Maybe I'm not okay,
But I'm not as blue.
I'm much happier today
Than I was a month ago, or even two.

I don't hurt as deeply,
I feel alright--
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm able to exist under my own might.

I don't think about dying every night.
Even when I'm painted in those brilliant red hues
As embarrassment dusts my cheeks,
I'm alright.

Better than alright.
I might even be almost okay.
Is that even possible?
Is that something I can do?
I'm better than alright,
I might almost be okay.

I’ve got no right to be angry
After all, you were never mine
I’ve got no right to be angry
But I feel it all the time
You were never mine to have
But she still drives me ****** mad
Yeah the way you kiss her drives me mad
I’ve got no right to be angry
Yet I’m caught staring at this daydream
Wondering what you would feel like beneath my skin

Every time I think I’m over you
Every time I think I’ve had enough
You manage to say something that makes my heart stop and my mind race
My happiness fades and I’m left with these pieces of broken glass
All of that hope, shattered and wasted
No matter how long I take
No matter how hard I try
I can’t get over you
I can’t stop myself from caring, so here, I cry
You leave me desolate, but you are my oasis
It hurts to see you sad and lonely
But it hurts even more to see your heart soar
I just want the pain to stop
I just want to look at you and not want to **** your brains out
I just want my best friend back.
I would give my soul if it would make everything okay between us.
I miss you so much.
But I miss my happiness, too. Every time I see you my mind screams with jealousy over stupid things that you do
I want to monopolize your time
But that’s not for me to choose.
Every time I think I’m over you
You decide to do something small, something new
You change your hair
You change your clothes
Every time, I break a little more.
You couldn’t be more perfect for me in all that you are; the only way, love, was if you felt for me the same way I do for you.

Why do I sit here
When I know what will happen
Why do I stay
When I know you're not here.
I know there's nothing to fear,
But it doesn't make it easier to tamp it down.

I hear the whispering voice in my head
Telling me lies that fill me with dread
She sounds like me, I know she isn't
She is my anxiety,
And I can't hide inside my own head.

When my hands shake and ache
And my stomach seems to spin
When the world goes blurry
My thoughts churn,
And they win.

My vision begins to tunnel
My breathing is hard and fast
I know panicking is pointless
Worrying is worthless
But it's so overwhelming, a tidalwave of terror that washes over me.

You ask why it's so hard without you here.
I need a grounding light
Something to guide me back
Without something to distract me from myself, I go black.
Without a hand to hold or a voice to cling to, I have lost myself again.

Without kindness, I cannot live.

"Worrying means you suffer twice!"

Easy for you to say,
Yet I live this. Worrying means you suffer more than twice.
Anxiety was never a choice, nor a sign of weakness or frailty.
I am not what I suffer from.
It came because I attempted to be strong enough for everyone.

You are the knife that sets me free
I can deny the pain but I can't escape
There are things that even you cannot see
Nothing is as it seems, love,
Oh, no--nothing is at all what it seems.

I would go to the ends of the earth, love
I would jump from a moving train
If only it would change your mind
If only you would hold me and never let me go again

I've never known such beautiful pain
It's never been this wonderful and horrible all the same
Why does it hurt so, love?
Why must you make me cry and bleed my heart out this way?

This ache in my chest every time you look at me
The sting in my eyes whenever you're held by someone new
I don't know how to describe it
Only that it feels as though I'm falling for you.

If you look closely, you'll see
I'm not as broken as I used to be.
My smile is a little wider,
My eyes a little brighter,
My heart a little lighter.

I've learned to live again
An independence that was once lost
It has been unearthed, it has found refrain
No more than a week did it cost;
Vitality once again flows through these veins.

I'm better, now.
I don't let the small things touch my mind
Stress has left me, something that only time can profess
I am not as unkind
I will continue to get better.
This, I will vow.

Tears will not streak down this face
Blades will not grace this skin
I have made myself stronger through ache,
Though it was a hard battle fought,
I am better. I will not quake.
I am steadfast in myself.
This is not someone you can easily break.

Do you see them, love?
All of these small, pretty things?
Drops of crimson upon white
They float away from me, proof of my blight—
Do you see it now, love?
The blooms that have taken hold in me,
The roots that cramp my chest,
They leave little room for much else, love—
For in the end, love,
These blooms were for you.
The pain they caused,
The havoc they reaped,
Every last petal drips for you.
Do you see it now, love?
The stolen glances,
The soft caresses,
The smiles that were only for you?
I hope you see it now, love
And choke on it as hard as I have for you.
They have taken hold and they are not going to leave
These soft blooms that will inevitably spell my doom
I wish you could have seen it sooner, love—
For these petals I bleed, I bleed them all for you.
The blooms have taken over, now,
There’s really nothing left to do
Wait and watch in horror and aghast
As my lungs are drained of life
The thorns pierce my heart and veins, love—
Yes, there’s nothing here for you
Except to weep for all of the things you couldn’t see
But now, with death, you do.
A glorious cascade of beauty falls around me
Shades of red cover my face
Petals float among the spots in my vision
You cry in the unearthly still
As the heartbreak disease finds its purpose finally fulfilled.

What is this feeling
Deep inside my stomach
The ache that happens when I’m reminded
Of everything before?

You existed before I knew you
I know this, it’s true
So why can’t I shake this darkness in my core? Why can’t I breathe around you?

This is something with which I am unfamiliar
This particular feeling of both hunger and satiety
I haven’t wanted to eat for days, but I force it down my throat
It turns to lead in my stomach
Why can’t I cease this ache?

When your eyes meet mine
I’m breathless
I’m so in love it hurts
I’ve been trying to escape this
But in the end, my efforts have no worth.

Irrevocable, undeniable
I cannot help this
Your smile shouldn’t be this indescribable
I’m breathless when it comes to you.

All thoughts cease
My heart races at your casual touch
You’re all I want
And that’s why it hurts.

I'm always so cold
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm a frozen fortress, untouchable
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You send this heart beating again
I want nothing less than to feel this all of the time
I want to remain as alive as I am when I'm with you.
Your warmth is the only light in my darkness,
Though I know it's untrue for you--
I can't help it, love.

I'm always chilled to the bone
I feel like I could freeze water with my touch,
Like I could shatter someone with a single icy gaze
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
I feel again when I'm with you
I'm made real, I'm no longer a mirage
I want nothing in life than to make you feel it, too.
Because you make me feel alive,
More than ever before.
Though I know it's untrue for you--
But I still can't help it, love. I've fallen for you.

I'm always so above it all
I pretend to not acknowledge that I'm not fine
But you should know the truth--
I'm never fine
Not until I see you, love--
Not until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You break the ice that cages this dead heart
You make me feel alive,
But I don't know what to do
Because, if anything, I do the opposite for you.

When all else fails, give me color.

Give me crimson
Give me jade
All the different shades
Give me cerulean
Give me fuschia
Give me pea
Let me be, let me see
All the darks, lights, and in-betweens.

When all else fails, give me color.

Give me the color of the sky;
The darkest blacks to the brightest blues,
The oranges, pinks, I'll take any hue.
Let me sing with the roar of the sea
The colors that feed me, that relieve my strife
Please, let my palette come to life.

When all else fails, give me color

Any little shade, take a few
Even if I lay spent, out of breath
Give me one last lovely color
Just one, that's all;
Any vibrant hue.

This is my Magnum Opus, to the first boy I’ve ever loved.
The only lips I’ve wanted to kiss.
The only eyes I’ve wanted to drown in.
The only heart that I’ve wanted to possess.
For, after all of the *******, you were the first time I wanted everything.
I don’t even know how it happened so fast—the way my eyes magnetized directly to you, how I wanted you from the first time I caught your eye.
Call it fate, call it destiny—it doesn’t matter to me.
I just want you to love me, dear, as much as I love you.
Maybe I’m crazy.
After all, I’ve known you less than a month.
But I can’t help but feel as though some things were written in the stars.
I loved your face first. That soft smile and pretty eyes with lashes longer than the Nile.
Then I loved your laugh. So visceral and deep, yet soft and cute at the same time.
Your personality, though, that was when I knew I was doomed.
We loved the same movies. We were almost always on the same page. You showed me music that I’d never thought I’d enjoy; but somehow, you knew me so intrinsically.
I think you sealed the deal when I heard you sing.
If there’s one thing I’m defenseless against, it’s a boy who can sing.
Your voice was like melted caramel, so sweet and smooth and enticing—I was doomed from the moment I heard your siren call.
It didn’t help that you met my gaze as you sang, as though I was the only person in the world.
The passion in your face was enough to make me want to collapse. You should never have let me see those bedroom eyes.
I can’t get you out of my mind. Ever.
You’re always in my thoughts.
You whisper to me even when you’re not around.
I can hear what you would say if you were here.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could hide it, make it stop, ignore it.
But it hurts so much when I see you with someone new, you have no idea.
I feel the breath leave my lungs and the life leave my eyes
When I know you don't want me near
I hate myself for what I'm doing to my own heart and mind
But I know I'm defenseless against you.
Not with those soft doe eyes and a smile that makes my knees weak
Not with a scent that puts me completely at ease
I've been in love since I first laid eyes on you
And I may never fall out of love
But the biggest problem isn't that, love makes us human
The problem is, I can't stop the hurt.
The problem is how you have me wrapped around your little finger.
If I thought it would mean your happiness, I would tear myself apart
I would rip my heart from my chest
I would offer you the world at my expense
Because seeing you smile is all that I want.
It hurts when you want to be alone
Because I know how much I hate it.
I don't want to be alone, ever. Not when I could be with you.
You're the common thread in my nights, recently.
Whether we're tangled in my sheets or you're spitting insults, you can't seem to escape my dreams.
I wish it would stop
But all the same, I don’t want you to go
You’re all I want in life, but this makes it hurt all the more.
If only you could offer me something else
Something that I crave
I would be yours forever, darling,
But that’s a confession for another day.

As I sag under the weight of the world
As I cry beneath the stars
I cannot help but wait
For you, love, I'll go far.

You smile in the dark
I can't help but stop
You laugh, to my dismay
We will never be the same.

I die a little more every day
As you seem to slip away
You are near less and less
As I catch you chasing a red dress.

Crimson pools around me
Beautiful, sparkling, dangerous
As my vision begins to fade
You were my only, love
And now I've gone away.

You stand there in shock,
Your face torn in disarray
You stop and stare, love
As my life drains to heaven above
Where I will wait.

You pace around, dressed in black and white,
Clutching her hand, gripping my heart in a vice
As I realise your heart isn't here
No, love...
You have long since gone away.

I wear all black
My eyeliner is sharp as a knife
My laughter is melodic and has a nice sound
I’ve never been kissed
And I hate the ache over something I shouldn’t be able to miss...

My tongue is silver and seems to have a mind of its own
My lips change color depending on my mood: red, taupe, black, purple, blue;
I love to cuddle and receive hugs
It may seem ridiculous to you, love,
But you’ve had it all
Yes, from the very start.

I don’t want to be called a crybaby
Not for the connotation it receives
So instead I build walls around my heart
I bristle and joke
Despite the ache in my chest
For I know that I cannot be strong forever.

I only hope you won’t be around when I break, love.
I don’t want you to see me fall apart at the seams.
You deserve to know the best of me
For the worst is hard to understand.

Please don’t cry for me, love
I am not broken yet
I can still spit fire from my lips and utter curses from my tongue
I remain steadfast in this prickly facade
Because if I don’t, I cannot say what you will do.

So I refuse to be a crybaby
No matter how many times it hurts to see you with someone new
I have wept over you enough, love
So now I must harden against the world
Before I become utterly undone.

I will not be your crybaby
Even though you only care when I’m nearly falling apart
You thrive off of other’s suffering, so that you may be their knight in shining converse
You seek those in need, you prey on the weak...
I don’t want to be just another conquest
Just another score
I wanted something else, love
With you, I’ve always wanted more.

Guess what, love?
I’m not your crybaby
I will die before you will know
Exactly what it is that you do
that makes me weak in the knees
For if I were to voice my thoughts, you would roll your eyes and mock...

I hate that you make me your little *****
That you make me want to bawl my eyes out when you come in with hickeys that have no name
You’re. Not. Mine.
You’re just a stupid *******
So why do you make me your crybaby?
I hate this feeling of weakness whenever you’re near
I used to be such a ******* badass
But here I am, buried under five blankets,
Hoping my roommate doesn’t hear me as I cry my eyes out,
Forevermore, over you.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just frozen in space,
Stuck in the fabric of time
Without a purpose, simply static
Not quite floating,
Not actively moving but not stopping either
Hurtling through the stars,
Simply dancing in the dark.

I don't act, I don't try;
I just find myself in the sky
Waiting for you to come, though you never do.
Give me a reason to stay, to leave,
Something to hint that we should be complete
I just want to stop being alone,
Stuck here,
Dancing in the dark.

It's such a shame to be alone
Here among this beauty that I can't appreciate
My mind won't stop focusing on you,
And your inability to reciprocate
So I will remain,
Swirling in this nebula of stars,
Dancing alone in the dark.

You don't want me here
But you can do nothing to stop me
So we're at an impasse, love--
Unable to continue, unable to desist
I just want you to end up in my arms,
But you know this will never work
So I'm frozen here
Forever in love, forever broken
Simply listening to your voice as it shatters the silence,
While we're dancing in the dark.

The sky is lit with a million stars
The void is painted with their light
Space screams with everything left unsaid
For I will, here, remain,
Crying into the nothingness as I am spent
I don't want to keep dancing in the dark.

Stop shutting me out.
You may think you hide it so well,
But I see you, love.
I may be blind in the daylight,
But I hear you loud and clear
You think you wear that mask with such aplomb
But I know you're really a ticking bomb
You're just like me, love
We may hear different tunes, we may not feel the same drums
But you are here too, dancing in the dark.

We're not so different after all.
I don't wanna cry after you,
But I know I will.
Here among the dying stars,
As the sun begins to overtake the sky
I'll keep dancing in the dark until the very end,
Until there's nothing, of me, that's left.
For, after all,
It was you that sent me spiraling into the night,
Awaiting death,
As I danced in the dark for you.

There are moments when I cannot let anyone see beneath my surface,
For what would they say if they knew how deep these waters go?

My smiles are light and airy, full of hope for tomorrow
But how much, about me, do you really know?
Do you see the stillness in my eyes, when she says the things that cause hurricanes below?

You may not notice, but that's the point.
No one should know how my waters run far too deep.
There are far happier people, who live normal lives
What must it be like?

How would it feel to want to live to see tomorrow, willingly, every day, for the rest of my life?
Would my eyes be a little brighter?
Would my gaze find love wherever it chose to roam?
I know not, I may never will--
For these waters run deep.

Pools of sadness that bleed for several leagues each
You cannot escape once you lose sight of the waves
The light can only reach so far, my dear,
Beyond that, it's just my demons and me.

Deep waters don't always run still
This, you will know
If you ever decide to take the leap,
Dare to peer into my dreams,
And discover what lies within my deep.

Thoughts as dark as ebony, urges to hurt the skin that covers me
You know not what lies beneath.
The hatred that fills my lungs as I gaze into a mirror
The hurt at my own innermost thoughts
"You're not ever good enough"
You have no idea how hard it is to shut them out.

I sequester myself away, struggling to stay afloat
But you have no clue how much effort it takes
For me to keep going, day to day.
I sometimes wish someone else knew that my waters run deep
I sometimes wish you knew how deep my love was for you
But then, dear,
I'd be afraid that you would drown.

For, if there is one thing of which I am certain,
It's that I will die a thousand deaths in my own mind
Before I let anyone (least of all you)
Know the extent of my dark.

I don't even know what to do anymore
I hate how you always dominate my mind
If I could move on, don't you think I would?
I just want the pain to stop, but it won't
Do you see my dilemma?
Do you understand what's going on?
With you around, I can never notice anyone.

No matter how hard I try, you keep me preoccupied
Even when that cutie across the way smiles at me
All I can think, is why don't you look at me like that?
Do you see my dilemma, now?
You say you don't believe in love
You're evidence enough that soulmates exist
I just want to be your everything
And the problem is, until I fall out of love
(Something I don't ever want to do)
Everyone else will be second place
When compared to you.

Do you see my dilemma?
I can't even think about anyone else
I try so hard to be distracted by something, anything--
But you've got me smitten
I've fallen so hard for you.

I'm not interested in anything but forever with you.
Do you see this dilemma?
We're at an impasse, we're stuck
All because stupid me had to fall in love
This constant ache in my chest
What will take it away? I can't even guess
I just wish you would do something to make me fall out of love
So that the ******* pain would stop.

I just want to hold you close
I want your skin on mine all of the time
Our hands that are perfect in size
The height of yours that makes you perfect for me to kiss
You had to be made for me
So why won't this dilemma end?

You've been so distant lately
It makes me want to ******* die
Because I know you're trying to make sure you're not leading me on
Well, too late, love--I already delude myself every day.
You're slowly killing me
Simply from this growing space
All I want is to put that perfect smile back on your face.
Be my best friend again.
It doesn't matter how many times I break,
You know it will always be the same.

If I have to keep dying, if I have to leave or stay
Whatever it takes, love
I just want this dilemma to go away.
I would wait forever if I could
I might be stuck either way
Because no matter what
I can't get these feelings to dissipate.

Do you see my dilemma?
I just want to love you, make sure you're protected
I want to lock your heart away in a golden box,
So no one will ever hurt you again
You're everything and nothing, to me, my dear
Oh, why won't this dilemma go away?

I regret this distance between us
The length that could span entire galaxies
Something I hoped I would never have to see
When you pull--when you look away from me.

I miss this closeness we once shared
The times when nothing else could stop us
I guess I loved you, more than you could bear--

You're trying to save me.

I know you are.

You want to stop my rapid descent towards the rocks and tides below.
That's something you don't understand, love.
I'm already there.
My heart has already decided.
It's more than I want, but I'm helpless.

You care enough to try to spare me the heartache that you know you cause
You want to leave me in one piece, alive, whole
But, oh, darling--you don't even know!
You shatter me every day, but you remake me into something beautiful and new. Different from before.

It sounds strange, love.
But you cannot do anything to halt the tides.

Though you would try, this heart cannot beat for anyone but you.
These tides are set in the moon,
And I, like her, revolve around you.

Such a strange sensation
To come so close to losing you.
You say you're not going anywhere, but I know you will leave.
They always do.
Despite your better efforts to remain apart from everyone else, I see right through you.
You're just the same.
They're just like you.

I regret this distance between us, love.
I haven't quite yet accepted my fate.
You say you miss me and want to see me,
But do not make the effort.
I miss the days you wanted to talk every day.
I think that's the hurt that will never go away.

Though I'm better and I will not recede to that dark place,
My mind is not without doubt.
Anxiety fills this mind and my eyes lock on the parts of my body I could do without.
I don't often like how I look,
Though I don't hate what I see.
(I may never be a fan, but that's something for another day.)
My little voices like to point out all of my insecurities--

Yes, this mind is filled with doubt.
Family and friends chitter and laugh--
"What do you mean? Stop being a pout!"
They don't see what I see
In the end, that's not a bad thing
But still--this mind is full of doubt.

My stomach isn't flat enough.
My skin isn't smooth enough.
My hair is too dull.
My chin has a bit too much fluff.
I weigh too much, I'm obnoxious,
Nothing I say will ever stop my ugliness.

This mind isn't without doubt.
I will try as hard as I possibly can  
I will overcome this.
I'm strong enough. I am.
But please, for now--understand.
This mind is full of doubt.
I sometimes forget how worthy I am.

Do you know how much it hurts?
If you did, would you even care?
I'm dying slowly from the ache.
I don't know what to say.

Will you **** me, dear?
Will you be the cause of my death?
It feels as though I'm already dying,
I sometimes wish I was dead--
I would do anything, love, so I could stop feeling
Because anything and everything, right now, is far too much.

You bare my sins to your soul
There's nothing I can hide
The only thing I can, love, is how much I want to die
You see everything else
You know what is behind most of my jokes
You want to help, love
But you don't.

Do you really want to know?

Do you?

Probably not.

You're still struggling and healing
You have things to work through for yourself.
I just wish I could get over this whole thing
You're a ******* and the cause of so much pain
I shouldn't love you, and yet I do
For the things you don't let any of our friends see
No, only me.

**** me, please.
You don't know, and that's the worst.
But I'm not going to tell you, dear.
I'll suffer in silence, for, to you, that's all I'm worth.
Silence and empty messages
Strings of words and faded thoughts
All I want is for this pain to stop
Do you know this, dear?
No.
I think not.

Lips like scarlet
Hair like spun gold
Eyes that flash silver
A heart that is never cold

She tries so hard to hide it
For, if only they knew
She would be butchered alive
For the pain she feels for you.

She feels so deeply
It cannot be undone
She tries so hard to become dead inside
But truly, she has a heart unlike any other one.

She feels the movement of the earth,
She understands the spin of the skies
She hurts for those in mourning,
She despises those who make her feel.

She loves too deeply, too quickly, too hard
She becomes like the mountain,
But is not as strong
The tears she weeps
As she cries herself asleep
Are evidence enough of that.

She works harder than any man
She tries so very hard
She attempts to keep it all to herself
But these thoughts spill, nonetheless,
Upon the written page.
The hurt, the ache,
It keeps her awake, for in this world
There is nothing under the sun that is worse
Than to feel empathy for those who make you hurt.

Cap is sad, Bucky's down
Nat is crying, Vision is gone
Bruce is nowhere to be found
Star-Lord is screaming, Wanda's weeping,
Okoye hates everything,
Strange is quaking,
Loki may not be dead, no one can tell what was in that trickster's head
Peter says, Mr. Stark, I don't wanna be dead
T'Challa reached for his general, but he was dusted too
Tony says, I'm coming for you
Gamora laughed, she thought he was heartless
But he was heartless in a different way
Red skull thought it was all for naught, saw the error of his ways
Until Thanos coughed and said,
Thor, you should've aimed for the head.

Someday, my friend
When all of this has passed away
When the night goes still
When all has faded and we're turning gray
I promise I'll still be there, waiting here with you
Laughing along when the skies are dark
In the bright moonlight, fading away
Till our time is done
I will be here, dear
Remembering all of our past.
For, though it has passed,
It shall, in our hearts, remain.
Yes, I shall love you till the rest of my days
Like the sister I never had,
I will protect you from everything I can
Because, love, SlytherPuff is the best recipe for friendship.
When even these mortal coils have cracked and faded away
When they say all is lost
Nothing can bring us down, not when we're together
For, in the end,
You shall always be my best friend.

I find it so infuriating
How you manage to occupy my every waking thought.
Here I thought I was immune to your charms
(After all, it’s been two months)
But then you had to go and get that haircut
Yes, you know the one—
That **** undercut that drives me insane.

You’ll be the death of me, this I swear
For this is so much more than I’m meant to bear
I want to love you, I want to leave you—
Anything I will do to stop this strain.
Darling, I love you so much more than, aloud, I will say.
The ache in my chest as you look away, confirming we are not a thing
No, we’re just friends
Despite the feelings that run so deep for you
You still want to remain the same.

So you settle, then—
Occupying my every little thought
Fogging up my brain in ways I can’t explain
Destroying my self confidence and building it up in other ways
My darling, why do you have to take up residence in my every little thought.

Flicker, Flicker,
Little Firefly
Flit about and show us why
Why you dance and sing

Flicker about in the night
Show us the way, show us your light
Illuminate the world around you
Give it beauty, with all of your might

Flicker, Flicker,
Little Firefly
Give the world a new mystique
Show us knights and dragons by the fire
Show us lost souls, empires and creatures
Dimly by the fire

Tell your story, come with me
We shall live together and be free
We shall dance in the pale moonlight on your wings
After the flame has long been snuffed
Even with the changing tides
You shall here remain,
My little Firefly.

Kiss me softly, Necromancer
Hold me tightly, let me die
Feel my breath escape my lungs
Leave me to be with you
Forever-evermore

Let me feel your touch
Let me feel the cold
It feels so much better
Than they could possibly have told

Death, come quickly
So that I may be
With my lovely Necromancer
Forever-evermore.

Thanatos, embrace me now
Have Nyx fill the night with stars
And bring me home to my one.

Kiss me softly, my Necromancer
'Fore Death steals me away
He is much more lovely
Than I could ever say.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
The times when your eyes locked on mine
Perhaps those stolen moments when I couldn't tell
Your boundaries seemed to blur,
We couldn't be anything more...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
Stop the replays running through my brain
Put an end to all of the feelings that come rushing back
But I don't know where to look.
What moment in time could I possibly erase?
I don't know what I could possibly do that would ease this pain.
There's no way to know what tiny action of yours spelled my doom
What prolonged glance, what specific touch sent me spiraling over the edge.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Just a few little things.
Something to just--take away the pain.
I know I don't hurt as bad as before,
I hope I never again feel that depth of ache
But that doesn't mean everything stopped.

I see the distance in your eyes as you look away,
Something here will never be the same.
What could I do to mend this break?
What has changed?
Something will never be the same.

I want to go back to how we were before
When everything was still beautiful and new
Our long talks on the patio with the sun in the sky
Watching the birds fly overhead our little deserted place
Where no one intruded and we were at peace.

Though nothing will ever be the same, I miss it still
I remember all of the hurt you've been caused
I remember all of the small things that, together, spelled my love for you.
The way your voice could be just for me
The eyes that could see into my soul
What did you see that you didn't like?
Do you regret all of this hurt that you've caused?
Don't stop on my account, love--it is such a decadent pain.
Nothing you could do would make me go away.
No hurt would be too great.
Perhaps it's a little self-destructive--but since when did you care, anyway?
You're already doing to yourself a thousand times worse than anything I could try to replicate,
Even I don't hate myself as much as you...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Stop the memories playing in my head
End the secret whispers that only I know
I don't want to know all of the insecurities beneath the muscles and pretty eyes
I don't want to know what makes you tick.
Maybe it was better when it was love from afar.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Lose that caress, ignore that murmur
Stop the soft moments and end the seconds that screeched to a halt
The moments that lasted for hours but ended too fast all at once
I just wish I could forget what I've lost.

It sparkles, it gleams
It covers us completely
It dusts the air we breathe
It lingers in our dreams.

The weight of it as it engulfs us
The glorious, beauteous death
The shining, glowing horror
As our own gold chokes us to death.

Our will to shine
Our own noose, so divine
Why should we leave, when there is so much to be?
We are as we are,
These gleaming corpses
These lovely souls are we.

If there’s one thing I hate,
It’s the word, “love.”
Everybody is in love with love.
With the flowers and chocolates and kisses and caresses,
It makes me sick.
It makes me want to cry.
Not because I don’t want it,
But because I know I don’t get to try.

There’s a guy who happens to be my best friend.
He’s smart, suave, and ****, but to what end?
I feel as though I want to drown in his breath, but I know that is only a dream.
Real love is never equal.
We idealize it to be a perfect give and take,
But it’s more likely going to be one person selling their soul for the object of their affections.
Giving every part of them that they can,
To receive pittance in return.
Maybe I’m just a cynic.
But I have yet to see “true love.”

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve felt more deeply for him than anyone else.
But in the grand scheme of things, it’s all just one big joke.
A great cosmic prank made by the universe.
We all search for love, and many of us never find it.
If we do, it’s even fewer who find it returned.
I hate myself and how I feel,
Not because he’s a bad guy (he’s probably better than 80% of the male population I’ve known),
But because I know he doesn’t feel the same.

So why do I harbor this sudden hate for a word so gentle and vulnerable?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been neglected by it.
No one who isn’t family has shown me love.
There’s friendship, sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to love.
That burning sensation in your skin as you feel as though you would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe.
The ache in your chest when they want something you can’t give them.
Because, in the end,
I’ve always felt as though I was cursed.

To be a female and to remain unwanted is a pitiful thing.
I still don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong.
I’m pretty enough when I try.
I’m smarter than your average teenager.
I have opinions that I’ve formed for myself, and I know how to support them.
So why doesn’t anyone want to give me the time of day?
I know it’s not what I say.
Other girls are the same, and they managed to find someone who is their match.
So why am I ignored?
Why am I invisible?

Even you, love, can’t give me a single reason as to why you don’t feel how I do.

I’ve never understood why people are so infatuated with love. Sure, everyone wants to feel important.
That’s just the human condition.
But, the idea of sappy, Hallmark-greeting-card love, full of promises and truth?
I suppose I only hate it because I can’t have it.

Honestly, I hate almost everything about him.
I wouldn’t change a thing, but I still hate him for what he makes me feel.
I hate feeling vulnerable and weak.
That’s what he does to me.
Breaks me down into a shivering mess of a person, destroying all of my barriers and still managing to smile and say, “you’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
He says he enjoys being around me.
Why does he have to make it so hard?
I hate the way that he makes me feel.
I just wish he would hold me tight and never let go. Is that too much to ask?
Am I going crazy?
Sometimes, I wonder.

I hate him and his stupid cute brown eyes,
The ones I want to drown in.
I despise the smile he gives me when he first sees me, how it makes me want to melt.
I hate how all I can think about is how he would feel if his mouth touched mine.
I loathe the way his hands seem to be the perfect size to hold my own.
I hate the soft blond hair that I want to bury my hands in.
I hate the sense of humor we share.
I hate our favorite music, the songs he always plays when I’m around.
I don’t want to just be friends.
But I will, because painful life with him around is better than nothing at all.

Of all the hidden objects in this world,
Of all the unseen things,
Of everything that is unknown,
All I want is to find my place beside someone.

I want to find my one,
My only, my match!
It can't be this hard, and yet
Here I am, alone, again.

I have yet to drown in his eyes
I still need to see his face
I want to know the sound of his voice
I need to feel his kiss.
Where can I find this boy,
The one I have yet to meet
And still I miss?

What have I done to deserve to be alone
I may never know
I cannot fathom this nothingness
That exists within my chest.

This loneliness I can hardly bear.
It's not that I hate being alone,
But only the lonely moments crush me.
When will this sadness end?

I see them in the halls,
Walking in twos and threes
Groups of beautiful people, all together
Happily
Existing within their own little worlds,
Unable to see my pain
I wish only one thing, truly.
To have a hand to hold,
A pair of lips to kiss,
A brain to think about, talk to, miss...
And another beating heart that I can love.

I want to scream,
I want to cry,
But the devils are in the walls
And they make me wanna hide,
Just hide
And sigh

You're all that's left of me
And my broken heart
And I tried so hard
But the devils in the walls are laughing at me
They watch and wait and
I'm helpless to stop them
So I just want to hide.

In all honesty, everything *****.
Nothing went as planned
The **** hit the ceiling all too fast

People hate each other
The planet's dying
Businessmen run the country
More stupidity exists than ever
What else could go wrong?!

Everything seems so genuinely ******
But... honestly?

The world's still spinning,
Marvel's movie streak is still winning,
And my mother is still grinning.

If there are things I can find to live for
If this abrasive ******* cynic can do it
You can, too.
Honestly.

Why do I let you close?
All you do is cause me hurt.
The sweet caresses and times you hold me to your chest
They never last as long as they should.
You smile at me in such a soft way
Something I never see you do with anyone else
But then you just have to go and **** some random girl
Your adventures open to the world
Why do you have to hurt me this way?

I know you’re not mine.
You never were.
But that didn’t stop me from loving you.
It won’t stop the hurt.
Sometimes you make me feel like I’m on Cloud Nine.
Every other moment, though,
I feel like I want to die.
Why, dear?
Why do you enjoy causing all of this hurt?

I shouldn’t care. I’ve only known you for 22 days.
Why do you have to power to hurt me this way?
You are an enigma to me
You are a complete mystery
So how can you understand me better than anyone else ever could?
You’re more than I could have hoped
You’re more than I thought I wanted
You’re everything I need
And somehow I’m still not good enough. Somehow, you’re still not mine.

Why do I still let myself hurt?
Even I cannot answer that, dear.
I guess my heart will never learn
Not when it comes to you, dear.
You’re the most infuriating man I’ve ever met
Yet somehow I just want to live within your soul,
I want my lungs to fill with your scent, always,
I want to feel you beneath my fingertips,
I want to love you and be loved by you, forever-evermore.

Despite all of this pain
In light of all the hurt
You still keep coming back.
You acknowledge how deeply I care
You know how much I hurt
You know how easily I worry
And you still refuse to stop the hurt.

Is this what you wanted when you came here?
Is this what you imagined from the start?
Did your heart race and your head spin
As you watched me fall apart?
How much does it hurt now, love
When all of my love has been ripped from your heart?

You toy with me
Expect me to remain always, to simply be;
To wait for you for as long as it takes
If I could find someone else, love, don’t you think I would have?
You’re the only one for me, love.
I hope that you understand.
Maybe you will, one day,
After you’ve finally washed my blood from your hands.

This distance between us, I feel it killing me from the inside
Despite your reassurances everything will be okay
I still want to cry.
You're leaving me slowly, day by day.

I want him, but he isn't here
Even though he isn't you, I had hope for the future.
I wanted him, I still do
But it's hard to try when I keep thinking of you.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

He's already said, "I love you"
Of that, I'm not entirely sure
But his lips felt better than yours ever did
And now, I'm of two worlds.

I've wanted him since he first started to speak
With those dulcet tones so deep
His smile and laugh were all too sweet
But he still remains out of reach.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

I ridicule those who cannot choose
Despite the fact that, with this decision, I am in their shoes.
He understands me, but not like you do
I hate my brain and how it overthinks, especially when it comes to you.

I haven't heard from him in months
Over this, my heart aches
I worry that he isn't okay
For the things his parents screamed about not long ago are too worrying to say.

As it has been said a million times before,
It was always you.
Despite the endless parades of partners,
It was always you.
Even in the darkest of times,
Even in the worst of times, in the end?
It was always you.
It didn’t matter how many times you would break
It didn’t matter what I would say
The things that you did kept me awake
For, in the end, love,
It was always you.

I wish you’d known that,
I wish it had been you.
Instead of this paramedic gripping my hand in the dark, telling me to hold on, telling me what to do
Instead of these nameless faces that will, to me, remain forever unknown
It should have been you, dear
It should have been you.
Not a young girl staring at me as she screams and cries
Not a couple having to hide their eyes
You should have been here, love
Yes, you should have been here.

If you really cared
If only you knew
You were the only one who could have stopped it, love,
For, in the end,
It was always you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just stop--
Stop trying
Stop feeling
Just... stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just end it
Would anyone care?
Would anyone notice?
Maybe I should just stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Harden my walls, forget my heart
Decide that nothing, no one, is worth my pall
I wish I didn't have to become numb to be okay,
Just to make the pain go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to be strong
But, I should've known all along:
I feel too deeply to be healthy,
Especially when people are involved.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I want to die
Maybe just a line at my wrist
(The X-Acto knife in my drawer would do the trick)
But no, perhaps not (I am not a fan of pain)
Bleeding out takes far too long
I don't think I could take it, anyway.

I regret ever feeling at all
The voices in my head say I'm worthless
No wonder everyone's gone
I can't attract anyone, I'm too broken
The deadness in my eyes belies a dormant predator
Watch out, I'm a hidden monster
I may catch you in my claws before a single word has been spoken
Beware the darkness of a shattered heart,
It will be far too sharp.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson
And never have to trust again
I'm blowing this out of proportion
This is so much worse in my head
But you said I should spend time with myself, love,
No matter how many times I wish myself dead.

I regret ever feeling at all
I am so far out of my depth
I don't know what to do, love
I wish you could see this mess from my shoes.
This constant nagging ache, I wish it'd go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to hate you,
To lose the pang in my stomach when you wear bruises on your neck
Your trophies are the cause of my heartbreak
Why can't you just stay away?

I regret ever feeling at all
I wish my friends could stand being around me
But maybe they sense the monster within
Who hungers jealously for that which she cannot have
Who lusts for the flesh of one who does not love her
Who, deep down, wants to hurt everyone who wrongs her.

I regret ever feeling at all
This darkness is so suffocating
Why did I have to, for you of all people, fall?
When you cannot feel the same
When all I get from you is pain
I love you, I hate you, I feel all of the above.

I regret ever feeling at all
This horrible, deadening cold
It seeps through my limbs
All I want is a hand to hold,
Someone to chase the demons away,
Someone who can love me as much as I love you,
Someone who wants to save me from myself,
As much as I do you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe if I disappeared, you'd wonder what you did wrong
Maybe you'd actually call
Would you feel any of my regret?
Would you feel the hurt you cause?
I don't know that, love,
I just know I regret ever feeling at all.

I saw you in a dream the other night
You were beautiful and perfectly alright
You smiled at me and I think my heart broke
For I haven’t seen that in so long, I think it was a cruel joke
You hurt so good, you feel so bad
I want you back, but I know it will never be my path.

I saw you in a dream
You smiled at me
Love radiated from your heart
When I awoke, I nearly fell apart
What a cruel trick to play on me
Not when I’m still grieving?

I saw you in a dream
I know it’s a sign
I have to stop the delay and just say, it’s over, fine
I miss you so, but I hurt so much more
For when I saw you, I wanted to die.

I saw you in a dream,
You were looking at me
With such a soft laugh and a half-lie
Nothing could make me stop this,
No matter how hard I try.
For this could never be enough.

I saw you in a dream
And I felt my heart scream
I wanted to steal you away
Maybe hold you hostage
But this, I know, would not be true
For you are yours, I could never do that to you
Still I felt my soul rend at your sweet face
For in the end, you’re not one I can erase.

I saw you in a dream
I wanted to forget
But still you remain
A taunt, a trick
You haunt my sleep and my wake
You are the demon I cannot shake
I miss you and hate you
To me, it’s all the same.

I knew it was love
When I stopped caring about myself
And all I saw was you.
The world stopped spinning,
The planets all aligned,
And all I saw was you.

It was then, I think,
I died a little.
You feel nothing of the like for me
I know this, it's true
The stars shine, not for me, but for you
It was then,
I died a little.

When our messages became curt and short
When you became distracted by everyone else
I think I died a little.

I missed you more than my own vitality
I hurt more when she hurt you
I don't know what's wrong
All I know is,
I think I died a little.

I hope someday we can speak of this
I hope you will see how our souls are tied
Because I will, eventually, need you to know
Just how many times, for you,
I died.

I want to scream, I want to cry
This ache in my chest is so unbearable
I am so very not okay, and I just want to know why.
I was perfectly fine, not two days before
What was it that tipped the scales this time?

I just wish someone would notice
That I'm dying inside a little more every day
This ache that pulsates inside
It's driving me insane
It's not something I can ignore, it occupies my every thought
Why, oh why, was I made this way?

My stomach churns and I want to hide
At this point, feeling pain is better anyway
This emptiness is saddening and not okay
But I nonetheless rake my nails over my skin, hoping to feel anew.

You’ve left me, love.
There’s nothing left of us here.
I’ve felt this a long time coming, but still it hurts now that I know you’re nowhere near.
You’re never coming back.
Of this much, I’m aware.
I just wish you could have noticed
My awful descent into this despair.

Would you have stayed, if you’d noticed?
I doubt it, I swear
You seem to have lost your care
For this, I despair.

I wish someone would notice
I’m drowning, I’m dying
I can’t seem to breathe.
“Keep going!”—instead I wheeze
Soft thoughts drift across my diamond mind
Unable to escape, this time.

I suppose it’s best that no one will notice.
I’m the strong one, I can’t afford to despair.
No one will notice, this I swear.
They mustn’t be aware of how very broken I am.
I’m here for them! I will never let them know
Vulnerability isn’t an option for me
My broken heart, mind, body—this, they will never see.
(Would they even care?)
“She’ll get through it, she’s stronger than this”
“I doubt she wants help, she likes doing things on her own”
(In the end, I seriously doubt it.)
(After all, we’re all drowning down here.)

The worst part about being me is the days when I hate myself more than words can describe
Talk to me in a couple of days & I'll be just fine, nothing will get in my way
But until that day, I need you to go away & let me hate the way I am
So I can find the way to love myself again.

In der ganzen Welt,
Von allen Menschen, die existieren,
Es gibt niemanden wie dich, keinen,
Liebe,
Du bist einzigartig.

Von allen Blumen,
Von allen Heiligen,
Von jeder Schönheit hier,
Du bist der reinste.
Du bist der Hellste.
Du bist der Liebste.

I feel so ******* dumb whenever I'm around you
You somehow manage to bring me to my knees, and I ******* hate it
You've got me whipped and I don't even get the benefits that should come with it
How the **** do you have me so conveniently wrapped around your little finger?
You ******* wreck me and I don't know how to stop it
You make my heart race and my cheeks flush (what a ******* joke)
This is supposed to only happen in the movies
So why the **** do you have to make things so complicated?
I feel like a stupid-*** lovesick idiot
I feel like I've been tricked
So what the **** is wrong with me? How have you managed to invade my head?
Tell me, what is your method to this madness? How have you driven me over the edge?
I feel nothing but rage when I think about what you do to me
Butterflies and moths caged in my stomach (what a stupid trope)
Clammy hands and dry lips, how the hell did this happen so fast?
You're the level-headed one, saying I can't be in love after a month
Why does all of my sanity fly out the window whenever you're around?
I feel like a ******* lovesick idiot
I hate how vulnerable you make me, you knock me to my knees
I'm not supposed to fall this fast
I'm not supposed to feel
I hate how you make me weak, soften my edges and bring me from the ashes entirely anew
Even more, though, I hate how I shrivel when you go away
Like the Grinch, my heart becomes three sizes too small when you go away
And I don't know how to stop the hate and pain
You're the best and worst that ever happened to this ******* lovesick idiot
I hate it, but you know it's true
You bring out the best and worst in me
You know how to push my buttons and turn me into something new
Why did I have to be such a fool?
In the end I suppose it wasn't me, it was you
You and your ******* perfect eyes and smile and that great *** of yours
It's all your fault for making me into a lovesick idiot
When the only thing I wanted (here's a hint, it's you)
Was the love you couldn't give me, the things you couldn't do.

They called us crazy
Mocked the crowns upon our heads + the flowers in our hair
But they really don't know us
They will never care
So we continue our Monarchy of Roses
To hide from our awful despair

Bleeding in wonderful hues
We die together in the stars
Our lavish deaths will be remembered
And we shall wreak havoc from afar.

Because you are to me narcotic
You’re slowly killing me with this lethargy
I really need it to stop
But I don’t want you to stop

But if you don’t go
I know
That my heart will surely stop

Because you are so narcotic
Together we’re so lethargic
And I’m begging you to stop
Maybe we aren’t meant to be
And you know you’re killing me
But we both know that you aren’t gonna stop

My heartbeat is slowing now
As the time has come
We are joined now
As I feel your apathy
It has become my own
And I can’t help
But stop



I feel it in my veins
It’s stopping all my pain
But is this what you had wanted?
I’ll be forever haunted
The whispers in my blood are slowly dying out
You should make this time truly count

For if you go
My heart will surely stop

You are my narcotic
You make my pain go away
You dull the sharp edges
You make the world blur
You’re my narcotic
And I don’t want you to stop.

No matter how many times you break me
I'll keep crawling back to you
I'll even apologize for something I can't explain
Because despite everything, no matter how hard I try
You're like a disease, I can't get you out of my brain

No matter how many times you **** me from the inside out
I'll keep running back to you
Because tortured life with you around
Is far better than a life without
Despite my protests to the contrary,
When you're not here I become incredibly weak
Why do you do this to me?

No matter how many times I die for you
No matter how many times I self-crucify
I know you won't care,
You won't bat an eye
You'll frown and say, "It's not like I'm trying to hurt you,"
When you know exactly what it is that makes me die a little more every day

I can't even enjoy others
Because the thought of you with someone else makes me sick to my stomach
I hate how much it hurts
Because no matter how many times you destroy my carefully constructed walls
I will always return to you.

I know I’m not perfect.
I never claimed to be.
But honestly, love,
She’s much less perfect than me.

I expected more from her, maybe less from you
All I know is that this feels so wrong, love
She shouldn’t be with you.
I thought she was my friend, but now she’s gone too
You’ve stolen her away, love
I expected more from you.

I know I’m not perfect. That much is true.
But when you said you didn’t want my baggage, love,
I suppose that wasn’t true.
She has more problems than I do.
She’s been abused and scarred and is aggressively neurotic
She’s positively catatonic
When nothing goes her way, she makes an embarrassing display
So why, love, did you choose her?

She’s a walking skeleton, with hollow eyes and a plain face
I know I’m not a super model, love
But even I can see that she looks out of place.

I’m not perfect, love
She knows it, you know it, I do too
But someday you’ll see, love
She’s got more baggage than even you.

She’s so different from what you call attractive
I can’t discern why she’s with you
I can only guess that you don’t know her at all.
If you knew the large amounts of baggage she carries, you’d run away from her too.

She must be lying to you, love.
Either about her life, or about who she is.
Putting her best foot forward is different, love, if she’s withholding the truth.

I know I’m not perfect, this much I do
But I hope you’re not true
Because, after all, love, she’s much less perfect than you.

I have the feeling you’re a revenge ****. Her ex hates you with all his being.
I almost wish that were true, love.
Because I’d give anything for this to not be real.

It hides beneath her skin
It lurks in her mind
It shimmers underneath her smiles and happy times
You can't always see it
But it never, ever leaves

The turbulent thoughts that swirl in a slipstream
They never really disperse
It may seem as though the world is at peace
But to her, it's falling apart at the seams.

How couldn't you see it?
Why didn't you try?
You only saw what you wanted in her
You never noticed the tears she cried
Only if it suited you
Did you hold her close
I hope the thought of it makes you choke.

It was always in the bathrooms at 3 am when everyone else was asleep
When there was no one else in her entire world
When she was so far beyond help, so far gone
She ached over you and it didn't matter
Not in the end
For you, she had her last breath.

Do you see it now?
All of the times where she laughed too hard
Where she smiled too wide
Everything was a lie
How couldn't you see it?

I bet that it's so clear
Now that she's no longer here
I bet you're disgusted with yourself
I hope you choke on the guilt
Because you see it now, don't you?
How the pain was eating her from the inside
How her smiles never reached the deadness in her eyes

Now you see it
When she's gone
You only know how much you cared
After it's been ripped from you, too.

Now you see it
The way she loved you so hard
How her eyes always seemed to find you in a crowded room
The smiles and laughter that was only for you
I hope you choke on the flower petals that she coughed for you
Because, in the end, all of her pain and suffering?
Don't you see?
It was all for you.