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kylie formella Apr 2016
if you asked me how it hurts,
i'd answer simply
that it doesn't
that nothing is wrong and I am
perfectly fine
but in actuality
I am a walking chasm
a deep gaping hole
that nobody wants to fall into
and those who love me
must feel so much shame
that they have to
take care of this mess
and if you asked me how it hurts
if you really wanted to know
i'd tell you
it hurts like smiling all day, laughing,
and coming home and attempting
to cry myself to sleep
and when that doesn't work, ill
let the drugs do the job
it hurts like waking up in the middle of the night
willing God
or whoever
to please, please not wake me up in the morning
it hurts in my chest, I guess that's why they call it
heartbreak
so don't ask me how it hurts
if you don't want to hear
that it hurts so bad, i think i might
die
kylie formella Dec 2014
nobody can love me until i love myself,
right?
well, every time i've seen my reflection
since i was eight years old
i've felt a temptation that's hard to fight
to throw my head
into the glass
(with all my might)
and my mother still tells me
that she loves me no matter
what
i guess what you have to do,
if you don't love yourself
is find someone
who will help you to
kylie formella Sep 2014
i'm trying to fix my relationships with
the things that i say i hate
i love you, allergies.
thank you for
letting me know when the seasons are changing
i love you, split ends
thank you for
telling me i need a haircut
i love you, sore throat
thank you for
making me stop screaming
i love you, ****** internet
thank you for
making me go outside
i love you, mommy
thank you for
everything
i love you, girl he cheated with
thank you for
making me realize i wasn't the first choice
and i love you, baby
thank you for
breaking my heart
kylie formella Sep 2014
it's difficult not to notice
the interconnection
of everything that is
the blades of grass
transcend into a lovely
girl's hair
and the ocean becomes her
tears
and the harsh air of winter
becomes her upset sigh
and the sunshine
becomes what he sees in her eyes
and the flowers
become her potential to
be happy
its hard not to notice
the interconnection
kylie formella Dec 2014
this is an invitation for pretty girls to message me haha
kylie formella Nov 2014
im breaking down out of boredom; im
finding space in my emptiness
and i can't tell if it's just easier to breathe
or if the air is thinning.
its my life
and ill die as many metaphorical deaths as i want to.
and it feels like there's been an accident.
i was playing in traffic again,
and everyone was telling me
"just cross the street!"
but i saw a set of magnificent hands clutching the wheel of your car
and i decided i wanted to see those hands tremble
when they realized they'd ended a life.
goodnight,
i wont see you in the morning,
i hope to see you mourning
because when i was breathing you wanted me six feet away,
at least
but now that im six feet under you
you finally want me
im a firm lover of irony
kylie formella Dec 2014
sit down for dinner with my
happy happy family
my mother is surprised
i came out of my room
they ignore the giant bleeding hole
in my chest
but i can see their discomfort
they all put their hands together
and they bless this food
(when they should be praying
for this "God" to help us)
my step-father shoots me a glare
when he sees my hands are apart
and both of my middle fingers
are pointed up at God
i don't even take a bite before
i feel the elephant in the room
pushing me back to the comfort
of isolation
kylie formella Sep 2014
i know you see it,
i know you see that I'm struggling.
i shouldn't have to say
please
for you to talk to me.
i shouldn't be the only one making an effort.
i thought with you,
happiness would
come
but when you left;
i didn't think about that.
i want all the happiness
back
and now i am crying again
even though
i'm
trying so hard not to
look like i need you.
but i do.
you are breaking my heart
and all i can say
is
*sorry
kylie formella Sep 2014
i want to forget
the way your hand was so big
compared to mine
kind of like they were protecting mine
i want to forget
the way my body is cold
and yours is warm
and we balance out each other
i want to forget
your hands traveling
all around my body
and being comfortable with it
i want to forget
how after i touched you
i felt like i'd
never touched anything more important
i want to forget
the way that loving
you
didn't hurt
i want to forget
how happy i was
thinking we had more
time
i want to forget
how much i
******* miss
you
job
kylie formella Mar 2016
job
today I started work at my first job
a fast food joint
and when I handed customers their change
I gave them my childhood, too
kylie formella Dec 2014
last night I drank a whole bottle and it gave me the same butterflies you did;
a boy tried to get me to go into his car alone with him
I laughed in his face
it was funny because he didn't know how broken I am
I smoked so much I was flying
I don't remember how I got home
and I was surrounded by people who were saying my name
but I knew that they didn't know me
I'm bad at writing when I'm hungrover
kylie formella Dec 2014
this is for the me who i'm trying to break free of:
stop. stop getting yourself into situations you know will ******* up. stop giving people chance after chance. stop telling yourself it doesn't count if it's him, he's only important if you make him so. stop it. find the value inside yourself to move the **** on. stop isolating yourself unless it's him who wants to be involved with you. (usually it isn't.) you're going to be okay. you don't need him to feel like you're actually alive. give other people a ******* chance and stop feeling sorry for someone who isn't trying; you. all your putting your effort into is getting him back.
kylie formella Sep 2014
"it's not fair."
i'd say,
and my mother would reply with
"life isn't fair."
she was right,
it's not fair that i gave you everything and it was not
enough
it's not fair that i spend every second missing you and you don't even think of me
it's not fair that i love you and you hate me
well, life isn't fair.
but maybe death is.
kylie formella Dec 2014
Remember when you played your first song on the piano?
Why are all the keys broken now?
The music has started to sound like screams.
You hear it everywhere, don't you?
It scratches at the back of your brain, until
all your thoughts are drowned in blood
telling you to cave in.
Your father's worried,
about those bruises on your knees. He didn't raise
a *****.
(He didn't raise anybody.)
He'll scream it, so the neighbors feel uncomfortable.
"Well, I think you mighta, Dad.
Because right after we ****, they all leave."
He'll start yelling,
drinking.
You'll be the example no one needed to set.
We all know we're not supposed to
leave our still-beating hearts
in the boy who doesn't want us'
mailbox. You just
had to do it didn't you?
You had to rip our family apart,
just to know you could make somebody
feel something.
kylie formella Sep 2014
your hands clasped around the back of my neck when
you kissed me
and you tried to retreat because your curfew's eleven,
but i wouldn't let you go.
now you're at home; maybe
it's not like i would know
because you believe that absence makes the heart
grow fonder
and i believe in spending lifetimes together
now i'm all alone fighting the urge to call;
i want to know what you're doing
i want to know it all
and your hands touched my neck
the way the
noose does
now
kylie formella Nov 2014
you said
"its over, let it go.
you need to move on."
but there were shrieks in my ears,
much too loud not to hear.
begging, pleading for me to slit my wrists.
you won't ever be able to tell me im not strong
because i hear them still.
in the back of my brain, i'll
never ever ever ever ever
be sane
kylie formella Sep 2014
Trying to tell myself not to worry, that I am so small.
But that, too brings a certain terror I cannot explain.
How can the pain that is inside me be so big and overwhelming
if I am less than dust?
The confusion that plagues me makes my hands tremble
and I have no answers
and I can't even put my questions into words.
I just want to know
how I can be so sad
if I am nothing.
kylie formella Sep 2014
i am the rocks that try to break the waves
and you are the hurricane that comes anyway
the tide comes out of my eyes
i tried to hold it back i swear i ******* tried
kylie formella Nov 2014
maybe one day my heart won't feel like a weight
and maybe one day someone will
want to hold it
no matter how heavy it is
and maybe one day when I spill my guts
at 4am through a drunken phone call
someone will actually answer;
and maybe one day
I won't feel like a burden
maybe when I hold my lovers hand
I won't feel like I'm holding it too tight
maybe one day the kisses will be passionate
maybe one day I'll hear "I love you"
and it won't just be because they want to hear
"I love you too"
maybe one day I won't be so lonely.
maybe one day someone will love me.
kylie formella Sep 2014
i bet you wish that i was optional;
i bet you wish i was never born
or that we never crossed paths
well, everything is optional.
life is optional.
pain is, too.
i don't have to feel this way,
i can end it.
maybe i will.
kylie formella Feb 2015
i've been gone awhile maybe you thought i died
i wish i did, so i wouldn't feel so empty inside
'cause i wake up lately without the motivation to write
i've lost everything except my ******* life
so what do you do when all you can think
is of making more drops of blood in the sink
when nobody's around, you really could drown
in it, and i'm not okay anymore.
i've lost my way, i'm for sure
that i'll never feel okay again
cause my baby doesn't even wanna be friends
i just wanna pass this, wanna pass the end
and i swear to god i've already died, i'm in hell
but no everyone, i'm fine. i'm doing swell.
kylie formella Dec 2014
your eyes never shined like that when you were
looking at me
i can't make my poems sound that poetic anymore
they all just sounds like
repetitive pleads,
begging you,
just let me be good enough this time
just settle for me
my poems used to sound like screams
they're not that powerful anymore
they're more of whimpers now
because my poems and i?
well, we;re tired
we've been crying since the day you left
and we ran out of tears
we ran out of new things to say
but we haven't given up yet,
this poem is a plead.
come back.
kylie formella Mar 2016
and he holds me, wraps his arms
around my body
pushing into me
showing me who's it is
he knows what I want
out of breath
"yes please"
open-mouthed kisses
making love
kylie formella Sep 2014
Your hair doesn't matter. Cut it off. Dye it a hideous color. No one who loves you will care.
2. Don't trust the boy who tells you he loves you until you're sure that he does.
3. Take your friends advice when they tell you to be positive. Don't tell yourself that there's nothing to be positive about. There always is.
4. Notice more. Notice the boy who sits alone at lunch. Ask him how his day was.
5. Stop blaming yourself.
5. Care. Care about the little things that no one notices.
6. Don't keep the poison in your life. If it keeps coming back, keep pushing it out.
7. Try. Don't do anything half-assed. Do it like you're doing it for all your dead ancestors. Do your best on everything.
kylie formella Sep 2014
i write about you
because a poem might make this pain feel better
it might make it beautiful
but there is nothing beautiful
about me locking the door to my bedroom
and swallowing 22 pills
there is nothing beautiful
about the blood from my wrists getting on my sheets
and crying because you won't have touched the new ones
there is nothing beautiful
about begging my wrists to keep bleeding
there is nothing beautiful
about my screams
for you to come back
there is nothing beautiful
about the physical pain in my chest
when you told me
that you
wanted someone
else
kylie formella Dec 2014
scream about it if you need to
how you were bleeding on the ground because you were too drunk to stand
and nobody at the party even noticed
or looked up
or you can say it nonchalantly like usual
"i'm really not significant, it kinda suffocates me sometimes,
i'm dumb" you'll spit the words out
and you're forcing a laugh
paint the words on the wall with the blood
from your sloppy wrists
tell them about the day when you were in school
in gym class, shaking because everyone was looking at you
and you knew in the locker room
that they saw the scars that trailed from your hips to your knees
tell them about how you called him and blurted out
that you couldn't get over him
that you missed him uncontrollably and that
was never gonna change
and he said "maybe one day if things change.."
spill your guts,
write about how you haven't had a lover since just in case he chose to come back
you could even paint a picture
of the look on your face when your mother told you
"you're the most ****** up person i can think of,
where did i go wrong?"
write about your drinking habits and the way you
start to feel like you're digging your own grave if you
stay sober for too long
tell us you're not okay
i mean we know,
but tell us anyway
(i'm dealing with a lot)
kylie formella Jan 2015
you can punch your reflection all you want,
the only result will be ****** knuckles and broken glass.
stop pushing it away, you're never gonna be okay.
he didn't want you, maybe it's because you don't even want yourself
self destructing in
5, 4, 3, 2...
kylie formella Sep 2014
i need to accept that my notebooks
don't need someone else's name
scrawled on every page
to be filled.
i need to write my own name
first
in my best cursive,
with hearts over the i's.
i need to write love letters
and list everything that i adore about
myself
i can hold my own hand.
i can stand alone.
kylie formella Nov 2014
i wonder when my skin will feel safe and comfortable again
i know you don't want to be
in this small room that smells like
my grandmother's clothes
(she died five years ago, did you know?)
your hands are on me and we can go ahead and pretend it feels natural
we're kids playing at being grown ups
with mommys high-heels
they have you walking on hell and the shoes are much too big
for your little feet
and the boys, wearing their father's ties which are much too long
they've got daddy's guns too, in the trunk
they've got daddy's drinking habits too
and you've got your big sister's cigarettes
why do they call it seven minutes in heaven when
this feels much more like the
firey place they call hell
we're all smiling, we're all laughing
we're upside down and floating in the sky
asking ourselves why
because we're too shy to say these words
aloud
too high to say these words
underground
we can leave the closet now,
its been far past seven minutes
kylie formella Sep 2014
I should be thinking about things that normal girls do
like homecoming or prom or high heeled shoes
i shouldn't be thinking about you
i shouldn't forgive you for the things that you do
when you should've been inside my head
you were on top of her bed
i shouldn't be thinking about how great it'd be to be dead
and i won't sleep until that hunger is fed
i can't get you out of my ******* head
i shouldnt be thinking about you
kylie formella Sep 2014
every single ******* thought ends in your name
and that'd be fine if i knew where to place the blame
not on you, surely
the only rational judgement is me
i hate myself for thinking this was real
do you take her out on dates? do you pay for her meals?
just like we used to
now all i can ******* do
is smoke and drink and pop a couple pills
i just wish you knew how it feels
to be completely sober and feel it's a problem
oh wait nevermind, im the ******* problem
i hope you tell them that my name is sorry
ill drink a whole bottle and pop a whole molly
its not because i want to be happy
i just dont want to feel all this pain that you left me
im going insane you're probably with her
and i bet that you just ******* dig her
i bet that she isnt as crazy as me
i bet she doesnt panic or get anxiety
i bet she is the reason that you are ******* smiling
but she is the reason that i am crying
and i promised myself that never again
would i trust anybody or let them in
and now im so ******* high
feeling like i might possibly die
but im not upset things could not be better
but when im gone i just hope you remember
and i hope you dont mind when i call you tonight
i took some acid im not feeling alright
but you'll get annoyed because you hate when i drop
and right before i spill my guts, you'll hang up
you think i can't handle **** and you're probably right
i might die tonight i really might
i just miss you so much and i ******* love you
does your new girl give it all to you?
does she do everything i couldnt possibly do?
is she good enough for you?
do you show her off to the whole crew?
im just rolling around in my room
smoked some and ate some mushrooms
i remember when i did this recreationally
now im getting rid of all this **** that you gave to me
i have so many questions and i dont want the answers
instead of you and i now, its you and her
i ******* hate that you don't care
im falling apart and youre well aware
and i just want to ******* drop dead
and all that **** you said replays in the back of my head
and i just want this all to end
a suicide letter sent through a text
i love you im sorry goodbye i press send
i try and i try and i try it doesnt work
all i can think of is your stupid smirk
i swallowed the whole bottle and my face is numb
how do i let you make me feel so dumb
i love you so much and im still your baby
even if you don't particularly want me
even if when you hold me its her on your mind
even if when you look for her its me you find
forever not good enough and forever still trying
and even though half the **** you say; you're lying
hiding **** away so it doesnt upset me
and we boht know that i am ******* crazy
if you even think of leaving
i will stop ******* breathing
my heart will skip a beat and you'll tell me i'm nothing
but with you i was finally something
and i lay in a strangers bed all alone
and you guys are probably ******* back home
i cant sleep in my bed because it still smells like you
*******
*******
i love you
kylie formella Nov 2014
look at all the blank space on this paper
should I fill it with my blood or my
tears
or both?
dear mom, I'm so sorry
I couldn't take it anymore and
I'd write to dad too,
but I don't suppose he'll ever see the letter.
maybe my suicide will bring you two together somehow,
if I'm being optimistic I can pretend
something good night come out of it.
I can't decide if this is a poem or a warning that I might be gone soon,
but that's mostly because all my thoughts are running together.
so I will fill the paper with whatever comes to mind and you can pretend you care.
kylie formella Mar 2016
it hurts even to remember
the way you used to burn through my brain
and sometimes when I'm alone
ill come across a hole burnt through my head
like drunken nights where I put out cigarettes on my skin
and I draw a blank, I start to feel it again
stay the **** away from me
kylie formella Mar 2016
woman found
stabbed in the neck on butlers lane
but she wasn't a woman
she only breathed 18 years
of breath
and she only got to have 18 years
worth of smiles
laughs, tears,
aches, pains,
her future was stolen by envy
kylie formella Nov 2014
i haven't picked up the pen
in weeks.
i just haven't felt up to writing,
do you really want to know how i feel?
go on, take a guess.
you can even ask!
"are you still using drugs to escape reality?"
"are you falling back into self- destructive habits?"
no, no way! not me!
i'm all smiles, why could i ever be upset?
i'm only alone in every definition of the word,
it's not like i've been searching everyday for an escape.
i'm just fine, thanks for asking.
kylie formella Dec 2014
"have you ever had suicidal thoughts?"
yeah doc, i surely have
i've seen it in my head thousands of times
all the ways that i could just
stop existing
i've felt the bullet through my brain and it didn't even
hurt.
i've tied the noose and jumped,
and watched my body fight,
even though my soul didn't want to.
i've died a thousand times.
"no.'
kylie formella Dec 2014
i've been bottling it up again and my insides
are packed so tightly with the poison of my negativity
i think i may burst and no ones concerned
and it hurts and i cant
take it so i get wasted and get too drunk
to remember
i am so tired of waking up wishing that i hadn't
i am so tired of waking up ready to **** my sobriety
i am so tired of feeling like my soul is a burden to my body,
leaving scars where my skin should be clear.
and if here soon
i disappear
don't be worried
it's what i wanted
kylie formella Sep 2014
i'm gonna write a poem,
and i'm gonna call it
Untitled
because that is what it is.
Kind of like the way we were,
untitled.
We were nonchalant and no big deal,
and i guess you expected it to be the same
when you left.
but it's not.
Now we know why I need
a title.
kylie formella Dec 2014
there's nothing poetic to say i won't beautify my word choice
I AM A MESS AND I NEED HELP
there is nothing good about this pain
I AM NOT OKAY
i do not know how to stop these thoughts and they scare me
please help me i am so lost
kylie formella Sep 2014
i tried to write a poem
but i was too ******* hungover
i tried to feel anything at all
but i was too ******* hungover
kylie formella Sep 2014
it's okay i know you're busy
i'm just laying down, and every five minutes i
type a text to you
saying something different each time
from
"i love you and miss you!! can i come see you?"
to
"i hate you so much how could you do this to me"
but i don't send any,
because i've already sent two.
and i'm trying to give you the space you deserve.
i want to spill
all my secrets to you.
but more than that, i want  to know all of yours.
so badly,
i want to know all the things that will hurt me
beyond repair.
Having my heart ripped out by you would be
better than having one.
kylie formella Dec 2014
i'll be 23 at a liquor store on my way to a party
the boy who i'm with will think my name is sorry
maybe the cuts will be scars by then
but that doesn't mean i'll be better
i still won't know how to be sober
i'll be in a stranger's bathroom
crying my eyes out,
they'll think it's just the shrooms
but it'll be you, it'll always
be you
i'll talk about the boy who didn't love me back
even with *** and alcohol in the equation.
maybe i'll be okay then,
but it'll never hurt less
kylie formella Sep 2014
it's my trembling hands
and my watery eyes
it's the way that i
can't fall asleep at night
it's how i constantly need to be held
it's how much i cried when you left
it's my locked door
it's how i have nothing left
it's the razor blades
that make the most precise of lines
some of which are on my thighs
it's how every time i think of a train
i think of how comfy the tracks must be
it's my whispers to myself
"what the **** is happening"
and it's all the pills too.
enough to end my life,
only to wake up and find myself
still alive
it's my pens which are out of ink
from all the letters i wrote you
"i'm gonna **** myself, im sorry
i love you"
kylie formella Jan 2015
i felt the burden of ****** shaking the room,
i asked you if i should move on.
you stayed silent, that
said more than you possibly could have said.
it's getting more difficult to say
"i want you back."
the only thing that'll come out is
"why?"
i don't even want the answer anymore,
i just want to stop. i want it all to stop.
the only escape that i can imagine is
a bullet through the brain.
i can't see myself ever not loving you
and you never loved me from the start.
but you don't understand
i fell hard and i fell fast
there was no one to catch me and i am
laying on the floor,
bruised and bleeding.
just repeating.
"why?"
new year, new me, right?
well why do i still feel like an island?
one that not even the tide can reach.
so far away and disconnected,
who even knows how to find my heart.
kylie formella Sep 2014
i wish i didn't notice
the girl who smiles too big
and i wish i didn't see her
clenching her fists
i wish i didn't feel her pain
i wish i couldnt see the dried up tears
i wish i didnt share the fears
i notice when she pulls down
her sleeves a bit
and winces when something hits her hip
i wish i didnt see the bruises
on her soft cheeks
week after week
i wish i didnt see her breathing quicken
i wish i didnt panic too
I can see it! Can you?
kylie formella Dec 2014
i just write and i write and i write
i don't even know where the words come from;
it's like theyre bleeding from my fingertips
and the ink is the blood
i wrote 4 pages today about falling in love
another 6 about how much i wish youd just come back
and i scribbled in the margins how i wish i could get away
there were sentences abut my insignificance
and paragraphs about how i feel disconnected
my hands hurt so ******* much
but how am i to stop when its the only way to stop the hurt

— The End —