I wanna feel normal
content
what I'm supposed to feel - beside you

beside you
shaking
I don't want to feel your rough hands
attacking mine

but, beside you
I do,
and the minutes between your goodbye & your hello
I'm wondering
where I went wrong

and months later
if I'm sitting alone
safe, I'll still feel your strength
terrorizing mine
because you've become
the voice inside my head

beside you
I've lost all control

he* asked me to remember
but he didn't realize,
our memories are shattered
pieces of glass,
one ***** of the finger- is all it takes
for the blood to show

because he asked
I wanted to

I'd pick up the shards, feel the pain
if only it meant feeling him again

I'd cry, I'd scream, feel the terror
if only it meant never being lonely again

but, I spent months bandaging up
forgetting his silly face

I can't give in

tonight
I ache to see you sitting next to me
I yearn to hear your voice
I desperately wish you could make me feel alive

the days are adding up
and they don't stop- for me

you've been gone for decades
and each 10th year mark
I feel like a part of me slips away to

tonight
if just for a few minutes
I want you

If you could make me feel something
I could tuck it away
cherish it forever


but forever,
that's a time
I'll never have with you

every moment, you're gone
you're a memory- one that I can't even remember

I wish I could have you

you don't know the real me
.
.
no one does
and no one will
.
.
I'm always going to hide
I'm always going to lie
.
.
don't waste your time

I try to navigate
take the longer path
hope the roads confuse me
hope they create an illusion,
not even the steadiest eyes could endure

I try to memorize what I need to explain
hope a beast surrounds me and takes my breath away
hope it leaves me with no chance to speak again

I try to persuade myself it's all going to be okay
but really
i wish it wasn't me
who had to carry the bags
explain the mess

eventually I run out of roads to take,
fake illusions to make, and their are no more beasts that could possibly harm me

so i tell them the truth

'the pain hurts every single day, and I'm afraid, his memory is never going away'

and if a tear or two falls down my cheeks
I turn my back and accept - i've done my best.

She doesn't like the way they watch her
they hear her voice
and she can't control the conclusions they come up with
she doesn't like the way her hands shake
how her eyes can't focus

she doesn't like  attention on her

because when she was too young
she had too many people watching her every move
and there were
too many voices
too many conclusions
too many hands guiding her into unfamiliar hugs
and worst of all, her eyes couldn't find him,
because he was gone

you're so many miles away
and all I can think about is
how
by this time next year
some other girl will be your muse

I don't want to give up my title
but
our words linger, far away
and our touches
are a distant dream

I don't want to miss you
because then I have to admit
you've made me feel
something I can't even comprehend

but this is the year
we are free
and we both chose different realities
so far away

I'm scared**
when I lie awake
to the creak of the floorboards
rustle of the bushes
the walls that seem to call my name

and even  
right under the bright sun
when every single flaw
and all the pain I feel
shines
all in front of there eyes

and the honest truth is
I don't know how to smother the fear
lock it inside
transform into the strong person
they make me to be

so that's why I cry
and why I be-little who I am
I speak in little phrases
and hide behind my friends

and I wonder
because
shouldn't seventeen years and counting
have
toughened my bones
smoothed the edges
of a life I was supposed to lead?

Eyes are staring
my mind is screaming
all my flaws are on display

but those eyes
their not mocking
their memorizing

they smirk and
they lust to sit beside me,
for their hands to ***** at my flesh

I'm a pretty face
and a decent body

they can't hear the voice inside my mind
or understand the fear
that strangles me

they want action
and if I was alone
I know they would have
taken the lead

because to them- my greatness is

a pretty face
and a decent body

and I can't find someone
who wants my thoughts
before the softness of my skin

I told her to map her problems
because i would travel the world to fix them
It was true
I couldn't stand the pain she was facing

I found her on an Island
the silence was deafening
she was alone an frightened,

I found her in the city
the bright lights blurred everything
She was clutching her chest
she was all alone an frightened,

I found her on the shores
the sea was screaming for help
she was  shaking
she was clutching her chest
she was all alone an frightened,

I bundled her up. I held her tight. I told her to close her eyes.
Everything will be alright

So, I took her home.

Your silence does not taunt me anymore

I've learned to listen
not to your words
nor your actions

I listen to chirping birds
and buzzing bumble bees

you're haughty smile does not suffocate me anymore

I've learned to feel
not  your icy touch
nor your forceful grip

I feel the wind in my hair
and the sun dancing on my skin


I don't need your silence
I don't need your arrogant touch
I've learned to live
my soul and nature all in one

the blackness is demanding
its tearing at my skin
your hand is supposed to be gripping mine
because that's how it goes- how it's meant to be
but you're not here
~
the dark is squeezing, covering my eyes
I can't feel a thing
the air is ricocheting against my throat- it wants out
I've forgotten how to breathe
but, you're not here,
strong arms showing me how it's supposed to go, and gentle touches convincing me it's meant to be
~
darkness is in your place
and every night it returns
reminding me
what we had-
is buried six feet deep with your soul
in a casket, I'll never see
~
and I don't know how it's supposed to go, and I'm not convinced this was meant to be

When I was 8 years old I made my brother mad
He beat me up
Tackled me on the couch
Held me down
I didn’t have the strength to escape him

When I was free I went to my friend’s house
I cried
My friend tried to comfort me
But all I could think
Was how could he lay a hand on me?
I never wanted to go home

Because when I was 8 years old
My brother was 20
He was the oldest guy I loved
The oldest guy I trusted
How could he physically hurt me like that?

vibrant colors
sparkling lights
ground shaking
heart pounding


you appear

why in this chaos

do my eyes focus

locked in my sight
you're all I want

clutch my chest
as if I could do anything
I'm too late
you're here

as if i ever could have done anything
you met me
now everything is history

The summer was late nights
So late the sun was starting to rise
The summer was friends attached to the hip
Hours, days, weeks spent side by side
Her summer was
sleepless nights
permanent frown
hushed tones
and most importantly it was being alone

I'm not angry because you're gone
or because you're alone
and I don't wish, for you

I'm remembering
from that moment we met,
to that last word you spoke

And I'm angry, crying, wishing
because
you took a part of me

There's so many new faces, new places, new memories
but I'm trapped, buried beneath so much emotional baggage
and stupidly
I'm reaching, searching for that part you took
and every day I face sundown- empty handed

I'm solemn because... I don't think I'll ever
find the me, you carelessly tossed aside

I'm crying
because I understand now
I let you go
why
I was afraid together we would go places
I could never go alone
and that scared me

and now I feel horrible
I'm lonely
it's my fault
I had you
but now you have her
oh, what did I do?

I've always been the kind of person who throws
the crochet needle
when I can't get the string through the loop

my grandma used to try to teach me
but when I couldn't do it
the tears started,
then the anger,
then it felt like the end of the world
because yet again, another thing I failed

One day, I want to be the kind of person who tries again
and succeeds

You came into my life
took me up the mountain tops

I swore I'd never go
but you're by my side
and I've forgotten how to say no

You came into my life
took me to a secluded place- and asked me why I'm so shy

I swore if someone like you
asked me-
I'd have plenty to say,
but you're touching me,
and I'm scared to move

You came into my life
took everything I thought I knew

I swore I'd never feel this way
but you're still here
and I can't make sense of anything - furthermore

My voice stopped working
My stomach was in knots
My mind was unsure
Should I breathe or should I die?
The doctors talked to me
They thought there words would change my mind
They had me draw and color
I just wasted there time
You were gone, I never could move on

Her jade irises were so limited
you watched them
memorized  the way they sparkled in the light
you knew back than you would have to catch them
before
they
disappear

but you let them disappear

it never occurred to you
that all
your dry remarks
were simply unjust
in the end you had it all wrong

The poet inside of me,
wants to believe,
he could love me.

For when he whispered in my ear,
I couldn't dare stop the tug of my lips.

But, I had to remind myself
he's just a friend.

I may think, write, explore
yet, love for me
is nothing my pen or paper,
can create.

she sat underneath the great oak tree
she felt nothing
she heard nothing
beside her bruised knees
lay a dandelion
ripped from its roots
well maybe it was already on its way out
but she thought
what a shame
because it screamed for help
oh she could hear it
and oh
she could feel
the desperation the anger the terror
oh she felt

she blinked her eyes
the dandelion was gone
but she could still feel
and she could still hear
then she realized
there was never a dandelion

she heard
and she felt
her own pain, anger, terror

it was her all along

You hesitate now
As if my touch could burn you
But you know it won't

i found him right on time
the moon was high
its glow light on my cheeks
the summer breeze sent whispers
telling me
everything was going to be okay

he came in the form of dark clothes
and smirk so sly
he asked me
no shame on his face
and i told him
i was just a waste

he said he didn't believe me

and now 12 months later
under the same moon
with the breeze silent
i remember
what it feels like to trust
he showed me
i was a treasure in a world full of waste

I've reached the end
and I have two options

I can turn around and find a new path
which requires risk and courage
and once I find a new path
how do I know
I won't fall

I'm tired
and I hear all the voices
saying 'I can't make it through this'
my head has been pounding
so really, why should I turn around

The second option is to jump
I see the waves
the endless blue.
it terrifies me,
the tug of ocean pulling my body,
but ,
it's an outcome,
and I won't suffer for much longer.

what should I do?

Here- with me now
I can hear your pain
I can see the agony flowing from your lips
I can feel you watching me

but-  without me later
you'll only have the dark
and
I told you, once, and once again

All you said was 'leave'

So,
I hope in the dark
you can realize
I want to share your pain, feel your agony, and see what your eyes see

I want you,
I want to hold you tight,
I want us to be a team

I don't know how to be more precise

I can't leave, I can't even let you go
*I'm in love with you

He's confined to a chair
his legs curve inward
his speech is a bit slow
and most of all- he is moody

He doesn't want me
he tells me so
when I try to hug him

He loves me though
I know in the silence of the night
we sit together
and I know his eyes search mine

He loves me
because he is always searching for a reason
why he shouldn't

but I can't change a thing
*I'm in love with him

I’m on the floor clutching my chest
You stood on me for years
Every second, imprinting my soul

The blackness is creeping on the edges of my sight
Green grass and the sparkling sun lies miles away

And more and more
I can taste the blood on my tongue
bitter and strong

You were here
And I can’t forget- rid you of my memory
I need to breathe
Why did you think you could stand on me?

I'm lying on my bed in the pitch dark
snuggled underneath the covers
my eyes are leaking tears
and I'm too bothered to wipe them away

Sitting up I find
I'm fading
the ground is so far away
and I don't have enough energy to reach

my hands
nor my legs
work
the way they used to

and my mind is skipping
thoughts and memories split in half
the minutes and the hours around me
don't seem to last

I'm less and less than I was
and no ones
bothered to take a look

Tonight I'll be gone
before you get a chance

You're waiting for their verdict
in mere minutes
you will either smile or cry

In the beginning you had it right
You put so much trust in the people
around you
then  at some point you forgot to trust yourself

You took and you searched
each find for yourself-
was a jab to the weak who depended on you

Now the verdict is called
and silence meets our ears

you know
and I know
life won't be the same

but maybe in some future time
you'll remember to give before you take
and you'll remember to feel for yourself
before you feel for everyone

then you won't depend on a verdict
and a room full of silence

she is perched on his bed above the covers
he can feel her weight on his tired limbs
she doesn't understand
he can't keep his eyes open long enough to truly see
she smiles for the flash
he treasures his last few hours

her thumb traces his silhouette
doesn't remember this time
no voice
or mannerism  to match him
all she has is this Polaroid candid

and years later
she still doesn't understand
why he had to leave

was it a dream or was it real
did your fingertips trail mine
were you happy with me
cuz now all i see is anger in your face
your muscles tense
shoulders shield your neck
i never wanted to hurt you
somewhere on the border line
that's all i ended up doing

they heard voices
i wondered
i heard voices too
but then I realized
the voice was only my own
I had let this hate eat my flesh
tear my veins
swelled my heart till it was too large to
feel warmth again

i wasn't a monster
no I was me
the girl
with the nervous hands
timid voice
nothing changed
only the depths of my dreams

and the catch was
no one
in my view of sight
wanted to be my hook
leap in
be my warrior

and tonight
with my inner voice
telling me things
embarking them in my brain
I know
everything is uncertain
tomorrow
I can only dream

i want to extract these burning thoughts
and plant them in the soil
maybe then they'll make sense
they'll spread, savage the poison ivy tainting the
bare earth

and when you decide to come home
maybe you'll see the clarity
maybe you'll feel the blackness that wrecked my soul
slithering in the air
and you'll look in my eyes
and finally
embrace *me

I forgot to tell you how I feel
My words have vanished
hidden behind my eyes or hidden by my lies
its all the same
I forgot how to feel
lighting, so fast and fierce
shocks, captures me
I don't cry I don't try
its all the same
I forgot how to talk
Walls come closer and closer
anger pulses through my veins
its all the same
Find me, cure me, but I'll never be the girl you used to know

I wanted someone I could see when the darkness swooped in
If a single drop of worry so threatened to barge in
they are
beside me
Ready to conquer anything

What I had was not the same
I sat in hard chairs waiting for answers
Not from friends or lovers
Just doctors who seemed to have all the knowledge
I trusted them, that I did

I just wanted someone as innocent as I
beside me
ready to hold my hand

We spend the majority of our lives waiting.
She waits for the July heat to give her a healthy glow,
he waits for the winter ice to skate with his friends.
Regardless, we wait
and some of us are fortunate to receive the pleasure,
or the satisfaction we were waiting for.
Some of us
we wait,
and wait, yet
we don't get the picture perfect snowflakes,
or the beach trips with our friends.

Months, maybe even years,
and we get just one day
to say,
or better yet
conclude
how we really feel-or how we felt
because
our outcome
wasn't worth waiting for.
And now

the time we have to wait
is no longer there,
and were left with just one feeling

regret

I'm the pair of shoes to your feet
I'm an umbrella to the pouring rain
I'm the fan to the sweltering heat
I'm an answer key to your questions
I'm the sunglasses to your nightmares
But most importantly
I'm the hero in your dreams

lovely words, once
gentle kisses upon my cheek,

now don't feel the same,
since hearing them from him

those words you speak to me,
scratch,
they dare to break my skin

your words,
I wish,
loved me like their intent

I like to write
Bottling up your emotions
is like holding poison in your throat
you can only hold on for so long
till
the liquid passes
you lose control
Do you ever wonder what the emotions you store inside do?
Are they tearing flesh to flesh
or are they cleaning every ounce of your regret
I bet if you swallow poison you'll finally get
why I let you read the things I write

so young
so unsure
he was confined to the seat with great big wheels

so naive
so loud
she was lost in the pitch dark world

both trapped
searching, grasping, trusting
for a cure

There's either too much to say
or too little
We have no happy medium
We're at a fork in the road
You're telling me to go to the right
But you're not telling me why

If I depend on you,
take your hand,
close my eyes,
will you leave me on the side of the road
or will you push me off the edge?
I want to believe you'll pull me close, lead me around the ditches,
stop me from stepping in the highway

I need you to know the extent I will depend on you
and I need you to understand what I see and feel

And that's my greatest fear
I've slithered through the barrier and I've already trusted you
And you don't know me for who I really am
And now everything, every touch, every tear, all depends on you.

You might make me feel safe
You might make feel content

but I deserve better,
so much better

I gave you my attention,
I thought of you past midnight in the dark of my room,

and now you've gone back on your word
and all I can think is how ignorant I really am

but

stop it
because I'm not ignorant
I can't let you be the reason I see myself so negatively

you're the one who gave up

I might be left in the dust

but just you wait, I'm going to find the best