I owe you my life
My wisdom
My talents
My strengths
My beauty.
I thought I knew myself but
I’ll never know me like
How you've known me.
And somehow
You looked passed the ugly
And deemed me
Deserving.
Pulled me to safety
Away from the edge
Inspired within me an urge
To give you my pledge
To serve.

When I thought I reached a peak
I was proven to be short-sighted.
When I was presented with the answers
My heart was delighted
And my soul lifted.
You are like the stick my stem is stuck to
As I grow tall, broad and straight.
You are the rope I hold on to
As I climbed and floated,
And you weren't bothered by my weight.

You’re a friend to me,
You’re the 'someone I always wanted'.
Heard me cry scream and sob
And you were patient when insulted.
And so I live by your mercy
As you've been exalted,
And I pledge to continue serving
So that I can prove to you
To myself
That I am deserving.

Shining bright,
Leaving me
Fooled.
It's a vortex
And it feeds off of my light,
kind to be
Cruel.

It taints and slithers into
Every life's necessities.
Now it wears a crown saying:
"You cannot go on,
You cannot survive
without me!"

It has become
The Judge,
Jury
And executioner
Without
Authority.

It has become
Our only means of
Expressing beauty and
Creativity
In the most perverted of ways
As it tries to
Simulate an alternate reality
Making me
A fool
Who’s Kind to be
Cruel.

There is fire in my stomach
And smoke in my throat
And soot in my brain.
So hazy is my life,
Overwhelmed by guilt and shame.
So heavy is this burden,
I want someone to blame.
So disgusted I am with myself,
I want you to be the same.

Oh God,
I will not complain about my life
And my woes;
Instead
I tear myself up from the root and
Pull my brain out through
My nose.

I want to die but,
I don’t want to burn,
Even though I am burning
On my own.

Leave me alone, lock me up
And throw away the **** key.
Take my consciousness far away from me.
Let me die without being dead so
I don’t have to feel the
Scorching heat of my actions.

I know I don’t deserve heaven so
As mercy undo my existence and
Put me back to sleep.

Behold my careful stride,
I decide.
I decide.

I test the winds
and waters,
I decide
the fate of of the dwellers.

Carried by an external force,
I decide my inner course.

I’ve grown numb
And accustomed to
Whatever that was deemed
Extraordinary.
Does this make me dull
If the complexity of the universe
Has become
Ordinary?
No longer a stranger or an enigma
To my inner experience?
Does this make me boring
If I no longer find joy
In discovering something
Unsurprising?
For when you
Constantly dwell and live
In the unknown
Is it really a big deal
To find something unexpected?
I mean... what did you expect anyway?

I am more interested in human interactions
In the consequences
And the causes
Of my actions
And I have internalised the outside world
And the outside wonders and
Discipline and harmony
Has become my quest and
My childish discovery.

Monitor the way you speak to yourself,
Catch yourself
In the midst of your own delusions.
You have mirrors
And a light in the middle
And you bounce off surfaces,
Weaknesses and solutions.
Confined in a body in a body
Revelling in a cognitive dissonance,
As you recognise within you
A drop from the divine,
You cannot ignore the infinite distance.

I tell her:
My little girl,
These days are intense
And alone.
And I know when you
Open that gate,
You do not recognise your home.

My little girl,
I know your mind is dark,
I know there are traces of a plague
Infecting your heart,
I know you want a fresh new start-
But put down the knife
And let wounds mend
And pains blend,
And see this life
To its natural end.