i want to grow with you and see how your limbs change with the seasons
how your skin grows pale as snow
your eyes warming with an impending chill
something has to keep us warm

School girl shoes click click click
sidewalk symphony
serendipitous solace
suspicious sadness
solitude solves cerebral sickness

it goes from black and white to color so quickly
pulsating
over and over
socked toes curling back
knees quaking
delicious
head floats over neck
vertebrae crack
yum

hello
i love you
i sink into the bath tub with a non-existent hymn coursing through my brain as I try to be focused and humble
whistles of a familiar song bring me solace
as does whiskey that tastes like peace and the spring

bring me all your green crystals
i want to make you feel better

sitting cramped in like sardines on a double decker bus is beginning to feel normal and comfortable
vanilla and wild flowers lay on my tongue as I drift away
all my old lovers faces are beginning to blur together
all pieces of the puzzle that creates what I ultimately want in a human
one thing here
one spot there

my shirt is so sheer that you can see the pink of my skin
chapped lips and blood-shot eyes don't bring romance

the smell of pine wraps its gentle arms around me and cradles me to sleep
this is winter
good winter

i know now why i'm up this early
i'm starting to forget the names of your family members
what were they?
i see four faces along with yours
but letters begin to fade
i can't tell if this is a step forward or back

two octobers ago seems like two months ago
a broken nose to match my heart
running through a sea of people trying to find you
you must've been hiding

do you ever think of me?
i can still hear your voice ringing through my head like church bells
the taste of you still sits on my tongue and refuses to wash away
i don't like it anymore

my hurt turned to anger
my anger to sadness
my sadness to guilt
my guilt to acceptance
and now i suppose
acceptance to disappearance

you still exist in my early morning thoughts before I've left my bed
in the middle of the night when i wake up saying your name, which i have over and over and found myself panicked screaming a year after you left

how has two years flown by and you still weigh something?

the reason why i'm up
couldn't tell you
maybe it was the endless hours of you clomping around my brain
during the hours i need rest from your tyrannical hold on my heart
god
i can't help wondering where you are
and who is keeping you warm this season
do your fingers catch on fire when you touch them?
the way they would with me, or at least that was what you told me
another lie to add to that list of nothings i thought were somethings
do you dream about me?
i do hope that at least they give you space
because i sure couldn't
i'm a criminal for loving you
you handcuffed me to the wall because you want me to look but not touch
feel but not expel
i'm letting you win
the pieces are getting too heavy and my arms are getting tired

**** water and hot tea
i love when you wake up with me
our eyes roll back to earth
we melt
i can't remember the last time i cared so much
i felt
true emotions that make me high
i wanna hit the L and hold you like a baby
one of these days you'll tell me you love me
maybe

i didn't sleep last night
my eyes are beginning to cross and then re-focus
you are running my mind like a treadmill
a marathon
tongues sticking out
ears buzz
it's very early
we might be the only people alive right now

kiss and tell
i can see her looking back
at you
you really don't care
funk
hiding from the uppers
sharing our high
i don't want you anymore
but the nostalgia
sometimes
feels like
we were good people
once

don't give me a reason
don't pretend you weren't around
you can't expect me to love you
when you don't give a blatant ****

I truly
CANNOT
WAIT
to not love you anymore

It's self-explanatory

my spine curls
third party
two bodies
one body
oh
X

gnawing hunger
i can hear you breathe
through the walls

Jesus Christ
I'm in the same spot I was a year ago
Mentally
Not by means of location
In terms of proximity, last year I was closer to you
We've both moved farther apart
Ironic
God
I still remember the footpath I took when entering your house
the one with all the boys and the one with your beautiful family
Your mother is a goddess, and your father is the sweetest thing
Your brother is a little jokester, and your sister is an angel
I was not worthy
Speaking your name these days
It frightens me
Sometimes I don't even believe that we were ever 'us'
I've been in pain over the loss of you longer than we were together
I thought I laid you down and let you go
but you've stuck to me like a leech
the weight of your corpse is making my shoulders slump
stealing my joy like stolen scotch
just ******* out everything
You had no idea and it's not your fault
I should not have hurt someone as precious as you
glorious man
let the record play a little longer
I'm doing everything in my power not to write your name
that order of letters together makes me feel so powerless
It horrifies my soul and makes my heart ache like a purple bruise
Imagine what life would be like if we still talked
Would it be better? Would it worse? It would probably be the same
But at least I'd have your hand on my legs
Train wanderers
I never thought you would be the one to hop off first
I'm so ******* sorry.

"Seen 9:15 am"
no response

I lost my soul.
Somewhere between Atlantic City and Wildwood, NJ.
The salt still lingers in my hair, eyelashes, and tears.
The moons changing cycle as we eat candy on the beach and chase our childhood memories away
Creating tiny drawers to stash away keepsakes and overdue dreams
You pet me like a long lost lover with a fragile hand
Brushing out my knots and curls before we continue to share our sparkle

no amount of whiskey or **** can numb my undying desire for you
i still remember the texture of your skin against mine
where did you go?
i don't really want to know
to be honest
if i saw you again i'd probably freeze and die
like a sapling in winter
please
just
can we erase all the animosity?
i miss watching tv with you and ******* until we couldn't move
your mom's name has slipped my memory and it destroys me
the bark of your dog and the way she'd snuggle me haunts me
emily was your sister and we had nothing in common
yet we still were close because she knew how much you loved me
i'm so sorry for ruining everything
i would do anything
anything
to have you back in my life
your endless understanding of my battered soul
and the way you'd look at me before i would leave for the night
god
come back
you've become a ghost
and it's killing me.

paths are crossed while others are being blocked with road signs
neon lights on parkways blinding eyes
how easily people come and go these days
like sickness
patterns and get learned and forgotten
daily routines lost while olds ones are picked up like broken dishes
gestures and words are re-gifted to the next birthday boy
small fractions of memories stick like band-aids
originality was lost three years ago
love has become re-runs in syndication
eventually the VHS of romance will deteriorate to fuzz and static
running fast from the sopranos to baywatch
not knowing where taste escaped
lips on lips
chewing and spitting
double whiskeys all night and still feeling sober as the world around you falls into a drunken stupor
like silk falling off a soft shoulder
thoughts still present
paranoia growing
cigarettes are starting to be manifestations of thoughts
this one's for my broken heart
this one's because i'm drunk
this one's because it's hot out and i'm bored
when worse comes to worse
sleep is always there
until then
no harness
let's fall
who cares if there's anything to catch us

how do i always manage to end up with my gloves up?

imagine this:
unbroken eye contact leads to an exchange of numbers that are now part of the modern identity
you think i can't tell how fearful and intrigued you are of my sharp tongue
intrigue leads to lust
rolling around flannel sheets at 2 am after hours of ****** bliss
then we sleep for hours and hours
swimming through each other's dreams like mermaids in the sea
repeat
repeat
your laugh begins to annoy me
repeat
my unwavering adoration is beginning to make you feel trapped
repeat
egos bruised and words that can't be taken back are thrown against the wall
repeat
i've been pushed over the edge
repeat
sleep alone
repeat
want you back
repeat





it's over.



start from the top again.

I keep my thoughts enclosed in my mahogany box brain and heart

I don't want to be alone but I can't be myself
My drink and a song are the only ones I can depend on

Late nights
Solo
You're sleeping
Probably snoring

I'm doing my best
Two weeks flown by
Cemeteries centered
Mind muffled and modified

Have I returned or missed my stop?

i only know you from photographs now
i torture myself by still following your life
after tonight
i will not
there are so many new songs
so many new jokes
so many new places i've danced around
without you.
i am starting to love me more.
and i was told that you're jealous.
be jealous.
you pushed me away.
and i'm pushing up.
and that includes my *******.
you have no right to be mad.
so I hope you're happy.
**** my beautiful, magical *****.
you poor thing.

amsterdam. tension. relief. release. accent. bowl. swig. bowl. bowl. reverend. mole. alley. fifth beer. bowl. sixth beer. blur. catching up. *** standing up. normalcy. hiding. secrets. bowl. friends. family. couch. spinning. smiling. exit. diner. bathroom floor. steam. bowl. her legs. beautiful. her teeth. beautiful. it hurts. keep going. sleep. sweat. 8 am. warm wind. splitting headache. packing. bowl. relief. amsterdam.

blood on the keys
flashing turquoise lights that run rampant across the faceless bodies
bed shifter

****.
1. I don't like sleeping because you're always in my dreams
2. Every time I walk down South Street, I hope I see you
3. I've been heart broken over you longer than the time we actually dated
4. I feel stupid for still loving you.

father
my light in the darkness
sweet courage and humble strength
prayer
generosity always makes your roots smile like the sun in March
carnations and archived success
padre, papa
you make other men look like ants
how did I get so lucky?

it's funny
it's so new
it's electric
HA
crooked teeth
chest hair
your own barber
astrology
****
bones
lips
tongues
OH
sleep
draped
over
me

Where did you go?
I see the sun set.
I can actually see it go down.
The world gets darker.

So many bottles of champagne surround me.
I celebrate nothing.
I lose entire days.
But men that look apocalyptic fill me up
Until I put my ***** clothes back on
And trample back to my den.
Worn, apologetic, and wishing it would all pass.

Glittered nails and crooked teeth.
I think back on my past relationship and laugh.
Who was I?
Who was he?
I can't even remember anymore.
And that's a good thing.

I just want on vacation.
A long week in Florida.
Sun.
Oranges.
Kitsch.

I've said it about every ex
I'll say it again.

We're going to be okay.
It may take time.
But one day we will talk.
We will laugh.
And we will smile.
I wish you all the best.
And I know
Deep down
You do too.

she creates moments in her head
a rush of panic
heart pounds so hard
oxygen faults
where is it?
um
um
oh
wait
****
fists clench and quads ache
i do this to myself
to stay alive?
no
I don't know

I am my own worst enemy that is hell-bent on keeping me alone

soft lips wide hips small **** big heart short hair long love and patience

explore your nostalgia

only stretching and cooing once 11 am has rolled through like the rolling in bed we did the night before when the moonlight was stabbing through the blinds and reflected on my pear-white skin

your eyelashes make me smile when i think about them

walking alone in the middle of the day when i get restless and i need to just go

escape the lonely, overly warm air in the four walls i inhabit

why do I sweat and shake so much?
As I bite into apple skin

a familiar voice glossed with golden tone
completed with dollar store sparkles

we spent weeks building wooden block pieces in the image of our love

or i thought

i was that L-word that I can barely articulate anymore without laughing because it's all just a beautiful, stupid joke

we spin webs

naked in your resting place as I curl around like an ******* tentacle

you kiss me there
my legs embrace your shoulders
and that's when our eyes meet
a night of squirming finally consummated
by one morning of quick glance of brown and blue

"oh god" rolls off your trained vocal chords as you roll like a wave on the shore.'

we've lost ourselves in these moments of pure passion.
I want all of you all the time
Sweating,
Dizzy.
Completely disoriented.

Can we just spin together until we fall?

You bit my lip
So ******* hard
That it hurts
To drink alcohol
Thank you.

you recognize what an absolute abomination you are to the word 'love'
in your deceptively warm gaze, you explain to me your "paradigm"
a selfish jumble of words of which you don't know the definition
just so you can appear to be greater
than just a confused and self-obsessed little boy.
how could i not see through you the way you saw through me
winking at everyone behind me
holding my hand but casting spells to bring you more and more 'love'
you burn everything to create room for more
you are a bottomless urn in a bottomless pit of self-indulgence
lying makes your heart and lips shrink, and baby, they're almost gone.
you sanctioned yourself as a god, but you're just a person
a person who can't look in the mirror and say 'I lied to you."
and you know what?
you're a disgusting ******* liar.
you are no Messiah. you are no saint. you are no prince of the sun.
you're not Jesus Christ. And you never will be.

+
1. biting pens the way I used to bite your lip
2. that shot of alcohol you don't need just to forget yourself
3. not sleeping because you always reside in my dreams
4. eating too much to not feel empty
5. not eating because i'm too full of regret

390 days of self talk isn't ****
when you have no self control
the way your hip bones stuck out still haunts me
i'm sorry things weren't perfect
the way they should've been
easter sunday was religious thanks to your
your hand on my waist for hours
"Adults can grow apart too."
We were barely adults.
infiltrating my dreams is not welcome
i wish you'd fully disappear instead of just physically
we'll be fine one day
but now we just have to live on
i hope you're happy

you make me sparkle
like the sea in the middle of summer
twinkling eyes and beaming pear white skin
my tongue tickles as i run her across your unshaven face
knobby knees knocking
toes touching
eyelashes slowly dancing up
down
up down
up up up
barely floating
barely breathing
barely being able to look at each other
you are a vacation from the ordinary

a cacophony of church bells, loud expletives, and loud construction

i often fantasize about the things i wish i could've done differently
looking back
it was only a handful of moments that really
just
well
anyway
i purposefully watch recorded memoirs of us making love
eyes locked like a heavily armed diamond safe
we couldn't break the code of our iris' and souls merging
i purposefully read notes and messages that were written in total bliss
somethings i scoffed off as nothings that ended up being the most something somethings that were ever somethings and they were special
never asking myself why
why did you walk away with fists when they should've been full of flowers
why did you terrorize the medicine man
why did you find solace in an eggless bird when you had the comfort of a lion leading a pride of loyal and loving knights and healers
the more i remind myself how much
much
i can't even put to words the agony i caused to your open heart
****
it makes me so much less bitter and hateful towards you
because your only crime against me was loving my touch and eyes
when I didn't deserve it.
but at least i can set you free
and hope you get the love that i should've blessed you with
the way you blessed me
only now it's starting to feel like a curse
because i'm starting to feel
like i can't feel
that feeling
that love feels like
what does it feel like?
it's been too long and my heart is beginning to turn to black ice

on our backs
barely touching anywhere except finger tips
smiling behind my eyes
my hair gets darker to match the grey sky
the branches and pinecones above us are black roses in full bloom
I thought they were getting closer to us
You said we were getting closer to them
And to each other
getting lost with you
I have no desire to be found anytime soon

Waiting for a train to come
a quick fragrance hits me
and immediately I am reminded of you
The path I'm taking
Seeking comfort
subway lines
Match
Like socks
The train is here
Off I go

wrapped around each other closer than sheets to a bed
fuzz. eyelashes. teeth. soft skin.
you completely disarm me.
i will give you all my guns
just grab my limbs.
envelop me.
the way your legs get tangled in my anatomy like a sapling
that's eager to grow larger.
pelvic bones crashing together so perfectly clumsy.
you are my ocean. my beach. my sun, sky, and stars.

My fingers feel like the fireflies I never saw this summer
The fog in my brain is stronger than Gotham City’s

But a comic book reference is so lame.

I can feel you already wanting to loosely pull my hair as you whisper cheat codes into my hair.

I will always wake up and arrive.

I understand "mad"
Obstinate amongst navel oranges
Coasting with the  waves

i am constantly trying to throw away costumes of myself when people float away
when they vanish
on the 9th when you are the seventh
satin blue
with the bow
it's just brick and sawdust now.

endless kisses, and vinyl, and tea
how i wish you still loved my anatomy

I'd rather be alone
for the rest of eternity
than spend one more minute
waiting for you
to call me back.

There’s a void inside my chest
It’s vast and deep and penetrating
My shoulders sink
Gentle embraces and long kisses
fill it up
But in the end
The creator was you

you are my oak tree, the rock at the base of the oak tree and the river the flows beneath it
your generous shade keeps me cool when the sun berates me
you are thirsty but you ask for no water
instead you offer me hydration
you grow tall, but i see you beginning to wilt due to my negligence
let me help you stay alive, you have to tell me

My father taught me a hundred yoga poses
He told me to stretch myself into the trees until my arms become branches

bones flowing in golden space
strands of hair separating
limbs cascading forward
fingers grazing heaven
toes beneath the earth