I think that
They believe
They can hide me
In a box
Forever.

They
"Only
Want
To
Protect
Me."

But it isn't
Protection
When
The surface
Isn't
Permeable.

Nothing gets in
And
Nothing gets out.

And
There isn't
Air to
Breathe.

I'm having one of those days
Where my thoughts go South
And breathing gets tough
And icicles stick to my
Vocal chords
And the snow is so thick
That my blood striped hand
In front of my face
Disappears.
And eventually
After a while
I need a map
To find my way back
North.
But I'm so far South
That my fingers are too frigid
To make a snowman.
And my mind's too numb
To think South anymore.

Why
Do you
Have to like
Him?

I like him.

I've liked him for a while.

But you
Just met
Him.

And
Now
He
Likes
You
Too.

I
Can't
Let
Him
Go,

But you don't
Have
To.

And
You
Don't
Know.

Though my other
Friends
Call it
Painfully obvious.

And
I
Don't
Think
You
Care
Enough

That I'm cute
Beautiful
Pretty

And I tell them that
It's okay that I'm not
Because I know I'm not
But I don't like being lied to

I know I'm not
Because I can't let tears
Drip down my cheeks
As they shimmer in the dim light
Of the movie credits

I sob until
My face is red and damp and puffy
And I'm clinging to your sleeve
And just crying so uncontrollably
That people sitting next to us
In the dark theater
Might glimpse over to see if maybe
I have a reason to cry so hard.

Does shehave cancer?
Is she missing a leg?
Did her crack-addict mother die when she was an infant?
Why is this bratty straight white blonde girl crying while watching Selma/Dallas Buyer's Club/The Help?

I have to brush my hair
Instantly
When I get out of the pool
In the summer
(Hopping from foot to foot of course
Because the sun has baked the concrete)
Because if I don't
It becomes a half-curly knotted mess.

And if I don't braid it directly after that
Then it dries
In resemblance to a Yield Sign
In a somewhat triangular form

And I'm chubby.
Not fat. It would be better if I were fat.
If I were fat then things would be
Proportionalish
But instead I'm just
A 5'2 and 3/4" girl
With DDs that no one wants
Because "***** don't count when you're chubby"
And baby fat that lounges on my stomach
No matter how many kilometers I row.

My fingers are too small for my hands.
My glasses make my eyes look huge.
My lips are forever chapped.
My cheeks are overly red.
My eyes are too dark to be pretty
And I know it.
I know all of it.

I've lived in my body for longer than you have.
So don't lie to me.
Don't tell me that I'm cute
Beautiful
Or god forbid pretty
Because I really
Really
Hate being lied to.

Find an outlet.

It should be
Behind a
Desk
Or
A
Bookcase.

I need
Warmth

I need
Energy

I need
Life

Plug me into the
Wall.

Charge me.

Let me sit there
Long after
My eyes glow
Full
And
Powerful

Let me
Sit there
When I
Might
Explode.

Plug me into
The
Wall

Save me

I don't want to die.

He's dead.
Gone.
Found killed,
All four of them.
In their house
This morning.

I won't see him in Geometry tomorrow.
He won't pull out Lauren's chair for her.
That was the kind of guy he was.

He won't volenteer for every answer,
Not ever getting discouraged
When he wasn't picked.

He won't chace the football jocks
Down the C-Pod staircase
On the way to lunch.

He'll  never eat a ham sandwich again.

I feel like throwing up.

And on her patterned wrist
She scratched
*Please Don't Go

I'm that friend
Who you ask to the mall
On those weekends
Where it's so nice
And sunny
That everyone's at the beach.

I'm that friend
That you walk home
With
On days
Where everyone else
Has mountains of
Homework.

I'm the friend
That you ignore
When they text you
Because they're so
THICK
That they're
Too stupid
And
Desperate
To take the hint.

I will never be your first choice.
But I can settle for last.

If it means
Going to the mall
With you
On those weekends
Where it's so nice
And sunny
That everyone's at the beach.

If it means
Walking home
With you
On days
Where everyone else
Has mountains of
Homework.

And if it means
Getting that one text
Saying that
You
"Have to go"
And you'll
"Ttyl."

I'll settle for that.

Don't be
A mole.

I hate moles.

They burrow
And
Scavenge
And
Live in the
Dark.

Thats just
What you did
To my heart.

You burrowed
Deep,
Down to the center.

You set up camp.
And I didn't know
You were a mole.
I thought maybe you were
A
Straw,
To ****
Bad things
Out.
So I kept you warm
And waited calmly for the
Bad stuff to
Dissapear.

But I realized
That
You were a
Magnifying glass,
To emphasise
My flaws

And you were
A
Seam-ripper
To
Pull the patches
From where
I had already healed,
To make the scabs
Bleed
Again.

And I thought you were
A
Jigsaw
And you were broken
So I could fix you
And put you
Together.

Like a
Vase,
Easily
B
r
o
k
e
n.

And
Then
You left me.

Like a
Tooth
Full of
Cav it ies.

That
Space
Next
To
My heart

No longer full.
And you
Didn't depend on me,
No longer a tapeworm.

I miss you.
Like
You
Were
Mine.

But you were
Never
Mine.

My bones were vibrating,
Grinding the bite out of my teeth.
My arms wrapped around my stomach
Tighter than a boa constrictor
Trying to stop the shaking
The vibrating
Originating in the pit of my hopeless stomach.
The churning black hole that could erupt at one twitch.
I ****** at the side of my finger,
Avoiding the nausia,
And avoiding the acid nipping at my tonsils.
Chewing away at my bouncing teeth.
My hunched back leaned against the brick,
Spine curved into my shoulders
Enclosing my frozen chest,
My nose threatening to fall off.
And at that time
I wanted to be anywhere
Just to
Get away
From
There.

Sometimes
I wish
My father
Would trim
The shrubs
Into something
More interesting than
A ball.

It'd be cool to have
A
Unicorn
Shrub
Or maybe
A
Dolphin
Shrub
Or
A
Monkey
Shrub.

But
The only
Shrub
My dad can do
Seems
To Be
A
Ball.

1 I've seen life through the eyes of a different soul
And maybe I hated what I saw
2 On the floor of Tokyo,  one down another town to go.
I'll go anywhere to get away
3 If you want to get with me, theres some things you gotta know
And I won't open my heart for you
4 All this trouble that I know, every swing I take, and stone I've thrown
They were all aimed at you
5 Rule number one is that you gotta have fun
And I will always avoid it
6 Automatic, systematic, come on don't be so dramatic
I'll do whatever I want
7 To all my friends, the night is young
Live your life
8 I can see our fingers are intertwined
But I want to untangle them
9 She, she ain't real
But neither am I
10 I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
And so I left
11 Give me love, my God. Lately I've been waking up alone.
Come and find me
12 I'm waking up to ask and dust
Someone save me
13 Look down from a broken sky
Why didn't you come?
14 What I see is what's to be, cartwheels to eternity
You aren't guilty
15 Be careful making wishes in the dark
Don't forget me
16 All I know is the morning when I woke.
I never woke up
17 I wanna be drunk when I wake up on the right side of the wrong bed.
But I won't wake
18 This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And she even killed herself
19 No sir, well I don't want to be the blame, not anymore.
It was never my fault
20 Lights go out and they can't be saved
*I could never be saved

You left
For England
Saturday
An it was raining when you left
An when you got back
It rained still.

And you were gone
For one week
Seven days.
Which is five school days
For me to squeeze through geometry
without you
(And
I
Can
Barely
Survive
With
You)

And Sarah asked
For a Union Jack
T-shirt
And told you
Not to forget.

And you brought it
For her
And
Got
Nothing
For
Me

But you told me
"You didn't ask
But if you want something
I'll get it for you
Next time.
I have to go back in
Six to eight weeks"

And I thought
You would have
Bought me something
Not as a
Souvenir
But
As
An
Apology

For leaving my alone
For a week
To live lonely

And yet
You'll go back
To England across the pond
In
Six
To
Eight
Weeks

Sometimes I doubt you're actually going to England.

Sometimes I forget I have a father.

When we were little
They used to call them
Spotted
Orange
Lizards.

I think they were trying not to scare us with
The words
Standards
Of
Learning.

Standardized testing.

Those things that you need Number Two pencils for.

Those things that they prepare you for
Every year
For months.

Those things that if a cell phone goes off
The entire class comes back
During the summer
And retakes it.

Those things that they give you hours and hours
To take,
Out of our normal schedule,
Even though they only take
Forty-five minutes

Those things that don't even count
Towards our grades
Because
"They're really assessing the teachers--
But it's important to do your best."

SOLs.
Those things that people stress over.

Even though your answers
Are only
Tiny gray dots
On a
Scantron sheet.

1: Am I the only one I know waging these wars behind my face and above my throat?
I'm all alone
2: When the waters rise in the storms of life I will stand secure in you
You are all I have
3: If I could then I'd shrink the world tonight so that I could find you and me inside
I can lean on you
4: Just cause you think it don't make it so
Can I trust you?
5: Baby come on over I don't care if people find out
No
6: I know what you think in the morning when the sun shines on the ground
You aren't worth it
7: Why are you strivin these days? Why are you tryin to earn grace?
I'm not worth it
8: Never win first place, I don't support the team
I'm not worth anything
9: Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking, when you fall everyone stands.
I'm invisible
10: I just want to run
No one will notice if I die
11: Hello my name is regret, I'm pretty sure we have met
I want to die
12: When life leaves you high and dry I'll be at your door tonight if you need help
You can't save me from myself
13: Be careful what you're wishing in the dark
Will anyone miss me?
14: You're killing my resistance now I have to let go
It's time
15: I can't take them on my own, oh I'm not the one you know
Thank you
16: There's no way to say this song's about someone else
Thank you
17: I should ink my skin with your name
Thank you for saving me
18: I don't know where you're going or when you're coming home I left the keys under the mat
I miss you
19: Night falls with gravity, the earth turns from sanity
No one will care if I die
20: Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews of a church corridor...

I hate that you're depressed
because
you are so
beautiful.

I do love you,
even if
we just met.

You are perfect.
Those scars on your
thighs
are
destroying
you.

I hate how it
Poisons your
Bloodstream,
Making you cut open
your skin
in ribbons.

Stop

Please stop.

And I
Was so stuck
On my own
Little
Problems
That I totally
Missed
That you were
Suicidal
Too.

"That's so gay!"
A use of
Slang and slander
In
The
Wrong
Direction.

If they use
Gay as in
Happy
The
Way
Most
Have
Forgotten
It would be a good expression.

But if they use it
As a reference to
Homosexuality
Then
I
Don't
Get
It
I
Won't
Get
It.

You can't be more gay
Than someone else.
There's no scale
Or
Chart
To measure
Gayness

And it's a bad expression
So gay is
Bad?

No.

Gay is not bad.

People who say "That's so gay."

They are bad

Happiness
Hit her
Like a train
On a
Track.

Knocked her out,
Tied her up,
And took her
Back.

And Happiness
Loved her.
And Happiness cared.

She clung to Happiness
As much as she dared.

But when Happiness
Left
Her
As Happiness
Will

Her body
Closed down,
And in came a
Chill

A cold front
Clouded
Above her head.

She spoke not a word,
Until they found her dead.

Happiness
Hit her
Like a train
On a
Track.

Coming
Towards her,
Stock still,
No turning back

We're locked in a race
And the only way to get out
Is by
Winning.

It's silent.
Stealthy.
Unspoken.
Secret.

There aren't rules
Or guidelines
Or officials.

The way it works
Is
Whoever kills themselves first
Wins.

I guess I just expected
Something else

It happens every year,
I get excited
Hopeful
Giddy
That maybe
This year will be
Different.

Maybe I'll find an awesome friend
Who does my nails
And answers calls at two am
Like Nicole did
Before she moved to California

Or she could be like Kayla
Who would be silly with me in
Drama class
And use chocolate sauce for blood
In our Black and White movie
Before her dad died in combat
And she went to bury him in
Some foreign country
Where cell phones
Don't count

Or a boyfriend like Louis
That I could see a future with
Sitting listening to Relient K
In a college dorm
With a million years to spare
Before he left for London

But the girl in front of me
In English
Pops her gum for the boy
In the next desk
And could poke my eye out
With her fake straightened hair.

The girl in my drama class
Cakes on her mask and
Participates in pageant after pageant
And calls her anorexia
A diet

And I heard the rumor
That the boy I thought was cute
In chemistry
Was caught ******* his
Girlfriend
Under her desk in
Español Dos.

I didn't think my standards were too high to meet.

"Oh, hey Emily, will you be on our team?"

It was the very bad ending to a very bad day.

Three tests, forgotten homework, stuttered lines,
And this is what got me in the end.

Those girls,
The ones with the
Perfect long blonde beautiful hair
And the pencil skirts
And uggs,
The girls who even manage to make gym clothes look good.

We had lined up for
Captain ball
Which is really just
A mix of
Soccer and basketball.

And we had to line up,
Every inch of back touching the wall,
And the first seven people from each side would play, and then the next seven.

But of course
Those girls
The ones who can't bear to be
Seperated
For two minutes and forty-seven seconds
Had to have the perfect team.

No.
Just no.

I won't "be on your team."

There are no teams.

The trees
Behind the checkered screen
Of my window
Are silhouetted skeletons
Against a black and white
Cotton candy sky.
And limp dangling pieces of flesh
Cling to the bones
Refusing release.

She loved art
And she breathed
And ate
And slept art
And she radiated art
And art was her life

And we
All loved her
One hundred percent
And every
Girl
Was her
Best friend

And the priest
Doing the funeral
Hadn't met her.
But her parents
Paid him like he had.

And they told the priest
"She loved art
And she breathed
And ate
And slept art.
And she radiated art.
And art was her life."

And so that was what he
Told the
Congregation.


But when
A quiet person like her
Dies
No one ever finds out
That she
Hated art
But
In fact
She loved Forensic Science.

He told you
He wants you to be sluttier.

If he loved you
Like you want him to
Like you love him
He would
Never
Even
Think
About asking you to change.

Why can't you see?

He's ruining you.

He eats at your soul like an earthworm
hollowing things out in there

He's done it to girls before.

Why can't you see?

He's using you.

Why can't you see?

I think
I'm finally
In a place
Where being so sore
That walking up
A flight of
Thirteen stairs
Makes my legs burn
Feels good to me.

They say I'm getting stronger.
I think they're right.

Is just what it sounds,
First you're up,
Then you're down

Can't decide
Of what to write
Of hearing? Of taste?
Of smelling? Of sight?

And you run in circles
But nowhere you get
Because writer's block
Has you in its net.

Cemented shoes
And silenced talk
It's even hard to describe
Writer's block

Yes,
I like you.

I've liked you
For
A
While

And
Yes,
I Talked to you
About
Your
Girlfriend

And
Yes,
I
Almost
Set
You
Up
With
My
B­est
Friend

And
Yes,
I
Text
You
Every day
Even when
You don't
Text back.

Yes,
I like you.

Please don't try to understand.