why can't anyone
just anyone
be proud of me for once in my ******* life?

the blood
it starts to trickle
but i don't care
not anymore
in fact
i ache for it
i ache for the pain
i ache for that little bit of feeling
it is no longer self harm

in order for me
to get better it seems
that being broken
is the only way to learn
how to heal

how can i explain
my problems
to you
if even i
do not even know
what they are?

As much as I hate
this pain inside
I'm like a drug addict:
Even if I try to stop
I always fall back
Relapse
come back for more
for that feeling

my heart
it pounds
so vigorously
suddenly
i cant breathe
everything starts to shift
panic takes over
i'm suddenly overwhelmed
trapped
i feel myself breaking faster than my body can handle
i cry for help
but all i can do
is stare blankly
and not say a thing

j
u
s
t


t
i
r
e
d

You look in the mirror;
You try
and try
and try
to get yourself to like what you see
but your damaged mind
only lets you see the worst of it all
Too fat
Too ugly
Disgusting
Too depressed
Not good enough
Not good enough
Not good enough!
It screams and shouts
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
MAKE IT STOP!!!!

anxiety
what a concept to grasp
it eats you alive
like a cancerous cell
trying to wear away at your bravery

it consumes you
suffocates you until you no longer are able
to gasp for air

the sweet taste lingers
I can still feel you on the tips of my fingers

I can't get you out of my mind
you're all I seem to find

even after all this time
I still find myself coming back to you
like a heinous crime

but I never reach your field of view
even if I wanted too
you would never see me
for I just can't find the words
so I end up blue
while thinking of you

my heart
is so shattered
so broken
that when it tries to break once more
there is nothing left
to be broken

The long nights
where i lay awake
wondering why
i feel so heavy
why does it feel as if i am dragging myself
dragging an empty
broken
worn and torn
vessel?

adolescence

it is the time
where we try
to find ourselves
a time
where we break the rules
or maybe just bend em'
a time where love is found
a time where hearts are broken
a time of freedom
and no one can stop us

Dazed minds
Tear stained cheeks

The result
of a broken heart
a broken mind

The ones you love
It's never enough for them

I just can't win, can I?

you know something is wrong
when holidays
just turn
into regular
boring
old ******* days

when did numb
become normal?

when did nothing
become something?

why does this weight
become lighter,
but crush me
break me
suffocate me
at the same time?

the marks on my skin
scars, you say?

no

these are not scars
not battle scars to me

for me, they tell me a story,
one that gets told time and time again
because each time the story slips
it must be rewritten
retold
reborn

In some states of mind, these could be battle scars
but that is another's perception

every mark to the skin
every broken piece
every cell split open

Thin lines
Paint my skin

Those memories kick in

The cold swipe
like ice across my skin

The warm crimson flows
the sight
only numbs me

The feeling I yearn for
is no longer found through the open wounds

it seems impossible to find

our minds
are worn away
broken down
by the era of technology
feelings destroyed
thoughts disappearing
minds dwindling
the originality we once had
has washed away

I can't wait
until looking in the mirror makes me smile
instead of cower away in shame
that my face
this vessel that carries me
gives me warmth
yet I hurt her so much
but she keeps me going
it's not fair that I treat her this way
but I can't bring myself to love her
and cherish her like I should

They said it would heal with time
but does time really heal?
or are they just trying to put a limit on how much I can wallow?

You never know
the true meaning of grief
until you witness
someone you love
disappear.

The light of your life
suddenly is gone
and shifts your world to dark
and you're stuck
because you were never prepared for the dark
but life is like that
and sadly you had to be the light that disappeared
        -to granny; I love and miss you dearly, and I hope you are not in any more pain, wherever you are.

tears stained red
god, I wish I was dead

I long to tear myself apart
to no longer be a being

I wish to disappear
into the void
for my body to become an empty vessel
for my soul to be freed

I wish for the thoughts to stop

I wish I could stop hurting myself
slicing my skin open for some sort of feeling

I wish it would stop.

That feeling
Before the first sob escapes:

Body shakes
trembles
the lump in the throat
the suffocation
the complete
and utter despair
face scrunches
eyes ******* shut
the muffled noise
like everything around you disappears
And all you are left with is the sadness and bitter thought that you have no one
and you seem to never
l
e
   t
it
g
  o

Why is it
that you cross my mind
even when I thought I had
gotten over you

those old feelings
seem to resurface
even when I tried to suppress them
Something about you
reels them back in
leaving me broken inside
because I know
I could never have you

staring off at the blank walls that surround me

I don't think I'll ever recover
from the nights I spent sobbing
staining the pillow with the makeup thats been left on my face for days
I don't even care anymore
the pent up rage
the anger
the disparity
I want it to leave

leave behind the empty vessel that once held a pure soul