I can choose how heavily this weighs upon me

I can pick the weight pressing more and more upon my shoulders
Or I can pick feathers to carry

I can choose turmoil, churning me up from the inside
Or I can choose to walk in grace

I can pick minutes so long they never seem to end
Or I can pick days that slip through my fingers

I can choose a mind filled with a thousand games
Or I can choose saved brains

I can pick a heart heavy with all my cares
Or I can pick the promises of God.

I choose peace.

The night I had her was the night I lost her
Our first night, was our last night
It was I who ended it the first time
I did the unthinkable
I chose my happiness over hers
I chose dreams
But now I was looking for a second chance
Oh, but she had other plans,
This wasn't a new beginning, but a final end
For the record, she was one of the best
And I pushed her away
And second chances don't always work
Especially one sided ones
But I'm an optimistic when it comes to unrealistic hopes
To me, her yes meant more than just a date
To me, it meant she saw me as more than a once upon a time
And for once, I was ready to make the jump again

Dinner was cordial, but the messages were clear
We were both hungry, and not for the food
I took the check and we hit the road
But where to go?
Destiny, it seems wanted us to dance
My phone began to tickle my pants
A friend close by
"Drinks and games tonight?"
I looked in her eyes, they lit up with delight
"Let's have a few, and have some fun"
I hit the gas like an action movie
We flew through the polite introductions
And the beer began to flow
By round three I couldn't keep my hands off her
And she seemed not to mind
By midnight we were covered in smiles
Dancing and touching beneath the spotlight of the old suburban garage
She breathed her breath into mine
Pulled me close and whispered
"Let's get out of here,"
The goodbyes were quick as we ran for the door,
Plowed through the snow and dove into the car
As the Chevy warmed up, so too did we
Our hands and lips protected each other from the cold
I readied the car to leave, but she stopped me cold
and cooked me in her arms
"Take your pants off, NOW"

You're a dream
That crawled into my bed
And never came true

You're a laugh
          About to burst into tears

What you are
          Is vague
                And beautiful

i thought that growing up
i would look back on all that i've seen
and see you standing right next to me-
yet
to my dismay
i am again standing in the gap-
trapped
inside.

i thought that growing up
we'd be closer than before
closer than closed doors-
yet i slam
that door shut
every day-
and i beg you
to go
away.

who am i today
who am i today
who is i  going to be
and where will that lead i?
will i be another symphony
is i just another expressed belief?
what does i believe-

oh i
what do you see and why
do you see oh i
the way you do
and why
do i oh i
still follow
you-

if i isnt me
than is me just another empty space
that i left behind
in the aftermath of
finding out who i is?
-me is just an empty lot
waiting for i to reattach to the host
-empty walls now make me i's empty ghost.

i isn't who i should be
not me
not me
not me's position to be choosing personality-
than who is the rhymer and the writer!
the pen and ink!
who are the author and who are the book!
who are they!
who are the shadows that haunt my mind!
who are the shadows of glory divine-

who are the devine
and they still make me question why
but i'm still learning tonight
and maybe tomorrow will be my last fight
with that angel underneath heaven's ladder
and i will finally get the rest i need
for it's tiring
fighting with angels
knowing that you can't win
but knowing they won't let you lose-
for i truly want to lose for once
and figure out that death isn't worth it-
and figure out that i had a greater purpose.

She said,
I want to die
Just let me die.
And I felt her words
Throughout the entirety of my soul
Because I knew
I knew.

We sat there stroking her back
He and I.
As she kept saying
I want to die
I looked up at him
And I saw it in his eyes
And he saw it in mine
Because he knew.
He knew.

Three broken people
Sitting at a party together.
Her sober thoughts coming out
As drunk words.
I heard it in her voice,
He saw it in my eyes,
I saw it in his eyes,
And for one second,
None of us were alone
Together we shared the pain.
Because we knew.
We knew.