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7d · 63
Mini golf
Liz 7d
Your face calls to me
Out of the dancing candle light.
Your eyes beg me for love
That I don’t think I’m capable of.
And yet, here I am falling anyway.

We lay together
And I’m sorry that I can’t stop staring.
I laugh and look away when you ask me why
Because I can’t bring myself to admit
That the way you look tonight
Has me writing poetry in my head.

You fill me with a scared sadness
Because I know this feeling will die.
But at the same time
You charm sweet, desperate gibberish
Out of my sleepy mind.

And so I watch your lips
As loving nonsense spins through my head.
I wonder what will happen to us
How we will fall apart.
Because darling, you’re stunning
And every beautiful thing does.
Jun 30 · 73
Columbia pt. 3
Liz Jun 30
I was a child
When fantasies of unending sleep enthralled me.
And every waking moment
Was spent pondering pain,
That familiar friend
That settled itself in my head.

The battle became so all consuming
That I was convinced
Of my dependency on it.
For art, for passion, for sensation,
I needed that ****** fight.

But as much as I believed
That the burn was a worthy sensation,
At the same time
Nerve damage ravaged my weak body
And my ability to feel,
Even that burn,
Seemed to have abandoned me.

This vacillating fight,
Between agony and paralysis,
Persuaded me, manipulated me,
Into believing it would never cease,
That I would never have a moment of peace
To breathe.

But I make myself dinner
And open the floral curtains
To let the golden, rural sun soak my kitchen.
This place is mine
And as improbable as it sounds,
I am alive.

And not only can I breathe
Without hearing violent screams
Echo throughout my body,
I sit on my grass green couch
And bask in moments of genuine, solitary
Joy.

Look at me,
No less scarred and broken,
No less hysterical yet apathetic.
But these moments of elation
That I never thought possible
Are becoming more and more frequent.

Satisfaction and mourning
For the dark child I was
Are present together in my heart.
Side by side, I feel regret for lost time,
Lost moments of splendor
And delight in my growth,
Amusement in my perfectly okayness.
Jun 30 · 32
Put me down
Liz Jun 30
Because I loved you once,
You will never die.
Isn’t that good enough?
My love has made you immortal.
Your memory is saved in the collective consciousness.
Thousands have read the details
Of how you have changed me,
How you took a child and turned her into
The heartbroken,
Brave but unsure woman I am today.

I loved you once,
Now you will never die
Because you live in my words
And my words will live eternally.
I have given you the gift
So many tragic heroes die searching for
And you are ungrateful.
How dare you return,
Again and again
Asking for more?

Isn’t it enough?
For me to have loved you once
With rage
With lust
With young pain
And eagerness.
I loved you like only a child can love,
And I am not a child anymore.

Is it selfishness or selflessness
That keeps you by my side?
Is it love or fear
That keeps you at my doorstep?
Has your immortality filled you with hubris.
Made you brave
But only at my fault?
Have I created a monster with my words
With my love
With my pain?
Jun 25 · 38
Moments
Liz Jun 25
Your sweetness is killing me.
I’m rotting from the inside,
Things are coming loose inside me.

Your beauty is terrifying.
Your enticing allure
Makes me shutter with premature grief.

Premeditated withdrawal
Peaks over the horizon that I am trying to escape.
I want the darkness of lustful ignorance
To surround me for as long as possible.

I want to live in these small moments with you.
Wrapped in each other’s touch,
Under the haze of youth,
We live in these moments,
Unattached to the world,
Absent of sobering context.

Then, we are apart
And the cold bite of my detachment shocks me.
That obscure reflection I see
Taunts me.
I cannot have you.

So I contemplate our undoing,
My famed disappearing act.
But mirages of your face
Keep me bound to you,
To those moments
That I wish would encompass my life.
Jun 25 · 30
Don’t read me
Liz Jun 25
I should have stayed lost
Out on those backroads,
Watching the lightning
Make the night clouds glow.
Because now I can’t stop thinking about your lips
And picturing us tangled together.
And now that I want you
I’m afraid there’s no going back.

I want to show you
How I open up.
I want to feel you open up for me.
You’ve invaded my mind
And the thought of you catches my breath.
The air escapes me.
My heart could jump out of my chest
Remembering the way you kissed me gently.

Part of me wants to fall for you,
But most of me knows that I can’t.
Most of me knows that you’re out of reach
And broken people like me
Should stay far away
From purity like you.
Because I will only ruin you.

But I am quenched by your kiss,
Sated by your touch,
And still so hungry for more.
I’m starving for words of affection
That I know I should not want.
I’m withering away without your validation.

I’ve been spending too much time
Staring at your sweet face,
Your strong body.
I’ve been spending too much time
Watching your smile
Make gentle lines on your cheeks,
Kissing them.  

While we stare
And laugh
I find it hard
To keep my heart from overflowing.
I find it hard to keep those words
Away from your ears.
The ones I told myself
I would not utter
Until I knew myself better.

I should have stayed lost,
Wandering alone,
Between two kinds of love.
Old and new.
Him and you.
I should have wandered into the rainy night,
Letting high grass caress my hips,
Sinking below their tops
Until I cannot be found.

I’d rather lay there
Until the brush consumed me,
Turning me into dirt,
Than fall into you
And out again.
I’d rather disappear into foliage
Than hurt myself
By loving you.
I’d rather been devoured
By those Pennsylvania amber waves
Than be in love with you.
Jun 19 · 44
Morning lust
Liz Jun 19
Blue light slinks in under the blinds
And veils your face.
The shadow of your eyes,
Your jaw
Is bold against your glowing skin.
I try to float up to your lips
But I am clumsy and heavy.
And you are soft and strong,
Sweet and inviting.

My breathing is shallow
And my pulse deep,
Radiating in my chest,
Fluttering in stomach.
I could cry,
But I won’t.
I’m so easily overwhelmed by poetry,
I’m easily overwhelmed by melody,
By art.
You are their sum
And I am saturated by you.

The feeling is cold,
But my cheeks are warm.
Don’t scream,
I tell myself.
Don’t break down here.
Don’t let burdensome words
Escape your historically tight lips
That have now found themselves foolish.
Foolish girl.
I am weaker than I thought,
I am weaker than I need to be
To keep up this game.

But you make me gush.
My skin is flush.
I’m blushing pink,
Inventing scenes of your body against mine.
I’m dripping over you.
My legs wither and I fall into contra pasto
Memorializing the taste of you.

My writing is unwieldy
And you deserve better.
Your smile deserves grace
And organized meter.
Your hands deserve alliteration and metaphor.
Your arms deserve allusion.
Your eyes a rhyme scheme,
Your hair personification.
May 4 · 45
Friendless
Liz May 4
Socially stupid
My pure intentions are useless
I’m a good friend frozen still
Struck silent by a fear of being a nuisance

I understand if you don’t want me around
I don’t know what to say
Or when to say it
I don’t know how to act
Or when to laugh

I just know that we could help each other
I wanna grow with you
I get emotional thinking of all the beautiful things we could do
But I’m a ******* loser
And you’re just to cool

I don’t want to seem too desperate
To eager to get close to you
I just miss how we used to laugh
I miss how we used to scream at the night
Singing and spinning until we were half asleep

Socially stupid
Cordially illiterate
Friendship-less
Apr 8 · 52
Stage mom ego
Liz Apr 8
Whatever it was
That once drew words from
A tempest of a mind
Is missing now.

Whatever it was
That animated my withering hands
With dancerly motion
Has taken flight.

What did I have
That sifted through chaos
And spoke with power
Through my juvenile lips.
Power with which my grown voice
Could not conjure except
In a moment’s horror.

Skill generated from the lust of a fire
Stoked by unpredictability,
Fed by creative superiority complex.

I can look back at my adolescence with shame
And disgust.
I can tell myself
How much wiser I am now.
But that lustful child,
That frail beast
Could soak a page in pain
In ways I struggle to mimic.

I was erupting with language,
Bursting at the seams with monologue,
Overcome by soliloquy.
Now I am a mute stage hand
Calling for my line.

Must I once again take the spotlight
For an audience of self judgment
To prove to myself
That I am capable of putting on
A written performance worth reading?

Let this be my audition.
I will move myself to a standing ovation.
Apr 7 · 53
sacrifice
Liz Apr 7
I know it's wrong
To carry on like this.
But now that I have seen you again,
In ways that were to intricate
For me to unwind as a child,
And the love that i've come to know mundanely well
Is few and far,
I can't seem to keep you at arms length.
Because my arms are selfish
And my self-denial is anything but denial.

Maybe it's just a symptom of this pandemic.
My isolation has always
Brought me back to you.
And it could be wrong.
I could be leading you to the pyre,
Following blindly with a torch in hand.

Are you willing to be a martyr
For my narcissism?
A sacrifice to my selfish indulgence
Of another's attention?
But I know your blindness,
Your readiness to burn with a smile
As long as I lit the fire.

You're worth more than my oscillating indecisiveness.
You're a steady pillar
Holding up my contingency plans.
When will you crumble
And let me face the world
With true uncertainty?

As long as I have you,
I will always have something to be certain of.
Apr 7 · 43
Columbia pt. 2
Liz Apr 7
That blue ridge has vanished.
Not even a sketch of it can be discerned
Out of the white mask it wears.

Behind that mask
Beyond the ridge
I turned into a woman.
I replaced my identity
And decided that was not a vessel of pain
Or a naive child.

I decided to be intelligence
Kindness
Bravery
And ambition.

Splash.
The lure breaks the water.
He jigs and reels.
Nothing.

What I wouldn't give
To have seen that bridge burn
To feel the radiating heat
Just barely scorching my skin
To know how far away the glow could be seen.

I wonder if my own burning radiates.
I wonder if my still glowing embers
Can be heard crackling.
Or if, like the bridge,
All the incendiary evidence of my youth
Crumbled into the water
And washed into the not so distant sea.

The mask is clearing
And subtle blue emerges.
Will I wait to see it bare its face?
I don't think so.
Apr 7 · 49
Columbia
Liz Apr 7
The flat river stretches out in front of me
And splits cleanly into a deep blue grey ridge,
The top of which is frayed and spiked with tree tops.
Across the reflective, jittery water
Houses dot the banks.
They are white, red,
All bearing a facade reminiscent of the founding of this town.
Massive swaths of earth
Are carved out of the hillside behind them,
It must be a quarry
But I can't be sure.

I drench my senses in this waterscape,
Remembering its past I never lived
And fearing its future that I will most likely
Have the displeasure of witnessing.

Silence breaks as the fisherman,
Whose bow eclipses the concrete embankment to my right,
Takes a call from his vessel.
He is instructing someone on how to assemble some structure
With screws and washers.

I return to my observations.
Blue and white clouds have dropped over
That distant, fractal topped ridge.
It's warm for March but cold for April.
I look up from my writing and suddenly
The blue ridge,
The blue clouds,
And the blue water all appear a shade darker
Than they were the last time I raised my eyes and listened.

He's hung up.
It's time to go.

On my way back,
I remember that it's easier to describe
What's tangible
Than that which is nebulous
And further clouded by an unattended to mind.
I begin to cry and forgive myself.
Mar 23 · 43
Remembering
Liz Mar 23
My obsession began when I was a child.
Maybe it arose from a curiosity about the past,
My resolution that I would never be satisfied with a normal life.

Because what do we remember?
Not the mundane,
Not the simple,
And not the typical.

History has showed me what we all find to be valuable,
And its not a desk job
A suburban townhouse
Or some dissociative pursuit of a vague happiness.

It values
Struggle,
Beauty,
Revolution,
Creation,
Exploration.

I will refuse to become forgettable.
But I feel like I'm running out of time to become anything else.
What a waste of a mind and body to do nothing of significance.
But it's true, my mind and body are weak.

But I'm trying to drag myself onto this stage
In hopes of giving a performance to remember.
this is bad. and it didn't come easily. it hurts to see how far i've fallen creatively. but i'm done hoping for a return. i will make it happen.
Mar 21 · 64
Untitled
Liz Mar 21
i haven't posted anything in almost three years

i'm sorry.

i'm trying really hard.

but maybe im lying when i say that.

maybe im just pretending that what made me write before is still somewhere inside me.

it could be that the snake ive been trying to charm is dead.

no sweet melody can make it rise from its resting place inside me.

maybe i should put my flute down.
Jul 2017 · 1.3k
Genuine
Liz Jul 2017
The pressure behind my eyes swells
Like the tide under a full moon.
Waves crack against my rocky shores
And shatter over me.
Shards wash away
But most stay lodged in my bleeding heart.

And I love you anyway.
I love you despite your inconsistency
and insensitivity.
I love you even though
I can't stand too close
Without feeling worthless.
I love you even though
You're radioactive.

I love you despite the fact that you never
Held me the way I needed you to.
You were never there
The way I was there for you.
When I needed you the most,
You looked into my crying eyes
And walked away.
But I love you anyway.

I needed you a lot
And maybe I was too clingy.
But maybe i wouldn't have held
Onto you so tightly
If I could be sure you would be there
When I reached for you.

You always knew
That I would drop anything
And everything to be there for you.
But you never gave me that security.
Still, I love you

I love you even though
I can't be sure of
Who you are anymore.
You used to show me how you felt
You used to let me know.
But you've become so robotic
I'm not sure you feel a thing anymore.
And I love you.

You used to smile
You used to laugh
Now your eyes are empty
Except for racing calculations.
Always thinking
Never feeling.

You're barely human anymore,
Just a machine
That won't stop spewing
And fixing things that aren't broken.
Yet, I love you.

And you wonder why
Your friends are gone
You wonder why you feel so alone.
You won't reach anyone
Where they need to be felt.

And I love more than anything.
I love you like I might die tomorrow.
I love you even though you don't love me anymore.
I love you even though you broke promises you never made.
I love you even though you don't deserve my love anymore.
Jul 2017 · 1.7k
Electrocution
Liz Jul 2017
You want closer?
You want deeper?
You want me to stop hiding?

I stopped hiding long ago
I cut myself open
So you could see
All the deepest parts of me

I poured myself out
So you could taste me
And know what flavors
Assemble me

But you withdraw
Distance yourself
Reinforce your walls
And ask me to
Know you.

I'm digging
And fighting
To reveal you
But I cannot force you
To unlock your doors

I cannot dig tunnels
Under your walls
I cannot chase you in circles
If you do not want to be caught

I did my part
I bled myself dry
Now it's your turn

Don't put me behind glass
And tell me it's my fault
That we lack a deeper connection

If you want something rooted
In truth
In love
You have to tell me who you are
Jul 2017 · 1.2k
your gravity
Liz Jul 2017
tell me what you need,
my love,
and i'll break
bend
reconfigure my bones for you.

instead
you hold my head
under the waves
and tell me to
"just breathe".

you wanted something more
so i gave you everything i have
but you forgot to give me
what you've been carrying.

now my head is pounding
and all i can feel
is your hand on my leg
holding me close
and your words in my ear
casting me out to sea.

what more can i do
to dig my way close to you
how many layers
of twisted wire
do i have to sift through
to see your heart.

you see mine
in all its bleeding glory
but i'm not sure you even know
that you've built a bridge to your heart
but impossible riddles keep us all from crossing.

i don't want to beg,
but please,
don't push me away
May 2017 · 1.1k
I wanna hold your hand
Liz May 2017

Your hands around my throat
And the air is getting in thin,
But i'm begging you please
Don't ever let go.
Feb 2017 · 4.0k
Two left feet
Liz Feb 2017
When I first met love
It took me in its arm
And twirled me into a world
Where I could no longer
Be okay with loneliness.
It dropped me in the dust.

I was a foreigner here.
The only reality I knew before
Love left me stranded
Was dark and quiet,
Comfortable and terminal.

I was bound to fade away
And my time was almost up
When Love ripped me
From my grave
And ****** me into
Its strange world.

Here,
I settled into
My tragic fortune.
Waiting for Love
To dance with me again.

Our first dance
Was too furious to survive.
Love tossed me
Like a ragdoll
And spun me so fast
My head nearly
Detached from my body.
Love went for the lift
And dropped me on my face.

The second time
Love took me by the hand
It's gentle swaying
Almost made me forget
About our first disaster.
Softly, Love turned me around.
I turned once,
I turned twice,
Lost in rhythm I closed my eyes.

Now Love turned me again
And when I opened my eyes
Expecting to greet the face
That hypnotized me,
Love was unfamiliar.
Distorted and cruel,
Love changed to Narcissism
And left me in the dust again.

One more time
Love asked me to dance.
And I said,
"Stay away from me.
I won't fall for it again."
So Love shrugged and
Began to waltz without me.

I watched in disbelief
As Love moved
With a new kind of grace
And fluidity.
It didn't need me
To create such beauty.
But with patience,
Love waited for me.

So I stepped in
And Love let me lead.
Love bent with me
And caught me
When I dipped.

It seems
All we needed
Was the right music.
Feb 2017 · 2.7k
February sister pt.2
Liz Feb 2017
I saw that girl
That looks like you
The other day.

The one that was a freshman
When we were seniors.
The one who made me catch my breath
When I passed her in the hall.
Because I saw your face
In hers.

I would think
Always for a second
"Oh my god Alex!".
And remember that
It's not you.

I saw her last week
When I went out to dinner
With my parents.
And there you were
In my mind all night.

I'm telling you this
Because I never got to tell you
While you were still here
That you and I
Had much more in common
Than I ever thought.

I felt that pain too,
Yanno the kind of
Nausea and heartache
Of having your sense of self
Burned to ashes
In a few minutes.

I wish I could have
Told you
That I was in pain too
And that if we could
Hold on for one day at a time
We'll be okay

Two years tomorrow,
Alex.
God knows we all wish
We could have saved you,
But I think you saved me.
Jan 2017 · 1.5k
Desire
Liz Jan 2017
"I should be doing something",
I say to myself
As I lay in bed
And stare out the window.

"Go do something",
I beg myself
As I pace in circles
Around the kitchen.

"Get it together",
I command myself
While sitting on the floor
Watching the front door.

"You know there are things
You could be doing,
You should be doing.
Things that will help you
Become the person
You're so desperate to be.
Get up and do them."

I insist to myself
As I take off my makeup
And get in bed,
Pulling the sheets over my head.
Jan 2017 · 1.1k
When the levee breaks
Liz Jan 2017
I'm drowning again,
In things I haven't said.

My teeth like bars
And my mouth like a prison,
Everything I feel
Is kept within.

All my sadness,
And all my fears,
All my paranoia,
And unconditional love,
All held captive in my
Penitentiary mouth.

And it seems so stupid
To keep it all
Locked away,
But I feel even dumber
When I let my thoughts
Slip through the cracks in my teeth.

But I'm only human
And I need to know
That the way I feel
Is justified because
I feel it.

I'm only human,
And teeth don't make
Effective dams.
Tidal waves
Of feeling I've swallowed
Come pouring out my eyes
When I'm alone at night.

And you want me to show you?
You want to see
What it looks like
To feel like me?

I'm only a girl
With a fragile heart
So hold it gently.
Hold me closely
And make me believe
That it really is okay
To be like me.
Jan 2017 · 651
Slower
Liz Jan 2017
I cannot explain
The dullness that has invaded
My tired brain.
I don't know why
I don't want to try
To do the things
I know I should.

I can't be bothered
With questions about
The future
About the world around me
Because finding the answers
Requires much more energy
Than I have to offer.

How do I learn
How do I grow
With this incessant
Low hum
Ringing throughout my body?
There's no ignoring it.

I'm a slave
To my unnecessary pain.
And I hate being too weak
Too busy
Too apathetic
To fight this depression.

All I can do is laugh
And keep pushing,
Hoping that one day
I will wake up with the power
To do something about
The sadness that keeps me
From everything I have yet to reach.

For now,
I'm so sorry
That my anxiety
And my sadness
Make me stagnant
In the face of truth.

I'm so sorry
That I feel the need to
Appologize for the way I am.
But the way I am
Is not the way I want to be.
Liz Dec 2016
It'll be two years soon.
Two years,
Five psychiatric medications,
Six relapses,
20 pounds lost and gained,
And lost again,
And one suicide attempt.

And now I'm here,
Still trying to wash your fingerprints
Off of my bruised skin.
Trying to forget your voice
And the feeling of your grip
On my wrists and throat.

Two years later
And I still can't bring myself
To say the word out loud.
The R word.
Two years later and I still
Tell myself
"You idiot, you should have known."

Two years later
And every time I pass your house
On the way to see my psychiatrist
I have half a mind
To burn it to the ground.
To throw rocks in your windows.
To slash the tires
On your red jeep.

Maybe by next year
I'll stop seeing you in my dreams.
I'll stop feeling your hands
All over me.
I'll stop hearing
Your voice breaking through tears
Telling me you love me.

Maybe by next year
The scars from when
I locked myself in your bathroom
And tore myself apart
Will fade completely.
Maybe by next year
I'll actually be able
To say the word "****".
Dec 2016 · 443
Intermission
Liz Dec 2016
I'm not sure of anything,
Accept for the fact
That I need to get out of here
Before my mind snaps.

I'm questioning the way
I move and breathe and blink.
Is this okay?
What will you think?

I need to go home.
I need to take cover.
I need to find a strong roof
To hide for a while under.

But I have no home
Except for the one
In your arms.
The house I live in
Always feels dark.

I'm worried that I'll get lost
In the emptiness of
That big, lonely house.
I'll be trapped by the cold
With no way to get out.

So how will my mind
Decide to pass the time?
How will I stay sane
With so much room
To let my stupid thoughts loose?

I don't want to paint
I don't want to sing
I don't want to read
I don't want to write
What the hell will I do
With so much time?

I'll sleep for as long as I can
To avoid the inevitable
Toil in my lonely brain
Dec 2016 · 632
Fangs
Liz Dec 2016
I'm exhausted.
So ******* tired.
I wake up and feel
Hardly rested because
I spent all night
Pulling my teeth out
And bleeding from my mouth.

This ridiculous dream
Visits me so frequently,
Yet it never fails
To convince me of its reality.
It's impossible to speak
With bones knocked loose,
Making it hard to breathe.
Nov 2016 · 551
Bio 100
Liz Nov 2016
I feel so stuck in my brain
All the time.  
My life is not
My interaction with the world.
My life is my interaction
With my own mind.

My life is in
My thoughts and
Inner diologue,
Not in the way
I fit into the
Universal machine.

It goes on
And on without me.
I was part of the machine
For only a minute and
Once again I feel myself
Beginning to float
Into the distance.

I'm clinging to everything
On Earth I can find
Meaning in.
I'm holding onto
Love and fear
To try to keep
Myself on the ground.

Hold onto me
So I can feel some
Small security.
How can I be
So sensitive and
Struggle to feel
What's all around me?

Maybe I'll lay in the rain
And let it soak
Into my bones.
I'll be drenched in rain
When the wind blows in
And I become frozen
In the cold.

Then I'll set myself
On fire,
And maybe that's extreme,
But I'm desperate for relief,
To find what I need,
To feel human again.
Nov 2016 · 592
Left behind
Liz Nov 2016
Gone
gone
Gone

They're all
So far away now.
If only I could reach
Into the dark
That took you
And pull you back
From wherever you went.

Is it really better
Over there?
Show me what
I've been missing
And maybe God will let us
Trade places.

Do you regret what you did?
Would you take it all back
If I told you that
I'd bear the weight
Of your quick decisions for you?
Would you let me
**** myself
If it meant being
In your mothers arms again?
Nov 2016 · 6.2k
Patchwork
Liz Nov 2016
Light of my life,
The slings and arrows
Of outrageous fortune
Bloom a rose
In the deeps of my heart.

And so I came forth
But could not behold the stars.
The slings and arrows,
They trespassed upon my thoughts.

And I cried that I came
To this great stage of fools,
But it echoed loudly within me
Because I am hollow at the core.

That outward existence which conforms,
This inward life which questions
Confusion now hath made his masterpiece of.  

I don't exactly know
What I mean by that,
But I mean it.
This is made of quotes from some of my favorite pieces of literature
Nov 2016 · 1.1k
change
Liz Nov 2016
how do i look at myself
and say
"this is okay.
the way you feel,
the way you think,
is okay."

how do i stop
telling myself
that i've always been
and will always be
too much?

can i change the way
i feel about myself
without changing
who i am?

can i learn
to appreciate my bleeding heart
and overzealous mind?

god
please tell me
that this is how you made me
and that how i am
is okay to be.

god
touch my heart
and heal my eyes
so that i am at peace
with all the things
i can't stand to be.

how do i stop
wishing that everything
about me was different?
Nov 2016 · 1.8k
overturned rocks
Liz Nov 2016
i know what my problem is,
what my problem has always been.
i hate myself
in every way possible.

i hate the way i look
but thats just the surface.
i hate the way i think
and feel the most.

my mind twists everything
into an unrecognizable image
and tells me that this is the way
things are and have to be.

and i feel with such despair
that my heart renders
my mind useless
in the face of fear.

i can't talk myself
out of a panic
because my heart is so loud
that reason is lost in the sound.

so i hide my heart
and my mind
and i do what i can
about the way i look.

but it's not as easy
when my heart
and mind demand to be heard
when my composure
wears off at night.

then i turn into
the pathetic disaster
i've always been.
the mess of a person
that i've kept hidden.

and believe me,
i want to change.
because i know
that asking someone to love me
the way i am
is far too great a task.

who could look at a person
that screams curses
at the mirror with such relentless
sadness and hate
and decide to love them?
well i was hoping you could.

i don't know if that's
too much to ask,
for someone so beautiful
to love such a mess.

am i way
out of line
to wish that you
would hold me and tell me
that everything is fine?

should i leave such desires
for daydreams and poetry?
because my stupid heart
wants me to beg you
to stay and love me.
Nov 2016 · 1.2k
Hostage crisis
Liz Nov 2016
I don't want to be this way,
Scared and on edge,
With my heart
And my mind
Locked far away.

But what can I do?
I'm battling with
Logic and love
All while trying not to bleed
In front of you.

I'm sorry
That I'm not brave enough,
I'm not strong enough,
To leave behind
My defense mechanisms.

But if you just stay,
Maybe soon I'll stop
Being so afraid
Of what I have to say.  

If you keep holding me,
Maybe the chains
That bind me
To this weight of fear
Will dissolve slowly.

If you keep loving me,
I'll rip my heart out
And let you keep it.
Sorry if that's too gory.

Please keep loving me,
Because I can feel
The darkness
Beginning to recede.
I can feel myself
Opening to the love
I've been dying to receive.
Oct 2016 · 1.9k
hiding
Liz Oct 2016
deep inside me
there are words
that have been buried
under mountains of anxiety.

they make me sick
as i try to fight them,
hold them down,
keep them silent.

they're begging me
to uncover them,
to throw away fear
so they can breathe.

but i can't
i can't
i can't let them see the sun
its much too harsh for
how fragile they are
Oct 2016 · 3.3k
Pisces
Liz Oct 2016
Its back,
And I wish I could say
For one night only,
But the forecast shows
A messy week ahead of me.

Every day
The sun will burn bright
And a cool wind will
Bite my cheeks.

Every night
The sun will set
Like God dropped a bowling ball
And storm clouds
Will come rolling in.

The thunder will be deafening
With no lightning
To illuminate the blackness.
The rain will come in
Big, heavy drops
All at once.

No gradual crescendo.
No calming patter on rooftops.
Only a roar at my window
That will ****** me
To open it.

In the rumble
I can hear a whisper
Begging me to open
The floodgates and let the rain
Come rushing into my room.

Let it rise
Up the walls
Until I'm kissing the ceiling
Then sink to my bed,
Feeling content with my efforts.

I wrap the covers
Around me and lay my head down,
Passive to the water
Filling my lungs.
Comfortable in my
Burial at sea.

Don't worry though,
My room is still dry
And the window is closed.
But the latches are loose
And I'm not quick to repair.
Oct 2016 · 1.3k
Ice fishing
Liz Oct 2016
Where did I go?
How is it that I don't know
Where all the conscious parts of me
Have decided to take leave?

My mind has floated
To the corners of space
And left my hollow body
Wandering in its place.

It's looking for
What used to dwell inside.
But it seems this thing,
My mind,
Has decided to hide.

It sounds crazy
But at least some part of me
Has always been floating freely.

Now all of me is gone
And I'm realizing I cannot be,
I cannot live
In two places at once.

I'm trying to pluck myself
Out of the vastness
I've been losing myself in
And return that self
To my body.

But is there any way to do this
Without causing harm?
Without wounding myself
And those I love?
Is there any way
To tie myself down
That does not require pain?

If there is,
I'd like to know how.
Oct 2016 · 1.1k
Sensory deprivation
Liz Oct 2016
I keep trying to bring myself back
From wherever my mind is
And put myself back in my body,
Back in this world.
But it doesn't seem to be working.

I wander outside
And name everything
I can see or hear.
In an attempt to make some connection
To the physical world around me.
But I can't.

I run my fingers through grass,
Study leaves closely,
Stick my hands in frigid water,
But still nothing is able
To bring my mind out of the hole
It's fallen into.

Talking to someone,
Being around people,
Maybe that would force me out
Of my mind and into real life.
It's a shame I'm so alone though.

The only other thing
I can think of
That could maybe help me
Reconnect with reality
Would bring more disturbance
To my already distressed state.

But it's so tempting
Oct 2016 · 1.3k
Burden girl pt. 3
Liz Oct 2016
How would one go about
Saying that they
Hate themselves
Without sounding too pathetic
Or melodramatic?
Asking for a friend.
Sep 2016 · 805
Mute
Liz Sep 2016
Why can't I write anymore?
I finally have something to say.
For the first time in months
I have something inside me
Begging to get out.
I have a weight
That compels me to speak
That needs to be communicated.

But my writing is all ****.
It's all the same now.
I can't think of
Anything new to say
Even though I feel the need
To put a pen to paper
And let the thing
That's been giving me headaches
Every night
Have its turn to speak.

What is it you want to say?
Demon?
Monster? Ghost?
Whatever you are,
You're taking up too much space.
So say what you need to
And leave me again.

Are you trying to tell me
That you're lonely?
That you're tired?
That you're bored?

What the ****
Do you want me to do?
I'm just as powerless as you.
Sep 2016 · 777
Braille
Liz Sep 2016
I could memorize your freckles.
Where each is exactly
And how many you have.

I could kiss your lips
A thousand times
And feel my cheeks burn
With each.

I could run my hands
Through your soft hair,
Feeling each curl
Like silk between my fingers.

I could stay in your arms
For as long as you'll let me,
Absorbing the security
I've been trying to find everywhere.

I could forge
These tactile memories,
These sensations I could experience
All over again
If I just close my eyes.

If I just close my eyes
And breathe deeply
It's almost as if
I can feel you again.

I feel your ghost on my lips,
Your shadow embraces me,
Your echoe holds my hand
And I pray to be close to you again.

I count the seconds
Until my tactile memories
Become concrete
And I can feel you,
Not your ghost
Or shadow
Or echoe,
Making me wish
For more time.
I've become what I hate. What the hell
Sep 2016 · 868
Walks
Liz Sep 2016
I find myself pacing
Or staring at nothing,
While i can't slow my thinking
Or find a pattern in my breathing.

I'm no less lost
Than I was last month,
And no less terrified
Than when I broke
All the promises
I had made to myself.

My tiny room
Can't hold me
For too long.
My expansive thoughts
Bounce off the walls
And back into me
Until I decide to
Find some place open to think.

And I walk all alone
I lay in dark open fields
Or on benches by water,
Hoping my thoughts will get lost
In the landscape
And forget to return to my head.

My eyes fill with anxiety
As I forget to breathe.
I make sure no one
Can see me
Than I let the anxiety
flooding my eyes roll down my cheeks.

The cold breeze
Reminds me to breathe
And I'm back in the grass
Hoping you're thinking about me.
Sep 2016 · 815
"out damned spot"
Liz Sep 2016
I'm too tired to look up
From my hands.
On them I see pictures
Like movies
Playing scenes I know i've seen.

My hands remind me of things
That once entranced me
But now seem like distant memories.
Memories that don't even
Belong to me.

Now the silent films
I watch on my palms
Hold me hypnotized.
Almost like the things
I watch on my hands
Which enamored me before.

But now my eyes
Have grown exceptionally heavy.
I can't divert my gaze
To any other projection
Or distraction.

My eyes are locked.
Stuck watching me
Mishandle myself without consideration
For the life that burned in me.

All i can do
is wait for my
eyes to close.
hopefully soon
Sep 2016 · 1.3k
Blushing heart
Liz Sep 2016
My heart is embarassing.
It bleeds and cries
And loves too strongly
For it's own good.

It loves as if
It has never been broken,
As if it has forgotten
The countless times
It's been left bruised
And bloodied,
Half alive.

It loves so unconditionally
That I've let myself
Be tossed to the wind
And returned to the ground
At the whims of mere memories.

It loves so pathetically
That I do all I can
To make sure my love
Does not come spilling
Out of my mouth
For onlookers to see.

I keep my passions
And my aches away from the world
So that I don't overwhelm
Everyone else
With the love that overwhelms me.

I can't just say how I feel
I can't just open my gates
Because as much as you would like to believe
That everything inside me is beautiful,
It's as ugly as anything could ever be.

I can't just let you know
How pathetically
Embarrassingly
Ridiculously
In love with you I am.

What if you don't feel the same?
That's a stupid question
I'm sorry
I know no one could ever love me
With the sadness I love them
Sep 2016 · 708
Cracked
Liz Sep 2016
Help
I can't get out
I'm stuck in my skull
With only a window

My words
Are stuck in my throat
Blocking the air

My reach is stuck
In my elbows
Wrapping my arms
Around my shoulders

Are you a prisoner
In your own body?
Can you see
Me in chains?

if you drank my tears
maybe you'd taste the things
i cant say
because these tears are the same
as the ones I cry inside my mind

They're not liars like the rest of me
So drink up
And let me free
Aug 2016 · 610
premature cry
Liz Aug 2016
The past few nights
Your touch has tantalized my mind.
The way you feel against me
Leaves me shaking
Unable to keep from crying.

Not because it hurts
Or because it burns me.
But because your touch is so sweet
I can't help but fear
That one day it will be ripped from my reach.

And this terror i feel
Is not your fault,
I have scars that still sting
And bruises that don't fade.

They remind of the ones who left them,
Who left me.
They remind me
That you could do the same.

I hate the ones who left them
And I hate myself for still feeling their pain.
And letting their pain grow evergreen
In my brain.

They cut me deep
And i cant stop the bleeding.
They cut me so deep
I felt it fitting
To cut myself too.

I hate that i'm like this.
I hate that i can't just let go
Of all the memories
That broke my heart repeatedly.

If you knew what i felt,
You wouldn't feel the same.
If you could see me right now
Ugly crying and gasping for air,
You'd want nothing to do with me.

You said you love me
But how do you know?
Would you still love me
If i told you that i can't sleep
With your memory so fresh in my head?

I know what you'd say,
Something about me having to work on it.
And i know that
I know that this anxiety is something
That only i can dispel.

But validation
reassurance
a tight embrace
would make it so much easier
for me to look at your face
and not feel my heart ripping itself to shreds.

So keep telling me you love me
Keep holding me close
Keep kissing me
Just tell me everything will be okay
even if its a lie
even if it'll only calm my tides for a day
Aug 2016 · 601
Prophecy
Liz Aug 2016
That first night
You didn't touch me
You didn't kiss me
I thought you couldn't care less

Then you touched my waist
And kissed my lips
And I couldn't help
But come back for more

To be yours
Wasn't what I intended
To feel so alone without you
Was never the plan

You were supposed to be
A passing thought
A stitch for my broken heart
The kind that disolve
When no longer needed

How did you catch me
Like a mouse in a trap
I am small and weak
And you are all too enticing

Now I'm terrified
Losing my mind
Because I'm too familiar
With what happens
When my heart shows its passions

Baby please
Don't hurt me
I don't think I could take
Another fall
Not from a height so tall

Don't prove me
And my tragic mind right
I want nothing more
Than to see that famous light

The one that people are drawn to
The one that I thought I saw
But ended up being another
Deep dark black hole after all

I don't want to be so stupid
As to be hopeful again
But i can't help praying
This dream doesn't end

So baby
Don't hurt me
I'm much more fragile
Than I seem

Prone to bruising
And scarring
I might as well
Start tying my own noose

Because I know the truth
Of what is to come
But knowing won't make it
Hurt any less than I expect

Im begging you
Please
Don't drop me from
Your precious mind

Don't make me
Take my hands
And lose them in
My hair

Just keep me close
Pretend to care
When I cry
At least tell me
Things will be alright

I'm in over my head
But that's nothing new
And I should have known
Not to get too close to you

But here we are
And I need you to see
That I've accidentally
Given you the power
To **** me

Be mindful of your strength
And the way which words
Roll off your tongue
Because I'll take every one
As a sign of what is to come

Be gentle with me
Handle with care
Because I have a habit
Of caring too much
And I'm trying not to
I swear

I'm trying not to let you
And your beautiful face
Affect me so deeply
To strike me so true

But I'll pick up
On the tiny ways
Your voice will change
When you decide
I'm too much
And you've had enough

Don't hurt me
The way I imagine you will
I know you can see
The terror in me

So do your best
To **** me with ease
Make it fast
Make it painless
Make me want it

Do something so despicable
That I **** you instead
**** us

I know you won't
But I can only dream
It's the only way
To lessen the inevitable pain

Otherwise
Just hold me
Tight so I feel safe
Close so I can hear your heart
Hopefully it wants me
Just as mine wants to stay alive
Jul 2016 · 1.3k
time bomb bucket list
Liz Jul 2016
i sometimes think
that i've defeated the reaper
that lives in my finger tips.
the reaper that commandeered my hands
and made them weapons of
self destruction.

he lies dormant
long enough to convince me
that he's found another home.  
but he takes me hostage
every now and again
to remind me he's here.

i forgot the thoughts
of an early death
and lived like i was planning
for next year.
i've been expecting a future
that i'm not sure exists.

but the reaper has made me
recall the consideration
that i may not be fit to live
a life as long as i would like.

as of right now
i have no plans to interrupt this life
with eternal sleep.
but i cannot promise
that in some time
the reaper will not convince me.

so while he sleeps
while i still have time
theres so much
i need to do before i die.

i need to feel love
without the fear
of that love being expunged.
i need to find my God
whether he be the one
i've been shown or not.

i want so badly
to look at myself
the same way
i look at a flower.
i want so badly to see
what others say they see in me.

i've always wanted
to be something good.
a good daughter,
lover,
friend.

and i have this desire
to help where i can
and not need any myself.
i want to matter
in a life besides my own
and hold value above my worth.

i don't want to
be a burden anymore.
i don't want to be
a pressing responsibility on anybody.
i don't want the few i love
to feel obligated to pick me out of
my own disasters.

i worry i won't fulfill
these aspirations in time.
the reaper will wake
and take control again
this time with the force
of ten thousand men.

ten thousand men
wielding my hands
instead of swords.
they turn my hands against me
as they had been turned before.

this time i will not survive.
such an incredible might
will devour and destroy
this fragile self i defend.

but what does it matter
what i want?
theres so much more
things that are so much bigger
than the desires of a deranged
little girl
Jul 2016 · 1.5k
Burden girl pt.2
Liz Jul 2016
I'm so sorry
I'm
So *******
Sorry
That I'm not as resilient
As I wish I could be

I'm so
**** sorry
That the world
And all its insignificant strings
Affect me so deeply

Even just simple sounds
And familiar sights
Make me feel like
I'm losing my
******* mind

I don't mean to
Cry so much
But it's almost like
My eyes don't care
What you think
Of me

I choke on tears
I hold them tightly
Inside me
And they knock
On the inside
Of my skull

They want to be
Free
They want to
Fall on your
Shoulders
And drench your
Shirt

They want to be
Seen
And heard
And loved
Just like
Me

I'll admit it
Because it's all
I have
This desire to be held
And understood
Unconditionally

Even as I write
As I type
My tears drip
Silently
Onto your bed

****
Why can't i
Keep them inside me
With the rest of the
Thoughts
I can't begin
To speak

They're so stupid
And so am I
For wanting to
Exist without question
Without depression

I'm so stupid
To want to be
Loved

To want to be
Secure
In your hands
And heart

In your mind
And in your bed
Would be heavenly

Like the way
You kiss me
Heavenly

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm
So
Sorry
That I'm such a
Stupid baby
Jul 2016 · 499
Broken record
Liz Jul 2016
I'm getting weaker by the hour
And the passage of time
Speeds faster and faster.

I built walls in my mind
To keep my worries
And sorrows confined.

Now they're falling down,
My fear is overflowing,
And I can't find solid ground.

Stop telling me what helped you,
Stop telling me what I should do,
Because you don't know the depth of this flood.

Stop telling me it's easy to find land
Because you can make your own sand.
I can't and I don't think I ever will.

For just one second
Please listen to me when I say
That I can't ******* breathe.

Telling me there's air all around
Will not force it into my lungs
And bring me back from the brink of death.

And when I say
I'm terrified,
It's not an invitation
For a lesson in bravery.

When I say I'm scared
It's not because I don't understand
Everything that's going on.

I understand just fine.
But understanding that the sun shines
Is not what makes it rise.

Stop telling me things
That I already know.
Stop telling me things
That are of no use.
And stop making my pain
About you.

I'm not as stupid
As you might think.
But being filled with knowledge
Doesn't mean I won't sink.

I'm not as blind
As you may believe.
You keep telling me to open my eyes
But I already see just fine
And clarity of vision
Is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge,
And I know you know
What that means.
So for the love of all that is holy
Stop pushing me.

You might think I can fly
But I already know I can't.
You might say
That you'll catch me.
But the arms of another
Are not what I need.

So next time you see tears in my eyes,
And it won't be far off,
Don't speak.
Don't preach.
Just listen
And hold me.

You don't know me
Like you think you do.
And I'm sure if you did,
You wouldn't want to.

I'm fragile and dark
Like a tree that's been burned.
I'm not the blooming flower
That I pretend to be.

And you would know that by now
If you were silent
And let me speak.

I've been quiet my whole life
And maybe that's part of the reason
I'm constantly overwhelmed.

I have so much to say
And no one to listen.
No one to open their ears
And hear me scream.

My screams have always been inward,
Echoing inside me.
If I could just let them out
Maybe they would stop killing me.

It's so loud inside my head
That most of the time
I wish I was dead.

But if I could take that volume
And let it disolve into the air,
Maybe I could sleep soundly
And stop running in my dreams.

So if you really want to help
And if you really care,
Please stop rambling about things
That won't bring my empty lungs air.
UUUUUGHHHHHHH
Jul 2016 · 893
Bitter
Liz Jul 2016
Some nights are fine.
But some nights,
Your face is all I can see
When I close my eyes.

You said that day
Haunts you,
But do you lose sleep
Like I do?

How many consecutive days
Have you stayed inside
Because you were too terrified
To go anywhere on your own?

When you walk to class,
Do you keep your head down
And your eyes on your feet
In fear that I might show up?

Do you need four million volts
In your bag at all times
Just to feel something close
To safe?

Do you cringe
When you think of me?
Do you still feel me
In your grips?

Did you find someone
To care about you?
Someone you care about too?
Can you ******* tears
When they kiss you?
Does it leave a guilty taste
On your lips
The way you left bruises on my hips?

When you hold them close
Are you reminded of the way
You held me throat?

Does your skin crawl
When they touch you,
Because no matter how close
You're dying to be
How loved you want to feel
You can't get rid of the memory of me?

No. Of course not.
You're not haunted.
You don't know what it's like
To have the ghost of someone
Who stole your sense of self
Live inside your mouth.
You don't know
What you did,
And I don't think you ever will.
But I hope one day
Someone makes you feel as small
As you made me feel.
Jul 2016 · 1.9k
Chicken shit
Liz Jul 2016
i swallowed my fear,
ignored my sadness,
laughed off my self loathing,
and danced on the edges of my instability.

now I'm sick to my stomach
with a growing tremble that demands
I pay attention.
my jokes have gotten old
and i can no longer pretend
i don't have two left feet.

i've been traversing this landscape
with my eyes closed,
and so far my steps have been lucky.
so lucky, to any onlooker
it might seem I can see just fine.

finally the reality of the situation
has found its way to my heart
and my hands.
i'm wandering alone,
bare to elements
and completely blind.

the late onset of my panic
could be a product of shock.
i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off
for the past three months.

for three months i've been
burying any negative feeling
or thought
deep inside this decaptitated body of mine.

but holy hell,
i'm bleeding out
and the shock has worn off.
my eyes are open to vastness
that is unfolding in front of me,
and i'm still just as lost.
I'm sorry my titles are so stupid
Jul 2016 · 992
Martian
Liz Jul 2016
I have the whole universe
Inside of me.
And dear god,
I'm lost in space.

I'm drowning in this
Lack of gravity.
And my lungs are collapsing
From all the pressure the cosmos create.

I keep getting caught
In the tangled webs of galaxies
I do not wish to be.
I keep getting too close
To stars that burn too bright.

I see planets in the distance.
They have beautiful rings
And multitudes of moons.
They draw my gaze but that is all.

I don't know how to navigate
In this infinite abyss.
I don't know how to propel myself
In the directions of these alluring planets.

If only it were as easy as wishing
On a shooting star.
Because I pass them
And they pass me daily.

If only I had slept
With the windows closed.
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