Living on this planet
Is causing growing animosity
For I do not fear death
It's more like a curiosity
Transcending this dimension
As my energy is released
Ending this ostracism
And anguish will be ceased
I do not wish to die, you see
But thoughts linger in my head
What's the point of being here
When all I feel is dread?

It's not the memories that hurt.
I seldom find myself lost amongst those painful reveries.
No, it's much deeper than that.

It's not logical or tangible.
It's an inexplicable feeling,
Or lack there of.
A void.
Deeper than conscious thought.

It's molecular.
As if the atoms that create my existence mourn your presence.
Perhaps they grew fond of the way our forms were intertwined.
Vibrating in unison to an unheard melody.
They moved together in harmony.
They united for a time only to be torn apart by shallow egos and petty differences.

That's where the perpetual longing originates from.
They grieve your absence with an incessant hum that whispers your name throughout my body. Pleading with me to fix this.

Sigh.
Sounds better than admitting I actually miss the *******.
It's not me, I swear, it's my ******* atoms! Do I look like a physicist to you!? I don't know how to reinvent the atom!!

The allure of your darkness was swept across my sky with the frigid winds outside the pane.
Perhaps for no other reason than to remind me of my own.
Your consuming presence is heavy in the reality of your absence.
A keen awareness battles the anxious tremors as I realize it is all a product of myself.
Dark clouds I have painted in my own sky. A cloak for that I don't want to see. A reflection I may not recognize nor do I wish to confront.
What that may be is a mystery, even now.
A soothing relief, perhaps. For it was never really you. A mere metaphor and nothing more. A tool. A key to unlock another passage of my halls I've yet to travel.
If only I could build up the courage to open the door.

I can feel my soul awakening
Bursting new life like the budding trees in spring
Anxious to grow again
For it was dormant in the desolate winter of my dark past
Hiding within this shell of a body
Almost lifeless
But I can feel it now
The warmth of the sun kisses my skin
With a promise of a new beginning
Caressing my bones with a reminder that I have withstood the blizzards of time
Though, Not unscathed
I must push forth and regrow the life I once knew
All with the knowledge of what the darkness holds
And I can feel it
This time I will bloom with a fierceness of life in all of its beautiful glory.

I cannot recall when it happened,
Was it a week, a month, a day?
All that remains is silence now
since the words, they went away.
They used to flow like waves
Sailing ships across my mind
But it appears the breeze was lost
Somewhere and now I’m in a bind.
Was it a who? A what? A where? A why?
Is it truly lost for good?
I’ve searched near and far for it
And I’ve done the best I could
Now, I sit here in the graveyard
Of all the prose I’ve wrote before
Reading every old tomb stone
Just to feel alive once more.
I plead for them to return to me
But my voice just echoes on
I would’ve said I loved you so,
If I knew that you’d be gone.

21 days
They say for the end of withdrawals
And it's out of your system
But my mind didn't listen
Because it's still enthralled

21 days
In ways I wish you were a drug
To explain this craving
I surely need saving
From the hole that I've dug

21 days
In a haze searching for a cure
Your infection is spreading
Tears over my bedding
How much more can I endure?

21 days
Here I lay still thinking about you
I must confess
I'm still a mess
But I'm starting to pull through

21 days
It pays to find someone new
When I heard his voice
My new drug of choice
To get me over you.

You build your walls higher
With each passing year
With every new heartache
Laying new bricks of fear
Until there's four walls around your heart
And every relation is doomed from the start
For no one can live from inside of a cage
Breakups tend to illicit your rage
But Show the world yourself intact
Vulnerability is a courageous act
Don't let rejection make you afraid
Please tear down those bricks that you've laid
Before you're buried in the ground
In the casket framed by walls around
Free yourself before it's too late
Or a loveless life will be your fate
Put your egos to the side
If you truly want to feel alive
Don't follow the trend like the rest
Failure is part of the road to success
And hating love is the latest fashion
If you ask me, the world needs more compassion
So when push comes to shove
Move right on and spread the love
Hold your head up high
With each goodbye
Let it go, don't wonder why
Always Give love another try
It's the only thing that never dies.

There was a time when I sought comfort sleeping through the storm..
But now I lay awake listening to the howling winds outside my window and feel a morose sympathy towards its agonizing call
As if, it too is out there searching for some kind of peace
An aching reminder of a more tranquil time.

The habit began
To **** the pain
After the trauma
I wasn't quite sane
It held me up
My crutch, my cane
Through all my mistakes
It shared the blame
The hard way taught
Me how to change
Then Years went by
And the baby came
So one by one
Old demons were slain
No longer wild
I started to tame
Sneaking away
Filled me with shame
But smoke like claws
Are dug into my brain
So I light one up
And stare at the flame
I love it too much
But I hate it the same
With defeated lungs
And yellow stains
I'll close the chapter
Of memory lane
I'll quit tomorrow
And break these chains.

I never feel as lonely as I do surrounded by other people. I only feel whole in the rare moments of solitude. What a morose epiphany. I’m not quite sure which is worse, actually being alone forever or being with those who make you feel alone. Perhaps it’s a paradox of sorts, both are needed at times to make you appreciate the other. Sigh.

What a foolish word.
To think anyone deserves anything is naive at best. Such arrogance is destined to be disappointed time and again. You get what you put in, and sometimes you don’t even get that. Such is life. Humanity as a whole believes they are superior in every way and yet here we are. A false sense of entitlement to what we think we deserve. Ignorance at its finest. You don’t deserve **** and that’s just the cold, hard truth.

It seems these antihistamines
Are causing reoccurring dreams
For every time I go to bed
The same old scene is in my head
Like the one where all my teeth fall out
As I sit and pluck them out of my mouth
This one causes a lot of strife
For I've had this dream my entire life
So I searched for answers everywhere
And this is what they had to share
The native said it signifies
Remorse I feel from telling lies
Which I guess would be appropriate
I tend to say things I regret
So I went to see a medium
To trace back where this all begun
We tried to get mister Jung
But as the Latin rolled off her tongue
To our surprise
Before our eyes
Stood the spirit of Sigmund Freud
Claiming I need *** to fill the void
A conversation I'd rather avoid
Needless to say we ended the spell
I gave her my paycheck and bid farewell
And as I exited out to the street
I almost hung my head in defeat
But the natives words came back to me
Bringing a sudden epiphany
It occurred to me as I was walking
I really need to just stop talking.
Perhaps I'll be a silent monk
To help me get out of this funk
But that just sounds absurd
I can figure out how this problem incurred
I don't need to see a therapist
Or invoke a psychoanalyst  
I will just continue on my quest
Until I obtain some dreamless rest
I'm sure I can find the connection
By immersing in more self-reflection
So when I go to bed tonight
I'll study my dreams with all my might!!

Life's a ying and yang
Darkness and the light
A balance must be found
To separate day from night
To be happy on this ride
You must try to understand
The obstacles that you face
In this hourglass of sand
Your soul is like a coin
Each side must be faced
Your angels and your demons
To be accepted and embraced
Do not fear dark or light
For you surely will be lost
Accept it all entirely
No matter what the cost.
Learn to know thyself
Instead of drowning in the pain
Avoiding any part of you
Will make you go insane.

In a relationship
I'm not equipped
I'm too empathic,
The change is drastic
When in a union
I become a chameleon
I adapt
Till I'm trapped
I give to live
Until I find
My mind
Is gone again
I push away
My love it strays
In a daze
Stumbling
Fumbling
We're done
I run
To find clarity
My identity
Alone
At home
I yearn
To learn
Solidarity
Sincerity
For me
To be
Able to see
Entirely
My identity
As a singular
Entity
You see
It's not you
It's me
That needs
Protection
From your affection
That I lose
When I choose
Not to mingle
I need to be
Single

The struggle to regulate emotion
Is difficult when they arrive as waves
But originate from an ocean
Trying to fold it all together
Like a beautiful origami
Unintentional suppression
Which culminates into a tsunami
That crashes down on your illusion
Bursting through the levy
And drowning in the confusion
Of self discovery
As vast as the universe within
A perplexing mystery
Inside of me
Searching for a place to begin
My quest
As I observe my ego
And balance the rest
When the tides cleanse the slate
Of internal distress accrued
Perhaps I'll wade amongst the water
And find the answer I've pursued.

Her patience evaporated like a drought.
Fire raged from her lips and poured out her mouth
Volcanic emotions cease to be contained
The sky turned dark and smoldered with pain
Whispered words from turtle doves
Ugly little push an shove
Slaughtered hope is on her face
Wounded heart with no embrace
The sparkle retreats from her eyes
The hole created when stars die.
A Void in an empty space
Bitter words with after taste
Wash it away with the ocean tide
And drift away with no goodbyes.

I want to suffer in the bliss of agony
And drown amongst my overwhelming sorrow
It hurts even more that I have no choice but to keep myself together
When I want so desperately to be numb
The darkness is calling out my name
As I try my best to ignore the comfort of its song
I long for the poison. Coursing through my veins
As the blackness erases all of the pain
And I just want to fade away until it's gone

I have an autumn soul
For I am a child of the fall
And in the dying chill
You'll see the beauty of it all
My light is warm and soothing
But there is a frigid side
For lurking in the shadows
A wintry pain resides
So knit it all together
And bundle your heart tight
Beneath the hooded sweaters
Lies the darkness and the light.

My hopeful thoughts have shimmered away,
Like fireflies in the darkness of summer nights..
I thought I saw a spark..
But now it's gone...
I search in the shadows,
But once again it has retreated.
I'm left to wonder if it was my imagination again..
A mere facade in the night.
Impulsively I seek to numb it,
But in the anguish I may find something better than relief...
To feel it all with the burning realization
That there was nothing ever there.

I was just a small snowflake
Amongst the flurries in your world
I gracefully steered clear of the high walls of brick
A majestic descent
That captured your gaze
Like a ballerina on the stage
But that crooked smile
Appeared on your face
As your callous eyes watched me fall to my demise
Only to end my journey
Dissolving into the icy asphalt
Of your blackened heart.

She could never decipher the intentions behind the feeling. Fragile little fleeting emotions, not to be trusted. For she loved with a hesitation that it would one day be gone. But was love even love at all? Did she only gaze up in wonder at the moon because of the distance between? Loving something that would be forever out of reach in fear it just might love her back.

There was a heavy sadness in her eyes, as if a decade of lonely nights took refuge in her tiny frame. She carried it well. The pain. She had grown numb to it, the blows only stung at first until the waves of agony rippled out into her tranquil lake of despair. Perhaps it was more of a friend to her, for it was the only one who was always there. The pain was loyal. The only one that never left. If not for it, how would she know she even existed? What would there even be besides a void? Nothingness. Perhaps she needed the pain, which is just as well because it certainly wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. It had moved in long ago. Long before it was even welcome. A permanent resident. A fixture. Embedded into her very existence. No, it wasn’t leaving, it would be there always.

I'm better off hitting rock bottom
All this constant lingering in the free falling downward spiral is agonizing torture
I reach for something to cling to and yet I'm still slipping, I can feel it
Once I secure myself in the depths of not sinking any lower I can begin to strategize my Ascension
When there's nowhere to go but up
My tendency towards a nihilistic disposition is a disheartening cynicism
And right now I just need something to believe in
No matter how temporary that belief may be.

Your memory hangs on the wall of my mind like a prized work of art. In those moments, when lost in a day dreaming daze, I drift through the halls of my gallery and find you there. Each emotion painting a different perspective of your canvas in constant flux, an abstract view that changes with the phases of the moon. But I can’t look away. The boldness of the hue leaving me in awe, yet the blood streaks down from my bleeding heart, reminiscent of the agony of the wound that’s still open. I lock it in the room in the corner of my thoughts, like a *******, a glutton for the pain that the sight of you brings. I can’t bring myself to take it down, despite the pleas from my tired soul. I cling to that moment captured in time, in foolish hope that one day you will return. Return to acknowledge all the love, pain, and destruction that created these masterpieces in my collection. If only you could see the passion in every brush stroke. The subtle way the pigment whispers the truth of my intentions. Maybe then, you too will be in awe. Maybe then, you’d want to stay.

He saw her through the tower window.
Silhouetted by candle light
Her beauty quite breath taking
On this cold November night
High above the tree tops
Imprisoned in the stone
She was far too pretty
To be trapped up there alone
So he fought his way to the top
This damsel deserved his best
He slaughtered the mighty dragon
Blood smeared across his chest
He made his way to the door
And found to his surprise
He could not break it down
Because she barricaded the inside
A scream from the room
You fool she hissed and said
I want to be here by myself
And now my pet is dead!
You ruined my castle
With your disgusting little plight
I am no damsel in distress
And you sir
Are no ******* knight!

The perpetual longing for this desire I can't quite put into words has washed over me like a subtle wave. Drowning me with this agonizing emotion which cannot be quelled. This empty void that plagues me like an unquenchable thirst. I'm not sure I could fill it, even if knew exactly what "it" was to begin with.

Under the light of the neon moon she inhales the last drag...
In hopes it would slow the rhythm
Of the dancing demons in her restless mind.

A verdict was reached today. A jury of my peers depicted my character flaws and the judgement ruled I am an awful human being. The defense tried to argue the validity of my consistency towards psychosis but the commonwealth didn’t buy it. Now I’m left here, awaiting my sentence.... as if I wasn’t already serving it. When time is a mere construct that passes awfully slow. What is to make of concrete walls when I’ve been trapped within the square my entire existence? A little more time. A few more dreadful stares. As if any of it really matters at all? Just give me my ball to bounce against the walls of this construct until my time is over. Satisfaction is a mere state of mind and perhaps if I get the angle just right it will catapult back in my face and end it all for good.

It’s like a constant tremor beneath my skin, as much a part of me as the blood flowing through my veins. A perpetual angst that cannot be quelled. Though I keep reaching out, desperate to get out of the current before it pulls me under. Yet it has no name. The origin is unclear. I feel it on the tips of my fingers but it forever evades my grasp. It whispers to me like the autumn breeze though I cannot decipher the direction it blows. My internal compass is broken thus I keep retracing my steps. A repetitious journey on the same path when I can’t even pinpoint my destination. Wherever that may be, I just want to feel at peace...if only I could find due north

There will be no sleeping
As the same old feelings start creeping up my spine
I'm trying to unwind
Yet I'm anxious
Fidgety
There's no room for rest in this queen size bed
As my heart continues pumping this ache to my head
And my mind
Ever so stubborn
fights it instead
An age old battle
Between logic and emotion
If only I could apply
The same unwavering devotion
to something other than insomnia
So I'll let out a sigh...
There's no room for tears
When the what ifs and the whys
Are a pointless endeavor
So my mind will continue
To persuade my heart to sever
This anchoring string
That's drowning my soul
And this whole weighted memory
Will be a fling
In the graveyard of my past lovers.

It never ceases to amaze me how enamored I am by the moon.
There's some sort of energetic mystical connection to my soul.
The way it  illuminates the darkness. It's mere poetic existence. It's breath taking.

It reminds me of who I am.
It whispers to me through the shadows.

As are the phases of life, the moon tells a similar story.

Unable to show the world her true potential. For even on the fullest of nights, when she's shining in all her magnificent glory, there still remains a darkness unseen. Unexplored. To that of which no man may ever see. The dark side that she keeps locked away.

She lets the sun dictate her beauty. She knows it's always there, but she won't shine without his light giving her courage to be seen.
And even then, with all his radiating love exposing her magnificence, she still conceals her darkness. It's her mystery. Always there hiding behind her entrancing allure.

Her mere existence makes waves. She can cloak herself in darkness yet the tide still pulls, longing to reach her. Desperate to get closer.

She's never whole for long. Her courage seems to dissipate soon after he leaves. Completeness is soon replaced with an empty sky. For in an ever changing universe there must always be highs and lows. Phases of life entrapped in a never ending cycle.

You may not always feel whole, but there's someone out there that still loves you when you're shrouded in darkness, that will seek you out when you're incomplete. For even a crescent is beautiful when you know what the shadows conceal.

I’ve been resisting the current for some time now as if I’m determined to sink instead of learning how to float. I know how I feel but I’m terrified of actually feeling at all. I’m tired of being dragged around the same whirlpool yet what the **** lies out yonder? What a ******* irony because I’ve been drowning in the sea of schnapps for years. It’s all clear yet the weight pulls me under. Do I inhale the liquid or fight to the surface? Maybe drowning isn’t the most peaceful way to die after all as I choke for life once more.

Once or twice I met the reaper
In the dark despair of night
Inner battles kept on waging
And there was no end in sight
I begged of her to take me
Towards the warm embracing light
She ignored my painful pleas
Perhaps the timing wasn't right
I had almost lost all hope
With the never ending fight
Her wanted poster on my arm
Tattooed just in spite
A set of keys and whiskey
Cars can fly just like a kite
Soon after those events
Change started to take flight
A gift of a son
Made my world much more bright
The anguish has retreated
And I'm starting to feel alright
So, Please thank her when you meet her
there's a good chance that you might
Im grateful to be here now
If only for tonight.

She rests her head
Over the stains of my pleasure
That thought alone
Makes me feel better
She goes for your phone
But I know you won't let her
Because you're  still holding on
To our love with a tether
The string that binds us
That you refuse to sever
You ask for me back
But I'm far too clever
Your words mean nothing
When you say you regret her
I will not go back
Sorry love,
Never.

Sometimes I hope to pass you by,
Like the moon visible during the day,
Longing to feel a bit of your light
Before the darkness creeps in again.
Our souls will greet
For a fleeting moment
Across the sky
Until you cower below the horizon
And once again, say goodbye.
For all the stars in the universe
I sit back and wonder why
Only you could light my world
But eventually, all stars,
They die.

Time passes by like a leaf blowing in the autumn breeze
Yet here I stand, frozen in place, swaying in a desperate attempt to be seen, but unable to move forward. Rooted in the ground. Stationary like the giant oak tree.
Like parasites, those around me leech off my energy. They breathe me in, and yet wouldn't hesitate to cut me down, light me on fire and gaze into the flames with pure delight at my demise. With my last act on this earth, I vow to keep you warm as you revel in your selfish endeavors. There's nothing left but ash and dust, so throw me away if you must, in search of your next plundering conquest of your self indulging lust..

You're an anomaly
He said to me
A little crazy
But to Mr. Swayze
You're like the wind
Always travelin'
In different directions
I think his intentions
Implied a compliment
But it felt like cement
As it brought me down
Because I've found
That to be unique
You'll face critique
In a world that conforms
You'll surely adorn
A kind of pariah
As you start to acquire
The loneliness
Becoming depressed
By the need to connect
When they're all inept
To the concept
Of your strange perception.

Love may be the most powerful force..
A joyous, light feeling,
Embodying the true meaning of happiness...
It's unworldly,
Esoteric.
But in my opinion,
Nothing makes you feel more alive than pain.
The all consuming agony.
The truest reminder of the human condition.
As your spirit begs..
Pleads..
With every essence of your being,
Please just let me out...
PLEASE!
it's too much, I can't bear it..
Held captive in one's own skin
The blissful torment of solitude.
That's being alive.
And darling,
I sure am living.

It's not enough to merely tell me
I need your words to compel me
Each breath to leave me hanging on
To the cliff my heart rests upon
Ready to jump as soon as you fumble
Be cautious in your words that mumble
Along the edge of my mistrust
For I will leave if I must
At the first mention of a cage
Your chapter will end and I'll start a new page
For I'm a bird flying free
Gaze up at the sky and see
Me soaring up above
Without the confines of your love
Despite the devotion you professed
I will not be possessed
For the sake of your insecurities
Fear expressed through jealousies
Your use of lusting attraction
Only serves as a distraction
From yourself you seek to hide
Ignoring pain you feel inside
So take a look into the mirror
Until you see a little clearer
Don't ask me for my hand
Until you begin to understand
And perhaps you learn the lesson
Love is about appreciation
Not possession.

In love with my skin
I shine from within
The truest wealth
Is loving thyself

I feel like an alien in my own skin again
The overwhelming urge to leave my body radiates through me like an anxious tremor
I try to convey my angst to those around
But it seems my words are unable to articulate my all consuming yearning
The desire for some reassurance is annihilated by blank stares and misconstrued words against fragile egos drowned in self absorption
It's pure agony
Please tell me that someday it will all be okay
That I will align with a purpose and feel a tranquil sense of fulfillment
Instead of this incessant energy running rampant throughout my tiny frame
Surely I'm bound to spontaneously combust
For I fear the profound is churning rapidly without any hope of release
And it's only a matter of time until I burst within the darkness.

I spend each day counting the minutes until it's over
Holding on to nothing more than strings of guilt and obligation
What love can I give to this little boy?
When all my thoughts are screaming to die
I wonder how much longer until they tell me he'll be better off without me.

A walking contradiction
Speaking truth but living fiction
Chasing these words
An unrelenting addiction
Write it, just write it out
Find a connection
The lines must overlap
To explain this infection
Of incessant poetic streams
In search for direction
It seems my spirit
Needs a resurrection.

Like a ominous storm
Dark urges arise
Like lines on mirror
With pinned up eyes
A longing for touch
With tingling thighs
Gasping for air
Heaving up cries
Like burning flesh
As endorphins surprise
A shadow of life
With hope for demise
Comforting words
Are daggers of lies
To believe all you say
Would just be unwise
The thought of you
I've come to despise.

Alone.
Stumbling through the sands of time
In search of shiny pebbles of hope
Buried beneath the never ending
Piles of ****
Defecated in our paths by those who came before us
Polluting our future with lies
Foreshadowing years ahead
Impending destruction and doom
A weight I feel heavy on my soul
An obligation to leave my path in life bountiful for those who tread it after me
Littered only with shiny pebbles of hope
Of love and beauty
Light and laughter
It is my mission
My legacy
Walk beside me
And our journey through the sands of time
Will cause ripples together.

The smell of you is on my sheets
There’s ***** on the wall
Three empty bottles near my feet
I think I drank them all
Awoke to find you here
Though I truly can’t recall
The night before unclear
Did we **** or have a brawl?
Please wake up and leave
I’ll walk you down the hall
Feel like I’m going to heave
And you’ll probably never call.

He asks me how I feel
As I'm struggling to decipher what is
And isn't real
Drowning within emotion
As I try to sever this subconscious
Devotion to an illusion
Confusion of delusion
Becoming lost along the way
The cost of worth I cannot pay
searching deep within
Determined to begin
Calling forth my sense of will
To self reflect until
I stop ignoring the signs
Reestablishing the lines
Of my self esteem
That I will redeem
Because it's mine!
As I straighten out my spine
I look up and say
I'm fine.
Even though it may not seem it
This time I really mean it.

This perpetual exhaustion is becoming heavier
At times I fear it's consuming every fragment of my being
Like a dense fog that creeps in, obscuring the beauty of the untouched landscape
It has smothered my enthusiasm and shrouded my mind
Each day as the sun sets
The light that once illuminated my eyes is stifled by the unrelenting shadows of fatigue.
My perception drowns amongst the sleepy tears and sinks by the weight of my jaded heart.

I awoke from a dream
Confined within the seam
Of a dreadful yearning ache
As I tried not to break
The memory of my sleep
Though still it creeped away
Frayed by the grip of reality
Again the feeling of duality
Rushes over me
Where did I go?
And yet, I think I know...
Watching myself in another dimension
As this reality was in suspension
I broke through the tension
Of the physical realm
Traveling at the helm
Of my souls journey through
Another point of view
Of the different sides of me
Expressed in alternate realities
Strengthening the complete entity
Of my being
By seeing all of my potential
And it seems quintessential
To hold on to this essence
Of wholeness that I do not possess
In any single reality awake
So for the sake of my sanity
I need to consciously recall
The entirety of it all
And replay the subconscious streaming
Of experiences while I'm dreaming
Of myself in another world
as it starts to unfurl
My soul merges in complete unity
Of every possibility
Embodying who I aspire to be
In the pleasantry of rest
I will learn to become my best
Form of my True self today
Please, oh please just stay
But the memory starts to slip away
Leaving an empty hope and sorrow
I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

In my mind you're a scientist
That sadistic smile sparkles
With the glow of your white lab coat
Another day of tweaking the variables
Measuring the effects of each experiment
Carefully calibrating the potency of your words
To acquire a more spectacular combustion
All just to see
If the power of your consuming lust
Can put out the flames once more
Or if your fragile test subject
Will finally reach her breaking point
And shatter into a state of no return.