A day
might come
far long
from now

And I'll be
Just
A story

dark clouds hover
over my head

I can't complain
about my shelter

Your lies shattered like crystal
Spread all around the living room

Many days
My bare feet teach me all about regret

As I,
Once again,
Get cut
By their pieces

he said
the words
couldn't have
faded more
gracefully

like tea,
infused his brain
with memories
of sweet nothings

she sat there in silence
digging into her wrist
with tweezers

she said
ants were crawling
under her skin

swore
she only wanted
to let them out

freedom
is a resonating
irony

2 minutes
breathless

spastic
and in tears

let it rain
down on my shoulders
its
as close to a hug
I can get

one day
I will fall
into limbo
forget corners exist
and be thankful
I can't see

When I was little,
I only felt the pain
when I saw the blood

yet somehow,

when you melted
my dreams
and distracted me from
satisfaction

It hurt
more than blood
had prepared me to

I saw butterflies today
they were beautiful

I spread my arms wide
like in cliche stock images
and welcomed
any sunshine

You told me I should write
Give the world a piece of my mind
And find my inner peace

Looking at happiness
with gloomy eyes
is never truthful

Looking at it now,
everything I remember you said
sounds like human sacrifice

I swear
you took more pieces
than I knew I had

I think
you did it
by breaking me

You told me to write
but ever since
I've been writing in riddles

trying to save myself
any last piece

The lights no longer dim
The weeks no longer long
They built a building
That blocked our view

I still try to remember
What it looked like before you

On the days
You hurt me
I chose to forgive you

I still know
That was the best thing to do

When I was afraid of change
My mind would trick me
Into submission
By forgetting
My favorite quote

"the way I loved you was consuming"

"I hope you heal all the wounds you want to heal"

I lit a candle in midday
and watched how quickly
I'd forget about it

When your gaze shifts
and our eyes meet
I feel like a cookie crumble

He told me the palm of my hand
smells like cookie dough;
I was baked for you

I bet if animals could speak,
we wouldn't get along as much

How many times do I need to say
"there are some things better left unsaid"
before you finally understand?

I'm still learning how to trust myself

Your image remains on my retina
and your touch remains on my skin

I've waited seven years
for all my cells to be replaced
but you always seem to win

I forgot my favorite poem
but I remember your grin

And only my memory knows about
the dimple on your chin

I remember the streaks in your iris

but I forget how I've been

I think I'm losing against myself
in this war within

And I'll send a lonely prayer on a winter night,
For you

I worry about you

Some nights I soak my pillow
then cry into my hands
I try to press against my cheeks as tightly as I can
and convince them that they're laughing

One time, I cried all the way to your house in a taxi,
rushed to your bed and cried on there too,
we drank smoothies that day

I worry about you
I worry and I can't tell you
I don't wanna worry you too

I wish I can look into your eyes and tell you I forgive you,
and mean it

When I'm crying,
I feel like I'm suffocating by a lump in my throat
I think my pride had made its way into my airways, hoping to be coughed out
But I don't cough it out, I keep swallowing it back in

I guess this is how it feels

I guess this is where I am

I trained my feet to keep walking it feels so weird to stop

And tomorrow's gonna be different

A different reason to smile in the morning

If you ask me how I ended up here
I'll tell you I was blindfolded
and dragged to an unfamiliar ocean
dropped on to a boat made of
cheap sheets of wood
The waves are taking me away
and I'm yelling off the top of my lungs
and everyone I know is on the sand

no one is helping me

except you

And you ask me how I'm doing
but how can I describe being trapped in a maze
I know the exit of

How do I explain what
the lump in my throat feels like?

I've gotten so used to its flavor
I'm forgetting what it tastes like

What does dignity taste like when wrapped around in fake laughter and salted with tears?

How can I tell you this
without having you think I'm asking for attention?

Maybe I am asking for attention

Attention your wallet has not learned how to afford

They call them baby steps

I'd like to think its because
babies walk slowly and unsteadily
often fall, quit, and crawl instead
and on most days,
they walk one step forward
and two steps back

I bite my fingernails
Then nervously scratch my hair

I've been in fights before
One time I punched a guy
For making fun of my neck
I pushed him against the desk
And kicked his stomach.
He never spoke to me again.
I went home crying that day
Victory never tasted so salty.

Insecurities ringing in my ears
Like the alarm on a clock

It's time
Time again

I've been in fights before
But there's only one that leaves me
On the bathroom floor
With sunken eyes
A bitter taste on my tongue
And a sandpaper feel on my teeth

I've been in fights before
None as hard
As the one against myself

What do you do
When you don't believe yourself?
Who are you, if you are more than one?

I always thought I had two hands
For a reason
As one would push against
The back of my throat
The other
Would hug my waist

I don't know who I am
The clock keeps ticking
It's time again
I don't want it to be

There are two arms in a clock
And two arms on my body

It's time
It's time again

I was writing my research
The other night
I had to explain
The conflict of interest
In my study

I forget the research doesn't care about me
The conflict of interest
Doesn't mean when I sleep all day
Miss my college classes and fail my quizes
So that no one hears what happens in the toilet
At 3:12 am

When I was in 4th grade
My friend told me her secret method for a happy life

She said she'd write down
What had made her upset
Then tear it into little pieces
And throw it away

I have no one to talk to
And my room is full of confetti
Sometimes I convince myself
That someone is cheering for me

Why is no one cheering for me?
I am skinny
I am skinny
Why is no one cheering for me?

I feel two feelings
Every day of my life
One that I have betrayed someone
The other that I have been betrayed

I'm still trying to figure out
Which
Is worse

I wraped myself around you
and prayed the skin between us
would melt,
so our hearts could finally be together

your smell haunts me
in taxis and airports,
my heart is not made
for moments like this

my ears bleed
on the Wednesdays
they play our song
on the radio
but I can't
make myself
turn it off

ever since you left
I've been taking half breaths

I want to be able to tell you
I didn't breathe a full breath
without you

You were the reason why

and I forgot that

[you are]
woven into my soul
and brain
beyond recognition

Bring your knees
as close to your chest
as you are able

but remember

fetal positions
don't turn back
time
or place

I tied my heart
into my stomach

I am done
bearing the pain
every time
it chooses
to sink

And you stroked my hair,
rested your head on my shoulder
and said:
"you make me feel
like I'm dancing on clouds,
and somehow,
I'm not falling.
But I'm afraid to,
God am I afraid to."

Shed your skin.
Stop carrying it around
on your back,
trying to remind yourself
of who you once were

Regenerating skin cells
are living proof
that the past can be
gone and forgotten

Humans are programmed
to find bitterness repulsive,
for most poisons are bitter

Boy,
I wish I hadn't conditioned myself
to loving bitter flavors;
as I drank unsweetened black tea
and bit into dark chocolate

Maybe then, I wouldn't have
ignored the bitter aftertaste
your lips left on mine

Tell me
the first thought of your day
and the last prayer
in your night

tell me what shapes
you see in the clouds

and which songs
keep playing in your head

tell me about
your recurring dreams

tell me about the scents
that take you back

tell me how long
you can look at me
before breaking eye contact

tell me why you
sigh in elevators

then tell me how you keep
your feet warm in the winter

tell me when your tears
rushed uncontrollably

tell me which mistakes
you appreciate
and which ones
you try to ignore

tell me
and I promise you
I won't try to fit your
pieces like a puzzle

I promise you
I will treat
your every block
like a masterpiece

People often talk of events,
but rarely of their sequence

I firmly believe that the past
prepares for the present
and the present
prepares for the future

and if the present came to you in the past
you will fall on the ground
and bleed all the prayers known to man

your eyes are constantly crying
removing all dirt from your eyes, dear
don't let anyone shame you
for over-lacrimation at times

Remember that its never more
than you can bear
and that your hunchback
may look like poor lifestyle choices
to some-
but I know
your back is adapting
to the weight it has
to carry

the body is strong,
but the mind is stronger,
denial is a strong weapon
don't let anyone tell you
its a weakness

Drop me like a beat
Stomp me underneath your feet
like you're happy and you know it.
Empty yourself from me
Throw me like I'm the rain to your cloud
weighing you down
And I will fall like the fast and heavy rain.
But I will not come down crashing
I will come down splashing.
I will be the soothing mist that covers windows
I will travel with rivers as the wind blows
In winter, like a snowflake, I'll freeze
Children will play with me
And I will take any form I please.

With every deep wound
comes the gushing blood
; and with every drop of blood,
comes the ink for your poetry

I cannot replace your mother's essence
I cannot fill the void
nor deny it's presence.
I cannot expect myself to abolish your desolation
nor can I pretend to comprehend your situation.
All I can do is
pray that you find
the love you lack
within your own disposition.

Hearts are bleeding
in all these chests,
but how could they know
when their hearts
already embody blood?

My eyes keep seaching for you
and my fingers keep longing for your touch

Do you know how many times
I think of you and hold my breath?

And when someone mentions you,
the clouds make space for the sunshine,
the ocean tide disappears
and the earth stops rotating

Forgive me please
for not telling you
that I'd rather be a molecule of oxygen
in your lungs for ten seconds
than a minute apart from you

They speak about addiction
with such disdain
but how do I explain
that my addiction to you
is the only reason I'm still sane?

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night
walk around the balcony
and pray to God
we'll find each other again

I run my hands through my hair
and touch a pit on the back of my skull

I whisper to the air
"Wow, I forgot I had that scar,"

So easily does your body accommodate,
in the absence of a once living part

Your broken heart should only wait
For other sensations to impart

If you ask me where I live,
I'd say "under your nail bed"
where its yellow,
blue and red

Horever, I live in dread
for I can grow out of you
and not one tear would be shed

Burn your tongue
if it tries to speak my name
and crack your skull
when your brain thinks of me

Pain wakes you up
and you need that, honey

For why would any man
not diving in deep sleep
be in love with me?

I wanna be able to unleash you
dauntlessly.
Because I trust that you will return back home
to me.

Don't be afraid
of admitting mistakes
like running on top
a bridge that might break

don't deny your conscious
the possibility of change
some days after you've ignored its voice
you will hear its faint whispers

I promise you,
its never too late to change

Don't underestimate the power
of apologies

I find it fascinating
how one word
can change a person
and his entire world

The need for validation
the lack of affection
the idea of love
and appeal of attention

a dangerous combination
a potion for complete destruction

and once your heart settles down
it will start asking questions

but how can you explain
romanticizing disruption?

You run your fingers
down the sulci of my brain
and read my all
like I'm written in braille

You can't travel between
the lines of the book
or the clouds of the sky

Put your feet on the path
that leads you where you want to go
and dear, don't land, you have to fly

Your firsts sway
as you walk

your nose bleeds
when its cold

you frown when
you have a headache

and you cry
as you laugh

you are a book of secrets
and the key is an illusion
and even if your secrets
are about your bowel habits,
to me,
forever you'll be,
an enchanting mystery

You spent your life
swimming against the current
in blue and ghastly oceans

You stepped into this pool,
surprised by the lack of static

Making more effort
than you need to,
But much less,
much much less,
than you want to

Swimming against the current
is what you learned to live by
every other option
*doesn't feel like home

drinking leftover coffee from yesterday
as you struggle to adjust to the light in the room

the wind is strong on your bare shoulders
but your fluffy socks are balancing the effect

life is good
and so are you

I want to tell you
about the familiar cologne
I smell on your collarbones

I think I've worn it before
Some time in the past
when I thought scents
would last...
and they did

Maybe the corner of your eyes
do not look like mine
but I swear
I see myself in your pupils
and feel myself in your iris

The delicate firmness
you hold yourself in
like a collapsed skyscraper
like a simplified complexity

I have worn it before

Maybe I met you before

Maybe I love you

Maybe
I'm just in love
with what reminds me
of myself

Maybe
I'm just in love
with myself

Is something wrong with that?

I sometimes speak
words I don't comprehend,
throw the names
into the wind as
tears
make their way
into my eyes

I remind myself
of the phrases
I keep holding on to

and the fears
start creeping in
I swallow them
with my saliva
only after then,
in my intestines,
they'd be reabsorbed
into my blood

they travel
through my arteries
and veins
and settle in my brain
control my heartbeat
and my nervous system
and I shiver
with self-doubt

On days
I want to stay in
I don't wash my hair
I never mind
how I look like
because I love my soul
and I love my body
and I love my face

But tell me why
I wash my hair when
I go out
tell me why,
when I do that,
my body screams
in uncertainty,
demanding to know
what my
plan
is

I don't have a plan
on most days,
I wallow in self-pity
and sleep amongst regrets
and I wake up happy

they tell me to never sleep
when I'm sad
but it soothes my soul

I want to be loved
but I assure you
I will reject love
when it comes
knocking in my door

I will recognize love
through the peep hole
put my fingers in my ears
and go to the other room
and when love
calls me
my body will shiver
because I don't know
what to do

I'm not used to love
I'm not used to being given attention
and wanting it is not the same
as seeking it

And wanting it,
never harmed anyone

Contradicting myself
is my biggest talent
and I sometimes
wonder
if I have ten brains
fused into one

Vulnerability
is my greatest treasure
and it will one day
eat me alive

I promise you,
I will learn from my mistakes


Being aware of the effect
is not the same
as causing it

and on days like this,
I blame my hormones,
I blame things I cannot control

so that I allow myself
moments
of weakness

A jungle.
So beautiful,
but dangerous.
Wild,
but serene.