I have OCD

I get attached to way too many things

I've gotten attached to people and things

I probably have an infinite list

B U T

My all time favorite obsession is loving you.

just thinking of you is like an atomic bomb full of flowers in my brain

When we're together we can:

- hold hands
- kiss
- listen to our favorite tunes
- be super weird
- take rlly dumb selfies
- eat at subway
- sing dumb lovey dovey songs together
- cuddle
- hug

My grandma told me it was time to go home, and that's when I so badly wanted to ask to stay one more night
I felt more at home at my grandmas than I do in my regular house
So I kicked on my old vans, grabbed my back pack and went home
Compared to my regular house, we do more stuff at my grandmas than we do there
Where at home I just lay in bed listening to my music and watch movies that I've seen like 500 times
There's a picture in our kitchen that says "God Bless Our Home"
Then again I haven't come into contact with any sort of god.
The only people in my house are me, my brother, and mother
And my dad on the weekends since my parents separated at least a year ago
And my sister is going off to college soon so I don't really ever see her because she lives with her mom and has a job
I see her on holidays and birthdays and such which makes me happy
Life in my home hasn't been the same since my parents split
We used to be active I would say
Now I all I do, like I said before, is lay in bed.
I go out sometimes, for shows and other stuff
I don't really hang out with friends from school except for my bestfriend since we go to the same shows
School starts back in a few weeks and am I prepared? Yes and no
I'm excited to see my friends and I'm not excited to see people who annoy me
But let's go back to talking about home
What's your definition of home?
In the dictionary home is the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.
My definition of home is that home is a place where you make memories. Home is a place where you live and die. Home is a place full of love and hate. It's a place where you can feel comfy and warm or miserable and cold.
Home is where the heart is and I guess my heart moved out a long time ago...

Watching the flowers grow and feeling love in your heart are two prime examples of how beautiful the world can be sometimes

Falling out of love, being hated for no specific reason, watching a loved one die, and being lonely are a few prime examples of how cruel the world is sometimes

There are many other examples for both of those and I can't think of them off of the top of my head

I've always heard the term "the world is a beautiful/cruel place sometimes"and I was always prepared to experience both

I've had my heart broken, I've watched something/someone die, I've been lonely for the longest amount of time I can think of... But those are just the cruel things

I've felt loved, I've watched the flowers grow, I've watched the sun rise at 6 am, I've felt less lonely surrounded by people I can call my friends... And those are the beautiful things

Keep that term in mind, "The world is a beautiful/cruel place sometimes"

the minute i kiss you my brain will stop functioning for half a second to focus on the masterpiece that is kissing the lips of its painter

our solar system is one big giant mystery

many theories have been made up

but there will be no explanation for it

the sun is our brightest star

but in my eyes you're my brightest star

there are approximately 400 billion stars

and i show my love for you with each of them

i want to take you on a date

to the milky way

the second most beautiful thing i've ever seen

the color of a star can tell an observer a lot of things

if you're the star and i'm the observer

then you have told me a lot of beautiful things

our first space date will be in over 20 years or maybe even a lot more
we'll be traveling at the speed of light
i'll be holding ur hand and then we arrive at saturns rings
i pull out the picnic basket and we have a picnic on the second biggest planet in our solar system !!
while we're eating i kiss ur cheek and tell you i love you
we fly out to the local galactic group and observe the andromeda galaxy, the second most beautiful thing ive ever seen
and then we makeout for like 20 minutes and then we travel back to planet earth

Old Gray: My Life With You, My Life Without You
Tigers Jaw: Teen Rocket
The World Is A Beautiful Place: Heartbeat In The Brain
The Story So Far: Navy Blue
Counterparts: Decay
Foxing: Inuit
Karen O: The Moon Song
Have Mercy: Living Dead
Modern Baseball: Pothole
Moose Blood: Gum
The Wonder Years: Madelyn

...and we'll kiss and laugh and talk about how we're just small specks of dust in the universe wondering what our purpose is.

dear ashley,

when looking up at the stars and the moon while laying in the grass, i cant help but imagine the warmth of your fingers intertwined with mine. the moon is bright and caught in our orbit, you're bright and caught in my orbit of love. there are over 1 trillion stars in each galaxy.. and there are millions of galaxies beyond ours. each star has a name and some are brighter than our brightest star the sun. but in my eyes you're my brightest star and your name is ashley. or baby girl, babe, etc. you shine brighter than the sun on a hot summer day. you shine brighter than a rainbow. you shine brighter than the milky way. you shine brighter than all the trillions of stars combined. you're my galaxy and observing you is my most favorite thing.

... and my life on this little planet we call earth will not be fulfilled until the day you die.

I'm in sort of a writers block

I want to write about sadness but I have nothing to be sad about

I want to write about happiness but I write about that too often and it feels weird

I currently have my headphones in listening to Pianos Become The Teeth in my own little world

My girlfriend is the only thing that makes me happy

My best friends do as well

I can go to them with any sorts of problem and not be judged

I don't really talk to my family about personal problems because I know they'll judge me

Actually last week my dad said to me "there isn't a single gay bone in your body

I'm not gay at all

I support gay rights, yes

But that doesn't mean anything

It seems the only family I trust is my cousin and sister

I can't even tell my counselor my problems because I know he'll tell my parents and I don't want them to know anything because, like I said, they'll judge  me

It's like if I tell him I'm depressed, he'll tell them and they'll worry and tell me ******* that makes it worse

I'm in a tough spot

(J.A.)

let's build a real cool fort and turn on the 1975 while we make out.

You sit behind your desk with a fake smile telling the parents you’ll do everything you can to make it stop. But nothing will stop. You’re not going to talk to the bully, you’re not going to tell his parents, you’re not going to tell the school system, and you sure as **** are not going to make sure this problem stops.

Are you idiots too stupid to see the problem here?

I started getting bullied in 3rd or 4th grade and didn’t know what to think of it

That was of course until my brother got shoved into a stall (by persons name I will not mention), in 6th grade and his ear started bleeding

That was of course until I was physically and verbally bullied.

I would get called a ***, *******, idiot, loser, freak, “emo”, a waste of space, *****, etc.

That totally got to me and I believed every single word they said

Then comes physical bullying

I got punched in the face in 7th grade for no reason at all and didn’t know how to stand up for myself

In fact the guy who did it, I still see everyday in the halls

Let’s face it, I was 120 pounds of no muscle at all

I also remember a year or two back this huge football player grabbed me and my brother in the headlock and started calling us ****, and when we called him fat, the other football players said that was cold and mean…

Verbal contact still happens today sometimes
Physical contact? Not so much

But I still get made fun of but I’ve learned one thing.

Ignore it.

They don’t know you. They don't know your life. They don't know anything.

They come to you because they know you don't know how to stand up for yourself

But keep these 3 words in your mind through it all.

You are loved.

You’re not alone. There are many others like you. You will never be alone as long as you have those people standing by your side through everything and anything.

(J.A.)

hey babe do you wanna come over later?
listen to the 1975 and hold hands for a few hours in my bed.
we can talk about the old days when we were just friends and were just strangers.
and talk about the universe while the billions of stars around us shine.

I don't want to watch you step on the plane after we lock our lips for the last time for a long time

... and i felt you tighten the noose around my neck
and i felt you push the chair from under my legs.

i'm just a single star in the universe, in love with a galaxy.

theres a huge rug

a coffee table

and 5 chairs

theres a pile of magazines

and 2 books

then its me

waiting alone

with all my thoughts and anger

hidden through the skin and bones

i havent showered today

ive been on netflix

i feel like hell

im looking out the window

and see only nature

which is my most favorite thing

even though it looks beautiful

i still dont want to be here.

when i think back on all the girls i’ve dated

i’ve noticed very different interests now than what i saw in the past

one was very religious and demanding

one liked to get high and drunk when i really didn’t

the second one ****** with my mind too bad

it was almost every time i messaged her she was high or drunk

and the only thought i had was “is she really meaning the things she says?”

we were created to question our own existence

I'm being honest when I say if it wasn't for you I would have already killed myself.

I remember on June 30th when I was in the passenger seat of the car and I couldn't hear anything but ringing my ears

It took two or three drives around to find out where you were, I remember seeing you from distance and I couldn't believe my eyes

You looked so beautiful, like the first time I looked at a photo of you on my phone screen but times a million, god you looked so beautiful.

i was buried in the backyard along with the dog

our skeletal remains will rot for the next 100 years

our home was destroyed when the 2 people who gave me birth left me here to rot

the neighbors tried to wake me up but there was sort of response

the sirens dwelled while we slowly rotted away on my bedroom floor.

(J.A.)

I’m going to be talking about 2 things today

1. school

2. bullying

let’s talk about school
in the dictionary school is, and i quote, “an institution for educating children”.

in the urban dictionary school means: A place where everyone secretly hates each other including students, staff and teachers and is a nightmare. They force you to do useless work while they also expect you to put up with peer pressure like your home life and social life.

now lets talk about my definition of school

school is a place i’ve been going for the past almost 17 years of my life
school is a place where i’ve a made a bunch of friends and a bunch of enemies

i’ve lost some friends
i’ve made some friends

i’ve dealt with heartbreak

but we all have

we’ve all gone through the make-up, break-up stuff

and now onto our second topic, bullying

i see some people here in the audience who i have taken a punch from

did i ever befriend them? no

they still treat me like i’m sort of pile of garbage on the side of the street waiting to be taken to the dump

why did i get bullied?

because i’m different

i dress different, i listen to different music, my haircut is different

but also because people like to question my sexuality

i’m straight

i am interested in females

“why do you care”, i say

“because you look gay”

how does one look gay?

do i take it as an insult? god no

there is nothing wrong with homosexuality in any sort of way

i have a shirt that says “i support same-*** marriage” and i’m proud to wear it

the point of all the stuff i’ve been saying about school is that school *****, but we need it.

the point of all the stuff i’ve been saying about bullying is that we all need to focus on important things like that because there are have been plenty of things like suicide and school shootings because of that one thing.

thank you

i remember all the nights you wanted to die and was almost unlucky enough to pull it off.

It all started with you telling me to close my eyes and that you have a little surprise for me.

We were laying in your bed with dim lights on and you grabbed my face and kissed me yet i kept my eyes closed because if i opened them ******* i would've seen the mistake i made and it would've dragged me into a self made hell i made in my imagination that was leaded by you

yet that hell would've been the only place where i felt comfortable so i opened my eyes and kissed you back to know what kissing a snake felt like

sometimes when i look at you i get chills down my body knowing that i love you but i wish i didnt

when i kissed you i closed my eyes wondering if what we had or would have one day is real

when i kiss your lips i start trembling but **** i cant help but kiss you

when i was at home alone you texted me

"hey im on my way to your house lets drive around"

we drove around talking about how big the universe is and how we're not alone and blah blah blah

then i was silent for about 20 seconds and you parked your car downtown and no one was around and you looked me in the eye and said "i love you"

i looked at you while you looked at me and said i love you too

and in my head i thought i wish i didnt

it was a week or two later we were driving to a restaurant and we held hands as you drove and your car went out of control and went off the bridge

i woke up a day later in a hospital bed with you in the bed next to mine but when i called your name something seemed a miss

your body was covered except for your hand which was hanging on the side and when i held it you were cold and i found out i was the only one who survived

at your funeral i laid a rose on your casket and told you i loved you but i wished i didnt

I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night you left a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

when i finished reading i felt as if i had been punched in the gut

there was just a deafening silence  

3 months later i walk into the coffee shop downtown and im in the sitting area writing stupid poems and i hear a sweet and soothing voice and i glance over and the girl in the apron behind the counter has completely blown me away

i look for like 6 seconds and she looks so i look away in an instant

i come back the next day and maybe this day ill have the courage to ask her out

or just buy a coffee and not have the guts to have a conversation with her

im in the sitting area once more and i walk to the counter and ask for a frappe and you make it for me i thank you and i walk away, there goes all my courage

the cartoon devil and angel on my shoulder climb into my brain fighting over what i should do

eventually the angel won

luckily youre on break

i walk up to you and tell you my name and you tell me yours and after 10 minutes of getting to know one another i ask you out on a date and as anxiety wraps his hand around my throat you say yes and he loosens it

we plan a date for saturday night

i drive to your house and on the way on the highway a car flipped over with ambulances on the scene i hope the driver is okay

i pull into your driveway and i go to your door and you open it as im about to knock and ******* you look so beautiful

we go to a restaurant of your choosing that ive never been to before and we talk about our childhood, and our current lives and i pay for the check and we head out

we still have time to spare so i ask if you wanna go stargazing and you happily agree

we drive up and luckily no one else is around i turn on the radio and we lay on the hood of the car and this turns into a daily thing for after our dates

a month later we're happily together as a couple and  your family loves me and my family loves you and i stop by the coffee shop everyday to say hi and grab a cup of coffee

but forward to 7 months later as things went downhill

we were living together

you barely looked at me anymore

you never wanted to go on dates or stargazing

you were never in the shop when i came in as if you were hiding from me

i walked into my room and there was a note from you

you were leaving me

a year later I was cleaning my room and i found a small box with a poorly carved heart

in it were polaroids we took and a note you left me the night i found your note a year ago

and i began to wonder why did i keep the note

why did i keep the only reminder i have of the night i lost everything

"its not you its me" how ******* cliche

i still make 11:11 wishes and wishes on shooting stars and i know theyll come true because my only wish is to spend the rest of my life with you.

my body is sober
and yours is not
my lungs aren't dead yet
but yours are close
will i ever see you again
yeah, probably not
did i ever love you?
i don't think so

we've trashed the house and now we've trashed our lives

we threw a tv out the window
left the trash can piled up
2 strangers
are sleeping on my couch
there's broken beer bottles on the top of my roof
and now there's a broken heart inside my chest

i'm in math class on the verge of going nuts because no one will shut the **** up

i'm only looking forward to later because i might go for a walk or listen to la dispute

the weather says it's supposed to be 50 degrees all day

i was forgetting all of my anger but now it's all i can think about since i can't stand any of these peoples voices in my eardrums

I'm just a kid who ***** up everything except the part where the love of his life came through and told him everything was gonna be fine... and she was right.

i figured happiness would be my top priority, not a letter that defines my intelligence.

September 26, 2014 6:25 am
I woke up this morning and went to Facebook and found out someone from school died last night

Someone I haven't spoken a word to in years, even though I pass them in the hall everyday

It was a car crash

This girl was my cousin
Not by blood but by marriage

7:22 am
I walked into school and didn't know what to expect
The sound of crying and grief numbed me

7:50 am
The principal makes an announcement about it and we have a moment of silence

9:15 am
we leave first period and the halls are quiet

10:10 am
I try to imagine what her parents and siblings must be going through
I can't even imagine what they must be going through

September 30, 2014

I wake up and go to school

Go through the day and go home

4:00 pm

We go into the church where the funeral is being held
There are at least 300 or more people there

The sounds of people crying is what made me ever more sadder

Watching her parents cry was the worst part

They then take her to the cemetery

I didn't go

I went that night

So many bouquets of flowers are on the ground

We stayed for about 20 minutes and headed out and I wondered when will be the next time we come back?

(J.A.)

For the past week I've fallen sleep at 6 or 7 am and I would give anything to go to bed at a decent time

Dear you,

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuc­kyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufucky­oufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou­fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufu­ckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

Si­ncerely, Josh

Hung around Quik Trip until we felt more success
Headed on the highway 5 minutes to 3
Put our location on the GPS
Had on my hood so no one could talk to me

A half-baked smile and a love to pretend,
But prior to then, love was nothing more to me than a vacation,
A vacant motivation,
To avoid the means it takes to reach any real end.
A sense of salvation,
But also an element of bitter hope,
To cope with the rope that was tied around my neck.

even though i'm happy in my current relationship even though we argue a lot, i think about killing myself every day. but, not because of her of course. mostly because of the stress of school and thinking every day that she's going to dump me and i don't think i'll be able to deal with heartbreak again. i don't want anyone else but her.

It's 4:21 am and I can't close these sleepy eyes because our skype call from like 15 minutes ago was amazing like you

It's 3:23 am where you are and you have work in like 8 hours so you're sleeping and when you awake you'll feel brand new

Hotel Books is playing on my spotify and it's so soothing, just as soothing as your voice is which is not like the other ones

You're 926 miles away and that's the only sad part but every other piece of this relationship is just so wonderful that words can't even describe what I've won

I love how we make each other laugh at the stupidest things and compliment each other a lot that it makes it so funny

I get to see you in like 332 days hopefully. The time we spend with each other in person will be some of the best memories of my life as everyone can see

I can't sleep due to the fact that I can call you mine
I love every tiny thing about you
Your eyes, your voice, your smile
If there's one thing I'm sure of its that your smile could make flowers bloom

I didn't really think I'd find a girl I admire as much as I do you
I love how much we have in common
It's as if we're the same person too

I love you

I love you

(J.A.)

Last night I fell to the kitchen floor getting a drink and started twitching and shaking

It felt like fear had stabbed his dagger through my chest

I went to my room, laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for 5 minutes wishing I could be ****** into space and not deal with the fear anymore

She hates waking up, dressing up, and going through the same routine
God she must hate being a teen

Dealing with the same ******* every single day
God she's tired of taking the **** they say

Everyone would take a look at her  teared up eyes and say "oh you're fine"

Make-up dripping from her face
God she must hate picking up the pace

Going home, tears still in her eyes
Her parents come up with the most amazing lies

Eats dinner, brushes her teeth, quietly goes back to sleep

Repeats everything all over again with the same heartbeat

(J.A.)

i still remember when we'd stay up til 3 am messaging each other talking about music

now i can't even bare to look in your eyes or even say your name

the shirt i gave you probably smells like cigarettes and alcohol by now

you always told me to slow my words down so you could understand me

but maybe you didn't understand what pain i was trying to explain

half of my summer consisted of sadness and cigarettes thanks to you

i know what you did to me because i was there on the other side of the wall

while you were with the guy you didn't know, i was sitting at the fire being warmed by it and not you

(J.A.)

I had a dream
I was in a car with a few of my friends
We were driving down through a neighborhood and all of a sudden we crashed into a tree in front of a house
I went through the windshield and so did the driver
There were no survivors

A wife, husband, and a child who was like 7-8 were standing in the doorway of their house
The husband walked over and was almost in grief
About 5 minutes later you could hear the ambulance sirens dwell

People crowded around behind caution tape
Children were asking their parents what happened and they told them various answers

The ambulances hauled our bodies off
The news was all over it...

in 7 years i still won't miss your second hand smoke

DON'T stress out your child because of their grades
DON'T physically hit your child
DON'T call you child worthless
DON'T tell your child you're not proud of them

Your child looks up to you and sees you as their role model, don't make their future look bleak.

we lied down on her bed
and she told me the story of how her father left
with a cigarette in her left hand
and my hand in her right
she spoke with sound of sadness and
she looks at the wall
and hangs on it is
a photo of her father
she wraps her arms around me
and she cries for what seems like
an eternity

how did i spend my 16th birthday?
listening to my parents argue

where did i go?
nowhere, just my room

was it celebrated at all?
no

was it anything to remember?
**** no

sit my head on my desk
while the teacher speaks

speaking about equations
and factoring

doodle on the wood
as i doze off

i'm wondering what i'll dream about

maybe about my future
maybe about my past

maybe about life
maybe about death

When you get back on that plane I will be scared to say I miss you

Mere seconds after I see your face through the plane window my lips will long for yours like they did for almost a year