broken,
As if it has forgotten
The countless times
It's been left bruised
And bloodied,
Half alive.

It loves so unconditionally
That I've let myself
Be tossed to the wind
And returned to the ground
At the whims of mere memories.

It loves so pathetically
That I do all I can
To make sure my love
Does not come spilling
Out of my mouth
For onlookers to see.

I keep my passions
And my aches away from the world
So that I don't overwhelm
Everyone else
With the love that overwhelms me.

I can't just say how I feel
I can't just open my gates
Because as much as you would like to believe
That everything inside me is beautiful,
It's as ugly as anything could ever be.

I can't just let you know
How pathetically
Embarrassingly
Ridiculously
In love with you I am.

What if you don't feel the same?
That's a stupid question
I'm sorry
I know no one could ever love me
With the sadness I love them

You waited for me,
So I wait for you.

I wait for you to text,
I wait for you to call,
I wait for you to love me.

You made promises,
Beautiful dreams
And I wait for them to come true.

You say it will get better,
That everything will change,
So I wait for your words to become reality.

I wait for you to come home,
Where I wait for more bad news
And more promises.

I wait alone,
Becoming more and more hopeless
That your words will ever be
Anything but words.

I keeping waiting
I keep pleading
Now all I want is the truth.

I wait for you to decide
I wait for you to let go
Or just tell me that you won't.

I wait for you to answer me,
Knowing that you won't
So I can stop waiting
For your love to come home.

In the silence,
It's my turn to decide.
I decide i've been too patient,
You've wasted my time.

And yet somehow,
I still wait for you to care.
I still hope you'll prove me wrong.

Because love is patient,
And love is all I have for you.

So you take my time,
Hour by hour,
Day by day,
I wait.

Maybe I'm waiting for something
That I will never get back,
The way you used to care.

Maybe I'll take this clock I keep checking
All the way to my grave.

From under the dirt,
My heart will keep counting the seconds,
Keep waiting for your love.

I'd give you every second
Of the time I have left,
But it wouldn't mean a thing to you.

To you, my time is free.
To you, my patience has no value
Because it is all that you know.

It cannot be taken for granted,
Because it is granted unconditionally.
Whether you want it or not.

So I wait,
As the clock keeps ticking,
For my heart to finally stop.

Maybe when my time is up,
It will finally mean something to you.

I could memorize your freckles.
Where each is exactly
And how many you have.

I could kiss your lips
A thousand times
And feel my cheeks burn
With each.

I could run my hands
Through your soft hair,
Feeling each curl
Like silk between my fingers.

I could stay in your arms
For as long as you'll let me,
Absorbing the security
I've been trying to find everywhere.

I could forge
These tactile memories,
These sensations I could experience
All over again
If I just close my eyes.

If I just close my eyes
And breathe deeply
It's almost as if
I can feel you again.

I feel your ghost on my lips,
Your shadow embraces me,
Your echoe holds my hand
And I pray to be close to you again.

I count the seconds
Until my tactile memories
Become concrete
And I can feel you,
Not your ghost
Or shadow
Or echoe,
Making me wish
For more time.

I'm very tired
And it's very late at night
My thoughts keep me up
It's getting harder to fight

I think about my failures
And everything I've done wrong
How I **** everything up
It's all a familiar song

My words are getting literal
I can't disguise my guilt
The hatred for myself
In every direction it's built

Well rhyming gets so hard
When I try to write my mind
Because I'm unable to find the words
That could shed light

Even without a rhyme or a rhythm I find it hard to articulate these dangerous thoughts I have. As many writers do, we have this sense of frustration because no combination of syllables can really portray the emptiness and sadness that lives in us. Styron called it "melancholia", but not even that will suffice.

I'm getting weaker by the hour
And the passage of time
Speeds faster and faster.

I built walls in my mind
To keep my worries
And sorrows confined.

Now they're falling down,
My fear is overflowing,
And I can't find solid ground.

Stop telling me what helped you,
Stop telling me what I should do,
Because you don't know the depth of this flood.

Stop telling me it's easy to find land
Because you can make your own sand.
I can't and I don't think I ever will.

For just one second
Please listen to me when I say
That I can't ******* breathe.

Telling me there's air all around
Will not force it into my lungs
And bring me back from the brink of death.

And when I say
I'm terrified,
It's not an invitation
For a lesson in bravery.

When I say I'm scared
It's not because I don't understand
Everything that's going on.

I understand just fine.
But understanding that the sun shines
Is not what makes it rise.

Stop telling me things
That I already know.
Stop telling me things
That are of no use.
And stop making my pain
About you.

I'm not as stupid
As you might think.
But being filled with knowledge
Doesn't mean I won't sink.

I'm not as blind
As you may believe.
You keep telling me to open my eyes
But I already see just fine
And clarity of vision
Is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge,
And I know you know
What that means.
So for the love of all that is holy
Stop pushing me.

You might think I can fly
But I already know I can't.
You might say
That you'll catch me.
But the arms of another
Are not what I need.

So next time you see tears in my eyes,
And it won't be far off,
Don't speak.
Don't preach.
Just listen
And hold me.

You don't know me
Like you think you do.
And I'm sure if you did,
You wouldn't want to.

I'm fragile and dark
Like a tree that's been burned.
I'm not the blooming flower
That I pretend to be.

And you would know that by now
If you were silent
And let me speak.

I've been quiet my whole life
And maybe that's part of the reason
I'm constantly overwhelmed.

I have so much to say
And no one to listen.
No one to open their ears
And hear me scream.

My screams have always been inward,
Echoing inside me.
If I could just let them out
Maybe they would stop killing me.

It's so loud inside my head
That most of the time
I wish I was dead.

But if I could take that volume
And let it disolve into the air,
Maybe I could sleep soundly
And stop running in my dreams.

So if you really want to help
And if you really care,
Please stop rambling about things
That won't bring my empty lungs air.

I say I live as a burden,
My mouth sealed shut.
So that I may not utter the words,
Of my weighted thoughts.

These truths weigh a ton,
And I've far too many for just one head.
For even mine.
My head bobs to my shoulder,
Weakened necks can't hold this.

Now I'm shaking,
Trembling.
Because I gave you the rocks,
The stones that broke my neck.
And you are fading,
Drifting all at once.

Give me your boulders,
And we will be even.
Give me your mountains,
So I can rest easy.

My burdenous brain
Broken neck
Heavy thoughts

I never meant to break your neck too

I'm so sorry
I'm
So *******
Sorry
That I'm not as resilient
As I wish I could be

I'm so
**** sorry
That the world
And all its insignificant strings
Affect me so deeply

Even just simple sounds
And familiar sights
Make me feel like
I'm losing my
******* mind

I don't mean to
Cry so much
But it's almost like
My eyes don't care
What you think
Of me

I choke on tears
I hold them tightly
Inside me
And they knock
On the inside
Of my skull

They want to be
Free
They want to
Fall on your
Shoulders
And drench your
Shirt

They want to be
Seen
And heard
And loved
Just like
Me

I'll admit it
Because it's all
I have
This desire to be held
And understood
Unconditionally

Even as I write
As I type
My tears drip
Silently
Onto your bed

****
Why can't i
Keep them inside me
With the rest of the
Thoughts
I can't begin
To speak

They're so stupid
And so am I
For wanting to
Exist without question
Without depression

I'm so stupid
To want to be
Loved

To want to be
Secure
In your hands
And heart

In your mind
And in your bed
Would be heavenly

Like the way
You kiss me
Heavenly

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm
So
Sorry
That I'm such a
Stupid baby

How would one go about
Saying that they
Hate themselves
Without sounding too pathetic
Or melodramatic?
Asking for a friend.

how do i look at myself
and say
"this is okay.
the way you feel,
the way you think,
is okay."

how do i stop
telling myself
that i've always been
and will always be
too much?

can i change the way
i feel about myself
without changing
who i am?

can i learn
to appreciate my bleeding heart
and overzealous mind?

god
please tell me
that this is how you made me
and that how i am
is okay to be.

god
touch my heart
and heal my eyes
so that i am at peace
with all the things
i can't stand to be.

how do i stop
wishing that everything
about me was different?

i swallowed my fear,
ignored my sadness,
laughed off my self loathing,
and danced on the edges of my instability.

now I'm sick to my stomach
with a growing tremble that demands
I pay attention.
my jokes have gotten old
and i can no longer pretend
i don't have two left feet.

i've been traversing this landscape
with my eyes closed,
and so far my steps have been lucky.
so lucky, to any onlooker
it might seem I can see just fine.

finally the reality of the situation
has found its way to my heart
and my hands.
i'm wandering alone,
bare to elements
and completely blind.

the late onset of my panic
could be a product of shock.
i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off
for the past three months.

for three months i've been
burying any negative feeling
or thought
deep inside this decaptitated body of mine.

but holy hell,
i'm bleeding out
and the shock has worn off.
my eyes are open to vastness
that is unfolding in front of me,
and i'm still just as lost.

I thought it was over.
I thought that,
Because I found you,
The torture would end.

I thought that because
You loved me
The sleepless nights
The fear of desolation
The lonely tears
Would be over.

I thought that
Because we were together
I would never have to
Beg for love again.

I thought that because you saw me
For the mess that I am
And made me believe
That you loved me anyway,
I had come home.

But you changed your mask
And ran an ocean away from me.
Leaving me drowning
And desperate for your attention.

I threw you every rope,
Gave you every chance
To show me that you still cared.
But your hollow words
Cracked beneath the weight
Of your apathy.

Your nearsightedness
Turned you blind to me.
While I swam to you every day,
Hoping that you could see me
From the beaches of Cornwall.

But you turned your back to the waves
Leaving me to start all over.
Over and over,
Every morning.

Silly me, I thought you meant what you said.
I thought forever meant forever.
I thought when you said you wanted me,
You meant you wanted me.

So you say it’s too heavy,
But you keep adding stones to the scale.
You keep saying we’re drowning,
But you won’t let me up for air.

We’re headed for a cliff,
But my love it’s your foot on the gas.
I know the light looks pretty
Passing quickly by the windows
But I fear we won’t survive this fall.

So I thought
Because you met me in the dark
And made me believe
That you’d always shine a light on me
That it had all been worth it.

That every storm I had endured
Was worth the strength it took
To crawl out of the wind
And drag myself to shelter.

But your winds are whistling
And it’s rained most days since you left.
You’re just another blustering squall
Disguised as the love of my life.

The flat river stretches out in front of me
And splits cleanly into a deep blue grey ridge,
The top of which is frayed and spiked with tree tops.
Across the reflective, jittery water
Houses dot the banks.
They are white, red,
All bearing a facade reminiscent of the founding of this town.
Massive swaths of earth
Are carved out of the hillside behind them,
It must be a quarry
But I can't be sure.

I drench my senses in this waterscape,
Remembering its past I never lived
And fearing its future that I will most likely
Have the displeasure of witnessing.

Silence breaks as the fisherman,
Whose bow eclipses the concrete embankment to my right,
Takes a call from his vessel.
He is instructing someone on how to assemble some structure
With screws and washers.

I return to my observations.
Blue and white clouds have dropped over
That distant, fractal topped ridge.
It's warm for March but cold for April.
I look up from my writing and suddenly
The blue ridge,
The blue clouds,
And the blue water all appear a shade darker
Than they were the last time I raised my eyes and listened.

He's hung up.
It's time to go.

On my way back,
I remember that it's easier to describe
What's tangible
Than that which is nebulous
And further clouded by an unattended to mind.
I begin to cry and forgive myself.

That blue ridge has vanished.
Not even a sketch of it can be discerned
Out of the white mask it wears.

Behind that mask
Beyond the ridge
I turned into a woman.
I replaced my identity
And decided that I was not a vessel of pain
Or a naive child.

I decided to be intelligence
Kindness
Bravery
And ambition.

Splash.
The lure breaks the water.
He jigs and reels.
Nothing.

What I wouldn't give
To have seen that bridge burn
To feel the radiating heat
Just barely scorching my skin
To know how far away the glow could be seen.

I wonder if my own burning radiates.
I wonder if my still glowing embers
Can be heard crackling.
Or if, like the bridge,
All the incendiary evidence of my youth
Crumbled into the water
And washed into the not so distant sea.

The mask is clearing
And subtle blue emerges.
Will I wait to see it bare its face?
I don't think so.

I have changed and I am changing.
Like this town,
Old facades fall
And the promise of a better way
Rises from the rubble of memories
Warm and familiar.

The old and the new find space here.
The stone past and the fluid present,
The river and the bridge,
The arches of then bend over
The current of now,
Cut out and carved,
Twisting and flowing.

Lines cast still,
Hooks reel in empty
And they do it all again,
As I love and lose
And do it all again,
Rebuilding my abutments
For a third time since arriving here.

This time the work is slow.
One hand shovels,
Filling in the holes love left behind
When it departed.
Ripping my supports from their foundation
Deep in the earth,
Beneath the running water.

The other scrubs away the future
From the slate of my expectations.
As what was etched there
Has turned to mere delusion,
I must start again at engraving
A more plausible picture.
But the lines were chiseled deep
By my determined hands
So the work of erasing draws on and on.

To create and destroy at the same time,
Like the water erodes the bank
While carrying the assurance of life
Through the verdant landscape
To the abundant sea.

I wish I could call this growth.
While I hope this laboring is not in vain
There is no knowing if any of it will leave me
With the foundation of self I seek.
This backbreaking toil
Is merely to break even,
To give me a dry place to stand.

The sun now departs.
Orange dipping behind green
The light turns blue,
And I need a jacket.
Shivering, I stand
To find warmth.

My hands have betrayed me.
Once the means to write pages,
Now my hands are only dead weight.

My hands won't pick up a pen.
Or even type short,
Choppy sentences.

They dangle at my sides
And find refuge in my hair,
Leaving me bleeding.

Like my hands,
My mouth has declared itself
My enemy.

Once the passageway for words
To explain myself,
My mouth is now as useful as a broken bridge.

With nothing of value to say,
It talks  
And sings anyway.

It opens without my permission
But stays closed whenever I try
To scream meaning.

The inability to illustrate
Or translate my mind
And my soul
Is not an unfamiliar ordeal.

But it's lonely on the outside
And frustrating looking in.
It seems I'll always feel like an alien.

Help
I can't get out
I'm stuck in my skull
With only a window

My words
Are stuck in my throat
Blocking the air

My reach is stuck
In my elbows
Wrapping my arms
Around my shoulders

Are you a prisoner
In your own body?
Can you see
Me in chains?

if you drank my tears
maybe you'd taste the things
i cant say
because these tears are the same
as the ones I cry inside my mind

They're not liars like the rest of me
So drink up
And let me free

Unblinking,
Circle thinking,
I’m starting to see flickers
From the corners of my eye.

I’ve been awake too long,
For the second night now,
Pondering why the bathroom floor
Calls to me-it says take a seat.

Staring at the ceiling, at the door,
How many nights will I waste
In this most authentic state?

Maybe I’m disturbed.
Maybe I’m liar.
I tell stories to the mirror.

Knock knock
My skull against the wall.
I wonder when you’ll wake up and save me.

This is my dungeon, my tower with no stairs.
Harsh light, no comfortable surface,
that **** mirror, all my baneful tools.

My self-prescribed echo chamber,
My punishment for shallow thought.
My love, I want nothing more than to hold you
In imperfect rest.
But the linoleum holds me captive.

Could there be something
In my head
That only my hands know about?

Because I'm not sure why
They refuse to stop
Tearing at my skin
Even when I begin to bleed
And start to beg.

Are my hands trying
To set something free
That's been locked inside me?
Or are they just performing
The will of my secret thoughts?
Destroying me without
My say in the matter.

I don't know why
I'm trying to analyze this.
It's just a nervous tick.

You held my bones together
Kept me all intact.
But now I'm coming unhinged.
My fingers are losing feeling,
Detached from who I am.

My dry tongue,
And teeth falling lose.
Can only make a slapping sound,
No cry for help.

My skin is so lonely
My hips go untouched.
I shiver so quick
I look frost bitten.
But really I'm just cold,
Without a warming touch.

I'm sorry I'm weak,
And can't keep my pace.
But it's all moving so fast
And I'm trying so hard
Not to fall behind.

I'm pushing my legs
As far as they will go.
And I know my slow knees,
Are holding you back.

I can't give you life,
But god, i can try.
To make you feel as deeply,
As fully as me.
I can't promise you much
Because I'm an unpredictable mess.

But I can promise
I'll give you all that I have.
Sacrificing my sanity
To keep yours intact.

My prayers have become
Begging cries.
Begging to god
To keep us alive.

Repenting the sins
I've scared myself for.
I came so close
To recovering my soul.

But you might as well be ******,
Or some other drug.
I itch for you
Return to my veins.
But with every drug
Comes a crash.

A weightless,
Glowing feeling,
When you get the first taste.
But really it's just poison,
Ruining your veins.

"I should be doing something",
I say to myself
As I lay in bed
And stare out the window.

"Go do something",
I beg myself
As I pace in circles
Around the kitchen.

"Get it together",
I command myself
While sitting on the floor
Watching the front door.

"You know there are things
You could be doing,
You should be doing.
Things that will help you
Become the person
You're so desperate to be.
Get up and do them."

I insist to myself
As I take off my makeup
And get in bed,
Pulling the sheets over my head.

I should have stayed lost
Out on those backroads,
Watching the lightning
Make the night clouds glow.
Because now I can’t stop thinking about your lips
And picturing us tangled together.
And now that I want you
I’m afraid there’s no going back.

I want to show you
How I open up.
I want to feel you open up for me.
You’ve invaded my mind
And the thought of you catches my breath.
The air escapes me.
My heart could jump out of my chest
Remembering the way you kissed me gently.

Part of me wants to fall for you,
But most of me knows that I can’t.
Most of me knows that you’re out of reach
And broken people like me
Should stay far away
From purity like you.
Because I will only ruin you.

But I am quenched by your kiss,
Sated by your touch,
And still so hungry for more.
I’m starving for words of affection
That I know I should not want.
I’m withering away without your validation.

I’ve been spending too much time
Staring at your sweet face,
Your strong body.
I’ve been spending too much time
Watching your smile
Make gentle lines on your cheeks,
Kissing them.  

While we stare
And laugh
I find it hard
To keep my heart from overflowing.
I find it hard to keep those words
Away from your ears.
The ones I told myself
I would not utter
Until I knew myself better.

I should have stayed lost,
Wandering alone,
Between two kinds of love.
Old and new.
Him and you.
I should have wandered into the rainy night,
Letting high grass caress my hips,
Sinking below their tops
Until I cannot be found.

I’d rather lay there
Until the brush consumed me,
Turning me into dirt,
Than fall into you
And out again.
I’d rather disappear into foliage
Than hurt myself
By loving you.
I’d rather been devoured
By those Pennsylvania amber waves
Than be in love with you.

You get what you think you want
But you’ll never be satisfied
So get comfortable
Because that’s what growing up is
Denying your desires
Ignoring the itch

You want a piece of everyone
But keep your entirety to yourself
Collecting kisses
Assembling your gallery of lovers
What a beautiful collage they make

Spilling blush red paint
On the canvas of my lily white skin
Dye me technicolor
Like your t shirt
Roll me up and breathe me in

It’s takes more love than you thought
To fill your empty vessel
More pleasure than is acceptable
To pacify your self abuse

My tendency to pursue chaos
Out of boredom
To create my own tragedy
Rather than face banality
Makes me question this feeling

So I will **** it
I will suffocate my restlessness
Force myself into complacency
Cut out my tongue
Cut off my hands
Because I’d rather bleed out
Than reach for something that isn’t real

You want closer?
You want deeper?
You want me to stop hiding?

I stopped hiding long ago
I cut myself open
So you could see
All the deepest parts of me

I poured myself out
So you could taste me
And know what flavors
Assemble me

But you withdraw
Distance yourself
Reinforce your walls
And ask me to
Know you.

I'm digging
And fighting
To reveal you
But I cannot force you
To unlock your doors

I cannot dig tunnels
Under your walls
I cannot chase you in circles
If you do not want to be caught

I did my part
I bled myself dry
Now it's your turn

Don't put me behind glass
And tell me it's my fault
That we lack a deeper connection

If you want something rooted
In truth
In love
You have to tell me who you are

I loved the bitter taste,​​​​​​​
I miss the dusty air I breathed.
But time has come to give that up,
To let go of my chemical scars.
I will bandage myself up,
Repair my lonely hear,
And leave my old life of war,
For a calmer future.

I made my mistakes,
But my mistakes have not won.
My blood will never be pure,
But the evil has been killed.

In January I begin to fade.
My astringent blood,
The shock of dying love,
It sends me into clouds of smoke
Where I can escape my broken home.
I meet you in January.

February encircles me
Like tall dark curtains.
It pushes me under the light
Where painful decisions break my neck
And I fall into your arms.
I know that I will love you in February.

March comes,
And I spend my birthday alone
Deciding between crashing my car
Or bleeding myself out.
I buy myself gifts but they can’t replace you.
It was your first broken promise.

I decide to change in April.
I decide to get better
Because I want you to love me,
And who could love me as I am?
In April we collect treasure from the river
And I cut 7 inches of my old self from my hair.

May is for planning.
We talk about the future
But you’re still shaken from the past
And anchoring yourself to the present.
My mistakes and still-loving memories
Push you to the edge,
I choose you in May.

In June, you are everything.
In June, you are my soulmate.
In June, we climb mountains.
In June, I know that I will love you forever.

We give it a name in July,
Our love.
We spend rainy nights under the trees
We sail to see seals on a foggy island,
And kiss lobsters.
Then a shadow lurks over you in July.

In August, I fight your friends
And say things I don’t mean.
You tell me you’re leaving,
And I think “here it comes.”
The fear of losing you makes me sick,
And I beg for you to care.
August changes you.

We almost die in September.
You lie and hide
I cry and beg.
I hate this part of you
And I fear that it is permanent.
In September, you pinky promise,
You’ll be back real soon
And I’ll be your wife.
You say your love for me will never get lazy,
Again.

In October,
I think maybe everything will be fine,
If I can just keep my head down
And don’t flinch at the swinging steel.
I tattoo the thought of you.
In October, it got too much.
Your apathy drags me to the gallows,
Where I have to be the one to kick the chair.

In November, I keep waiting for you
Still hoping that you’ll say all the right things and love me like June.
November,
I wonder how you could do this.
I wonder if it ever meant anything to you.
I wonder if you love her.
If she cries less
If your friends would like her
If she ***** you better
If you’re learning French.
And somehow I still want you in November.

People will often say
That those who have trouble
Letting others in
Are "guarded".

And maybe that's true
In most cases.
They wear an emotional
Suit of armor
And build imaginary walls
Around their hearts.

I also have trouble
Letting people get close.
But I would not,
In any circumstances,
Say that I am "guarded".

To call someone "guarded"
Insists that they are protected,
Safe from harm.
That's where the word loses its
Relevance to me.

I am not protected.
Not in the slightest.
I wear no suit of armor
And have no walls
Around my heart.

I'm as vulnerable as a baby deer
Who's lost it's mother
And broke it's leg.
I am susceptible
To any and all types of injury.

I am not safe from harm
Or impervious to heartbreak.
In fact,
I'm fragile.
My heart is brittle
And will break as easily as glass.

I have trouble letting people in,
But I am by no means "guarded".
I have trouble letting people in
Because I am extremely unguarded.

I am not protected or safe,
But I am evasive.
Which is probably
The smartest thing to be,
For people like me.

I run from danger
And emotional intimacy
Because I know
I'm too frail
To handle being mistreated
Or left alone.

After letting myself fall
Over and over again,
I've learned that love
Is not worth the pain
It inevitably causes.

I am done risking
My delicate soul
To feel close to someone.
At least for now,
I don't want to love
Or be loved by anyone.

For now,
I'm still recovering.
I'm still learning how to live
With myself and without the
Infatuation of someone
Who will most likely end up
Being nothing but a memory.

I won't correct you
If you call me "guarded".
But those who do not wish
To be emotionally close
Are not always so hardened.
Sometimes they're soft
And scared of the world around them.

My too-big clothes pile into mountains
At the foot of my bed.

I pull my belt tighter,
But loose fabric swims around my thighs.

Joy, love, control over both the internal and external
Melts away from me and forms puddles at my feet.

Looking down into the pool,
I see a child with loneliness strewn about her face.

She begs to be known,
But my impulse is to turn away from her.

To think the fear of loss, of abandonment
Has pushed me to abandon myself...

I cannot reach into that stagnant pond
To hold her.

I cannot keep putting my hands down my throat,
Hoping that she comes spilling out.

And were she to appear,
I'm not convinced I would have the strength to hold her.

But I lay siege to my body anyway,
Longing to starve out this parasite.

Hoping to leave nothing behind,
So that reflections can no longer torture me with desperate eyes.

Because absence, lack, nothingness
Has no countenance for mirrors or puddle-surfaces to display.

An empty space cannot hurt me,
Not like a blank page can.

I'm exhausted.
So ******* tired.
I wake up and feel
Hardly rested because
I spent all night
Pulling my teeth out
And bleeding from my mouth.

This ridiculous dream
Visits me so frequently,
Yet it never fails
To convince me of its reality.
It's impossible to speak
With bones knocked loose,
Making it hard to breathe.

I'm thinking about you
And how we were in
Very similar shoes.

I'm thinking about your smile
And your hair
That I always envied.
It's so strange to know
That I'll never walk behind you again.

I'm thinking about the way your absence
Turned our hometown upside down
And inside out.

I'm thinking about the portrait
Your brother just drew of me
And comparing it to the portrait
Anonymous painted for your mom.

Thinking about the guilt
That I somehow still carry.
Even after knowing the truth
And knowing what happened to you.

The weight of knowing
It could have been me,
But wasn't;
Is so present still.

Why did I make it out alive
When you had so much more to live for?

I'm so sorry
That this happened to you
And I'm so sorry that i couldn't do anything to save you.

I saw that girl
That looks like you
The other day.

The one that was a freshman
When we were seniors.
The one who made me catch my breath
When I passed her in the hall.
Because I saw your face
In hers.

I would think
Always for a second
"Oh my god Alex!".
And remember that
It's not you.

I saw her last week
When I went out to dinner
With my parents.
And there you were
In my mind all night.

I'm telling you this
Because I never got to tell you
While you were still here
That you and I
Had much more in common
Than I ever thought.

I felt that pain too,
Yanno the kind of
Nausea and heartache
Of having your sense of self
Burned to ashes
In a few minutes.

I wish I could have
Told you
That I was in pain too
And that if we could
Hold on for one day at a time
We'll be okay

Two years tomorrow,
Alex.
God knows we all wish
We could have saved you,
But I think you saved me.

Pill one was bad,
It made me sick.
Didn't work too well.
The zombie i became,
Drove some away.
It made the monsters multiply.
I spent my days in bed,
Too tired to move.
But lighting would strike my lips,
If I dare stop.

The next was heaven,
God lived in that pill.
Still on number one though,
It only added to my war.
See, number two had other uses.
I could take three and feel like flying.
I could crush it into dust,
And smell it's sweet high.
Pill number two got me really ******* high.

The crash from number two,
Pushed me to number three.
Withdrawal made me twitch,
Sent electricity through my veins.
Number three replaced two.
Still on one,
I hoped it would be the change.
It only made me fear for my life.
It killed my love,
Left me to die.

Doctor number two,
Please fix number one's mess.
He ****** me up bad.
But you listen to me.
You don't just write down symptoms,
And give me drugs when you tell me to leave.
Doctor two knows more about me than I do.

Take away number one,
She gave me number four.
I was a homicidal maniac.
My anger took over,
And violence seemed so lovely.
After some time this was all gone.
It did nothing to save me,
Didn't even try.
Doctor, this doesn't do ****.
It's left me drowning again.

Take away three.
Number four and five,
Now that's a combination.
Pill five stole my sleep,
And all desire to eat.
Food looked disgusting,
My heart beat quickened.
I couldn't stand still.
Now on four and five at the same time,
And starving,
I lost fifteen pounds.

Now add six.
Four, five, and six.
All at the same time.
What's happening to my body?
I've become a science project.
I felt all the chemicals in me.
Might as well have been poison,
Because six did nothing.
Like number four,
It didn't even try.

Take away four,
Give me number seven.
Now we have seven, five, and six.
It's too early to tell,
How seven will **** me up.
I don't feel human anymore,
Just chemicals with feet.
Seven, please save me.

I've been told
time can heal anything
but it seems time won't let me forget
it can't put back together
all the glass I have shattered

with all my sharp edges
and my pointed parts
i tried to keep from cutting you too

time can't heal
it can't fix my enduring guilt
all these things I don't speak of
they're burried
playing with the debris
and I guess I'm just Sorry for saying Sorry

My therapist says i need to be honest
i need to tell everyone the truth
about how i feel
what goes through my mind.

im so lonely and distant
and the only way to get close
is to be honest.
but i cant
im not sure why i cant

i cant tell him how im dying inside
i smile and blow a kiss
but i have killed myself a thousand times
in my mind

"surface relationships"
thats what she calls them
doctor know it all
doctor get inside my head
doctor please fix me

maybe im just a freak
she tells me not to say that
but the idea of letting someone see  my pain
is so terrifying

anyone whose seen me bleed
tried to stitch me up
stop the gore
or brush me off

and i cant do it again
i cant get close
once i do
they disappear
even if they didnt want to
they were gone

and sometimes im the one who leaves
i dont know why that is either
because im just a freak

i bat my lashes
and put on my red lipstick
smile and laugh
like a babbling idiot
when all i want to do is die
and i dont know why