My therapist says i need to be honest
i need to tell everyone the truth
about how i feel
what goes through my mind.

im so lonely and distant
and the only way to get close
is to be honest.
but i cant
im not sure why i cant

i cant tell him how im dying inside
i smile and blow a kiss
but i have killed myself a thousand times
in my mind

"surface relationships"
thats what she calls them
doctor know it all
doctor get inside my head
doctor please fix me

maybe im just a freak
she tells me not to say that
but the idea of letting someone see  my pain
is so terrifying

anyone whose seen me bleed
tried to stitch me up
stop the gore
or brush me off

and i cant do it again
i cant get close
once i do
they disappear
even if they didnt want to
they were gone

and sometimes im the one who leaves
i dont know why that is either
because im just a freak

i bat my lashes
and put on my red lipstick
smile and laugh
like a babbling idiot
when all i want to do is die
and i dont know why

Socially stupid
My pure intentions are useless
I’m a good friend frozen still
Struck silent by a fear of being a nuisance

I understand if you don’t want me around
I don’t know what to say
Or when to say it
I don’t know how to act
Or when to laugh

I just know that we could help each other
I wanna grow with you
I get emotional thinking of all the beautiful things we could do
But I’m a ******* loser
And you’re just to cool

I don’t want to seem too desperate
To eager to get close to you
I just miss how we used to laugh
I miss how we used to scream at the night
Singing and spinning until we were half asleep

Socially stupid
Cordially illiterate
Friendship-less

My saving grace,
This holy place.
You vandalize my sanctuary,
And burn me into ash.

I know what you do,
I remember how we met.
It makes me sick,
To think you'd go back.

i showed you every part of me,
And all you did was leave.
How could this all change,
Just within a week.
The first real thing you've ever had,
And the last heartbreak I'll ever have.

I swear to god,
This won't happen again.
I swear on my life,
No one's getting in.

I tried so ******* hard,
To be the one.
To make you stay.
While your guilt eats you away,
Remember to hold your head.

I'm too young to be like this,
God save me.
I don't care how or when,
Please got just let it end.

I showed you every part of me,
Saw the scars.
Heard the screams.
How did this all change,
Please tell me what went wrong.
The first real thing you've ever had,
The last heartbeat I'll ever have.

Wake up
Wake up
I'm up
I'm up
I'm awake

Slipping in and out
Sober
High
Sober
High
I have to stay here

I have no thoughts
When I'm high
Sober
High
I'm up
I'm up
Wake up

Infatuation seeps into me
And spills away.
A constant flow of desire,
It goes as fast as it comes.

You're a distraction that I don't mind losing myself in.
You're a beautiful view from my grey window.
A peripheral pleasure.

I try to keep you out of my mind
When you're out of my sight,
But you've found me in my sleep.
I keep wondering if I've made my way into yours.

And when you're in sight, you encapsulate my mind.
I let you dominate the few senses through which I can experience you
And I fantasize about how you could appeal to the senses that haven't experienced you.

The pressure behind my eyes swells
Like the tide under a full moon.
Waves crack against my rocky shores
And shatter over me.
Shards wash away
But most stay lodged in my bleeding heart.

And I love you anyway.
I love you despite your inconsistency
and insensitivity.
I love you even though
I can't stand too close
Without feeling worthless.
I love you even though
You're radioactive.

I love you despite the fact that you never
Held me the way I needed you to.
You were never there
The way I was there for you.
When I needed you the most,
You looked into my crying eyes
And walked away.
But I love you anyway.

I needed you a lot
And maybe I was too clingy.
But maybe i wouldn't have held
Onto you so tightly
If I could be sure you would be there
When I reached for you.

You always knew
That I would drop anything
And everything to be there for you.
But you never gave me that security.
Still, I love you

I love you even though
I can't be sure of
Who you are anymore.
You used to show me how you felt
You used to let me know.
But you've become so robotic
I'm not sure you feel a thing anymore.
And I love you.

You used to smile
You used to laugh
Now your eyes are empty
Except for racing calculations.
Always thinking
Never feeling.

You're barely human anymore,
Just a machine
That won't stop spewing
And fixing things that aren't broken.
Yet, I love you.

And you wonder why
Your friends are gone
You wonder why you feel so alone.
You won't reach anyone
Where they need to be felt.

And I love more than anything.
I love you like I might die tomorrow.
I love you even though you don't love me anymore.
I love you even though you broke promises you never made.
I love you even though you don't deserve my love anymore.

I've been laying in bed for hours
Pretending you were still here
With your arms wrapped around me
Whispering how much you love me
In my ear

I do this every night
Curl up to your ghost
Pretend you never left
Because I needed you the most

And I still need you
Because every day it gets harder to breathe
You filled my lungs with air
I didn't want to leave

But it hurt too much to be without you
And I knew love was dangerous
But just like you said
It's socially acceptable madness

Well I'm out of my mind
Completely off the rails
But it never bothered you
And I let this love fail

Grayness swells and burns as ice
Coldness fills hollow creeks
My mindless ghost of a shell
But drifts ever so quietly

Ghostly shells as mine
Follow the current
Follow the breeze
Too weak to fight
To swim upstream

Now I am told the sun returns
But will it return without help?
Without artificial dawn?
Will this dusk be everlasting?
Never reaching devil's hour
And never returning to shiny morning

My ghost ever mourning
A loss of some unfamiliar friend
Sick for a home that has never existed
I forever dwell on my oscillating waking

The tests say 98% neurotic.
The doctor says I'm just passionate.
My parents say I'm too sensitive.
Lovers say I'm too clingy.
I say I'm just ******* crazy.

I feel everything so deeply.
Love is so instense.
Fear is crippling.
Pain is paralyzing.
Joy is euphoria.

Maybe I'm too passionate,
Or emotional,
Or sensitive,
Or whatever.
But I know one thing,
That I'm deeply,
Madly,
Cripplingly,
And euphorically,
In love with you.

26 is 17
But only more alone.
This time your mom isn’t downstairs cooking,
Your dad isn’t just pulling into the driveway,
And your brother isn’t home for the summer.

26 is thinking that all the pain was worth it
Because it pushed you into his arms
Where you know you’re meant to stay forever.

26 is wishing that you learned your lesson
When you were 17,
When your mothers arms were only a staircase away
And she could have held you
While you found out who you were
And who you wanted to be.

26 is splitting up the record collection,
Asking him if he wants you to bring home boxes from work,
Wondering how you’re going to be able to look at the empty space where his guitars used to be
And continue to breathe.

26 is back to square one.
It’s 17 without the excuse of adolescence.
It’s 17 without a best friend to cry with.
It’s 17 in a lonely apartment that’s only getting lonelier.

You wrote songs for me,
You’d give everything for my heart.
A month went by,
We could no longer stand being apart.

You made the trip to see me,
And took my breath with your kiss.
We were so in love,
How the hell did it come to this?

You knew I was weak,
And couldn’t stand being alone.
Without you nothings right,
You were my only home.

I got scared when the night came,
I needed you so bad, and you weren’t there.
Sitting here tearing myself apart.
Screaming prayers but I knew you wouldn’t care.

You weren’t there and it broke my heart,
You promised me you’d always be.
You said you were going to get me out of here.
You said you still loved me but I couldn’t see.

I thought love was supposed to heal,
And for a while it did.
If this is love, how could it hurt so bad?
I told you to leave, you said “take care of yourself kid”.

And you’re probably right,
It wasn’t our time.
But how could I “take care”
When you weren’t mine?

It came down to the fact
Being with you hurt just as bad
As being without you.
I’m trying to forget everything we had.

Because the memories are what hurt the most,
We were kids high from love, some stupid kid.
I need to forget so I can live again,
But life won’t be the same, if we end up like this.

You made me say “forever”,
When you said “always”.
I still hope forever will happen,
I really thought it would end up that way.

Maybe I’ve been stupid,
Just some heartbroken fool.
A naïve idiot,
But now I cry at school.
I can’t get through a day,
Without wishing you were here.
Without feeling so lost I can’t breathe.
I know I ****** it up with my fear.

“Don’t beat yourself up”,
But I’m overcome with guilt.
Beating myself up is what I do best.
I thought I could stop it with the wall I built.

But you got in my veins,
I don’t know how it happened.
I was so careful,
But this is the end.

Isn’t it?
Or will you be back?
Please keep your promise,
I need it so bad.

I need stability,
But this love is ******* crazy.
Euphoria and pain,
But it’ll be okay, maybe?

How is that possible?
To have a voice so sweet?
Just when you speak to me,
Without any special meaning,
You could sing me to sleep.

Every word has a chime
As it rolls off your tongue.
And when they fall together
As you read your poetry,
It becomes
Some of the most beautiful music
I've ever had the pleasure
Of hearing.

You must be an angel,
Because you have a voice
That could make any nonbeliever
Bow down and repent
If you read them aloud
A simple scripture.

That voice makes me blush
When you tell me sweet nothings.
I can't help but smile
And feel like a child
Who's heard the ocean
For the first time.

The waves crash
Just like your voice.
Beautiful creations
Crafted by nature,
That bring me ease
When I get the chance to listen.

I'm sorry I'm staring
But it's the best I can do,
When I'm this far away
And can't touch you
Or kiss you.

I'd believe anything
That came from your mouth,
That's why I blush when you tell me
That you think I'm pretty.
If you say it,
It must be true,
And I've never believed it
Until I heard it from you.

A voice so calming
Is a gift from heaven,
And God cannot create lies.
Now I have no choice
But to feel warm inside,
Because you spoke to me
With truths that I could never see
If it weren't from you.

It's a darkness that surrounds you.
It covers your eyes,
And swims in your ears.
To keep you from seeing light,
Or hearing laughter.

Instead you see everything
In a dull and dark way.
Colors are no longer vibrant,
And lines seem to be blurred.
There is no more beauty in a sunset,
Or majesty in the ocean.
It's just water now.

And every sound is muffled now.
You can't differentiate your favorite song
From any other anymore.
The sound of laughter is more bitter than sweet.
Every song is the same bleak humm.
And laughter just makes me wish I was deaf.

The darkness even dulls touch.
A kiss doesn't make your heart beat fast anymore.
And contact seems nauseating.
A kiss is just a reminder
That nothing good lasts.
And most other interaction makes my skin crawl.

But now the darkness is in your brain.
In here, sometimes it's not dull at all.
Sometimes the darkness
Takes the shape of a monster.
A monster that whispers terrible things
And just gets louder when you try not to listen.
Sometimes the darkness
Feels like war inside your mind.

But yes, again, the darkness is dull.
Sometimes there is no monster,
No war,
And no yelling at all.
Sometimes when the darkness gets in your mind,
It becomes a silence.
I can't make out a clear thought,
Because all there is
Is silence.
The darkness takes the shape
Of death.
The silence, the nothingness of death.
And it becomes part of you,
Making your mind nothing but silence
And nothingness.

But the worst part about the darkness
Is my inability to communicate its existence.
I can't make anyone understand
The many shapes it can take.
How it can be torturous and loud
But comfortable just the same.

It's easy to talk about the monster,
Because it's something foreign and
Something present.
But everything else,
The dullness of senses
And the silence it becomes,
Can't be expressed.
Because in these forms,
The darkness is absence of life.
It's absence of color,
Sound,
Touch,
And thought.

And it's so hard to paint a picture
Of something that isn't even there.
I can paint a picture of a monster
With ****** teeth and devilish eyes.
But I cannot paint the nothingness
The darkness so often is.

And to me, nothingness is the most dangerous.
I can fight a monster.
But I cannot fight nothing.
Nothingness will swallow you.
It will take over your senses
And thoughts,
And eventually will to live.

Life is colorful.
Life should be loud.
Life should be funny.
And sometimes painful.
But when the silence,
The nothingness arrives,
There is no color.
There is no sound.
No laughter.
Or even pain.
There is no life at all.

Hurricanes as mine
Destroy without remorse
Terrorizing hearts
Making people run

But never once has someone
Held me
Told me I was safe

When my shelter crumbled
And clouds came rolling in
You were my safety

deep inside me
there are words
that have been buried
under mountains of anxiety.

they make me sick
as i try to fight them,
hold them down,
keep them silent.

they're begging me
to uncover them,
to throw away fear
so they can breathe.

but i can't
i can't
i can't let them see the sun
its much too harsh for
how fragile they are

I wish I could believe you,
But I worry that sincerity cannot cross oceans.
And you can’t pack it up,
And send it home to me.

I wish I could keep my cheeks dry,
But I’m withering and wilting
And my eyes insist on self-watering.

I wish I knew how to tell you
That my lungs are stuck in my throat
And my eyes are swollen and sore,
Without it sounding like an accusation.

I wish that your absence
Wasn’t accompanied by heartache,
But I feel sick with desperation.

I wish you needed me
Even half as much as I need you,
But I’m as indispensable as an inkless pen.

I wish that my suffering
Mattered more to you than this expedition,
But I suppose that my suffering is steadfast
And no longer notable.

I wish you’d come home
I wish you’d never left
I wish you’d never leave again.

I can't breathe
Every gasp of air reminds me of the ones he stole from me
I wish music could make me smile like before
But every song is about him.
I want to play guitar
But I hear his voice in every chord.
I tried to draw
But the only thing these hands could create
Were the words "I need you".
I tried to sing
But my voice shook with the fear of losing a love.
I can't even go outside
Because it reminds me of how I left you.
And I really tried not to hurt myself
But I needed to carve your name into my skin.
And I can't seem to stop the tears.
I think it's my body trying to drown itself
Because it knows it's had enough
It knows I've had enough
I don't deserve to be with you
And the only sounds my voice can muster are
I'm sorry

I'm holding my breath.
But I don't know for what anymore.
Oh my god I can't breathe.
You've takin all the good parts of me,
My lungs won't work,
And my heart always hurts.
But I keep holding on,
I still pray this isn't the end.
I still want what we always said,
Just me and you far away
And the world can't stop us now.

But for right now,
I can't ******* breathe.

Seeing red,
I follow the glow
Like a beacon in the distance,
True north to follow course
Through insipid suffering.

Smoke in my nose
Blackening my lungs
With armor forged from ash and ember,
The scent wakes me
Like epinephrine through asystole.

Rage rings my head like a bell,
Drawing me out of my corner.
I crave carnage,
Foaming at the mouth
In an empty ring,
A spectacle of desperation.

My senses all ablaze,
I feel I’ve earned the privilege
To bask in the exaltation
Of resonating wrath.

Finally indulging in justified indignation,
Giving myself a break
From despondent self-flagellation,
I am not ready to give up the pleasure
Of pulsating apoplexy.

I let fury singe away my pitiful defeatism,
My pathetic victimhood,
But I am warned
That while attempting to thaw
From hypothermic quadriplegia,
One may find the seduction of self-immolation
Too persuasive to deny.

But I know my limits,
I tell myself.
I’ll stop when I want to.
I’ll know when I’ve had enough.

I swear I will stay vigilant,
Taking my temperature,
Checking my pulse.
I will not let this righteous ire
Burn out of control.

I don't want to be this way,
Scared and on edge,
With my heart
And my mind
Locked far away.

But what can I do?
I'm battling with
Logic and love
All while trying not to bleed
In front of you.

I'm sorry
That I'm not brave enough,
I'm not strong enough,
To leave behind
My defense mechanisms.

But if you just stay,
Maybe soon I'll stop
Being so afraid
Of what I have to say.  

If you keep holding me,
Maybe the chains
That bind me
To this weight of fear
Will dissolve slowly.

If you keep loving me,
I'll rip my heart out
And let you keep it.
Sorry if that's too gory.

Please keep loving me,
Because I can feel
The darkness
Beginning to recede.
I can feel myself
Opening to the love
I've been dying to receive.

The external spills in.
A visage of the outside materializes on my reflective psyche.
And through the mirror,
The external reaches into me and forces me to tremble
And wail in unison with it.

Could I bend and manipulate the projected image?
Could I make it beautiful and weak
So that it cannot take hold of me and exploit this marionette body?
Or should I simply sever my strings?
So the impression cannot control me,
But only beg for my compliance.

And what if my will aligns with that of the terrible specter's?
I fear I may be too willing
To do the harm it bids me.

A hug is so rare
The kind that can make you smile
And make you feel safe.

When I open up my thoughts and confide in you,
I'm not looking for a solution,
Or for anyone to fix me
I'm looking for a hug.

Because like you said
You're not my psychiatrist
Not my husband
You're just a boy.

And boys will come and go
None of them can fix me
I have to fix me
But all I wanted was a hug

Wanted to feel safe
Wanted to know you cared
But if you can't do that
Than I guess this is where we must part
And I will miss you.

I will miss dancing in your basement
Playing with your gecko
Listening to your thoughts
And what you have to say

Sometimes you don't make sense
But that's okay because it makes sense to you
And if you need someone to listen
I'll be here
And if you ever need a hug
I guess I'll show you the compassion
That you couldn't show me

Slow Sadness, hello again.
Sometimes I miss you
When I overtake lucidity
On my ascension to indulgence.

Sometimes when my thoughts
Vacate my body
And spin around me like a mobile in the wind,
I crave your stillness,
Be it in aching obscurity.

So your meanderings have caught up with mine
And I will lie down in surrender to your encumbrance.
Contentedly, I find amusement in the sound
Of my bones snapping like toothpicks,
Breaking like dry twigs under your pressure,
Allowing paralysis to saturate me.

Motionless, I feel the pain
While rejoicing in the reprieve from
My manic pursuit of pleasure.
Now, the exigency of ecstasy
Cannot possess me like a puppet
And send me in search of titillating trouble.

And each time you find me
Reeling about in madness,
I see the lasso being thrown
And I wait in repose
To be snared by your rope.

I will follow you back
To wherever it is you call home
And acquiesce to your suppression
With satisfaction in my eyes.

For each time we meet,
I pray it is our last congress.
Every time you come to me
I throw down my defenses
And angle my head under your shadow
Hoping that the impact will be swift.

I lean into the assault,
Spun out like a top
Ready for the spinning to stop.
I beg you, be heavy
And fall with precision
So that this oscillation may end.

I do not have the stomach
To stand another turn
Around the wheel of my own whim.
My eyes get more crossed
And my hair more tangled
Each time around
This cycle of survival.

So, Sadness, welcome.
Stop playing with your dinner
And **** me like you mean it.
I will aid in the slaying
As much as I am able.
I will prime myself for sacrifice
Like a fawn in a frenzy
And point you to the soft spots
So you can do the digging.

Where did I go?
How is it that I don't know
Where all the conscious parts of me
Have decided to take leave?

My mind has floated
To the corners of space
And left my hollow body
Wandering in its place.

It's looking for
What used to dwell inside.
But it seems this thing,
My mind,
Has decided to hide.

It sounds crazy
But at least some part of me
Has always been floating freely.

Now all of me is gone
And I'm realizing I cannot be,
I cannot live
In two places at once.

I'm trying to pluck myself
Out of the vastness
I've been losing myself in
And return that self
To my body.

But is there any way to do this
Without causing harm?
Without wounding myself
And those I love?
Is there any way
To tie myself down
That does not require pain?

If there is,
I'd like to know how.

It seems you were always a boat
A source of relief while I drown
We sailed in the sun
Drift in the breeze

But somehow I fell overboard
And you kept drifting without me
Oh please don't let me drown

I'm choking
My eyes are burning from the salt
Just throw me a ******* rope

i think i'm a horrible person,
i do some ****** up ****.
i wish i could do better,
but i'm in too deep to quit.

When I told you to leave
I meant please just stay with me
I don't want to go back
To feeling so alone
But you left me on my own

The first time I ever saw you cry
And I thanked God you were mine
But the fear came on fast
I couldn't even say goodbye
How did it feel to see me die

If I open my mouth
I'll only beg for love
So I sit here quiet
Catching my breath
There's so many things
I wish I had said

You lingered here for a while
At the bottom of my steps
How did it feel
Leaving me with nothing left
Did it **** you inside
Did it make you feel alive

I hope you can't sleep
I hope my face stays stuck in your head
I hope you take back all the things you said
You come running back and begging for me

But your probably moving on
Like we never happened
Like we never met
I bet you wish you never said hello
I hope it hurts to watch me go

I hope you can't breathe
When you see me happy
I hope you choke
On the thought of me with someone else
You had once chance
Your ruined it for yourself
Don't bother coming back

My couch is a wasteland,
Pulls me down, I cannot stand.
It scares me that I’m drawn to gore,
I see destruction, I want more.
I don’t know if its anger,
Or if it’s something stranger.
I want to shatter glass,
I need to make this feeling pass.
I want to throw things and scream,
I want to get out of this dream.
Running isn’t satisfying,
I feel like I need to break something.

What is this life?
I’m confused, where am I?
I don’t know what my purpose is.
Not yet.

No words follow your visage.
I think of you
And my mind materializes your face,
Your shoulders,
Your hands.

I see your blue eyes
Clear as a stream,
Your wispy blonde hair
Balled up in my fist,
Your jagged nose bumping mine.

My heart jumps,
I hear your slow laugh.
I smirk,
Watching you turn away,
Looking up to the side,
Your hands deep in your pockets.

You are every sensation
As stark as memory allows,
With no definition,
No rhetorical root,
So I struggle to write about you.

You don’t say much
So it follows
That my mind has not assigned a vocabulary
For mourning you,
Though I continue to.

The regret resounds
And I’m at no loss
For names to call myself,
Knowing that I held you
And let misguided indecision
Let you go.

If I could take it all back,
Un-drink all that wine,
Un-cry all your tears,
Go back in time and tell you I love you
The second I thought to,
Maybe you might still love me too.

But the damage is done,
Our bodies untangled,
The pills have all been swallowed,
And you’d rather
I just give up.

So I will lie in the mess I’ve made,
Drenching myself in the blood,
The drinks I have spilled.
Soaking up the guilt,
Absorbing the hurt I let spew.

I will grapple with wordlessness,
Yearning to poeticize my longing.
But I will get what I deserve,
Silence and prosaic grief.

Only images remain,
Flashes of your face.
Tactile memories come in pieces
And I hear your exasperation
In short breaths.

This is what I have left of you
And with this
I must make do.

Please don't go kissing someone else's lips
Because I've been dreaming of yours
Every chance I get
How they feel pressed against my neck
With your hands on my hips
I'm dying for that back

Please don't go have some mindless ***
Because my mind is burdened
With the picture of my sheets a mess
How we laid together
I felt so close to you

Just please please
Don't go find someone new

We all need help
I need help
You need help
Let's help each other

Just please don't push me away

I'm not sure of anything,
Accept for the fact
That I need to get out of here
Before my mind snaps.

I'm questioning the way
I move and breathe and blink.
Is this okay?
What will you think?

I need to go home.
I need to take cover.
I need to find a strong roof
To hide for a while under.

But I have no home
Except for the one
In your arms.
The house I live in
Always feels dark.

I'm worried that I'll get lost
In the emptiness of
That big, lonely house.
I'll be trapped by the cold
With no way to get out.

So how will my mind
Decide to pass the time?
How will I stay sane
With so much room
To let my stupid thoughts loose?

I don't want to paint
I don't want to sing
I don't want to read
I don't want to write
What the hell will I do
With so much time?

I'll sleep for as long as I can
To avoid the inevitable
Toil in my lonely brain

keep me in mind
when I am hidden.
when I keep myself away,
from the burning light of day.  

It's burnt away my nerves,
I can't feel a thing.
Numb to the world,
but feeling in the cold.

I've said it a thousand times,
I'll say it a thousand more.
I'm not the type to laugh,
I'll always shut the door.

So the cold is where I stay,
I can't sleep when it's warm.
I feel myself on fire,
always starting a new war.

Oh sunshine,
please die.
stop mocking my frostbite,
stop torching all desire.

Why won't you listen?
have you no ears?
I've been this way since birth,
I'll be this way for years.

I told you I'm not human.
I'm not the way I should be.
the tundra behind my bedroom door,
it's swallowed me.

Please don't forget about me.
I'm dying to leave.
I'm dying for someone to reach out,
instead I'm dying from greif.

Let's build a fire,
not the kind that kills.
But to melt the ice,
that's been holding me against my will.

Rather, just let me burn.
I'll turn to dust,
I'll drift away,
It's all a deadly lust.

Don't let me run,
tie me tight.
I need the fire,
but I think I might die.

Here it comes again.
The "i think we should just be friends."
The "i can't do this right now."

I told you from the start.
I told you how
Whenever I opened my mouth
And let the thoughts come rolling out,
I was alone all over again.
Just me and my thoughts.

I told you why
I hold back the truth.
I hold back
The thoughts that could **** me.
Because no one wants to hear that.

But you said you would listen,
You told me to come to you.
And you'd always be there to hold me
When the thoughts came back.

I slowly started to believe you,
I let you see my cry.
I let you hold me like you said you would,
And your arms felt like home.

Something has changed,
Like you took back
All that you said.
Last night when I cried
Your arms didn't feel like home.
But it was like I was holding onto
Someone I don't even know.

What happened to your open ears?
When I told you my thoughts
I felt coldness in you.
Like your presence was telling me
"Just shut up."

Now you see what I mean
When I say i'm a burden.
I'm just something people
"deal with".
Until they get tired
Of listening to me cry.

I'm sorry
If my pain is inconvenient.
I'm sorry
That i'm a mess.
But you knew what you signed up for
When you said
What you said.

So hear I am,
Burden Girl.
Like Superman's
Suicidal sister.
I'm the disaster
He tries to clean up.
But I'm the best
At creating a mess.

They all just say
"I'm here for you."
But they always run
When they see the truth.

I'm terrified you'll find someone else
Even hook up with someone else
Honestly even to kiss someone else
To touch someone else

Because you are my only
The only one my skin
My lips
And my body thirst for

And I really hope
I'm your only too

Falling in love
Feels quite literally
Like a fall.

Like you're stable
And balanced,
Then the ground
You're standing on
Is ripped right out
From under your feet.

Traveling at a terrifying speed
Directly to solid ground,
You begin to ask yourself
"Who will catch me?".

If you're lucky,
You'll land in someones arms
And walk with them
Knowing that if the ground disappears again,
Your fall will be broken
By their embrace.

And if you're not lucky,
Well I'm happy to report
That your fall doesn't end
With a splat
And a ****** mess,
Even though you may wish
It did.

No, for those of us
Who don't land in someone's arms....
Well, we don't land at all.
Gravity keeps pulling
But you never touch
The ground.
We keep falling,
Racing through space
To what should be,
What we hope will be
Our demise.

I keep falling,
Fully aware that the person
Who could break my fall
Is not waiting for me
To come plummeting into their arms.
Who knows where they are.

It may take you a while
But when you realize
That no one is going to catch you,
You might as well relax
And enjoy the eternal
Skydive.

You look at me and I see the life
Teeming behind your eyes.
I wonder how it got there
And how it stays alive.

I'd like to know what you see
In my eyes when you look at me.
I have a feeling it's fear
Or nothing at all.

All that lives behind my eyes
Are lines of illegible scribble
That can barely be recognized
As phonetic syllables.

Is it obvious that I'm terrified
Of the life in you?
It scares me in the way
Most beautiful things do.

I can appreciate the appeal
But please don't let it get too close.
I'm content with my dead eyes
And it would be too painful to bring them to life.

I am scared of your vibrancy
And at the same time jealous.
Jealous because I bet the world
Is beautiful to you.

And I bet you think
I'm beautiful too.
How lovely it would be
To see things the way you do.

How lovely it would be
Too feel good things
With the same intensity
That I feel bad.

Do you ever become overwhelmed by joy?
Or excitement?
Or laughter?
What's it like to be more than a shell
Of a life that could have been wonderful?

No I'm not okay
No I won't be
Because you've taken every part of me

I'm scared so ******* terrified
That this is the end
That you're saying goodbye

Because I love you
I love the way you laugh
And you're adorable smile
And how you feel next to me
Your beautiful heart
And beautiful mind

Please don't go
Please say you'll be mine
I'm sorry I ****** it up
I never meant to do this
But I love you so much
Please let me fix us

the terror your eyes make me feel,
is unmatched by any physical danger.
no height nor fire could make me shake and drip like you do

and I suppose it's not your fault,
but I sleep in oceans and mediate on dancing.
your smile makes me fear for my life
and your touch makes me want to die

but please don't blame yourself baby
for you can't be held responsible for the tempest, she follows me
and this fleeting kiss has been an unmitigated dream.

but lastly that voice
oh that voice,
the one i could listen to for years
is but a siren song
leading me to the rocks where i am foreordained to capsize

Falling in love wasn't what I had planned
But now that we're falling apart
All I want is to hold your hand

You made me break my own rules
Forever was a forbidden word
It had only ever brought me hurt

Hardened and guarded
I tried to shut you out
But I kept falling deeper

I'm not the same person
Not the heartbreak kid
You broke my walls and I got scared

I didn't want to lose that power
But now you have my heart
I keep falling deeper
And we're still falling apart

I thought this was reality.
But a world bound by words can never be real.
We've created these words to explain the absurdity of our existence.
But no longer an explanation.
Now just a way of ignoring our fear of the pure real.
And ultimately, the absurdity of our mortality.
Iv found the world without words. I've found the horror we've been conditioned to hide from.
There are no words to tell you about this world.
If one was created, the real would lose its meaning,
And become only a word or a label to make sense of something you can't explain.

The entrance is marked by a path of fallen syllables,
that will serve no purpose in this world.
Leave your language on the road leading to the real.
Abandon your understanding of existence.
It will only crumble anyway.

This world of truth is mine.
Only I can experience it because I cannot communicate its existence.
I can't tell you how crippling the real feels.
It's a silent war of the mind and mouth.
The mind is dying for exodus of this experience.
But the mouth cannot divulge.
It has no frame work to put together.
It has no sounds that can build you my world.

Alone in this life.
Because no one can live it with me.
No one can feel what I feel, ever.
No one can live my exact life.
It makes me feel detached from every other human or object.
They can never truly enter my life or my world.
You cannot put yourself behind my eyes and see what I see.
Your perception is distorting my real.

Maybe your real is less terrifying. Maybe you don't have a real.
And I am envious.
Don't build your wordless world.
It only pushes me to see I will die alone.

Stop falling backwards, I try but I can’t.
Thinking of the dreams we had,
All of it was a shadow, a lie.
Too sweet for my bitterness
Heavy enough to drown me.

Rare love was anything but.
Feeling, fleeting forever for you.
Tremble, my hands. They still reach for you.
Rush to push you out of my head, replace you.
Dare myself to try again.

Don’t do it, I say. Knowing I always will.
Over and over, I come back to you.
Think of me, if you can remember sometimes.
Cry, please, I know I beg in vain.
Again, I beg for a sign that you feel anything.

Gone
gone
Gone

They're all
So far away now.
If only I could reach
Into the dark
That took you
And pull you back
From wherever you went.

Is it really better
Over there?
Show me what
I've been missing
And maybe God will let us
Trade places.

Do you regret what you did?
Would you take it all back
If I told you that
I'd bear the weight
Of your quick decisions for you?
Would you let me
**** myself
If it meant being
In your mothers arms again?

You say i scare you.
Yet you are the lion,
And i am the lamb.
You have power enough to save me;
Then rip my heart to shreds.

It will be hard for me to let you in,
Because i've met so many lions before.
And i'm tired of being the lamb,
Of seeing all my blood
Spilled all over the floor.

But i can still be held at fault,
For i'm the one who's spilled the most blood.
I've used my own like paint,
To color my life bright red.
I needed some proof i wasn't dead.

I've even killed some lions,
But not without cause.
They couldn't see how they were slowly killing me.
I had to get away before it was too late.
I've made my mistakes and stayed.

I trust that you won't burn me,
Won't tear me limb from limb.
Apparently, i'm the lion to you.
But I'm just a weak lamb,
Afraid to die at your hands.

If i never let you see
How fragile i really am,
Maybe you can't hurt me;
Maybe you'll think you're the lamb.
And i'll look stronger than i am.

I don't know if you've seen my scars,
The aftermath of war.
I hope to god they don't scare you,
I'm not fighting anymore.
At least not now.

It seems I've slipped some rhymes in,
I guess thats what you do to me.
Once again the words found me easy.
You've given me the color to paint my empty canvas,
I just hope it won't be red.

A word that bites.
It burns my ears
Whenever whispered.
It leaves a sour aftertaste
When I let it escape my lips.

A word that lives
And breathes on its own.
It can pick up a pen
And write itself out
With ink in whatever color it pleases.

I’ve seen it in red,
It wrote itself quickly.
Red like lips
That left their poison kiss
Burning like fire on my cheeks and wrists.

Not the kind that warms
Or gives light to the dark.
It’s a fire that starts behind your eyes
Than burns your body whole.
Red like my blood spilled after the ****.

I saw it in white,
Well I didn’t see it at all.
White ink won’t show
On white paper.
It wrote itself in a lie.

When in white
It’s used to disguise.
Trying to cover spilled black ink.
Covering the face of evil,
It was only a manipulative excuse.

It’s written itself out again;
Now slowly and in blue.
And blue is not an excuse.
It won’t use me until it’s tired
Then cut me and burn me like fire.

Blue is calm.
Blue wraps me in his arms.
Blue holds me
Until the storm passes.
Blue is the color it should be.

This word comes in so many colors.
It can be as red as it’s victim’s blood, Or a white lie.
But the only love I need is blue
And the only one who can write it is you.

You’re annoying,
And offensive,
And loud,
And rude,
Yet entertaining,
And funny.
You’re thoughtful,
And deep,
And passionate,
And strong.

You keep me safe,
When my hope is gone.
You drive me crazy,
But keep me sane.
I lose sleep at night,
Because I can only think you’re name.

My mind is messy,
But you don’t care.
I need you,
Like my lungs need air.
I love your smile,
Your goofy laugh.
And how you let me play with your hair.

I know its hard right now,
Because you’re so far away.
But I promise,
It will all be better,
Some day.

From the corner of my eye,
I watched.
I noticed the way you lean in your chair,
The way you laugh like a storm in a drought.

Tilting your head back just enough,
Your bottom jaw protrudes,
Displaying your sharp chin.
You grin wide like the skies parting,
And closing your eyes,
Your shoulders shake like thunder.
You rain in drops of iridescence
That douse the fires in my arid attentiveness.

At the dawn of our day,
When I first began to know you,
Drinking too much,
Smiling at our fitful hands,
You carved out a piece of my being
And interred it within yourself.

This is not a complaint though.
I would give you every ounce of me,
Carved into whatever shapes suit your desires,
Whittling away at myself
With all the craftsmanship of Donatello.

With this piece,
You possess me completely
Everywhere you go.
Now you stretch my love across oceans
And my heart sets sail
In pilgrimage of you.

I’d drink every drop in the sea
And walk on its barren floor
To be close to you again.
I’d build a bridge of river-foraged driftwood
From my door to yours
Just to wrap my arms around you
For a moment or two.

But my body is already too saturated
With the sodden lamentations of missing you.
And I fear that I’m too weak with hunger
To carry all the branches and boards
Needed to raise such a structure.

So I will wait for you to come home.
And I wish I could say “patiently,”
But I’m fervent with longing
And frantic with grief.

But I will do my best to carry on.
I will paint, and smoke, and work, and cry
Until you’re home again.
Then I will hold you
And hold you and hold you and hold you,
Until we are stuck as one body
And you cannot escape again.

I have hurt my heart,
I have treated it cruelly.
But it made me feel like a fool,
Daydreaming of a different life
Where I am loved in return
The way that I have loved my heart.

I have wrung myself out for my heart,
Gave my heart shelter, cooked it dinner,
Gave it what little I possess
So that it may dig itself out of the hole its been in
And one day love me the way that I have loved it.

But my heart did not dig,
It settled into the home that I had given it
And blew me kisses from the bottom of its ditch.
And so I looked at my heart with anger and hurt,
Because I gave it every opportunity to reciprocate the love that I have given it,
And still my heart did not dig.

So, my heart, I need you to leave
Because I cannot keep throwing you rope
That you will not catch
And extending hands that you will not grasp.
I only have so much rope
And so many hands.

And I'm sorry that I have been callous,
But, my heart,
You have worn my affection paper-thin.
You have exploited my generosity,
Reached the bounds of my tenderness.

So now my heart sits alone
And so do I.
Alone together in the home we shared.
Soon, I will be alone
And without my heart,
Unsure of how to keep the empty walls
From closing in around me.