with the dawn of
four a.m.
the pen bleeds
keystrokes weep
for the heart pours
when the soul can't sleep
at half past
four a.m.
the seconds trickle
moments crawl
thoughts begin to race
as a fog consumes them all
upon the dusk of
four a.m
the silence flows
the mind reseals
the soul feels safe
as the peaceful quiet heals

I will not
be trapped within a web of lies
created by my own mind.
For far too long,
from myself, I've tried to hide
Far too late and long ago,
too many lines were crossed
because I did not know
how much affect my actions hold.
Now that I've begun to grow
I'm seeing things I always should have known.
I need to love myself, and my heart of gold.
In the mirror, I look me in the eyes,
as realization dawns on me I start to smile.
The best part about my mind
is that it's mine, and that is why,
I decide, to no longer be,
trapped within
my own web of lies.

Scarlet rain briskly dances, from the leaky vein.
Casting out sadness and pain,
as it makes it's way toward the drain.
I wake forth with strain,
as the images fade through the mist of my brain.

You and I and the silky sounds of the sea,
soft and slow,
sweetly stepping without rest,
suddenly we're silently stowed away,
secluded within a ship,
setting sail toward secret sands,
starry skies spying through these surging storms.
Surrounded by electric energy,
engulfing you and me,
endangering the empty empathy,
encouraging us closer to elation's edge,
endorphins eat away our earlier engagements,
and everything escapes through your eyes.  
Accepting the expressive expectations,
exposing the explanation of excitement,
exploring and extracting,
exceptional new examples,
as we exit this reality,
upon our pure ecstasy.

Oh how you run freely through my veins,
carefree and joyous as if playfully jumping trains,
controlling me,
you're a puppet master,
you hold my reins.
Oh how you run freely through my veins.

My choices are mine to make,
and the risks are fine to take,
because it's my happiness that's at stake.
And yes, at times, I'll fall,
and that's okay because to me, I will call,
I'll pick myself up and stand tall,
when faced with a challenge, I will jump that wall.
No longer in a stagnant pool,
I'll no longer be a fool,
The river of my life is now flowing free,
the dam that held for so long,
has been broken by me.
A breath of air in my lungs,
I've already decided to take the plunge,
At this point I will never go back,
no turning now, I will not slack,
I've set my course, I will stay on track.
Never again, will I go back.

Through the fog,
his figured appeared,
atop a hill,
upon a steed.
With a glare,
in his stare,
he said to me;
Go tell the others,
your sisters and brothers,
your fathers and mothers,
tell them the day is near,
for soon the Lord shall come,
out of the fog,
He shall appear.

To you.
Wherever you are,
whenever you read this,
know that it's just for you.
...
You're sad,
you're angry,
and hurt.
Confused and frustrated
doesn't even begin to explain
the inner pain.
But I know.
I do.
I've been where you are,
I've felt that hurt,
I've cried those tears,
I've screamed those words.
I've torn myself apart,
down to little shreds,
drowning and dreading,
ready to give up.
Don't.
Because, here's the thing.
I know it's familiar,
I know you're used to it.
I know you think you're at the end.
But you're not.
Take a deep breath with me,
and feel the truth of my words.
You. Are. Loved.
You are Not alone in this.
I swear,
and I wish I could stress it more,
if no one else is there,
know that I am.
I am here.
Telling you how beautiful and deserving of life you are.
Because it's true.
You're so much braver than you know.
You have so much to offer this world.
There absolutely is a purpose for you.
That purpose is not and never will be,
for you to end your own life.
I know that because I am here today.
These words I'm telling you,
they aren't just pulled out of the air.
I'm telling you this,
because I can,
because someone cared.
I'm telling you this,
on purpose,
so that you remember,
and trust,
that you are loved and not alone.
...
Please, Please don't forget that.

Back Down, I say.
My own voice struggles for strength and footing
against the tide of lies.
Stop It Now, I say.
I know the truth, I know I shouldn't,
feeding the voices isn't wise.
But it's so easy,
to get lost in the words,
like an addiction,
I hate the need,
I hate the urge,
I hate the truth,
I love the hate.
But then, sometimes, out of nowhere, I arise.
Lifting off the icy stone floor of which I often fall,
I feel myself begin to crawl, I ****** up and rise again,
standing tall I breathe in the light, no longer feeling quite so small,
I find a door that leads me down an endless hall,
Unknown urgency flares within and I start to run,
to where it all began,
I retrace the steps that must have brought me here.
Until suddenly I'm back to a younger me,
watching from above
I see how I was,
Happy, kind, loving, innocent, careless, carefree,
I was alive.
I stay and watch as years go by,
slowly at first I see a change,
quicker the images pass,
now I'm able to see,
the invisible chains that snuck up and captured me.
I re-watch my struggles,
I rehear my pleas.
Countless times I'd cried out for me not to be me.
Fear and pain became a cage
prison bars,
holding,
enclosing,
smaller and smaller,
squeezing tighter and tighter,
isolating from the happy world outside.
But..
Wait.
What's this?
A mirror?
An escape?
Taking the slender ornate handle,
the fragile oval of glass,
incapable of untruth,
I cautiously peer into me.
Expecting nothingness,
a single tear gathers,
as it falls it triggers an onslaught of followers.
A shocked laughed bursts forth like a gasp,
they quicken until I'm laughing like I've not in years
fueling joyful tears,
they wet my aching smiling cheeks.
It wasn't nothing,
that I saw in my own eyes.
...
It was love.
It was, always has been,
always will be,
love.

Mother, I awake.  Might I kiss your face again tonight.
My Daughter, soft and bright, I gracefully accept the honor of your light.
Mother, beautiful are your waters, so calming they are to me.
Daughter, you may have them, tide them with the dreams you weave.
Mother, your many children, they know not which way to go.
My Daughter, brilliantly lit guided paths, to them, you may show.
Mother, sleepiness overtakes and beckons me to bed.
Yes, My Daughter, Father rises soon, come to me and rest your head.
One last yawn, before the dawn, she then whispered, to her mom.
Mother, I love you.
Closing the distance with a kiss, she whispered back, full of bliss.
I love you too, My Moon.

Burning up inside my chest
are hundreds of words,
spoken to myself,
just to be burned,
turned to ash with all the rest.
I've wanted to say
so many things to you,
I've even built up the courage,
to say at least a few.
Do you realize,
why I need to scream,
why I need to hit the wall,
why I wish this was a dream,
why I wish the whole facade would fall?
The reason is the trapped words,
the words that hide,
they're the reason for the frustrated tears in my eyes
they're the reason why out of humiliation and anger I cry
they're the reason why it doesn't matter how hard I try,
why it doesn't matter how hard you try.
There are words that I need to say,
there are words you need to hear,
but due to present fear,
the words will need to wait another day.

I'm sorry for a lot of things.
To you specifically,
I'm sorry that I didn't know you longer,
before letting you have everything,
before letting you have my all,
before building a short-lived life with you.
I'm sorry that I held your hand,
and told you I'd be yours,
before I knew the true definition of you.
I'm sorry to you, dear lover of mine,
that our time must end,
and our love must be given over to the past.
I'm sorry that because of these things,
you're suffering and feel like you're drowning.
I'm sorry that I furnished an apartment,
made our space into a home,
and now must take back all of my things.
I wish it could be different,
I wish I would have known you longer,
learned you longer,
long enough to see you deeper depths,
before jumping in head first.
Had I known,
Oh, God, had I known
that you were hiding so much from me,
from yourself,
I would have simply not gotten so close.
I see you now as I did then,
I see you as innocent,
though I know you are certainly not.
I see you as truthful and kind,
though I know you've not been.
I see you as mine,
though you are no longer.
Because I was blind to your truth,
I can never see you as I should have all along.
For thinking I saw you and knew you,
I'm sorry  to me.

In a life,
that we have,
as short as this,
did you know,
all you need to do
to succeed
In this game,
Is live for Love.
...
And this doesn't mean love only for yourself!
Love love for the sake of love!
Promote that.
Live your life,
your existence,
for Love.
...
Doing so, I promise,
that you will not only,
heal and nurture yourself,
but also every one around you
during this brilliant expanse
of life,
which should be lived,
for Love.

Flawless and effortlessly, life falls together,
stitching itself into a cosmic tapestry,
to be hung on the wall of infinity.

He told me I hold his heart.
I'm struck with the urgent need to protect this delicate piece of him.
My love, I promise unto thee,
I will give your heart every and anything it may need.
I will do whatever I must to prevent his fragile heart from breaking.
With my touch, my loving caress,
I will whisper healing care into your rhythmic melody.
I will wash my hands,
with surgical precision,
I will remove any and all stains of past sin,
So that I'll not mar your beautiful heart.
He told me I hold his heart.
I will do so for as long as it is mine,
with unconditional love,
with gentle care,
with fierce passion.

God, all this hatefulness inside of me,
I smile everyday,
So no one can see.
But it's clawing and tearing away,
until I'm gone and there's nothing left to me.
I don't know why I feel this way,
or what this is,
but I'm telling you now,
That I'm at the end and don't know how,
to stop these thoughts
bouncing around inside my head,
Everyday I picture me dead.
No, this isn't a ******* cry for help,
I'm just letting you know,
that I ******* hate myself.
Now doesn't that sound a bit dramatic,
it's not like I'm an addict,
or ******, murderer or maniac,
I'm not a psychopath
who wants to turn his back,
on his past,
or to revel in the fact,
that his family's gone,
or he's lost his home,
it's none of that.
It's just,
that I'm at the point,
where every time I close my eyes,
it's no surprise,
that these thoughts arrive,
they hide,
deep inside, deep inside so no one knows,
this calm young guy is about to blow,
with no where to go,
how to deal with it,
I don't know.
But I know that one day when,
I finally get the strength to say
"**** it all" and open up,
then they'll see,
what's been hiding here,
within my head,
they'll see this beast rip its way,
through my heart,
And any little bit that's left of me will go away.
Then I'll be,
the real true me,
don't you see that I'm on the edge
of the abyss,
that faces me.
And I'm not scared of the things that I could do,
though I should and so should you,
because locked inside,
behind a cage of seemingly innocent eyes
there truly is a beast inside,
waiting for the day
when this crazy ****** snaps the bars,
and let's him play.
That will be the day that I will disappear,
and that's the day that you should fear,
no I will not shed a tear,
because I will be done and gone,
down and out,
but it's the here and now that makes me cry out,
swelling up inside of me,
I pour fourth all these emotions,
behind closed doors for no one else to see.
Distracting myself from the shaking bars inside my chest,
is the only way to get some rest,
but it's no use,
I'm like a bomb with an invisible fuse,
And though I'm used to being used,
and can't picture myself doing those things to you,
so before I break,
before I loose,
an inner battle between me and me,
I need to go,
and free myself from the ones I love,
before it's all too late.
Here as a last act which isn't hate,
I will take myself away,
far away,
from you so that you won't suffer through,
this thing that latches on,
and keeps its grip with icy claws,
you don't need to see my flaws,
I want you to remember me as the kid I was,
so here I go,
I'm out the door,
I need to leave and start again, somewhere new,
maybe then my beast,
I will learn,
to subdue,
but until that day when you're safe
for me to be me,
I will stay away,
far, far away.

Against the wind
my back's been turned for good
I've found me

I'm an addict.
I need it.
I want it.
I hate it.
I love it.
I suppress it,
hide it,
horde it,
keep it all for me.
The pain,
the pleasure,
the regret,
but with the high,
I forget.
It's wrong,
I shouldn't,
...I shouldn't...
I know I shouldn't.
but I do.
I'm an addict,
and you know what?
So are you.