in the silence
our thoughts are the loudest
they're the creaks of the floorboards
letting us know
we are not alone
whether the voices are good or bad
the silence really will never invade our minds

what they don't see:
your hand entwined with mine,
how alive I am by your side

what they don't hear:
your deep voice, telling me
how strong I really am

what they don't realize:
they've been dreaming
of me, alone and lonely

but I'm the opposite
I've got you,
my secret warrior,
supplying me endorphins
loving me- better than they ever can

we're the victors
of this broken land,
secret warrior and I

I feel so confident
behind these facades
but in front of you
I'm just a puddle under your feet

I have a problem
I can't concentrate
or smile your way

my self esteem is terribly low
and the time is escaping me
I'm losing all control

but

even so, you try to gather me up
strong embrace
and I'm shaking
begging
I need space

in the pitch black
I'm back to cursing my name
I'm
just
a
disgrace..
hopeless..
worthless..
weak..
timid soul

most of the time
I'm not aware
where you are
or how you feel
and this should be a good thing

I know you told me to leave
and I know when I put up a fight
gripped you tight
you got mad

so I am in the right
I need to leave you be
I also need to be strong
importantly I need to move on

yet the darkness I succumb to late at night
is like a calendar
reminding me
its been so many hours, days, weeks, and months
since I last touched your face

and oh
I crave your touch
your husky voice
in my ear
saying
'i've got you'

now I have to find another
to catch me
whisper 'you're safe'

She asked me if I had a tattoo
I told her
Yes, my tattoo marks upon my chest
stretched long and wide it resembles all my pride
what pride she asked
I said
my lungs are breathing
my blood is pumping
what more could I ask for
I did not include
that my tattoo long and wide has stitches all around
Every night
it burns my flesh
its spews the shakes' like a mini earthquake
By morning
I pick up the rubble
and curse the day I added this sentimental devil

The ink is so fresh
and the pain was worth it,
now your initials rest upon my skin.
Whenever I want,
I can trace the black rose
and I feel a love- I imagine you had for me.

You may be gone
But, you're imprinted on me
 forever

if she's a good girl
they won't leave
they will like her
and
if she keeps her distance
they won't see the cracks
she's just a good girl
even if shes dressed in all black

They throw around the word "anxiety"
They say the upcoming test will give them anxiety
That's only nerves
A synonym

They don't feel
Burning hands
Terror throughout
Drifting eyes
World falling apart

If they felt
The way I do
Would they laugh and stare
The way they do

At the edge
I was too close
now when I see the endless fall
I close my eyes
and strain to breathe

On the packed street
I was all alone
now when people surround me
I shake
and strain to breathe

In the car , sitting behind the wheel
the world started to spin- I had to switch seats
now when I try to drive
the tears drip
and I strain to breathe

Locked in my room
I wonder
why I try to breathe at all
when thoughts- dark and deep
persuade me

*I'm worth nothing at all

My shoulders are tense
hands nervous
silence is air- constant and needed

right now
silence is smog
seizing my lungs
demanding on my eyes

my mind, frantic
tells my eyes not to surrender
amongst this deafing silence
people are all around

I must
relax and breathe
wait,
for sound is invetiable - abrubt but equilibrium
it is true- life is about
the smiles and the frowns

my hand is shaking
and its a struggle to write what I need to say
my eyes are begging, make it stop
and the tears falling
are the examples of why
I need these tremors to go away

I'm watching this way and that
sounds and voices pass
its a struggle not to scream
the cool touch of the wall
is nor a comfort or a pain
I need something
make me feel whole again

they're talking about me this time
its a struggle to focus on one thing
sitting up
I'm wishing I was down again
the floor and the walls passing by
all are just a reminder
I messed up again


when am I gonna find the glue,
disappear,
or make it through?

My words are raw
conversation is bleak
they watch me like a paper doll
always expecting me to break
they don't realize
beady eyes
thick air
gentle hands
suffocate me
I need S P A C E
(when they realize)
It may be just to late

he grabs my hips- and I'm by his side
he traces my skin- and I'm shrinking inside
he tugs my hair- and I'm convinced this is love
he bites my neck- and I'm high above

purple & dark blue
when I close my eyes,
ache and regret
when I tell them the lies

why did I let him
convince me
he was worth my time

why did I let him
touch me
cold hands marking every inch of me

why did I let him
see me
his crystal blues watching my every move

tell me a story
one where we're so in love
& make sure the ending is a happy one

because I'm exhausted of turning tear stained pages with shaky fingers
always hoping
this one will be different

Childhood is the sun shining bright
so bright that the rays' captures everything around you
Childhood is friends distancing from one another
so apart that hand to hand is now hand to air
Childhood is being the shortest
so short that people hover above you so tall like the NYC towers
Childhood is an elevator going up and down
so high all you can do is smile, and so low that you wonder how your smile ever turned into a frown
Childhood is a sponge
so absorbent that all the tears and laughter mixed into one
But mostly childhood is a story
so alluring with the beginning, exquisite with the middle, and outstanding by the end

I can not stand up and cheer
it's your victory
but I can not show I care
in fact, I can not show my face

because

under the stars
twisting the grass through our fingers, our hands met
when we heard the crickets singing to their friends, our eyes met
and that night, my heart met yours

and since that time
the green grass
and the calls of the crickets
remind me

your heart pushed mine aside
when you called me only a 'friend'

so I can not stand tall
show my face, let you see me blush
I can only support you from afar
I'm only a friend

The days are endless
and the pain is permenant
The nights are watching the fan dance on the ceiling
and the tears are flowing

It all started when they poured the anger and the sadness
into my heart
I couldn't tell them to stop, I couldn't do a thing

& it turns out, it was actually cement

And thats when you came along
right there, at the perfect moment,
to walk all over me,
and now my heart bleeds your footprints

& thats the thing about cement
once it hardens
it takes years and constant strength to
crack,
if your lucky.


They tell me
I should be okay
That what they did
shouldn't hurt me in the slightest

Then they tell me my thoughts
are wrongful,
that I should just move on
but I can't grasp what they mean
all I want is someone to drill my
cemented heart to smithereens
then, maybe, I'll be able to sleep again

& maybe I'll be able to feel
that heartbeat
the one they say, makes you a free spirit

For now the endless days carry on
and I'm stuck with a cemented heart
that just won't break.

Where are you Madeleine?
Fiery red eyes
Giant torso wrapped in gauze
Horns jade green
We sit upon the shoulders
Why are you gone Madeleine?
Eyes leak no tears
Torso grumbles, blocked by the heavy material
Horns camouflage all we have
We count the minutes that pass by
Will I ever see you again my sister Madeleine?

Happiness
seems like a foreign land
I'm walking there
I'm trying- I am

the paths getting harder to see
I keep my head down
eyes focused
this haze
it's too strong for me

my throats tightening up
I know
what it means

I laugh just once more
because
somehow
I've found the end
when I was just looking for the beginning

You tell me no
You scold me,
scream at me,
give me all the pain you've got.
But,
I told you I could endure it all,
and now I need to test my strength.
Mark my words
your pain is
all mine, equally so.

We are a pair
don't you remember
interlocked chains of silver and gold
you told me
we held each other together

now you're frayed
and losing time
I need to remind you
I'll succumb without you

so let me be our strength
guide us towards the sun
trust me
together- we've already won.

Our hands interlock,
yet,
we couldn't be any farther away.

she can't hear a sound
forest green
creatures all around
some run, some climb, some sleep
they come and they go

she huddles against a cave
darkness closing in
she remembers what it used to be

camp forest fire
roasting marshmallows
circle of friends,lovers

they left her- stranded
she was too nice
they were able to walk on top of her
she was too indecisive
they asked for her money and they ran
she was too kind
they took her advice and they made it back

now she sits
all alone
night seeps in
she knows she doesn't have too long
*till she's all gone

I'm the four year old girl
who pointed to the funeral home and said, "that's where my dad lives"

I'm the five year old girl who stopped speaking all together
who rather have them figure her out than let them know, her world is cracked

I'm the ten year old girl
whose seen every kind of doctor, yet still not okay

I'm the sixteen year old girl
who has made progress, her world is coming together, but somewhere along the way she lost the most important piece


I'm the girl who wants to sleep, fall into the total darkness

but I'm the girl who won't give up
and somewhere out there
is the boy who will be happy I used my stubborn ways

*someday

She
Enters
Palms kiss door
Feet whisper small steps to the floor
Breath rushes
Shoulders tense
Eyes water
∞
Eyes clench
Posture stiffens
Breath softens
Feet spin
Palms push open door
He
Exits

White resembles you
Because when I close my eyes, you are not there
White resembles you
Because when I gather the roses, you are not in my hands
White resembles you
Because when I enter the hospital, you are all I can see, all I can hear, all I can feel, all I can remember

In the beginning
on the dew covered grass
with the stars laughing in the sky
her arms found mine
everything was unintentional, as if it was the greatest surprise
us, her, I

In the middle
on the silky sand dunes
with the sun dancing in the sky
the space between her and I, expanded
everything was fast, as if on a planned schedule
us, her, I

At the end
on the flannel sheets
with the fan spinning on the ceiling
the air we breathed, touched, was separated by a glass window
everything was moping, as if heavily medicated

and this time
it was just her
no more us
no more "I"

you send me these words
and I hold onto them like rafters
carrying me to land

the cold tides
still
nip at my skin
and the strength you place on me
eventually always diminishes

because the lifeline you throw me
never tells me the direction
doesn't reassure me
I have the strength in myself


my eyes burn
from the unforgiving salt
my arms ache
from the rough waves hugging me close

I can't last forever- out here
with just words.
I need touch
I need direction

help lead me back to land

I learned how to frown- in silence
I learned what seeing your mother cry meant- in silence
I learned how to grow up- in silence
I learned to expect nothing but a mother- in silence
I learned speech therapy, I learned art therapy, I learned bribery- all in silence

Now sirens, cheering, yelling
Now bright yellows, tangy oranges, deep reds
All demanding

I’m a fish washed ashore
Hot sand- burning my fins
Bright sun blinding

I never thought they’d expect me to smile
I never thought happiness could affect me
I never thought laughter was real
I never expected to care about a male

And I never assumed, his love for me
Could give me a calm, peaceful silence
So different from everything I believed

I'm scared
And the only way to escape anxiety
is to get rid of the fear.
But I can't,
I'm lacking confidence-
I'm all thoughts but no action.

My father left me
he's gone
I don't know what kind of person he was
I don't know how he would've talked to me
I don't know what his touch would've felt like
I don't know what he would've said to my friends

But I know his absence is the reason
this anxiety lives inside of me

anxiety is not a disease
it is not a condition
it is a feeling

a feeling that can be replaced*

I just wish I overcame it
before it found a comfy
place to call its home

Now I struggle
and old memories
taunt me from afar

Life is moving on
and **** I'm *always scared

I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

i thought i knew
for the depths of solitude i traveled
sharpened my eyes
trapped my heart
tainted my very spirit
but now I see you
crimson red
fiery hot touch
there may as well be horns sprouting from your head
oh
your the animosity I wish I never had

after 14 years
I've never given you up
I need to
move on
I must

if they knew
they'd taunt
say 'what is wrong with you'

I cant
I've tried

hes stuck in my head
the pain- never ending
the questions- building
I'm never going to escape

so ask me who I am
maybe I should tell you, finally

whether he and I knew one other for a full life  or a day
we always will be inseparable

I am my father's daughter

When she was three years old,
they took a hot metal lettering
and placed it against her skin.

She was branded,
labeled for everyone to see.

She whimpered for hours
through the tears and agony,
the word slowly sank in.

Now a man
wants her to trust him.
She hides the word
but she knows he can see.

Its all she's every been,
all she's ever felt,
all she's ever known.

She traces the word,
feels the pain,
as if the steaming metal
was being placed on her flesh
over and over again.

He takes her hand
leads her through the dark.

But in the light
how can she trust him?

She's always going
to be lacking,
always going to be branded
'fatherless'.

I miss sitting beside one another
I'd be studying notes that  took me hours to prepare
and then you'd casually
avert your eyes to my work- wanting to know what exactly I'm studying
You didn't care about the friends behind you
It was me, and it was you

it doesn't matter now

I used to wonder what you thought of
the full page of definitions on the circulatory system
I used to wonder what you thought of me

it doesn't matter now

I wanted you to be intrigued
I wanted you to say something

But, I didn't- I couldn't talk to you
So if I couldn't talk to you, maybe you really didn't
want to talk to me

it doesn't matter now

I wish I had the confidence like some girls do
Maybe something between us
would've happened

but now it's in the past- it doesn't matter now

All I have left are the notes
and the memory

And,
I have to keep refreshing the memory
because I don't want to lose that to
I can't bear to let that (not) matter

Don't tell me you understand
because you don't

at the age of three
you didn't lose your father

spend
countless therapy sessions
with brave smiles
and shaky trust

yes, I'm here now, barely
and you're trying to tell me
everything is going to be okay

but you're wrong

I'm searching for the type of love
only a father gives
and I can't bring myself to stop

I have this stupid belief that
he's out there
and this has all been a joke

but  truly I've gotten it all backwards
I'm the joke
and if you knew how I really felt- surely you'd send me away

This September
don't wait for my voice
don't watch for my smile
don't anticipate my touch

I'm silent once again

I know you don't understand
but
I don't even have the answers myself

silence is a huge part of me
a shadow, ready to take over

I know you get frustrated
but
save your anger

my silence doesn't need to affect you

... I'm sorry if it does

I don't need to mean anything, especially not to someone special like you.

she settles in sadness
she breathes in fear

his words are the windows
daring her to find someone near
yet, his hands are the doors
that isolate her from everyone

she lived in sadness
she breathed through fear

in the end
her tears were the structure,
too strong,
for her to disappear

From this point on
we won't speak again
our eyes dancing across one another-
a distant memory

we won't race
our legs grazing one another-
a feeling so far away

from this point on
I am numb

mornings I will spend
tracing the wall
catching each crack beneath my fingertips,
pondering
how the sunbeams seem to flow over each one

and if a tear falls down my cheek
I'll blame it on the dust
because I'm alone
and I'm perfectly *fine

I worry that every little thing I do,
disappoints you,

& I worry that the things I say,
embarrasses you.

I worry that the feelings I push away,
frustrates you.


& I realize.. i always worry,
and it always leads back to you.

But I don't ever worry for you
because I know you're not coming back,
I know you're okay.

i destroy myself
before you get the chance
because the pain i give myself
could never hurt
as much
as your gentle touches
smile wide

you see me at my time of weak
your warm eyes question mine
i feel the pain
pounding my outer wall
till its all gone

i wish you didn't make me feel this
way
every time your presence greets mine

if  only you understood
how inferior i really am

i try to be what you want
no more wasting time
oh i have to study, study, study
but i sit
and all that happens
are the screws in my head grate together
eventually slipping from there locked position
they fall
as do my restraints
all i do is think
honey bees and summer smiles
my bed wrapped in my comforter
only if that was all my life granted me

instead I'm stuck wasting time
writing poetry
instead of writing essays
which will decide where I deserve to be

I'm trying to control the screams
but I'm covering my eyes
I'm trying to keep the tears at bay
but I'm scratching my cheeks
I'm trying to hear you're whispers
but I'm reaching the wrong way

I can't function

you're so close
but I'm so far away

Stuck inside a dark room
I'm dying for a breath of air
I'm not letting myself out

I want everyone to know my secrets
yet I can't open my mouth

when they look inside my eyes i want them to feel my pain
yet I avert my gaze to the ground

I want to stand up to all my demons
yet I don't have the strength to get out of this haze