I try to hate you with all of my will
my body fights back with
the tightening of my throat,
tries to sabotage me by
flooding my body with tears,
and twisting knots in my abdomen
too tight for rage to escape
my voice comes out in hushed tones
not forceful enough to show anger
I think I should hate you with all of my will
*my body won't let me

Plenty of memories
And
Someday I will learn
To let go

Say
Everything, let it all out
Can you feel it eating you alive
Remember
Eventually
They'll all be revealed
Someday

Lies heavy
A heart of disdain
Entrenched in yesterday's catastrophes
A morsel remains.
So you sit take
A razor to your wrist
The urge to strong, too enticing, to resist
And inflict pain
Tear open your veins.
Just like paper.
And there's a waiter in the midst
Inside of you
But your waiting and debating
Has got the best of me too.
And we're sat here together
Hands interlaced
Wondering if we'll ever get out of this place.
If that gorgeous smile of yours
Will ever rejoice upon your face
And tumble across those lips.
And despite the promises
We're wondering if the pair of us
Really are equipped for this,
journey you're embarking upon.
Honey I know it will be long,
But you deserve so much better.
Nows your time
Clench it in your tightest fist
Before you're gone.
Before we hear your funeral song.
Darling grab it with all your might
Now's the time.
You have to fight.

Tears rush down one by one blinding me;
Every one of them
Are different
Reasons why they
Slither

I miss you

If that isn't good enough to get you to come back,

Then I don't know what is

Stop trying to remember his scent, he smelled like summer and reminds you of the time he made you laugh so hard, you snorted out milk on that dead, hazy day.

2. Don't waste your day trying to decipher what colour his eyes were, it'll only remind you of the galaxies and constellations that you once saw in his eyes

3. Stop trying to retrace the shape of his mouth in the middle of the night, you'll choke on your tongue trying to taste the mint he devoured seconds before pulling you in for a kiss

4. Stop reliving the times you clasped hands together, the glass plate will fall off your trembling hands.

5. Burn this list, admit that the galaxies and constellations shining in his eyes were wilted, the one in yours are bursting with fire. Remember on the dead, hazy day his laugh sounded like nails running down a chalkboard. Remember when you kissed, the weeds growing from his mouth entangled the roses blooming in yours.

Realize that one day, another boy is going to come and plant daisies where he left behind thorns.

Holding hands, yet feeling alone,
Your presence was meant to be my home.

I can still feel you-
         the you you used to be,
The us that was,
               the you and me.

Holding hands, yet feeling alone.
Where did the excitement go?
The magic we would feel-
                 with every touch,
The joy,
              the nerves,
                                 the rush-

Holding on to every word-
                 anticipating the next.
Remembering each and every moment,
Waiting anxiously to create the rest.

Now we rest on each other,
sometimes without a word to say.
What happened to the moments-
when we hadn't enough hours in a day.

At least when we admit-
             that what we had is now lost.
I will have gained a million memories to put to a song.

And every time 'our song' plays,
                           I'll surely think of you.
Dreams shared, Years lost-
       *and all I'm left with is a tune.

I played her some songs I like;
She asked "why I like sad songs?"
I told her "because I like the lyrics"
Then she asked me if I'm sad
And I said "yes a little bit".
She said "why"
And that question made me
Even feel sadder.
I just told her "I don't know"
But in my head I knew
I just didn't want to tell her
I felt she was too young to know
Too young to know that
I got my heart broken
Into Pieces by this
Guy I thought really loved me
I still feel sad because
It hurts me a lot
And I live in this state where
He didn't do any of it.

That it's all a dream
And soon I'll wake up
And realize it isn't real
And in another world
I still feel that were together

I'm still stuck on Him
And I don't know what to do
I want to cry but no matter
How hard I try
Tears won't come out.
As if I ran out of tears
Or as if there's a wall holding it
All back.
I'm scarred

If I listen to happy songs will I be happy?
If, so please let my ears listen and
Fill my heart with happiness and good
With positive thoughts
And hoping to live another day without
Thinking about my broken heart
My thoughts scream and shout
Inside of my head
And I'm walking around
With a broken heart.
I was shocked
Yes. Because it hit me
With Irony
So I laughed a little bit
And cried some

I always had my doubts
I was just too ****
Stupid not to put it all together
Soon enough.
I seen and heard things
That made me think
Negative.
I assumed he was seeing or doing something else
With another girl
My gut was right
Something I Ignored
And I went along with my life
I should have trusted my gut
It was right all that time

He showed me all the right signs
And I was blinded
Because I wanted to be wrong
October 9 of this year
I wrote my true feeling down
I wrote how I really felt
And I couldn't tell him about it
Because I told him I'll never bring it
Up ever again

So I kept my word.
It was bottled up inside of me
I couldn't tell anyone
I didn't want them to judge me
I didn't want to hear negative
Things towards my feelings
I thought no one would ever understand me
I felt alone
I would cry and carry on
And cry some more
Until I just
Read it in his presence
And afterwards I
Spilled out everything.
All the things I had bottled up inside
Of me.
I spoke my mind that day.
And I felt closure.
Then Again I don't
Think closure is the right word

I was hurt
And tears were rolling down
My face and my tears
Were blinding me
And I took a napkin
And wiped them away

He never knew how I truly felt
Most of the time
But my words that day
I spilled out everything
That I had in my mind
He felt the same as I did
And
When I would cry in secret sometimes
I didn't want anyone else
To know I'm crying
Because I had so much bottled up
My heart would cry with me
When I'm sad.
And all those times I felt sad
He finally felt what I've felt

I just want to scream.
Let it all out. . .
Out what, you'll ask
& I'll say
This pain I carry on me
This burden
This thing I feel that lives
Inside of me.
It’s attacking me from the inside
Wanting to get out
Wanting to be free into
The Atmosphere
Where it would be free
Nothing less and nothing more
Just free

I felt times where I wanted to be free
From this sadness
Called depression
That he brought upon me

And now

I close my eyes, thinking
To myself
This is real and I have to except it
But I don't want to
And this is when I want to scream
Because I don't want to except it

I just don't
It's just so hard for me
I never thought this would happen to me
My heartaches. . .

So. . . . .

Play me some songs of happiness
Because I want to be happy.

She walks down the corridor
back straight, immaculate.
Heels tapping a regular rhythm
heart beating a tattoo of nerves.

nerves

She can hear the wishers of spite
whispering, sneering, delivering splinters
of withering, scathing remarks at her back
behind masks of smiles and false friendship.

friendship

She hasn't been aboard a ship of friends
in quite a while.
Transistors in her head have picked up the
whispers, the predictors have spoken.

spoken

"She only got the promotion on her back"
"Like she has the qualities for the role"
"Well she does have qualities for a roll!"
"She does like rolling on her back!"

back

Back home, she sits at the mirror in her room
shivers whilst remembering the sniggers and
whispers. The slingers of whispers and dirt
have hurt too deep this time.

time

Time has passed, and the only dirt thrown
Is the handful by her sister, on top of the box
her sibling lies in, lies in because of lies.
She espies the work colleagues, watching and grins.

grins

Grins because it's not often you see the twin
of a suicide victim.
The victim of evil whispers, furthermore
she starts work in a week, with these weak whisperers.

**Killers

Perfection is all you ask,
Staring into your reflection,
Your minds own rejection.
You lost your confidence
to embrace imperfection.
To the extent,
You exaggerate,
That life would be better,
If only;
You could appreciate,
That this is fate
And you need to accept
What is left.
Take a breath;
A step back;
Relax and realise,
Its not about
S h a p e or SIZE.
Open up your eyes,
To the beauty inside
- us all.

This was not love making.
This was sin
and the devil victoriously
danced between the sheets.

She closed the door
On what could have been
Wiped the floor
Of what should have been
Cleared the shelves of our memories
Washing her hands
Of the eternity
That we had both promised.
She painted the walls, and decked the halls
With her new lovers pen
Changed the locks
So I couldn't see her again.
She wrote away our history
On a little post it note
And sent it in an envelope of
Divorce papers
She called in the painters and decorators
And started anew
Put to bed
All that we'd been through
And left me dangling
By a thread
Waiting for the phone to call
For any sign at all
That this wasn't true.
Waiting for the I love yous
That had warmed even the coldest of mornings
Better than any cup of coffee ever could
Waiting for the reassuring cuddles and kisses
That had made me feel so, so good.
Waiting
For
The one person who had always caught me, to catch me
As I fell
Head first into an abyss
Of late nights and stiff drinks
That she'd spent years, pouring down sinks.
But since she's been gone
I've picked up the bottle again
And it's began to throttle the pain.
So I drink down the past and remains in whiskey drops
Until the floor lures me
I lose sight of the clocks
And hit the decks.
If I was a pirate,
I'd make a mighty good ship mate
But as it is
I'm not and I'm late for work
And wearing odd socks
A shadow of the man I used to be.
And even my shadow doesn't recognise me.