Honestly
You make me numb
Like I don't know whether I should scream or cry
Do I walk away?
I feel like I am going to die
You bring out the worst of me, dear
Despite everything, even when I'm numb
Even when I am colder and harder than ice
You manage to break through the surface and hurt me
Even through this lethargy and dull ache
You hurt me so good, it aches so well
And yet I just want it to stop
You make me numb, but you break through it too
Honestly
I just wish you'd stop.

Stop acting like you care.
Stop pretending I matter.
Just let me go numb.
Your beautiful words scatter in your absence
And there's nothing I can do to protect against their sharp fragments.
So just stop, why don't you?
Let me go, allow me to stop feeling
For anything would be better than constant aches and pains when you're not around.
After all of this, our time has been short
And somehow it feels as though I've known you for years.
Why can't I numb myself against your smiles and laughter? Why can't I harden my heart against your soft reassurances that you care?
You don't act like you do.
You ignore me for days, without a single explanation or word
Then pop up out of the blue, with maybe one word
You don't answer me when I ask if you're okay
And when I say that I'm not,
You don't even bat an eye.
Let's face it, dear:
Even though it was never me
It was always you.

When it comes to these things, Woman is despised.
Her *** is inferior in the face of man.
Her body is disgraced and considered unholy, deemed "temptress" and "defiler".
Why is this so?
What benefit is there to the dichotomy of the ****** and the *****?
Why is there only these two things which woman can aspire to?
Why, when Woman is strong and steadfast as the mountain
Who will not bow no matter how the wind howls!
When Woman is as fierce as the flame that ripples in her heart
and the searing heat of the volcano--
Why, then, is this language so?
Wasteful, wanton
Grotesque, sinful
Disgusting, passive
Unholy, sinful
Why? Why, when her womb creates the very essence of life on earth, is her beauty scorned?
Alas! Her very creations despise her existence
The sons of her ***** lack reverence for their mothers
For the very essence of Woman is taboo.
The apex of her thighs is at once deeply coveted and sincerely ignored
For there exists no greater shame than the moment her ***** first sheds its blood.
That first splash of crimson and black is the end of her girlhood
For once that first blood is drawn, her Womanhood cannot be denied.
At that moment, she becomes Object
No longer human, no longer girl
She is Object
To be coveted and have eyes laid upon her
She is Object
To be salivated over and seen as the ****** plaything of the Male Eye
She is Object, and she is human no more.
After the first emergence of ******* from her ribcage, the first rounding of her hips and thighs,
She is no longer worthy of anything but lust and contempt
For, it is certainly her fault that these sinful feelings arise.
Why on earth would it be the fault of the toxic mindset of Man, of his instinct to pillage and take what is not his?
Woman's body is her own, and yet, she is not treated so
She is laughed at, mocked, and spoken to in rage
Her rights of choice are threatened, soon to possibly go away
What, in this, is there to learn?
Why is our view of Woman so?
The gleam of the Patriarchy is too enticing to those who would change
And damning to those who refuse.
But they should be very afraid.
The righteous might of Woman is a force to be reckoned with.
Because, after all...

Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned.

I don't know what I can do
Other than sit here and stare at you
She leans against your chair,
You do nothing to fight back
I want to die
But instead, I'm paralyzed
You do nothing to halt her advances
Though you feel nothing the same for her
I hate myself more and more
As I can only sit here and stare at the floor.

I cannot move, I'm transfixed
How would it look to see my name on those thirsting lips?
Lovingly inflected, as though I'm the only one on your mind?
Surely, I will never know
It's only been a short while, we've barely begun
And yet I find myself craving your touch more than I can show.
Paralyzed, I cannot speak
Instead, I internally weep and feel loss for the thing I have no right to grieve.

Beautiful, big, blue round eyes
Nothing let out of my sight
I laugh and giggle and play
But it’s all lies.

Blue eyes
You look down
Cowardly
You fail me with your fading gaze
You make me need glasses
As I maneuver through the masses.

Shake the stars from my eyes
In a pleasant surprise
I’m met by big, beautiful saucers of chocolate
That seem to match mine.

Big, blue eyes
Why didn’t you see?
Why didn’t you catch it?
Now, trained on the ground,
Your tears salt the grass, as the world blurs.

Pretty blue eyes
Give me a miracle in disguise
Catch it, hold it tight
Give me something to make my heart soar.

Big blue eyes
You make me unwise
Judging by looks and feel
Nothing worse than our ordeal.

Round sparkly eyes
Why do you deceive?
There’s more to you than you reveal
Yet I can’t let anyone dive deep enough
For they would drown in the darkness beneath.

Sad eyes
Looking away as you leak
Leaving him behind
Never able to look back…
Big, beautiful eyes
You have seen much
You are the windows to my soul
But there is more to you than it seems
A juggernaut in the shadows…

Beautiful blue eyes
You fail me
You fade
You cry
You ail
*You help me fly.

How strange this is to me
A feeling that is completely new
I don't know how to exist, now, without you.
This odd intuition, knowing that I'm incomplete
I'm "not all there"--
I'm not well.

They say I'm psychotic
Well, hell, maybe I'm just bitter
I'm a cynic, I'll admit it
But am I psychotic?
How would I tell?
I don't always feel crazy
Sometimes just a little
Maybe if you show up with a new hickey on your neck, when I’ve been nowhere near you

Maybe I’m insane
I think I might be psychotic
I’m letting my lips touch another that isn’t you
He doesn’t have any red flags, he’s perfectly fine
But despite all of his positive traits,
He isn’t you.
Maybe I really am psychotic
Letting myself use this boy when my thoughts are on you
He’s genuine and kind, but unlike you, he can’t read my mind.

I feel genuinely psychotic
I can’t get you out of my mind
Others whisper “obsession” but it’s not even close
I keep my distance like you asked, I’m not a fool.
I hate what you do to me, and I hate what I do to him
I type sweet nothings, with a few dark things in between
Blood in the ledger, will it ever come clean?

I think I really am psychotic, trying to give myself to him when I know I cannot
Despite how many times I’ve been wronged by others, the only thing I want is you.
He doesn’t deserve this, it’s so ******* dumb
I’m using him and it’s making me numb
I should just tell him I’m done
But I don’t know if I want to be alone.
The worst is that I do, but I don’t.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with the doubt when he’s not around, because as soon as he isn’t, all I can see is you.

When I’m with him, it’s great
We click pretty easily
He’s a little naive, but he’s young and has a big heart
Yet I feel so psychotic
He’s so sweet and asks along the way
Why does it feel so psychotic?
I coo and say I’m having the time of my life
I hate that in my head, I feel like I’m just spewing lies.
Because, after all, it’s you that I think of late at night.
So, call me psychotic for wanting what I can’t have.
**** me for being a liar,
Hurt me and atone my sins,
Crucify me and bleed me dry—
But don’t once say that I never loved you.
You were the only one I did.

Though I know your heart beats for someone else,
I can't stop my thoughts from tumbling along the familiar suspicions.
Do you feel something for me, after all?
Rationally, I know I'm a fool.
I know you love me as a friend, a confidant, nothing more.
So why can't I get you out of my brain?
You torture me in tiny heartbreaking ways,
The way you have others hanging off of you left and right,
The way you sing without thinking about it,
How you cut your hair just the way I like,
The soft admissions that you should be worrying about me and not the other way around--
How do you manage to tear me apart every single time?
I can't stop the ache when you offhandedly mention how attractive she is,
And I have to catch my breath when you flirt with everyone except for me.
What did I do wrong that made you not want to be with me?
What sort of cruel joke has God made, letting me find my soulmate when I'm not his?
Why am I not enough? I'm not a supermodel, but I can be beautiful when I try... So why doesn't anyone notice?
I have the worst sort of luck falling for my friends,
Mark this the seventh occurrence on my ledger
Perhaps when it finally reverses my luck, my karma will be so great that you will change your mind.
Maybe I'll find someone better.
Until then, though, there's nothing I can do to stop my racing thoughts.
They run circles round and round my head, torturing my mind with thoughts of inadequacy and imperfection--
Why? What have I done to deserve all of this pain?
I may never know, and that scares me the most.
I can only hope you will come to love me in time,
Before we part ways and before our time is done
For, you, love--
You're all I want in life.

It’s funny how life is
How my biggest fear in life—no, it didn’t happen to me
It touched my best friend instead.

He did something unspeakable
She is broken now
And all I am filled with is unquenchable
Undeniable
Rage.

I want to tear him limb from limb
I want to beat him black and blue
Make his face unrecognizable
Make him regret the things he did to her.
Make him rue the day he made his greatest mistake.

You see, I’m not just a girl.
Beneath all of the soft lines and playful words,
I am a hurricane.
When it comes to her, I will give no mercy.
She is before anyone else in this world.
Like the Hulk, I am filled with rage.

I want to rip and tear
I want to cause him pain
For she has been broken
And I want to stop her hurt.
After all of my promises that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her,
There was nothing I could do.

Maybe that’s where my rage originates.
I wasn’t there when she needed me.
Well, darling, I’m coming.
And I carry the rage of woman behind me.

Though you’re long dead and gone
I can’t help but wonder how it might’ve went
If you’d come in that day.
I wouldn’t have lost a part of my heart
I wouldn’t have cried out my eyes
I would’ve seen your beautiful smile
What I wouldn’t give to see it one last time.

Sometimes I think you were my first true love
More than a crush, because I remember you.
Your soft voice and your sweet eyes
You towered over me but you were so kind
You made me laugh and you made me cry
But, darling, why—
I didn’t want it to end that way.

I was going to ask you to homecoming.
I never got the chance.
I never knew how you felt, darling—
I wish I had more time.
Because I simply can’t stop remembering—
No, no matter how hard I try.

Though you’re dead and gone
Up amongst the stars
I can’t help but wonder
What we could’ve been like.
Days filled with laughter, sitting beneath the pines
Talking about everything and nothing
You could’ve been mine.

We danced that year
What a wonderful night
You were the first time my heartbeat raced
Dear old friend of mine.
I sometimes wish I could stop remembering
But I know that would be a lie.
Because though you’re dead and gone, darling,
I still wonder from time to time.

Sometimes I want you to know how much you hurt me,
But then I stop that thought in its tracks.
Because no matter how many times you hurt me,  
I'd much rather take the pain and spare you.
Despite the ache you leave, I'll never subject you to the pain you cause.
Because I care for you more than I'll admit
I want to protect you from everything, even if it means I have to die a little more every day.

So, remember me.
If there's one thing I want to say,
Remember me how I was, how I am, how I will always be.
Remember how I can laugh through the pain
No matter what comes my way,
I will keep standing for another day
Because no matter what, I will always keep you safe.
You will never know what it would feel like for me to cause you pain.

Remember me.
Remember the smiles even when I'm going to break
The good times and bad times that always looked the same
The conversations that kept us awake
Please, just remember me.
For you, darling, all of the dragons I will slay
I will always keep you safe
You will never know, because the last thing I want is to cause you pain.

Please, remember me.
The times when I caught your eye in more than one way
When I looked perfect and moon-kissed and undaunted by the day
I was beautiful and strong and unbreakable
Please, remember me in that way.
Not as I am now.
Depressed and aching and lonely.
This is not my identity. It will pass.
But for now, my love, don't remember me this way.
So I will hide it from you until I break.

For no one should ever have to suffer this pain.

It is the color of freshly spilled blood
It is the shade of love
It is the hue of vegetables and fruits
It colors the world in vibrant notes
It tells us to stop, to take heed;
It warns of danger, it tells us to rejoice
It shines in the lips of lovers and friends
It flickers with the dying sun
It clothes everything in twilight
It is the color of many nations, young and old,
It is the doom of us all,
But, also, the hope.

Okay, so maybe I'm just a little bit
Sentimental
What's wrong with that?
So I want to keep pictures
So I want to hold things dear
Nothing wrong with that
Nothing wrong at all

So what if the last thing you are
Is sentimental
So what if you're a total *******
So what if I'm just kicking the pavement three steps behind you
It's not like I'm like
Awfully sentimental

You don't like junk
You don't think I think things through
I just wanna jive and be a human bean
You think I'm just too
Sentimental
But what the **** is wrong with being
Sentimental
You know what?
I really don't care that much anymore
You've lost your luster

So what if I'm no longer sentimental
Maybe it was all a show
Maybe neither of us are all that likeable
Maybe we should all just stop being
Sentimental

Maybe we should all be a little more
Sentimental

**** it, but I don't care that I'm
Sentimental
No, not anymore.

Sometimes I think the worst part about loving you
Isn’t the hurt you cause when you’re away
Sometimes I think the worst part is how you give me a feeling that I can’t satisfy...
Honey, you make me want to sin.
Horribly, messily, disgustingly—sin.

I’m not the ****** type
Never was, probably won’t ever be
But ooh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I want to feel your hands on my skin, a gentle caress I can’t breathe without
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to lose all of this self-doubt
Because honey, you make me want to sin.

I fear God, I don’t want to disappoint
I know you think He doesn’t exist,
But honey, you’re proof enough of just how real He is.
You’re proof enough that the Devil is bent on making me sin.
With those soft doe eyes and a smile that slays,
With the sharp eyebrows that frame your face,
That infectious laugh that leaves me in a daze—
Honey, you make me want to sin.
You never leave me satisfied,
Not with this aching slick you leave between my thighs
‘Tis enough to drive me mad, because honey—
You make me want to sin.

Oof, the way you sing absentmindedly at any time of day,
The soft expressions that you make
The awful memes you display
Oh, Lord—you make me want to sin.

I can’t stop you from racing around in my thoughts
You’ve moved in, taken up residence, and I’m caught
Caught up in your scent, your smile, your eyes
Hair I want to bury my fingers in
A body I want to cling to
Oh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I guess the worst part isn’t really how I feel
But the fact he doesn’t care to notice how much it hurts
He stays immune to my pain until it’s too late
He just wants to be friends, there’s nothing else to say on that
But I keep holding out hope for the fact that there is some potential...
Someday, maybe we can be more than friends.
Maybe we’ll own a house with a white picket fence.
Perhaps we can get a few dogs, let them run free.
In this instance, for you, I’d give you a daughter.
Only for you, love—only for you.
Someday, maybe we will love
Maybe we will stay up all night talking about life
Someday, maybe, if I play my cards right, you will ask me to be your wife.
They say love is patient, it is kind
I have such a hard time keeping this thought alive.
All I want is you, right now
I don’t know how to keep my hurt to myself.
But perhaps,
Maybe someday,
My wish will come true.

Is it even possible?
I still love you,
(I don't think that will ever stop)
Yet it doesn't ache as much when you're around.
Sometimes my chest still lurches when you comment on someone else
But it isn't as dire as before.

When you smile at me, my heart still soars
When we lock eyes, I feel as though I can't breathe
This may never change, love,
Even if you find someone else.

I found time for myself,
I took a break from the world
I let my mind wander
I left the old me behind.
We are still much the same,
With jokes and references galore, laughter and smiles abound--
But my self-image is much more sound.
I don't hate what I see looking back at me
When I catch the mirror's eye
I feel... almost alright.

I tested the waters with someone else;
At first, the world seemed right
We had much in common, it was almost perfect
But he wasn't ready, still hung up on someone else.
It hurt, I'll admit
But I think I always knew he wasn't an option
He was just a stepping-stone.

I discovered many a thing about myself through him:
I don't want lips on my lips,
I just want a body to hold close.
I already have everything I truly need.

It hurts, but not as bad as before
For now, my heart is once again able to soar
My friends love me,
As do you
So, for now,
Until I find someone else,
I am content. I am happy. I will be okay.
Until you find someone else.

Sometimes I hate myself for the stupid things I say.
Sometimes I wanna stab you in the face.
Other times I wanna kiss you.
And yet others... I don't think I know you.
Sometimes I have no hope in a hopeless world.
Sometimes I'm flying by Cloud Nine.
Other times I feel so low I might as well be on the other side of the world.
And yet others... I can't stop singing.
Sometimes I can't get enough of you.
Sometimes I can't wait to be alone.
Other times I don't know how we are the same species.
And yet others... I don't know how I live without you.

Those are my happiest times.

The times when I think about how we will never be
and I hate you for existing

Those are my darkest times.

Suffocate me with your eyes
Be the cause of my glorious demise
**** me softly, save your breath
There is nothing in you I regret

Sometimes I forget to breathe
Sometimes I cannot speak
I lose myself in you all at once
You make me lose my mind, I'm insane
How do you destroy me so beautifully?
Why do you break me?
What is it in each other that we find?
Why is it you find in me your delight?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Don't stop me, let me die
**** me softly, use that breath
There is nothing I don't regret.

You make me unable to breathe
With you around, I cannot speak
I lose myself along the way
You lead me along the path and before you know it, I'm gone
I'm insane
How do you destroy me in such a brilliant way?
Why do you break me to suit you?
What is it that, in me, you seem to like?
Why is it you delight in my pain?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Stop me in my tracks, let me cease
**** me softly with feather-light breath
Press those lips close to this skin
So that there will be nothing I will regret.

I'm unable to breathe
I cannot speak
You make me so unbearably weak
I've lost myself, and I've found you instead
Have I gone completely insane?
Maybe you can exist in my stead
I feel insane
Maybe you should just leave me to break
To exist in this gory glory
Stop this heart, halt these thoughts
Delight in my ache
Find joy in my spite
And, in the end,
Love me with all of your might.

As she swirls in the air
She holds dear what she took
Sunlight glinting in her hair
Clutching to her chest the leather bound book
Awaiting the monster to rise to her lair
As he comes to ***** her life,
Intent on his prize
Beneath cool waters he shall hide
Until it is the time
When into her dying eyes
He shall look.

At first glance, the stone seemed an ordinary thing.
Its surface smoothed with age, the edges and geometric shape seemingly unerring.
It was neither square nor round nor pyramidal, but more closely resembling a trapezoidal figure.
It had lips and valleys, edges and crevices. It was, without further inspection, a simple dark rock.
But, this was no ordinary stone.
If scrutinized, it could be seen...
Millions of shining fragments just beneath the surface, disappearing and appearing, flickering in and out of sight when tilted different ways.
This too could be explained away.
It was only an unrefined piece of blue goldstone, right?
Not so, for it was only upon the closest investigation that its true nature could be seen: when intently inspected, when held in just the right light, it seemed to fill the entire room with stars.
In this light, you held an entire universe in the palm of your hand.

“The rolling sea is gloomy!” The gentlemen cried.
“The tossing waves are bleak!
We should turn back to England,
For we grow feeble, frail, and weak!”

“To me, to me, my soldiers!” Captain Smith replied,
“My faithful servants, do not despair;
Soon we shall be free
From these churning seas!
With her rolling jaws,
Agape her maw,
From her surface we shall not be erased
Nor shall we come to rest in her embrace.”

“All hope is lost, for Davvy Jones we are bound!
What monstrosities shall we arouse?” Master Wingfield said hurriedly.
“We gentlemen beg you to cease
This suicidal journey through the briny deep!”

“We shall continue,” Smith scowled, “Otherwise I shall keelhaul you!
You gentlemen make me sick,
The lot of you wish to quit!
Virginia lies in wait;
Yet, you want to abdicate
The contract we have signed on the dotted line?
For that you shall be bound!”

What if we kissed in the moonlit snow
Hidden behind that low brick wall
Surrounded by the vines?
What if you could hold me close
And never want to let go
When all was said and done?
What if we could be happy
Ever after, after all
Could it be true love?

If only these things happened in reality,
If only it wasn’t just a dream.

Yes, I dreamt of you last night.
I thought of others as I drifted off to sleep
But none of them can keep my headspace.
I want to die every day
Waiting
Wanting
Hurting.
I dreamt of you and it was so real that when I woke up I cried a little.
Because though I could still feel your breath on my skin and the bite of the cold
It wasn’t real.
You don’t love me.
My life feels a waste.
To love so deeply and be slapped in the face
With the words, “I don’t feel for you that way”
God is a cruel master
I feel like dying
For it was so real, so lovingly true (at least to me,)
That when I woke up
I died a little.

What if we really caressed as lovers do
Under the falling icy sky
Deep within the brambles?
What if we really touched and loved and smiled
Living for one another
Under that grey sky?
What if we really were as one
And my days were not wasted pining
And I was truly happy?

What if I could find someone who pushed you out of my mind?
Can I even hope to be happy?
I doubt it, love
Because until I can
I will continue to want to die.

When he left me, it hurt.
Then all I felt was rage, I'll admit, at first.
Clarity came last, for what it was worth.

The more I reflect on us, the more I look
The more I see, the further I gaze
He was never perfect.
All of the aches and the pain that he brought
He didn't deserve the love I offered.
His promises were a shiny veneer over plastic
Made to look like precious metal, but underneath existed nothing of worth.
He took his leave, he left of his own will
Of this, I'm sure, was a blessing in disguise.

The rose-colored-lenses have come off.
I can finally see, now
That he wasn't even good--
No...
He was the worst.
He tortured and played
Pulled my strings, and I obeyed
He wanted me to fall apart and put me back incorrectly
So that when he failed, he could just leave
Leave with no further explanation
Not even a lie
He simply left me with a pile of promises
And finally, clear eyes.

When he left me, I thought something in me died.
Perhaps it did.
But I think it was a good change, I won't lie.
I don't miss him. This much, I can say is true.
If anything, I rue the way things changed
I wish I could have controlled it, how soon
I shouldn't have gotten attached at all.
No matter, anyway.
I've overcome that pain, I've found someone new
He actually wants me, of this I'm sure
And because I'm finally over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
My freshly-healed wings are finally able to fly.

I don’t let anyone know what I’m really thinking
The whispers in my head are only for me
They say things that I’d rather not admit
They hurt me in more than one way.

The whispers are cruel and soft
They chip away at my self-esteem
They voice all of my concerns, they tear me apart by the seams
But no one can know, not anyone at all
You’d probably put me in a straight jacket
For the things they say to me.

They understand me like only I could
They know everything behind what I do
They sound like me—
But the things they say? I wish I didn’t agree.
They’re so intrinsically me.
I despise them, but I know they’re right.

“I’m unloved.”
“No one thinks I’m attractive. I disappear among all of the others in the room.”
“They don’t really like me.”
”I’m so stupid, my friends don’t care for me as much as I do for them.”

If only I could transfer a tiny percent of my love for my friends to myself,
I think I would be fine.
I wish I didn’t hate myself
But it’s such a thin line
In a way, I’m a blade runner
In that I walk the edge of my sanity on a day to day basis.

I wish I didn’t listen to the whispers.
I wish everyone knew I’m not fine.
But I don’t want your sympathy, no, not that.
I just want you to understand.
The whispers at night when I’m all alone
The voices that tell me I should just be a rotting pile of bones
All I want is to silence them,
But to do that, I would have to cease existing.

I’m tired of wanting to die
I’m tired of these endless whispers telling me I’m not enough
I’m tired of the girl that sounds like me
I just want to feel happy for once in my life
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not
I just want to be.